Stepping Out of Isolation: Practical Steps in Making Friends

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in helping men and women overcome sexual brokenness, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. This article is a companion article to last month’s newsletter, Stepping Out of Isolation: Learning from the Relationships of Jesus. More articles and testimonies of overcomers are available on the Reconciliation Ministries website at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.

“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

John 13:34-35 NLT

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It may be embarrassing to admit as an adult that we have trouble making friends; however, research shows that three in five adults feel lonely. [1] As a therapist, I’m often amazed as I have people telling me how lonely they are and how they wish they had a group of friends. I often wonder what would happen if all these people who are lonely would actually communicate with one another. Could that solve the loneliness problem? The truth is that loneliness can be like a rip tide sometimes. We can get stuck in its current and before we know it, we’re swept out into a deeper sea of isolation. It’s time for us to learn how to interact with others in a rewarding manner. A recovery friend and I have mentioned to each other that we are learning things in our 50s and 60s that we should have learned when we were twelve. There is no shame in learning life lessons later in our adulthood. Transformation in Christ is a lifelong process.

It can be helpful to understand what things in your life contributed to your difficulty in making friends. Childhood wounds, frequent moves and school changes, betrayal, and significant life challenges can cause us to put up emotional walls, or simply quit trying to build lasting friendships. Other times the challenges of life can cause us to become distracted or inward focused and we drift away from our social circles at a time when we need them the most. Before we know it, years have gone by and we realize that we’ve developed a pattern of isolation. We may interact with a few people at work or church, but afterwards we go back to our own homes where we can feel the mixed emotions of craving isolation, despairing the loneliness, and wishing we had someone to hang out with.

When we realize that we’ve built up a pattern of isolation, it’s important to recognize what contributed to those patterns and seek healing. We may need to reach out to a Christian caregiver or a support group to work through some of the wounds and our reactions to them that contributed to the isolation. We may need someone to coach and encourage us to begin taking small steps to reconnect with others. It may be challenging at first, but as you stick with it, the enjoyment will come. Your support team can hold you accountable and recommend some achievable next steps in improving your social interaction.

It is important to understand who we really are in Christ. Often, we hold back in developing friendships because of a false perception of who we are and a negative self-image. We can be over concerned with how we think others see us. We might feel shame because of mistakes we’ve made in the past that we’re still trying to overcome. Maybe we’re still trying to recover from a crisis that we’ve gone through. The best thing we can do is understand our true identity in Christ, embrace our true identity, and interact with others through that identity in humility. Start by sitting in the quiet and listening to the “noise in your heart”. What do you tell yourself about yourself when you’re alone? What are the negative labels that you wear? As you recognize your negative inner thoughts, ask the Lord to show you His opinion of you – how He defines you. That is who you really are in Christ. The truth is that none of us are perfect. We’re all in process, but Jesus Christ is the one who truly defines us. We need to learn to relate to others based on His definition of us.

As you do begin to work on developing relationships, recognize that no one person is able to complete you. Only Jesus Christ can do that. Our friends are those people who walk with us in our lives and help us grow socially, spiritually, and emotionally. Resist the urge to seek after that “one special friend” who is all that we need. That can lead to an “emotional dependency”, where we try to gain our fulfillment and sense of value from gaining attention and affirmation from another. [2] If you find yourself being pulled to one specific person for fulfillment and feeling jealous if that person is talking to others, quiet your heart to see if you are trying to pull them into a void in your heart. Check in with your caregiver or support group. Seek the Lord to heal the deeper needs in your heart and ask Him to help you interact with others from a place of wholeness. Remember, our friends are intended for fellowship, not to be the answer for our emotional needs. As we develop a variety of healthy friendships with a variety of people, our lives will naturally become more fulfilled.

It’s also important to balance recovery conversations with fun interactions, especially if we’re building friendships with people that we’ve met in recovery circles. Healing from the emotional wounds that contributed to your isolation and developing new friendships are two different processes. Those processes may cross paths at times, but it is important to build your new relationships on healthy relational patterns. Avoid focusing on your emotional brokenness in the hopes that others will fix you and become friends in the process. Avoid the temptation to highlight your personal brokenness as a means of gaining sympathy and attention. Exploring our brokenness should be part of our healing process. It is best for our relational development that we focus on common goals and interests. As you begin to increase your social circle, you may find that there are a few people that are a part of both processes, but most friendships will be focused on positive activities and interests. Even with those whom you can share your heart, be sure that the majority of your friendships are focused on encouraging activities and topics. Your emotional healing is best explored in your support groups and therapy sessions.

Learn to speak from a heart of compassion and strength, rather than from a place of passivity or aggression. [2] Many of us have learned false ways of relating due to our past mistreatment. If we were smushed emotionally, we may have settled into a place of passivity and false compliance. When asked by a friend what we want to do on a given Saturday, we may be afraid to mention that we want to go on a photography excursion and just say, “I don’t know. Why don’t you decide.” If our nature is more aggressive, we may have learned to plow our way through others to get our own way. We may not even bother to ask our friends what they want to do this Saturday. We may just tell them we’re going to play mini-golf even if we know they’d rather go on a photo shoot. Learning to relate with compassion and strength means that we can verbalize that we’d like to go on a photo shoot even if we know our friend would rather go golfing, and then come to a compromise. Or, we can learn to lay down our desire to play miniature golf and join our friend on the photo shoot of a special event that only occurs that weekend. Learning to relate out of compassion and strength means that we’ll develop deeper, truer relationships.

Where do we start looking for potential friends and start developing friendships? First, resist the urge to go too deep, too fast. Deep friendships take a long time to develop. In last month’s newsletter, we looked at Jesus’ pattern of relationships as an example of the relationships that we can develop in our own lives. Jesus had the multitudes, the 70 (large group of disciples), the 12 (primary disciples), the 3 (Peter, James, and John), and the one (John, the disciple whom Jesus loved). The numbers aren’t specific, but they help us have a reference to work with. Each of His relational groups progressed to a deeper level of interaction and emotional intimacy. Using that as our pattern, we can start by learning to engage with our “multitudes”. Be kind to the cashier at the store. If the greeter at Wal-Mart actually greets you with a smile, thank her and tell her that she is doing a good job. These types of interactions won’t result in a lasting friendship or a deep conversation, but they will help pull you out of your isolation and help you focus on others.

Next, you can begin to engage more with your “70”. Make a goal of saying hello to a new person at your church, or someone that you pass in the hallway at your workplace. What do you talk about? Try to find a commonality. Was there a specific aspect of the sermon that touched your heart? Are they working on a project that you find interesting? As you have that brief interaction with them, you can see if they share a particular interest or insight of their own and ask a follow up question about it. These types of conversation may last only a few minutes, but you are continuing to learn to step outside yourself and connect to others. It may take some practice to press through the few seconds of awkward silence after the initial hello, but keep working at it. You can also work to develop a sense to know when your brief conversation has naturally concluded and wish them a pleasant day.

After learning to interact with your “70”, you can then work towards developing deeper relationships within your “12”. Join a small group at church or find a community group for a special interest that you have. In a church small group, you will have the opportunity to share more of your heart with a group of people that will likely share more of your values and interests than the larger groups. You can work to develop a deeper emotional connection through the openness and honesty that is a part of healthy church small groups. Your connections in a community special interest group probably won’t be as emotionally based as your conversations in the church small groups, but you’ll find others who share your common interests. You’ll also learn who in your group of “12” is the easiest for you to connect with, and start taking some steps to begin forming your group of “3”.

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You can invite the members of your small group that you seem to interact with the easiest to get together for dinner, an outing, or a fellowship night at your home. Through the increased interaction, you can begin to share a few more personal details about your hopes, your vision, and your life. As you do, you can see how they respond to your information. Do they actually listen and ask follow up questions? Do they offer to share more of their own personal information? Healthy relationships involved a two-way conversation with balanced listening and speaking on both sides. If they respond properly, and you continue to feel comfortable in the relationship, continue to progress slowly and seek another opportunity for interaction as a part of your group of “3”. It’s okay if things don’t seem to progress from the “12” to the “3”. Not everyone will make the transition. As you grow in your friendships, you’ll realize that there are some friends who are simply entertainment friends, and others with whom you can have much deeper conversations. We need both groups of friends.

Remember, healthy friendships take a long time to develop. Don’t get discouraged. Learn to enjoy each stage of relationship development. As you grow in the development of your “3”, you may eventually find yourself developing a deeper relationship with a “1”. You may find that you’ve developed a deep bond with one or two special friends with whom you can share the most personal information and enjoy leisure activities easily. This isn’t necessarily a romantic relationship. It may be a David and Jonathan or a Ruth and Naomi relationship. Healthy same-sex friendships help each other grow towards spiritual and emotional maturity. For those who are called to marriage, the goal is for the spouse to be our “1”; however, we may also have a same-gender friend who is a close second.

It bears repeating that healthy relationships take a long time to develop. Relationships also ebb and flow as life circumstances change. Transitioning to a new church or a new job may change the frequency that we interact with our old groups of “12” or “3”. That’s okay. Resist the urge to sink back into isolation. If the frequency of interaction does change, we can continue to hold those friends as precious even as we work to develop new friendships. As we grow in our relational interactions, we can also celebrate the growth of our friends. It is healthy and appropriate to have multiple friend groups, including multiple groups of three. That makes us richer people and increases our overall social and emotional health. Be patient with yourself, and take the time to recognize that progress you’ve made. Continue to be kind to your multitude, and reach out to your 70, your 12, and your three.

1. Rameer, Venessa Mae. US Loneliness Statistics 2025: Are Americans Lonely. Science of People. January 27, 2025. Retrieved on 3/2/2025 from https://www.scienceofpeople.com/loneliness-statistics/.

2. Thanks to Jeff Simunds of Tower of Light Ministries for sharing his YWAM DTS teaching notes on relationships.

© 2025 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. This is my command: Love each other.

John 15:12-17 NLT

Stepping Out of Isolation: Learning from the Relationships of Jesus

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in helping men and women overcome sexual brokenness, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. More articles and testimonies of overcomers are available on the Reconciliation Ministries website at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.

“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”
John 13:34-35 NLT

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Many of us who came out of sexual brokenness have a difficult time developing healthy friendships. Those who came out of same-sex attraction may wrestle with insecurity and find it difficult to relate to those of the same sex as a friend rather than an attraction. Others have used heterosexual porn for so long that they find it difficult to step out of the porn induced isolation to embrace the challenges of becoming known. Many of us didn’t learn to be open and honest in the relationships we did have. Maybe our friends didn’t really know the whole story of our lives. They didn’t know we had a dark side... maybe they were a part of that dark side.

So where do we start? We can learn about developing healthy relationships by looking at the different levels of intimacy in the relationships that Jesus had. Before we do that, we need to clarify how we’re using the word “intimacy”. In our brokenness, many of us have corrupted that word and equated it solely with sex; however, there are many forms of intimacy. Dictionary.com defines intimacy in a range from “a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group” to “sexual intercourse” [https://www.dictionary.com/browse/intimacy]. In the context of this article, we are using the word intimacy to describe a variety of interactions with people ranging from very casual with limited interaction, to a very close level of Christian fellowship with a deep level of trust, commitment, and vulnerability. Sexual intimacy would only be applicable for those who are in the deepest level of relationship within the marriage covenant.

Jesus had relationships on different levels, each with a different degree of intimacy. To begin with, He ministered to the multitudes. They knew his overall teachings, but they didn’t know the deep areas of His heart. His interactions with the multitude were likely on a practical and instructional level. From the multitudes, Jesus had a group of 70 disciples [Some manuscripts say 72.] that He trained and sent out for ministry [Luke 10:1-20]. We see a deeper level of intimacy developing here. While He spoke in parables to the multitudes knowing that they wouldn’t understand the meanings, He explained the parables to His disciples [Matthew 13:10-16]. From the 70, He chose twelve disciples for an even deeper level of relationship and training. With the twelve, Jesus shared more of His heart and mission than with the others. Jesus then continues to deepen His intimacy and level of disclosure with a more specific group of three disciples; Peter, James, and John. Unlike the others, they were with Him on the Mount of Transfiguration [Matthew 17:1-9] and saw Him raise Jairus’ daughter from the dead [Mark 5:21-43]. He trusted them not to tell anyone else about these events until after He rose from the dead [Matthew 17:9, Mark 5:43]. Jesus shared more of His personal struggle with them in the Garden of Gethsemane as He called them to follow Him deeper into the garden than the others [Matthew 26:36-38]. And finally, from the three disciples who were closest to Jesus, He had John, the disciple whom He loved [John 21:20-24]. It is interesting at the Last Supper, as Jesus was explaining that one of the disciples would betray Him, Peter motioned to John, who was leaning on Jesus’ chest, to ask Him specifically who the betrayer was. Peter could have asked Jesus himself, but he knew that John was the one who could ask Jesus this level of information and receive an answer. Jesus actually did answer John as He dipped a piece of bread and gave it to Judas [John 13:26].

So how do we translate Jesus’ relationships onto our own relationships? We’ll use both a church setting, and a recreational interest or hobby. We all have our multitude – those we work with and those who are in our community settings. We interact with these people and share some generic information on occasion, but we don’t share important information with them. Out of these people, we have our “70”. They may go to the same church as us, or share the same hobby as us. We might share more general information about ourselves as we engage in those activities together, but we don’t share vulnerable information about ourselves. From the “70” we have our “twelve”. Not only do these people attend the same church as us, they are also in our small group or recovery group. In our small groups we begin to share more vulnerable personal information than we would in the larger groups. There is a deeper level of trust that this information will be held in confidence and not shared outside the group. As we become more familiar with the members of a special interest group practicing the same hobby together, we may begin to share more of our personal information as our level of comfort increases, but we still withhold our most personal information. As we continue to engage with our “twelve”, we may find a few members within those groups with whom we begin to develop an even deeper bond. They become our “three”. With them, we develop a deeper trust that allows for some of the deepest levels of disclosure and vulnerability. They know our deepest hopes, dreams, and challenges. They know our failures and our victories. They have permission to speak into the deepest areas of our lives and challenge us when we are falling short. Finally, out of our “three” we develop our “one”. This is the one person on earth that we trust in the deepest levels of our hearts. In the spiritual realm, this is the relationship that we should have with Jesus. In the earthly realm, for those who are married, this is the relationship that we should have with our spouse. For those who are not married, this is the relationship we have with the one friend that God has given us to invite into the deepest level of trust and intimacy.

Developing healthy relationships takes a lot of time. It is important to note that the numbers in our examples are just for reference. We may not have a group of twelve good friends, a group of three best friends, or that one best friend; but the numbers help us understand the concept. How do we even begin to apply Jesus’ model of relationships to our own lives? We’ll look at some more practical tips in a future newsletter. For now, we can start by recognizing who we are in Christ. We aren’t defined by our past or current struggles. We are beloved sons and daughters of the Father in Heaven. As we learn to interact out of our true identity in Christ, we can begin to develop a confidence to embrace the challenges of engaging with others on a personal level. We won’t click with everyone. We may reach out to some people who won’t respond. We can remind ourselves who we are in Christ during the challenges and receive His grace to keep trying. As we continue to reach out and work on building healthy relationships, our efforts will be rewarded.

Pray for the Lord’s help as you look around your “70” for some people that share common interests. Join a small group at church. If you like cooking or photography, sign up for a church or community group that focuses on those things. Out of that group you can begin to notice who you seem to relate to easier than the others. Consider inviting that person or people to get together outside the group. When you do, you can learn more about the relationship by sharing a little bit more of your personal information and see how the other person or people respond. Not everyone will make the transition from your “70” to your “12”. If the person seems to respond well to your openness and shares more of their own heart, you can continue to build the relationship over time. If the person doesn’t seem to respond well to your invitation to grow the relationship deeper, don’t try to force deeper intimacy. Recognize it for what it is and continue to interact with them as part of your “70” when appropriate. Remember, developing healthy relationships takes time. Resist the urge to force the relationship to grow deep too quickly. As you grow your relationships with your “twelve”, prayerfully ask the Lord to help you develop your group of “three”, and trust Him to help you grow in your relationship with your “one”.

Photo is of a model and used under license with shutterstock.com. © 2025 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

LGBTQ: A Better Understanding

Dan is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in helping men and women overcome unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. This article is a companion article for The Building Blocks of Homosexuality and The Building Blocks of Gender Confusion. These articles, and more, are available on the Reconciliation Ministries website at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.

● Are people born gay or trans? 

● Do people choose to be gay or trans?

● Is change really possible?

● What does change even mean?

● If I still lust after men after walking away from homosexuality, have I really changed anyway?

 ● Being trans seems to answer so many questions I’ve had for a long time. How can it possibly be wrong?

● I’ve asked God to take these feelings away forever. Nothing’s changed. Does He even care?

Our answers to the questions can cause perceptions within the LGBTQ community that hinder the deeper messages of our faith. Our answers to those questions can also cause confusion for many in the church. There are already so many conflicting messages about LGBTQ issues from total rejection to total acceptance and affirmation. The bottom line can be summed up in the following three Scriptures: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” [Romans 3:23], God “commands all people everywhere to repent” [Acts 17:30b], and “God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life” [John 3:16].

This article is written with the Biblical perspective expressed by Jesus as He referenced the book of Genesis in Mark 10:6-9. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” This article holds to the perspective that God ordains physical sexual expression solely within the marriage covenant of one biologically born male and one biologically born female. It is important to note that temptations alone are not sin – acting upon our temptations is a sin. Just like there are many who have heterosexual temptations and choose not act upon them, there are many who have homosexual or transgender temptations and choose not to act upon them. We are called to submit all of our sinful temptations to the cross, no matter what those temptations are.

Someone asked me if two people of the same gender love each other, and both agree to their behavior, what does it hurt? It’s true that not everyone uses the Bible as the foundation for their lives and behavior; however, God designed us, and He knows how we should live. This is illustrated in our sexuality. We are designed for monogamous, heterosexual behavior. Research shows that sexually active teenagers are more depressed that non-sexually active teenagers.1 The Christian Medical and Dental Association published a comprehensive review of research concerning the health risks of homosexual behavior.2 Multiple organizations have published research on the harm of puberty blockers and cross gender hormones.3 This all relates to the teenager’s question. If same-sex behavior is based at least in part by emotional brokenness, or trying to fulfill unmet needs, it would be reinforcing that brokenness and/or attempts to meet unmet needs in ways that don’t work; therefore, causing harm in the long run to both people who truly do love each other.

LGBTQ sin often gets singled out as the sin above all sins. I get it. If someone doesn’t struggle with same-sex attractions or gender confusion, that type of behavior sounds gross to them. They can settle into an “at least I’m not as bad as those people” mentality. To the non-LGBTQ group, I would ask how they are doing in their repentance from self-righteousness… pornography… alcohol…? Remember, we’ve all sinned and fallen short of the Kingdom of God. All of us are struggling with, or overcoming, something. LGBTQ issues are just one of many sins that afflict humanity.

We can see this in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11. Homosexuality is pretty much in the middle of a whole bunch of things that keep people from inheriting the Kingdom of God. I’m guessing that we’ve all been somewhere in that list at one time or another. Verse 11 holds the good news, “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” I thank God for the evidence from over 2000 years ago that we can be set free from sexual immorality, idolatry, adultery, homosexuality, theft, greed, alcoholism, slander, and swindling others. 1 John 1:9 reads, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” I’m thankful that that verse doesn’t contain any exemptions. It promises that the Lord can cleanse us from all sinfulness, no matter what type.

Research has shown that sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts are effective and are not harmful.4, 5 Change allowing therapy decreases depression and anxiety even if the client does not experience a significant change in his or her sexual orientation.6 Research also shows that the gay and lesbian population experiences higher rates of alcoholism, mental health disorders, and domestic violence than the heterosexual population, even in countries that are more affirming of LGBTQ issues than the US.2 This would suggest that the cause of those co-occurring challenges isn’t homophobia or transphobia, but that LGBTQ issues are just one more form of human brokenness. Multiple studies also show that for people experiencing transgender feelings prior to puberty, between 70 and 95% of them will go on to embrace their birth gender if simply left alone. However, if those kids are given puberty blockers, almost none will embrace their birth gender after adolescence.7

What are realistic expectations for those who are overcoming LGBTQ issues? Once they repent, will they experience a life free from any LGBTQ temptations whatsoever? Learning to overcome any sin is a process. It is common for those overcoming habitual sin to experience increased temptations when they experience times of increased stress. In reality, there is a continuum of change. On one side we see some who have experienced transformation and no longer have any same-sex attraction or gender confusion whatsoever. On the other side of the continuum we see people who are working their recovery, yet their attractions and desires haven’t changed. Although their attractions haven’t changed, they are committed to submitting their sexuality to the cross and upholding Biblical sexual ethics. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. Our same-sex attractions or gender confusion is no where near what it used to be, but it is not totally gone. In times of increased stress our temptations may increase; however, through discipleship programs and ethical care we have learned to steward our sexuality and not surrender to our temptations.

In the newsletter entitled Working Your Recovery: Facing Temptations, we looked at the reality that recovery is a process, and we may very well continue to experience temptations for whatever sinful behavior we gave our lives to in the past. That is one of the reasons Jesus said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me” [Luke 9:23]. The good news is that we have a Savior who can relate to our weaknesses and offer us hope in our time of need. Jesus was tempted in everyway we are, yet He never sinned. He can empower us to overcome our temptations [Hebrews 4:14-16]. As we go to Him in our weakness, we receive His strength [2 Corinthians 12:9]. In this process of grace, we learn more about our Savior’s heart and grow deeper in relationship with Him.

Where do homosexual desires or transgender inclinations come from? There are many opinions out there. Some say it is a choice. Others claim genetic or biological causes. Still others identify environmental causes like family of origin issues and cultural influences. Some blame it on demonic oppression. In reality, there is a complex mix of ingredients in the development of same-sex attraction or transgenderism. You can read more about the building blocks of each in the articles, The Building Blocks of Homosexuality and The Building Blocks of Gender Confusion, available on the Reconciliation Ministries website at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives. In this newsletter, I will simply ask you if you’ve ever struggled with a habitual sin of any type. Since you are a part of Adam’s race, I’ll assume that you have. Safe to say, you probably never lay awake one-night thinking that your life was just too easy, and that you needed a sinful habit to make it more challenging. More likely, you just gravitated to whatever sinful habit you adopted and eventually found yourself stuck in its negative behavior pattern. That’s what happens to those of us who have experienced LGBTQ desires. It just happens. And it feels as natural as breathing. Habitual sin is usually an illegitimate attempt to solve a legitimate problem. We may drink – illegitimate attempt – because we want to numb emotional pain – a legitimate problem. We may act on our sexual temptations to bond with the same gender – illegitimate attempt – because we didn’t receive the infilling from our same sex parent or peers that God intended us to have, and we are trying to fill the void in our hearts – legitimate problem. Although we didn’t lay awake in bed one night and choose to have same-sex attraction or gender confusion, we do choose how we will respond to it.

In the past ten to twenty years, newer cultural influences have drawn many into the LGBTQ community. Social media and online influencers allow teens to easily explore topics that they would never dream of discussing with their parents. Those sources are designed to give you more exposure to what you’ve already searched. If you look up cat videos, you’ll get more suggestions for cat videos. If you look up LGBTQ topics, you’ll get more suggestions for LGBTQ topics. All within the privacy of your bedroom, on your very own smartphone.  Unfortunately, many voices and testimonies of those who have overcome LGBTQ issues are silenced on those platforms. Movies and television shows have become bolder in their overt promotion of homosexuality and transgenderism. It starts young. I was shocked when I realized that a YouTube channel geared towards helping toddlers learn their colors and letters through singing, included a nonbinary identified woman. That same YouTube influencer also invited a prominent transwoman to sing on her show.8 A recent article touted the best kid’s shows with transgender characters.9 One of the latest science fiction series actually employed the help of GLAAD, a pro-LGBTQ organization, to help them introduce a gay couple, a widowed lesbian, and a non-binary character with a transgender boyfriend in ways that illicit the viewers’ sympathy and support for those identities.10 These moves are calculated to promote the LGBTQ message.

So, what do we do if someone we care about tells us that he or she is struggling with homosexuality or transgenderism? First of all, take the time to breathe… to pray… Respond with love and compassion. Thank him or her for having the courage to share his or her struggle with you. It is important to speak the truth in love. We can reassure him of God’s love for him, and offer to help walk with him through the process of learning to yield his sexuality to Jesus. As we speak the truth in love, it is important that we don’t allow our human compassion to compromise Biblical truth. If she has questions about Biblical sexuality and has studied gay-revisionist theology, take the time to sincerely examine the Scriptures together and learn what they say about holy sexuality. The Gay Gospel? and Speaking of Homosexuality by Joe Dallas are excellent resources.

The emotional challenges are real. The sanctification process can be messy at times. It is during these times that we may be tempted to tell ourselves that it would be much easier for our friend to accept her same-sex attraction, than for her to work at overcoming it. Remember that we are all living for eternity, and that the Holy Spirit will walk with us through every step of our journey. He will do what is best for her in light of eternity. We can assure her that “In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” [Romans 8:28].  Stand with her during the messy times and encourage her to continue reaching out to the Lord for help. Help her find a safe Christian caregiver that is experienced in helping people overcome LGBTQ struggles. Reconciliation Ministries and Restored Hope Network are excellent places to start.

These same principles apply if you are the one struggling with LGBTQ issues. It is also important to embrace your true identity as a redeemed son or daughter of God the Father. Your struggles are not your identity. Don’t embrace the false identity of a “gay-Christian” or a “trans-Christian”. If you have Jesus as your Savior, you are a redeemed son or daughter of God the Father. Unfortunately, there are even many in the church that do embrace these labels; however, they don’t apply the same principles across all aspects of sin. Most married people who don’t struggle with same-sex attraction experience temptations to lust after the opposite gender, but they don’t identify themselves as “adulterous-Christians”. Have you ever heard someone identify himself as a “porn addict-Christian”? Highly unlikely! Speak the truth about your identity and stand as a redeemed son or daughter of God the Father.

It is important to reach out to safe Christians for support. An experienced Christian caregiver can help you walk through the recovery process, and help you prayerfully look at the things in your life that may be contributing to your same-sex desires or struggles with gender identity. The pastoral care department of your church should be the best place to start. There are many excellent programs out there like Living Waters, Taking Back Ground, Path Through the Wilderness, and Celebrate Recovery. Many other resources are listed on the resources pages of the Restore Hope Network website at https://www.restoredhopenetwork.org.

Stay close to Jesus as you walk through this process. You may not always understand Him, but He is always faithful. He will meet you in the broken areas of your life, and give you strength when you are tired and tempted. Find trustworthy Christians to live life with and don’t give up. Remember, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” [Philippians 1:6].

Footnotes:

1 Rector, Johnson, and Noyes. Sexually Active Teenagers Are More Likely to Be Depressed and to Attempt Suicide. Center for Data Analysis (6/3/2002) Heritage Foundation Report. Retrieved on 12/2/2244 from https://www.heritage.org/education/report/sexually-active-teenagers-are-more-likely-be-depressed-and-attempt-suicide.

2 Christian Medical and Dental Association. CMDA Ethics Statement: Transgender Identification. (2023) Retrieved from https://app.box.com/shared/static/2q2xjp0mwrm7hrytyww2ixr9w34xs6kw.pdf on 12/2/2024.

3 Hitz, Dan. Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. Risks of Transgender-Affirming Treatment. (2019) Retrieved from https://recmin.org/s/Risks-of-Trans-Affirmation-m7dj.pdf on 12/2/2024.

4 Reintegrative Therapy Association. www.reintegrativetherapy.com/the-science.

5 Journal of Human Sexuality. Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity www.journalofhumansexuality.com.

6 Nicolosi, J., Byrd, A.D., and Potts, R.W. (2000) Retrospective self-reports of changes in homosexual orientation: A consumer survey of conversion therapy clients. Psychological Reports, 86, 1071-1088.

7 Heyer, Walt. Trans Life Survivors. Self-published, Lexington, KY, 2018.

8 For references, Google Ms. Rachel, nonbinary, Jules Hoffman, and Dylan Mulvaney.

9 Santora, Tyler. The Best Kids’ TV Shows with Transgender Characters. Fatherly. 5/16/2023. Retrieved on 12/2/2024 from https://www.fatherly.com/entertainment/the-best-kids-shows-with-transgender-characters.

10 StarTrek.com staff. Star Trek Discovery Introduces First Transgender and Non-Binary Characters. 9/2/2020. Retrieved on 12/2/2024 from https://www.startrek.com/news/star-trek-discovery-introduces-first-trangender-and-non-binary-characters.

All Bible verses are from the New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com.  http://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/#booklist.

Photos are of models and used courtesy of www.unsplash.com. © 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

Working Your Recovery: Facing Temptation

Dan is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in helping men and women overcome unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. He is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984. This newsletter is adapted from a teaching he presented at Celebrate Recovery, Woodside - Troy on September 27, 2024.

“Lord, take these desires away…”
Pretty much all of us at one point or another.

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”
Luke 9:23 NIV

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“Lord, take these feelings away!” I think we’ve all prayed that at some point in our lives. Probably about the same time we’ve said for the umpteenth time, “I’m sick of this. I’ll never _____ again!” The problem is that we keep doing it again. We may have even heard testimonies from people who asked God to take their addiction away and He actually did. Instantly. “What’s with that?” “Why him and not me?” Fair question. I don’t know that answer to that. But I do know that those testimonies are about one in a million. They’re rare. Most of us have to fight and work our recovery for a very long time before we confidently start saying stuff like, “I used to be a _____,” or “I’m a former _____.” For most of us, recovery is a long process of learning to say no to our nagging desires, learning to follow Jesus, and learning to address some pretty painful emotional issues that fueled our addictions. Recovery isn’t fun, It’s a lot of work.

Luke quotes Jesus in Chapter 9, verse 23, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Denying ourselves and taking up our cross daily implies an active lifestyle of saying no to our own desires and yes to His. It implies that some of those noes and yeses are pretty hard to say. What gives? Aren’t we supposed to be new creations [2 Corinthians 5:17]? Since Jesus went so far as dying on the cross for us and the Holy Spirit lives inside of us, why is this recovery thing so difficulty for many of us while it seems to be a cinch for others? After being a Christian since 1984, and getting serious about my recovery in 1999, I still don’t know why some people get instantly delivered. My struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction went on for a very long time. Actually, it’s still not totally gone, but it’s a small fraction of what it used to be. After all these years, I’ve come to trust Jesus more. I’ve come to see my continued temptations, at whatever level they’re currently at, as a reminder to deny myself, take up my cross, and seek Him for the grace to do His will. In that process, I’ve come to know and love the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in deeper ways than I could ever dream. The process is difficult at times. Sometimes it just plain stinks. But it is always worth it.

In Judges 3:1-4, we learn that the Lord intentionally left some of the enemies of Israel in the Promised Land to teach the younger generation how to fight. Battles do something important deep within our souls if we wear the armor of God [Ephesians 6:10-18] and fight them His way. Galatians 5:16 tells us to walk by the Spirit so we don’t fulfill the lusts of the flesh. Battling our addictions God’s way allows the fruits of the Spirit to grow in us; love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control [Galatians 5:22-23]. Verse 24 reads, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

Let’s be real here, it’s not a “one and done”. It’s a continual lifestyle. Remember, Jesus told us to take up our cross daily. We need to accept the reality that temptations are going to happen while we’re here on this earth, and that we will have to continue to fight them in whatever form those temptations come. This isn’t a popular message. The cultural voices will tell us it’s all good. All men watch porn. Everyone has sex before they’re married. Lots of sex… with whomever they want. Most secular organizations tell those struggling with unwanted same-sex attraction or transgender issues to embrace their “authentic selves” and stop letting the church brainwash them. If we follow that same line of thinking for other struggles and addictions, we would encourage the adulterer to keep cheating on his wife and the porn addict to keep looking at porn. Since there actually are genetic indicators for alcoholism and rage, let’s also tell the alcoholic to keep drinking and the rage-aholic to continue screaming at his kids. Of course, none of that makes any sense. We are called to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit and not the voice of the media, secular organizations, or pop culture.

Does all this mean that we can never overcome our temptations or addictions? That we’ll always be fighting this stuff as much as we are right now? Absolutely not! It is important to note that being tempted is not a sin. Giving into our temptations is. We may be in a fight against sin and addiction, but God gives us effective weapons. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 can give us much hope. It reads, “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 promises that, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” God promises us an open door to run away from our temptations. We must resist the urge to nail that door shut. The challenge in our recovery is to look to the Lord for help. Through Him, we must reject our ungodly desires, deny ourselves, take up our cross, and use that door of escape.

We can take comfort in the fact that we have a high priest who understands our weaknesses and was tempted in every way we are [Hebrews 4:15-16]. He really does understand what it is like to be tempted and have to resist the pleasures of sin. Luke 4:13 reads, “When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him [Jesus] until an opportune time.” We can learn something from this. We can expect temptations until the day we die. If Jesus, the sinless Son of God, had an “opportune time” to get hit with temptation, we who have engaged in sin – who learned to enjoy sin and made a habit of sin – will also have an “opportune time” for temptation. The good news is that during those times, we can “approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” [Hebrews 4:16]

What is your “opportune time”? When do you notice your temptations increasing beyond the typical levels? For many of us, times of high stress, loneliness, life transitions, and unmet expectations can cause our temptations to increase. Others find themselves getting triggered when things are going well. We either don’t think we deserve good things, or we’ve grown up waiting for the trauma that seems to be around every corner. We expect failure, so we might as well sabotage this now and get it over with. At any rate, the devil doesn’t remind us of the pain of our addictions. He reminds us of the pleasures, or at least the thought that we can numb our pain for a short while. The problem is, the price tag is much too high. Sin always brings new pain.

If you find yourself in a season of increased temptations, remember to work your recovery. Pray. Reach out to the Body of Christ for help. Reach out to your sponsor, your accountability partner, or your mentor. Ask yourself if you’ve become sloppy in your boundaries. Have you been in the Word? Have you taken enough time for self-care? Are you hanging out with people who encourage you in your recovery? Sometimes it just takes a few minor adjustments to overcome a wave of temptations. Other times, the Lord is calling you into a season of deeper recovery through a step-study, recovery group, or therapy.

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It also helps to look at your increased temptations like a warning light on the dashboard of your car. Are there deeper emotional triggers going on that the Lord wants to address? Triggers can often be an opportunity for increased healing. In times of increased temptations, ask the Holy Spirit to show you what triggered you and what emotions are under the trigger. Did something happen that caused you to feel rejected, inferior, shameful, fearful? As you understand the trigger and the emotions behind it, ask the Lord what’s going on in your heart. What wrong beliefs, desires, or strongholds are fueling the temptations? Once you understand what’s fueling the temptations, ask the Lord to show you what His holy solution is. Once you apply His holy solution, the temptations will usually dissipate. This process takes some practice, but as you learn to sit quietly with the Lord in your temptations and emotional pain, you’ll be amazed how He can meet you there to bring deeper healing that empowers you to resist the temptation.

This process has become one of my most valuable recovery tools. When I became the ministry director over twenty years ago, I was extremely insecure and felt like I had no idea what I was doing. Donations were scarce and I was afraid that I would be the one to crash this valuable ministry that had already been around for decades. I found myself getting hit with temptations to fantasize about aggressive homosexual encounters. I was confused. This was not my usual temptation. After wrestling with these temptations for about two weeks, I finally stopped fighting them in my own strength and sat with the Lord. I admitted the temptations I had been struggling with and asked Him what the root issue was. He reminded me of my insecurities in becoming the ministry director and how I was worried that I was not capable enough to successfully lead this ministry. He then showed me that I was somehow looking for a strong, masculine force to rescue me and save the day. He was right. The enemy was tempting me to sexualize my insecurities. I felt like I was in over my head, and I wanted someone to come in and rescue me. I repented for giving into my fear. I still didn’t know what I was going to do. I asked the Lord what His holy solution was. He showed me a picture of a strong, right arm. It wasn’t sensual. It was His righteous right arm and I saw a little mini-me tucked inside. The Father was carrying me. He said that He would be my strong, masculine force to empower me and show me how to do what He was calling me to do. His words calmed my heart. Within 15 minutes, the visual temptations I had been getting hit with for two weeks were gone. Sitting with the Lord in our emotional pain and temptations, identifying the root issues, and asking the Holy Spirit for His holy solution is a valuable recovery tool.

And now we come back to where this article started. If we want to follow Jesus, He is calling us to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him. He doesn’t guarantee us instant victory. He actually tells us that we will have trouble in this world. Life is painful at times. So is our addiction. Incredibly, Jesus does promise that He will receive everyone who comes to Him for help. He promises to never leave us or forsake us. He promises to give us a way to escape our temptations. He even promises to complete the work that He began in our hearts. When we consider the pain of our addictions and the blessings of following Christ, there is no viable option. Following Jesus, denying ourselves, and bearing the cross brings peace in the middle of the storm, true freedom on this earth, and eternal life surrounded by His love.

You can overcome sin. Call Reconciliation Ministries at 586.739.5114. We are here to walk with you to Jesus.

All Bible verses are from the New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com. http://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/#booklist

Photos licensed through www.shutterstock.com. © 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

Wrestling with Doubt?

John the Baptist, who was in prison, heard about all the things the Messiah was doing. So he sent his disciples to ask Jesus, “Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?” – Matthew 11:2-3 NLT

Doubt is a strange thing. John the Baptist was the one who said, “Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” [John 1:29] He was the one who saw the Heavens open and the Holy Spirit descend upon Jesus like a dove. He heard the Father proclaim, “This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy.” [Matthew 3:17] He was the one who declared, “I testify that he is the Chosen One of God.” [John 1:31] He was convinced. Yet, trials and suffering caused John the Baptist to send his disciples to ask Jesus, “Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?” [Matthew 11:3]

What are you doubting? What has the Lord clearly spoken to you that the disappointments and hardships of life have caused you to doubt? It usually happens to all of us at one point or another. Joseph endured enslavement, false accusation, and imprisonment before his dreams were fulfilled. Every one of the disciples experienced heart-wrenching trials. Even the Apostle Paul was overwhelmed beyond his ability to endure, and though he was going to die. [2 Corinthians 1:8-9] It is during our trials that we can be tempted to ask God, “Are You really going to do what You said You’d do?” “Do You really have an answer, or should I look around somewhere else?”

If you’re in a difficult season right now, don’t give up. Hold fast to the Lord. Trust and see how the Father can truly be a Heavenly Father, how Jesus can be a Savior, and how the Holy Spirit can be a comforter that leads to all truth. Paul was victorious in his trials as he stopped relying on his own strength, and learned to rely only on God. [2 Corinthians 1:9] Trials are hard. They usually last far longer than we expect. But God is faithful. As we resist the urge to go our own way, He draws us to Himself and becomes our strength. We learn more about His heart. We become more like Him. Some things we’ll eventually understand on earth. Other things we’ll only understand once we get to Heaven. God is faithful. He truly “causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” [Romans 8:28] Don’t give up. Hold onto the precious promises God has spoken to you.

“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.” The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” - Mark 9:23-24 NLT

From "IT" to "MY"

Dennie Asbury has been a friend of Reconciliation Ministries, and a valued member of the Living Waters leadership team for many years. She shares her testimony of forgiveness and healing from having an abortion. Initials are used in this testimony to conceal the identity of those involved.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Colossians 1: 13-14 NIV

At the age of ten I moved from New York to Michigan. TG was a neighbor three houses away. I hung out with his younger sisters mostly, and knew him as their older brother, seven years my senior. I had moved in with my grandmother at the age of 16 after my mother died. When I was 20 years old, I heard that TG’s father died. My sister and I attended the funeral to pay our respects.

At the funeral, TG initiated a conversation, asking me “How is your love life?” I replied, “What is a love life?” TG asked me out and this started a seven-year sexual relationship. We got along fairly well. TG introduced me to many good things and some not so good things. We travelled, camped, hiked, ate at many fine restaurants, all graciously supplied and funded by TG. He also introduced me to pornography and drugs. Throughout the relationship there was never a commitment to longevity. As time went on, I knew in my heart he was not the one I wanted to marry.

In May of 1981, I became pregnant. I was pretty naïve when the doctor asked me if I wanted to terminate. He had to explain what that meant. I told him, “I don’t want ‘IT’.” What I meant in the back of my mind and heart was I didn’t want the lifetime attachment to this man that I really didn’t want to keep around forever. TG made his decision clear, he didn’t want IT either. The doctor made the appointment right from his office for me to go to the hospital to have the abortion the following week.

In between the doctor’s appointment and the next week’s scheduled hospital appointment, TG, my sister, and I went to my brother’s wedding in Ohio. During the car ride to Ohio, I had to stop at rest areas often. My sister questioned if I was pregnant because she had never seen me have to stop so often. I told her that I was, and I was not going to keep IT. She never counseled me otherwise.

The following week TG dropped me off at the hospital for my appointment. I was seated in a huge sterile and cold lobby area with other females and felt so alone and scared. Some of the ladies were so very young and accompanied by their mother. Others like me were alone, and others had someone with them. I was called to a small desk and greeted by a somber woman who went over my credentials and then asked me a simple question, “Are you sure this is what you want to do?” To which I replied, “YES.” There were no options given and I was totally unaware that there were any at that time. I was sent back to sit with the other females who were done with their registration in a separate area away from mothers and guests. I heard so many horror stories about late term and blotched abortions. I maintained as much indifference as possible, thinking that my pregnancy was so early and clearly not a baby like they spoke of. IT was taken from me! TG picked me up after the procedure. I was greeted in the car with a strange gift. It was an empty ornamental box with a degrading comment on it directed toward me sexually. He was now ready to use me to satisfy himself the same day our baby died. This gift left me feeling objectified and profoundly empty. TG and I ended our relationship after I caught him with another woman several years later.

I got married in 1988 to JP and never told him about my many sexual encounters or the abortion before meeting him. We had talked about having children but were never able to conceive. I began to wonder if I was the cause of this because of the abortion. Did it ruin my organs? Is God punishing me? Did I blow my one and only chance of having a child? My heart ached and my husband wasn’t willing to do anything to find out if he was the cause of the infertility. Ten years into the marriage JP found out about the many relationships I had before I met him (After finding my diaries and giving himself permission to read them.) and thereafter he didn’t want anything to do with me. We got divorced within a few years.

In 1999 I got married again. I moved to the east side of Detroit. New friends, new church, new job, and new life. At my new Church I met a new friend who told me she was a volunteer at Compassion Pregnancy. She also shared about several abortions and that she had received healing at Compassion Pregnancy through their Abortion Recovery Class. I felt safe with her and shared what I had been through. At this time my heart was broken and was starting to understand that my IT was a real live baby.

I attended the Abortion Recovery Class and for the first time I was able to feel the guilt, the loss, and the pain of my choice. I now realized my IT was MY baby. I received forgiveness and was able to grieve my loss. During one of the classes, I wrote a letter of forgiveness to myself and everyone that was involved in the abortion process. I was asked to write a letter to my child. I named my child “Toni” for either Antoinette (female) or Anthony (male). On the last day of class, I was able to invite a guest to share in my healing ceremony and read my letter out loud. My friend Shar-ron attended with me and presented me with a beautiful statue [see photo] of an Angel holding a baby. The Angel was called “Grace - Born Anew”. Shar-ron and Toni will always be in my heart.

Although my grievous sin has been forgiven, the loss remains. When the feelings of loss overwhelm me, God calls me close to Himself. I now know that I was not all alone at the hospital. My Loving God and Father was there with me and the Body of Christ grieved for my baby and me until I could.

I’ve gone through much heartache and pain. I now know because of my family of origin I wasn’t taught healthy boundaries, so I made many bad choices. Since my last marriage and being in Living Waters, I know I have a right to set healthy boundaries. Being in a healthy church community and witnessing healthy marriages and friendships helps me grow and trust others more as time goes on. I’ve learned to ask for Godly counseling from trusted leaders in my church and in Living Waters. Today I’m not as anxious around men and I feel a freedom that I’ve never known before. God has a better plan for my life and I trust Him. I have continued to heal and learn of God’s powerful love for me in my church and in Living Waters. In Living Waters, first as a participant and now as a leader, my heart is allowed to unfold before his tender care. I have learned to accept His mercy and grace into the broken and empty places, and now my heart overflows to bless others in need.

“I have called you by your name; You are Mine.”

Isaiah 43:1 NKJV

If you or someone you love is experiencing the pain of abortion, reach out to Reconciliation Ministries for help. Call us today at 586.739.5114. Let us walk with you to Jesus.

Photos supplied by Dennie Asbury. © 2024 Dennie Asbury. This article was printed with the express permission of Dennie Asbury.

A Mother on Her Knees

Cassie has been a precious friend of Reconciliation Ministries for many years. She and her husband, Larry, serve on the Reconciliation Ministries Living Waters team, and coordinate a second Living Waters program in Lake Orion. Cassie has experienced the depths of despair, and the great love of our Heavenly Father. Her life is a wonderful testimony of the grace, redemption, and transformational power of Jesus Christ.

“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
Ezekiel 36:25-26 NIV

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At sixteen years old, I did not feel ready to be a mother, but the thought of abortion never crossed my mind. I knew that couples with empty arms would want to adopt and love my baby.

I was more than 2,300 miles from home and cut off from things like family, love, and security. I did not know who the father might be, but it was comforting to imagine my baby’s wonderful new family. I was trapped in the world of sex trafficking and knew that I had nothing good to offer, except a chance at love, far away from me.

I told my pimp that I was pregnant, certain that he would agree with my plan. His words surprised me: “Get rid of it.” The argument for my little one escalated into violence, and I agreed to abort. Yet, I had no intention to follow through with it. He had promised to kill my family if I ever left him, but I had to take the chance that it was an idol threat. I was certain that a church could help.

My childhood had been filled with wonderful memories of pastors and church members ever present at difficult, joy filled, and in between times. I passed several each day as I worked the streets, and with great hope, I entered one. I thought aloud, “Now, I can have my baby, leave this horrible life, and maybe even return home with a pastor’s help.” I was shaking with fear, relief, excitement, and the most courage I had been able to muster in a long time.

I was not really prepared for the answer I received. It was quite the same at three churches. They could not help. My pimp had told me that I was completely unlovable, even by God, and the same was true for my baby. It was crushing to think that this might be true.

I returned, telling him that I had the abortion, but I secretly waited and hoped for another way out. At 5½ months, he saw that I was still pregnant. He threw me down and stomped my little baby with his boot, then he took me to a late term abortion clinic to finish the job.

The sorrow that came over me after that is difficult to describe. I could not speak. I just wept for days. The sadness was so heavy that I felt that if I slept, I would never wake up. The cruelty of my owner and my inconsolable grief prompted a drug dealer and some other prostitutes, that I knew, to arrange my escape. Their kindness could not make my tears stop. From that time on, I identified as a dead soul.

One year later, I was pregnant again. This time was different. I was home with my family, and I knew who the father was. He, too, insisted on abortion and another argument turned violent, but by this time I did not really care. It was as if the mother heart that God had given me was really dead. I had every opportunity to save this baby, but I did not. People offered me generous help and support. Even my mother, suspecting that I was pregnant, reached out with a plea for life. My soul seemed dead, indeed, and my body, still a grave. No tears for this little one.

My healing journey was not intentional, but my Heavenly Father arranged for it just the same. I no longer called on Him, or had any hope of a walk with Him, but He still fought for me. It started with unexpected tears. Not long after the second abortion, a new mother invited me to a church event. She handed her baby to me so she could use the restroom. She returned several minutes later to take the baby. Tears kept falling for a number of days after that. I could not say why. I decided that I must not like babies.

A few years later my husband and I were hoping to start a family. The two unsuccessful months brought such unbearable sorrow, rage, and a fear that I would not ever conceive. My older sister came into town to stay with me because I was so sad. I would have never imagined that this deep sorrow had anything to do with my abortions.

We were soon thrilled with a positive pregnancy test. While I maintained a vehement “pro-choice” position, I looked forward to motherhood. I had no idea that God had planned to remove my heart of stone and give me a new heart. I also could not have known how much this would hurt.

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In the Spring of 1988, everything would change. We were so very blessed with a healthy son. When the doctor laid him in my arms, all I could say is, “Oh, my God, what have I done?” I said this over and over, as I looked at this precious new life, realizing that I could have aborted him too.

In desperation, I called a cousin of mine from my hospital bed. He was one of those “terrible pro-lifers” that I argued with. I asked him to please help me because I did not know what to do. He put me to work in the pro-life movement, which seemed to me like a good way to try to “work-off” what I had done.

Yet, it was not long before I came across pictures of what abortion actually looks like. I also learned early that all the work, even in the pro-life movement, did not remedy what ached in my heart. I wanted to die in the most brutal and violent way. After confronting the reality of abortion, I lost hope again and could not face God. I could not even pray.

Two beautiful pro-life women that I met reached out to me, explaining that they, too, were post-abortion mothers. They were leaders in a healing ministry that dealt with this. The fact that I did not pray did not matter to them, because they were women of deep faith and prayer.

When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic,
“My son, your sins are forgiven.”
Mark 2:5 MOUNCE

Cassie shines brightly for Jesus and helps othes experience His merciful healing.

The Heavenly Father had been making a way for me. These women walked with me and showed me the power of prayer. During this season I found forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation with God. I also joined my husband’s church, which still blesses me.

Two years later, my older sister lost her first baby to miscarriage and her second to full term still birth. She wanted me to come and stay with her. I still had some shame when I thought about how differently each of our first two children died. I went anyway, because she needed me, but I could not imagine why. While I was there, she told me that she knew that I could understand her grief because she saw what I went through. She desperately needed what God had done for me, so we prayed, and we waited.

Again, He was faithful in bringing good out of unspeakable sorrow, restoring joy, and giving peace that passes all understanding. Many years, many children, and many grandchildren later, His loving presence remains.

For mothers, fathers, and any loved ones who grieve the loss of a child through abortion, He loves you.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 ESV

Call on Him. He answers with a love that changes everything.

If you or someone you love is experiencing the pain of abortion, reach out to Reconciliation Ministries for help. Call us today at 586.739.5114. Let us walk with you to Jesus.

Photos of sad girl and woman with newborn used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2024 Cassie Giroux. This article was printed with the express permission of Cassie Giroux

When My Mother and Father Forsake Me...

Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, a member ministry of the Restored Hope Network dedicated to bringing freedom to men, women, and adolescents struggling with sexual and relationship issues.  For more information contact Reconciliation Ministries at 586.739.5114, or visit us on the web at www.recmin.org.

For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

Psalm 139:13-14

Those verses were intended to give us comfort as we realize the great attention to detail that Lord used to lovingly put us together in our mother’s womb. For those of us who grew up in a dysfunctional family, those verses may bring up different emotions altogether. We may wonder why the Lord “chose to put us in that specific womb”. Far from feeling good about ourselves as the Lord’s creation, our negative upbringing can make us feel like damaged goods.

Erik Erikson is a developmental psychologist famous for identifying the stages of psychosocial development. His theory basically describes God’s intent for the role that parents and other significant people play in our emotional and social development. Unfortunately in this fallen world, not all of us have grown up with a healthy mother and father. Not all of us have gone through childhood and adolescence with a healthy connection to our peers. If that is the case in your life, the Lord can heal the emotional wounds inflicted through the things you have experienced. He can also heal the wounds you’ve endured because the nurturing and care that you were supposed to receive didn’t happen. Psalm 27:10 reads, “When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” God can heal the hurts in your heart and fill the emotional voids.

A brief exploration of God’s intended role for our parents and peers will help you understand where you need the Holy Spirit to touch your heart. Our relationship with our mother is the most important relationship that we have when we are born. Mothers are intended by God to give us a sense of being – a sense that it’s okay to be alive and that we have value. Mom’s nurture us. When we are hungry they feed us. When we mess our diapers, they change us. We learn from them that our lives are celebrated and that we will be well cared for.

After we learn to crawl and walk, we look beyond mother to our father. Fathers are intended by God to help us learn to explore the world and take the initiative to try new things. They are also designed by God to encourage us to grow into the identity and purpose that He created us to have. Dads empower us to become established in this world and succeed. Little girls learn what it means to be female through their mothers, while little boys learn what it means to be male from their fathers.

As we enter school, the next important relationships we have are with our same-gender peers. At this stage boys usually think girls have “cooties” and girls may think boys are a bit nasty. This is a normal stage of development. Little boys learn how to relate to other little boys as they interact and play together. It works the same for girls. We learn that we are a good and acceptable little boy or girl as we fit in well with other little boys or girls.

As we gain confidence in our own gender peer group, we then begin to reach out to the other gender and learn how to relate to them. Boys notice that the girls lose their cooties and are becoming attractive. Girls notice that the boys aren’t so nasty after all. Confidence in who we are as a person continues to grow as we establish healthy relationships with the opposite sex.

God intends our emotional and relational development to continue throughout our lives as we enter into committed relationships, begin our families, and relate to others in our community. Many of us have not had the ideal development and growth described in this article. A problem at any stage of development will create challenges in the future stages. Fortunately, the Lord has taken that into account and has made provision for our emotional healing on the cross. We can take comfort in the verse that was referenced earlier in this article which reads, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” When Jesus began His ministry, He read out of the book of Isaiah where it says, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted…” (Luke 4:18-19). In the original language, the phrase “brokenhearted” refers to shards of glass like when you break a mirror. Jesus was saying that He was sent by the Father to heal the “shards of glass” – the fragments of our heart – from emotional trauma and neglect. We find in Jesus a loving Savior who is willing to hear our prayers, heal our emotional wounds, and fill the voids in our hearts with His presence.

If you’ve grown up without the kind of nurturing that God designed you to have, spend time in prayer and share your hurts with Him. Recognizing our areas of deep need is a first step in overcoming our mother and father wounds. Be honest about your pain. Ask Him to teach you to recognize His healing presence and to heal your heart. As you work through the various areas of need in your heart, you may recognize pockets of hidden anger. It is important for your own personal growth to learn to forgive those who have wounded you. Forgiveness is more for your sake, than for the sake of those who have offended you. Your offender may be totally unaware that he or she has wounded you, or he or she may actually be glad that you were wounded. We live in a very fallen world. Harboring anger and resentment will only serve to hinder you, keep you bound to your wounds, and give your offender the victory. Forgiveness sets you free. Ask the Lord to help you release your anger and resentment to Him and allow Him to deal with those who have hurt you. Your offender and your wounds will lose their power as you experience the healing power of Christ.

Sometimes when we are sinned against, we respond with sinful reactions. Ask the Lord to show you the areas in your own life where you have responded to your pain in sinful ways. When He does, repent and seek to make amends where appropriate. In walking away from our sin we find a deeper capacity to receive God’s love and walk in deeper relationships with others in the Body of Christ. In addition to friends, we all need others who are more mature than us and have journeyed successfully through some of life’s difficult pathways. Ask the Lord to send you a safe, Christian mentor to walk with you and help you in your journey. Your pastor, a recovery group, or the pastoral care department at your church may be a good place to start. No pastor or mentor can become the long-lost mother of father that you never had, but he or she can share his or her experience with you as you both walk towards Jesus together.

As you follow these steps in your journey, you will begin to experience the fulfillment of the verse, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” You will grow into a beautiful relationship with God the Father where He truly will fill the voids in your heart. He longs to become the safe, loving, nurturing parent that you have always wanted.

© Reconciliation Ministries 2014. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as credit is given and no fee is charged.

Love Is The Answer

This newsletter was originally written by Dan Hitz for The MST Project’s Real Men Pursuing Purity Event 40 devotional booklet, The Path to Holiness, in February 2024. The MST Project is a Christian ministry committed to helping every man realize his full potential. MST stands for "Mentoring Men, Strengthening Marriages, Teaching Truth." The MST Project was founded by Christian Lenty and is an international ministry headquartered in Bangkok, Thailand. You can learn more about the MST Project at https://themstproject.com.

 “There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?”

Simon answered and said, “I suppose the one whom he forgave more.”

And He said to him, “You have rightly judged.”

Luke 7:41-43 NKJV

“The assurance of His total forgiveness of our sins through the blood of Christ means we don't have to play defensive games anymore. We don't have to rationalize and excuse our sins. We can call sin exactly what it is, regardless of how ugly and shameful it may be, because we know that Jesus bore that sin in His body on the cross.”

Jerry Bridges, The Navigators

If you’re reading this devotional it’s likely that you’ve been forgiven for a lot of bad things that have caused you much shame. The good news is that even when we were living a sinful life, God showed how much He loves us by sending His son, Jesus, to take the punishment that we deserved. (Romans 5:8) When we come to Him in repentance, He takes away our sin and invites us to live our lives in relationship with Him. He offers us the joy, peace, and fulfillment that we were looking for all along. His offer of forgiveness continues as we learn to live in relationship with Him and overcome our sin day by day. (Romans 5:1-11) The more we realize how much He has forgiven us, the more our love for Him grows. (Luke 7:36-50)

Through relationship with Jesus, we realize that the sinful things that we once thought were so valuable actually have no value. Even though our sexual sins may have felt very powerful, they actually robbed us of our strength. They put us into spiritual debt. When we turn away from our sins and ask Jesus for forgiveness, He forgives our debts and teaches us to value His ways. In relationship, He asks us to surrender the worthless things that caused us shame, and gives us things of great eternal value in their place. His love for us empowers us far more than the destructive false love of sexual sin cripples us.

Focusing on the love of Jesus and the better gifts He offers us helps us resist sin. A while ago I was looking at social media as I was getting ready to fall asleep. Temptation hit. I had a choice to make. I could surrender to the offer of a lesser pleasure that would give an immediate powerful payoff, but would bring shame and guilt; or I could look to Jesus who truly loves me and offers a much better reward for surrendering to Him. Thankfully I chose to forsake the shameful offering of sin, and embrace the Lord’s offering of peace. It was my love for Jesus and the desire to live for Him that helped me forsake sin. I got off of social media, turned on some audio Bible verses, and went to sleep. I woke the next morning to a wonderfully intimate prayer time with Jesus and could sense Him sharing powerful spiritual insights. Jesus’ love for me and my love for Him helped me turn away from the lesser action of sin and turn towards His wonderful gift of sexual purity and emotional peace. His love can help you too.

It is so much easier to walk away from something if you know what you are walking toward. Ask the Lord to help you understand His love for you and His goals for your life. As your love for Him grows, your appreciation of the value of His gifts will grow too. Focus on these things during your times of temptation. God’s love and His gifts are far more powerful than the destructive pleasure of sin.

1. Can you fully receive the love and forgiveness that Jesus offers you, or do you struggle with condemnation?

2. What has your sexual sin cost you emotionally, relationally, and experientially?

3. What has Jesus offered you in exchange for your sin?

Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan. He is an ordained minister and licensed professional counselor specializing in helping people overcome sexual brokenness, sexual abuse, and trauma. Dan has been in the ministry for over thirty years and lives with his wife, Marianne, in Metro Detroit, Michigan, USA.

Photo of man in grey hoodie courtesy of Guillaume Issaly via www.unsplash.com.

© 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

What is the MST Project?

Christian Lenty is the founder and director of The MST Project, a ministry that seeks to mentor men into a pursuit of sexual purity and greater wholeness. Christian has lived and worked in Thailand for over 22 years and resides in Bangkok with his wife. This information was taken from https://themstproject.com/about/ and reprinted with permission.

MST stands for "Mentoring Men, Strengthening Marriages, Teaching Truth." As a ministry, we seek to support men everywhere through our three initiatives, On The Street, Pathway to Purity, and Real Men Pursuing Purity. And through these three initiatives, we advocate for men pursuing purity, Biblically healthy marriages, loving and caring families, and an unwavering commitment to the truth.

The MST Project focuses on three primary initiatives: On the Street ministers to men who visit red-light districts through sidewalk conversations, 1-on-1 meetings, and online resources. Pathway to Purity provides 1-on-1 mentorship, weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly accountability, and online resources. Real Men Pursuing Purity hosts quarterly events, provides weekly connect groups and online resources. Please refer to each specific ministry page for a comprehensive overview of each of our initiatives.

We believe that God's love, mercy, and grace is for all men, in all places, and at all times. We view all men as the fathers, brothers, and sons they are and whom God cares deeply about. (Genesis 2:7, 2 Peter 3:9) All people deal with issues, but not everyone has someone to help them overcome those issues. Our heart is to be that support for men wanting to make changes in their life.

When a man invites us to be a part of his life and the struggles he is encountering, we don't run away. We listen, we offer hope, we provide practical guidance, and we share the truth. Our care for men is best demonstrated by our commitment to men.

Visit https://themstproject.com/ to learn more about online resources and support.

© 2024 The MST Project. Reprinted with permission.

When Your Spiritual Giant Falls

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in helping men and women overcome unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!”

2 Samuel 12:7a NIV

David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”

2 Samuel 12:13a NIV

I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be living in Israel during the days before and after King David fell. Israel was victorious over all her enemies and the people prospered. They loved their king. How could the man who brought the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem and instituted day and night worship be the same man that committed adultery with Bathsheba and killed her faithful warrior-husband to cover up his own sin? In the months that followed, David’s family fell into chaos with incest, murder, and his own son stealing the throne. The people wept as David fled Jerusalem with his head covered in shame (2 Samuel 15). David’s sins didn’t just hurt those he sinned against, they hurt those who looked to him for leadership.

Sound familiar? My heart has been heavy as many in the church have been weeping over the recent allegations of sexual misconduct by yet another man of God who appeared to accomplish much for the Kingdom. My heart is breaking for the brave souls who have shared their experiences of abuse, and so many others who have dedicated years of their lives serving the Lord in this organization. The fallout continues months after the first allegations were made public, and new allegations continue to be presented. The actions of the organization itself have been called into question.

Maybe you or someone you love has been affected by the moral failure of a trusted leader. It is important to give grace for the emotional turmoil you may be experiencing as you work though the emotional upheaval that these situations create. You may be sorting through the emotional rubble and trying to figure out which of the leader’s teachings are still valid, and what was influenced and/or corrupted by his or her sin. You may be asking yourself how you could have been so “stupid” as to not see through the perpetrator’s façade. You may be asking yourself why you I allowed yourself to ignore the red flags and warning signs that you or your friends noticed through the years. So many questions… How can a person that spends so many hours praying each day be so deceptive? How could someone look us in the face and preach holiness and devotion so effectively for years and be so steeped in sin? Give yourself grace. Those questions and feelings are normal in times of heartbreak and betrayal.

No matter what our leaders have done, Jesus is still faithful and true! Holiness is still important. Surrender to Christ is still important. Sexual purity is still important. Likely, much of what our fallen leaders have taught is correct. When Nehemiah went to Jerusalem to rebuild the city walls, he went out at night with a few trusted men and surveyed the broken-down walls. He had to take an honest look through the rubble to see what was still good, what needed to be repaired, and what things were so broken that they needed to be thrown out. He had to see what new materials had to be brought in. You may be in a similar situation. You’re standing in a pile of spiritual debris trying to figure out what is still good, what needs to be repaired, and what needs to be thrown out. I’ve been there. The process is excruciating, but it is essential. Done the right way, the process is redemptive.

You will likely have some challenges as you rebuild. You may be angry at God. Why didn’t He warn you about this person? Why did He let this sin go on for so many years? Why did He use such a sinful person to do such amazing things for the body of Christ? I’m not sure we can really come up with good answers to questions like this. I’m still trying to figure out why Jesus allowed Judas to be one of His disciples. Judas not only saw signs and wonders, he performed miracles himself. This same Judas ended up betraying Jesus with a kiss and turned Him over to those who would crucify Him. Surely, Jesus could have come up with a better plan for our salvation that didn’t involve betrayal by a trusted ministry leader. For some reason… He didn’t. Jesus knows what it is like to betrayed by a trusted ministry leader. He is our great high priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). Instead of turning away from the Lord, hide away with Him. Seek His presence. Dig into the Bible. Pray. Even if the only prayer you can utter is, “God, help.”

Resist the urge to turn your heart off to other church members and leaders. As risky as it is, we still need each other. Maybe that’s why Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to neglect gathering together. Although we have been wounded by broken people in the body of Christ, much healing comes as we find healing through the grace and love of God expressed through His faithful people in the body of Christ. If you’ve lost the support of your faith community, give yourself some time to seek out a healthy community of believers. It is worth the risk. We need friends who can help us in our brokenness. Friends who can sit with us in our pain, listen to our hearts without judgement, and walk with us to Jesus. If we have been abused, we need the courage to tell our story to trustworthy people who can help us in our healing journey. Safe, godly people are out there.

Another challenge many of us face in the aftermath of the moral failure of a Christian leader is the temptation to give in to our own temptations. This may be especially true if the leader chose to give into the very temptations you are trying to fight. Maybe you used his teachings as an encouragement to pursue holiness, sexual purity, sobriety, or full surrender. Regardless of the leader’s decision to give in to his or her sin, holiness, sexual purity, sobriety, and full surrender are important pursuits. Do your best to live for Jesus, walk in humility, and do what is right. Don’t let bitterness lead you into sin.

Give yourself time. You may find yourself walking through the seven stages of the grief cycle – shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. Not everyone experiences all seven stages, and they aren’t necessarily linear. This is where a trusted friend and/or professional can help you. Keep in mind that your healing must be separate from the response of the perpetrator and independent from the response and actions of the organization. On a human level, their repentance and amends could potentially make our healing easier, but it isn’t essential. Sometimes perpetrators aren’t repentant and organizations don’t always do the right thing. Our healing does not come from the repentance of those who wounded us. Our healing comes from the Lord as we open our hearts to Him. Open your heart to the Lord and bring your pain to Him. He came to heal the broken hearted and set the captive free (Luke 4:18). He came to heal you.

Finally, resolve that no matter what anyone else does, you are going to seek God’s grace to love and follow Him with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength (Luke 10:27). Continue to develop a deeper relationship with Christ and walk towards your calling. He will complete the good work that He started in you.

This article only scratches the surface of the emotional toll and the healing process when we are wounded by a trusted leader. You can read more articles about healing from spiritual abuse and sexual abuse at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.

Photo of woman courtesy of Kevin Turcios via www.unsplash.com. Photo of man surveying tornado damage courtesy of Chandler Cruttenden via www.unsplash.com.
© 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

But I'm not who I used to be...

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

What’s more, I am changing your name. It will no longer be Abram. Instead, you will be called Abraham, for you will be the father of many nations.

Genesis 17:5 NLT

There are times in Scripture when the Lord changes people’s names to reflect the work He is doing in their hearts. Their new name reflects their new identity. Sarai became Sarah. Jacob became Israel. Saul became Paul. There are others. These new names are a practical application of 2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” If you are in Christ, this includes you. You are a new creation. You have a new identity.

Walking this out is a process. There is tension as we live in the reality of justification, having the full righteousness of Christ applied to us through the grace and mercy of God, while living in the process of sanctification, experiencing the transformation process step by step in our lives. God no longer sees us as who we were. He sees us as He created us to be in Christ. I frequently tell my clients that our “old man”, our old sinful nature, has been crucified with Christ [Romans 6:6]; but he happens to be lying around the living room stinking the place up from time to time. Sometimes our old nature slips out and we end up acting or responding like we did in the past. This doesn’t negate the fact that we have the full righteousness of Christ. It doesn’t negate the fact that we are truly a new creation and that the old nature is gone by divine decree. However, it does illustrate the fact that sanctification is a process, and that we are learning to express our new nature more each day as we follow Christ.

One of the many challenges that many of us face in our recovery are the times when those close to us, those we hurt in the past, may continue to identify us by our old identity. It’s hard for them to see us as a new creation if they’re still recovering from the wounds we’ve inflicted on them. They may be afraid to drop their guard and trust that we are different out of fear that we will hurt them again. Sometimes we remind them of who we used to be just by being around them. It’s complicated.

During those times when people around us seem to identify us by our old name and nature, we need to remember to exercise patience and offer grace. Grace to those who were negatively affected by our behavior in the past. Grace to those who hold our old nature against us. And grace to ourselves as we continue our recovery and grow into our true identity in Christ. During those times it’s easy to get frustrated. We may even ponder giving up. Don’t. Take some time to step back and remind yourself of the new identity you have in Christ. Continue growing into the fullness of who God declares you to be. It is a process. May the Holy Spirit give you much grace in that process.

Photo of butterflies used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

What Should I Do About My Regrets?

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.
Romans 7:24-8:2 NIV

Many people say, “Live life with no regrets”. To a large degree I agree with this sentiment. We should live our lives for Christ and our behaviors and attitudes should be clear evidence of the transformational power of Jesus Christ working in our lives. However, if we’re honest with ourselves, none of us have lived our entire lives as a reflection of God’s glory. We’ve all made mistakes. We all have regrets.

We’ve all carved deep ruts in our lives. As Christians, the good news is that some of those ruts are more like virtues than ruts. The moment we come to Christ, we should start establishing deep, godly habits and patterns of true Christlikeness. Essentially, good ruts… lifestyles… virtues… Unfortunately, we also have ruts that have derailed us and have become deeply entrench negative habits and patterns. By the time we get sick of some negative ruts, we may have lived far more years of our lives than we have left. We may or may not have time to undo all of the consequences of the negative ruts while we’re still here on earth. Even if we do, it’s going to take us a lot of years and a lot of hard work to get out of the ruts. The consequences may linger.

I was at the bedside of a close family member a while ago as she passed into eternity. She knew Jesus. She had some beautiful virtues beyond that which I can ever hope to possess. She had a very difficult life. She was very faithful in some of the huge trials that came her way. She also had many huge, challenging ruts. Some through no fault of her own. Others were built slowly through years by making poor decisions. They were deep. They were pretty evident. They made parts of her life extremely difficult. Through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ she is now resting in His arms, fully loved and fully forgiven. Her decades old ruts are now a thing of the past. She is now fully transformed.

Thinking about her life caused me to focus on some of my own ruts that I’ve been wrestling with for years. Today I’m still dealing with some of the negative patterns that were present all the way back to my childhood, and some that formed in my adolescence and early adulthood. When I gave my life to Jesus, He filled in some of those ruts supernaturally. Others, He allowed to remain. Some of the ones He left I tried to avoid. Others, I kept reinforcing even though I knew I shouldn’t. Years later, as the conviction and consequences became clearer, I began to repent and work to overcome those ruts. I’m not sure I have enough years left to fully overcome some of them this side of eternity.

These are the nations that the Lord left in the land to test those Israelites who had not experienced the wars of Canaan. He did this to teach warfare to generations of Israelites who had no experience in battle.
Judges 3:1-2 NLT

The consequences of ruts don’t usually go away overnight. Jesus takes some of the earthly consequences away, but He leaves just enough that I have to continue working to overcome the ruts. I don’t see Him leaving ruts and their effects as punishment. I see them as a wise and loving Savior teaching me things I refused to learn early on. I see Him empowering me to endure and walk through the natural consequences of my ruts, as he teaches me to lean on Him for wisdom and equipping. He leads us through the process of replacing the ruts with godly virtues. In this process, we grow deeper in relationship with our Heavenly Father, and the family of God that He sends to help us in our journey.

This gets us back to the thought of regrets. Even though I do believe that we should live our lives with no regrets. I also agree with something I heard on TV a few years ago. I forget exactly who said it, but when I heard the statement, “If you don’t have any regrets you haven’t learned anything”, something clicked in my heart. Yes. We should live our lives so that we don’t have any regrets, but none of us are perfect. We will make mistakes. That is what the cross is all about. It is during those times of true conviction, sometimes even realizing the consequences of our actions, that repentance happens and change occurs. We may regret the consequences of our actions and realize the cost of our poor decisions. That brings regret. Jesus is the one who can meet us in our regrets, cleanse us of our sin, and empower us to live differently.

Regrets can also inspire us to make amends; to apologize and try to correct our mistakes and heal the relationships with those we’ve hurt. As we think about reconciling our relationships, we need to proceed prayerfully, own our part of the situation, and allow the Lord to work in the hearts of those we apologize to. Sometimes the people we’ve offended aren’t in an emotional place for us to approach them. In cases like this, we need to prayerfully repent to the Lord and trust Him to work in their hearts in His timing.

But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
1 John 1:7-9 NLT

The statement, “If you don’t have any regrets you haven’t learned anything,” touched my heart in another way. I used to struggle intensely with condemnation. I knew cognitively that Jesus cleansed me of my sin and forgave me, yet I was struggling to forgive myself. That statement refocused my thoughts on the truth that regrets mean that we realized what we did was wrong and wish we would have done something different. Going forward, we can learn how to be different… how to be better. Instead of focusing on the failure and condemnation, we need to focus on the fact that we’ve been redeemed and are being transformed. The Holy Spirit is teaching us how to live life differently. Regrets and condemnation aren’t a virtue. They are a sign that we need to acknowledge our ruts, turn to Christ, and ask Him to change our hearts.

In times of temptation, the fallout that remains from our ruts can be learning tools and reminders that what we’ve done in the past didn’t work. That can help us avoid giving into temptation. In the areas where we’re still experiencing the consequences of our ruts, we can ask the Lord for the grace to deal with our thorn in the flesh… even if we’re the ones who willingly stepped on the thorn. He is gracious. He will give us the strength to live each day for Him. He will give us the grace to overcome our ruts and regrets and turn them into virtues.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
Philippians 1:6 NLT

Photo of man courtesy of Karabo Mdluli via www.unsplash.com. Photo of woman courtesy of Getty Images via www.unsplash.com. © 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

Loving Like Jesus

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:35 NIV

Love is important. In Matthew 22:36-40, Jesus tells us that the “first and greatest commandment” is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” He then tells us that the second commandment is to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Living a life of love is extremely important to God.

Oddly enough, even most non-Christians would agree that showing love is pretty important. Both Christians and non-Christians may have problems living it out, but we know we’re supposed to. What is true love? Popular culture says we should show love by accepting everyone just as they are and celebrate their worldview and self-proclaimed identity. Essentially, celebrating “their truth”, and erasing their need to surrender their heart, mind, and soul to Jesus. I agree that we need to love those God puts in our lives whether we agree with them or not, but is accepting a misguided worldview and celebrating an identity that God didn’t give them really love? We aren’t showing true love unless we’re loving like Jesus loves.

How does Jesus show love? John 6:37 NIV reads, “All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.” Jesus truly accepts everyone who comes to Him, right where they’re at. He accepted the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. He accepted the woman caught in adultery in John 8 with the precious words, “Neither do I condemn you.” Jesus loves sacrificially. John 15:13 tells us that “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Jesus showed His ultimate love for us when He willingly surrendered His life to those who would mock, torture, and murder Him. Jesus loves us enough to pay the ultimate price for our redemption and transformation. He truly accepts anyone who comes to Him, right where they’re at. Yet, He wants more for us. He wants our hearts. He wants our lives. He wants full surrender. He showed much grace and acceptance to the woman caught in adultery when he spoke the words, “Neither do I condemn you,” and yet He also said to her, “Leave your life of sin.” True love calls us out of sin, and into the fullness of what the Father has for us.

Jesus shows us our responsibility to surrender in John 14 as He tells the disciples that He will send them the Holy Spirit. First, He gives them the instructions, “If you love me, keep my commands. [14:15], and then He gives them the promise, “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever – the Spirit of truth.” [14:16-17a] After surrender comes the beautiful promise of the Holy Spirit, followed by Jesus’ deep expression of love and belonging as He shares with the disciples that He is the vine and they are the branches. [John 15:1-17] Jesus explains part of the transformation process, the “pruning” that comes with being a part of the vine. The promises of love and joy are wrapped up in calls to obedience and loving each other. He says in verse 14, “You are my friends if you do what I command.”

Obviously, this is a tall order. No one can keep God’s commands in their own strength. Jesus isn’t looking for Pharisaical legalism, He’s looking for a willing heart. He’s looking for those who will open their hearts to Him and allow Him to transform them into the sons and daughters of the Father that they were created to be. There is grace. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” [1 John 1:9 NIV] True love calls to us in our sin, accepts us, and calls us to forsake our sin. It empowers us to embrace our true identity in Him. Christ, who is true love, walked where we walk and understands us. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” [Hebrews 4:15-16 NIV] As we surrender to Him, He will complete the work that He has begun in our hearts. [Philippians 1:6]

Photo of man in blue shirt used under license with www.shutterstock.com. Photo of recovery meeting courtesy of Adrianna Geo via www.unsplash.com. © 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

My Broken Mess: A Life Changed through Living Waters

Rhonda Ross is a good friend of Reconciliation Ministries and has attended two sessions of Living Waters. Her testimony is shared with her permission in the hopes that it helps many receive healing from Jesus, the One who heals the brokenhearted.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Psalm 51:10,12 NIV

In March of 2022 after my first Living Waters attendance, I realized that after being a very active member of my local church for 52 years, that I was NOT OK. After decades of being crushed by sin and darkness of the world, I had come to a point where there was nowhere to turn but to God. Seeing beauty in brokenness was not something I could even understand. Psalm 51 tells us that we can ask God to create in us a new heart, and renew a steadfast spirit in us. The psalm also references that He can restore us to the joy of our salvation and grant us a willing spirit to sustain us. These verses are talking about a broken spirit. Even though the revelation that I was not ok made me feel defeated, I did know that He is always with me and could heal my heart.

What really stopped me in my tracks was that after Living Waters was over, I suddenly had the realization that I had a story that I didn’t realize was actually “keeping me” from a true healing of my emotions and blocking healing from childhood and adult trauma. I didn’t know I was broken. BUT I WAS BROKEN. God gently reached down and began to walk with me through my healing journey. I HAD TO DIE TO SELF in order to be spiritually fruitful.

Those of you that don’t know me let me just tell you in a capsulated form what brought me to my knees….

• Parental emotional abuse.

• Parents were emotionally unavailable.

• My father was unfaithful to my mom, multiple times in his life and my “little girl” image of my dad on a pedestal fell to the floor and broke.

• My mom lived a bitter life after that and made it very difficult to love her.

• My mother-in-law was verbally abusive to my husband and myself right up to her death.

• My husband had a disease called FAP which in layman’s terms means polyps that form in your entire intestinal system that have to be monitored and removed to avoid cancer. He had multiple life-threatening surgeries from as early as 1990. My youngest son was diagnosed at 17 years of age with the same thing as my husband. My son’s illness progressed twice as fast as my husband’s and he suffered many years from countless surgeries. His life choices were detrimental to his illness. He was not able to really grasp the severity of his choices and lacked the understanding of how seriously ill he was.

• In January of 2017 my youngest son passed away at the age of 32 from multiple complications. He died suddenly of cardiac arrest, pneumonia, and sepsis.

• After his brother’s death my oldest son struggled as he loved his brother dearly. So hard to lose your best friend (brother).

• In July of 2021 my husband of almost 41 years died after a prolonged battle with Leukemia.

I pushed all of this down emotionally and always had a quick answer to those who inquired and said “How are you?” I WAS ALWAYS FINE… NOT!

I came to a point where I physically, emotionally, and spiritually could no longer keep it inside. I began to trust Him to repair and restore me. To repair my broken heart. In sitting with Jesus and coming here to Living Waters I was able to pour out my pain and struggles. Jesus listened to every word. I also sought Godly counsel to help maneuver the many landmines I didn’t know were there. I am here today… No longer giving you the “pretend” me. I am in the process of true freedom for the first time in my life. I bring my brokenness to you being vulnerable so that you too can be encouraged that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

Jesus suffered heartbreak for my sake on the cross, I thank Him for His sacrifice and for loving me so much. He can make something beautiful out of our messes.

© 2023 Reconciliation Ministries. This article was printed with the express permission of Rhonda Ross.

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Lives Are Changed through the Living Waters Program.

Living Waters is a Christ-centered discipleship/ministry program for men and women seeking healing in areas of sexual and relational brokenness; including codependency, fear, shame, self-hatred, pornography addiction, sexual addiction, homosexuality, sexual ambivalence, emotional abuse, childhood sexual abuse, transgender issues, and difficulty in establishing and sustaining healthy relationships. Our next program is starting soon, call 586.739.5114 for more information.

Here are just two examples of the many participants who had their lives changed through the power of Jesus Christ in the Living Waters program. Their testimonies are published with their permission.

“More than anything else Living Waters has taught me that I am able to be brutally, completely honest with God and He will not reject me for it. God desires an intimate relationship with me because He created me and loves me. Despite all of my sin and flaws I do not need to hide from God.”

“When I signed up for Living Waters, I felt like I was a failure as a wife, mother, and human being. I was not respected by my family, nor by myself. The Living Waters focus was on being honest on many different topics, and was about healing me, not anyone else. In the process of healing me, I was and am blown away that my marriage is improving, and that my adult child who wanted nothing to do with me has said that she loves me.”

Photos used are courtesy of www.unsplash.com and are not the actual participants.

A Captive Set Free - Cassie Giroux

Cassie has been a valuable member of the Living Waters ministry team for many years.  She and her husband, Larry, serve on the Reconciliation Ministries Living Waters team, and coordinate a second Living Waters program near Oakland University. Cassie has experienced the depths of despair, and the great love of our Heavenly Father. Her life is a wonderful testimony of the grace, redemption, and transformational power of Jesus Christ. This article shares her personal experience as a human trafficking survivor, and her reaction to the movie, The Sound of Freedom.

“He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives.”

Luke 4:18b CSB

There was a strange quiet walking out of the movie, Sound of Freedom.  Fourteen of us from my family went and we are not usually quiet.  We drove several cars, but my ride home was marked by complete silence.  I am not sure what everyone was thinking.  I thought that the producers handled a devastating topic with prudence, while bringing stark awareness to an unknown reality that traps so many people.  I could not help but think back to when I was 15 years old and got sucked into the undercurrent of human trafficking.

My childhood home was a joyful place in many respects.  My stepdad married my mom just before I turned three.  She and I were baptized, which brought the happiness of faith, church attendance and regular prayer into my life.  Everything was better with my stepdad, except for the continued involvement with the sexual predators on my mom’s side of the family.       

My older sister said that the sexual abuse started for me when I was still in diapers.  She hid in fear of these relatives, but I sought them out.  I enjoyed the sexual attention, along with the cigarettes, drugs and alcohol that followed as I got a little older.  It was a double life for me early on, as I was drawn to this wickedness, while treasuring the good from my new dad.

They often said, “Don’t tell your mom or dad or they will kill me.”  It is cruel to burden a child with a violation and the task of protecting the violator.  This severed my heart from the love of my parents and my church, as I kept silent. 

By the time I was 12 years old, drug and alcohol abuse was a regular part of my life.  My parents left no stone unturned trying to find help for me.  At 14, they learned about a “treatment” center through a nearby church.  This church endorsement was what my parents needed to cement their trust.  They were unaware of the brutality and deceitfulness of those people.

I was taken 275 miles south to a warehouse.  I would spend over 100 hours a week locked in that building and several hours each night locked in a foster/host home.  Over the next 17 months I stayed at 27 different homes.

As a result of my first two escapes, I met men who offered shelter and understanding.  It was as if they waited in the downtown plaza to help kids like me.  This was my first introduction to sexual slavery and the making of violent porn.  The silence that had concealed the shock, pain, sorrow, and shame of sexual abuse remained.  On both occasions, I was arrested and returned to the torture of the warehouse.  The third escape would be my last.

Returning home was not an option, because my parents did not believe the many stories of abuse within the warehouse.   My travels covered 4,223 miles, in the dark underside of many cities where people are bought and sold.  I could not help but be grateful while watching Sound of Freedom that I was not a little child like those in the movie, but I have seen this on our own soil.  I have seen little children torn from their parents to satisfy sinful appetites and perversions.  Parents were taken to sweatshops or farms unless the mother could be used in other ways.

My heart breaks when reading the attacks on this movie, calling it a “conspiracy theory.”  How I wish that were true.  That my young life was only a bad dream, along with so many others.  People have told me as much.  I often wondered why no one came to help.  Why did these men, many of whom were husbands, fathers, and brothers, not offer help?  Why did they not call the authorities or ask where my parents were?  Instead, they took another piece of me away and returned to their lives.

One of my owners tried to explain this to me.  He wrote on my heart like it was a blank slate.  Some of the things that he said stayed with me for many years.  His lies “helped me” to make sense of things.  “You save marriages and protect young girls from sexual abuse because you are not a person.  If they did this to a real person, it would be wrong, but you are a machine made for sex.”  He also told me that I would never see my family again, never marry or have children, and that I would die young.  When I could no longer hide that I did in fact become a mother, the child in my womb was stomped by his boot heel.  My body had become a tomb.

As the hours and days passed, marked by disintegration and terrible aloneness, it felt as if I was getting farther and farther from home, and any hope of ever returning.  It seemed nothing was left of me to return home anyway.  I was a shell.  When I started out, I kept count of my sexual partners.  I am not sure why, but it seemed important.  I lost track in the 400’s when I realized that it did not matter; I did not matter.

Our Heavenly Father was not going to let the enemy have the last word in my heart.  “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18.

I was in Las Vegas, working long hours for gun toting thugs like those depicted in the movie, and God parted the waters for me.  The story of my escape will not fit in this article, but I declare that our God is faithful, true, and His love is powerful!  I returned to my family at 17 years old.  They did not send me back to the warehouse.  Several months later, my mom found a church with a 12-step recovery meeting, and I went.

Fast forward to 2012.  I was married for 26 years to a good man, the mother of 14 wonderful children, a grandmother, active in church, and 27 years clean and sober.  Something else happened that year; my stepdad adopted me.  I was 45 years old and was thankful for my new life.  Our generous Father let my heart be turned upside down until I could not take the pain anymore.  This all seemed so ridiculous, like I should be past this, stronger than this, not to mention grateful.  Somehow, God was calling me to bring Him my secret darkness and to receive my inheritance as His beloved daughter.

In my quiet search for the cheapest Christian counselor, I stumbled onto Dan Hitz at Reconciliation Ministries.  I was embarrassed even to call.  I thought this sort of thing demonstrated a lack of faith and a terrible character deficit.  Not the first time I was wrong, and I am sure it has not been the last. God’s loving hand was parting more waters, making way for more freedom. After about six sessions, Dan released me and recommended Living Waters. I was not sure about gathering and working with people from different churches, but I trusted Dan.  That was an act of God because I usually trusted no one.  I went through two sessions as a participant and then was invited onto their team.  I am still there, because there is nothing quite like the sound of chains breaking, The Sound of Freedom!

Words cannot express the change and healing that have come to my heart, and to my whole family.  God’s word, His power, and His love have taken on new meaning for me.  Very deep wounds have become trophies of grace.  He really is kind and merciful!

 "What I tell you in the dark, utter in the light; and what you hear whispered, proclaim upon the house tops."

Matthew 10:27 RSV

Cassie speaking at an overcoming Strongholds seminar in 2020.

When I think of my future, I think of the house top. I spent so many years identifying as a "freak of nature," and I am finished with enemy’s lies over my identity.  My heart breaks for others when I see this prison, the enemy narrative, stealing and destroying every good thing.  I will speak louder, I will speak the Word of God, the power of His love to change everything. Jesus purchased me with His blood, and I praise Him and thank Him, out loud with my eyes fixed on Him.

If you have been objectified and abused by human trafficking, there is freedom and restoration in Jesus.  His love can heal you and He uses the people who serve Him.  There are hotlines for current victims and help from law enforcement.  I was set free from the foul residue years later by the prayer ministry at Reconciliation Ministries and Desert Stream/Living Waters.  God has servants everywhere. Find Him, find them; find them, find Him. He has not forsaken you, He never will.

 “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

John 8:36 ESV

 If you or someone you love needs help, call the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888.373.7888, or visit them online at www.humantraffickinghotline.org.

You can also text 233733.

                    Photo of sad girl and woman on bed used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2023 Cassie Giroux. This article was printed with the express permission of Cassie Giroux.

at www.mendingthesoul.org. A workbook is available.

The Road Less Traveled

Tom and Donna Cole are co-directors of Pure Heart Ministries International. They have shared the message of God’s transforming love in over 43 nations. Tom started his ministry experience at Reconciliation Ministries and served as Executive Director from 1994 to 2003. They have four children and six grandchildren with another on the way!

And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Corinthians 6:11 NKJV 

My life would take a dramatic turn in November of 1986. Before that day I was a deeply broken and lost man. I had been actively involved in the gay community in Detroit for seven years. I had secretly been involved sexually for the 7 years before that. And I was miserable. I thought if I just embraced who I really was, and give myself fully to it, I would find true happiness and fulfillment. My friends and family that knew about my homosexuality embraced me and accepted me. But deep down I was suicidal and miserable. I drank and did drugs regularly. I kept searching for the right man to love. But in that search I became sexually addicted as well.

Then in November of 1986 I was introduced to Jesus Christ through the precious witness of a woman I worked with. I went to church with her and her family and gave my life to Christ at the end of the service. I knew I was different from that moment on. Shame was broken off as I realized Jesus forgave my sins. But that was just the beginning of my journey. I would spend the next 6 years dealing with the root issues of my same-sex attraction. I was saved, but Jesus is all about transforming us into His image. And that takes time. In the midst of this process I met and became best friends with Donna, a former lesbian. Two years into that process we both realized that we had fallen in love. We married on Christmas Day of 1988. Does marriage heal homosexuality? Not even close. We both were still very broken in our first years of marriage and much healing would still need to occur for us to walk in victory over our brokenness.

God is faithful. If we lean into Him, and trust His ways, He will bring about our transformation. It may not be in the timeline that we desire. But He will change us in so many ways. I leaned into God and recognized that I was a weak man. In my weakness God became my strength.  I did not overcome same sex issues in my own strength. I didn’t have strength to do anything. Slowly, but surely, I found my attractions diminishing. I began to see men the way God intended. I sought out deliverance, healing and godly counsel on this journey. I attended church services and worship nights. I read the Bible voraciously. I would spend hours in my room just worshipping Jesus. I built healthy friendships. I love that we get to partner with God in the process of sanctification! I also had to renew my mind. I had spent so many years focused on an unhealthy view of men. My mind was so polluted by my past. I memorized scriptures that dealt with temptation. I did deep studies in the Bible concerning His will for my sexuality. I read books and testimonies of others who had overcome. I joined with God in the process.

I honestly give all the glory and credit to God for the last 37 years of transformation. Is life hard sometimes? Absolutely! I’ve known grief intimately. I’ve battled temptation with God at my side. I’ve had conflict in my marriage, with my children and with friends. But I have always continued to lean into Christ through prayer, worship, solitude and through studying His word. I heard a worship song that said “If you don’t quit, you win”! Profound and true words! I think that is the key to true transformation.

My wife and I are coming to the Detroit area in July and will be sharing our testimonies at Great Lakes Church in Sterling Heights Sunday, July 23rd at 9:00 AM. Come and join us to hear us share our stories. We will also be doing a Pure Heart weekend conference July 28th and 29th in South Lyon. The weekend addresses the primary wounds we all have received in life. It’s a healing experience for everyone. This is not just about homosexuality. It’s for each and every one of us. Please come and join us, and bring a friend.

For more information about Pure Heart Ministries, visit them at www.pureheart.rest.

Photo of sunrise courtesy of www.unsplash.com.
Photo of Tom and Donna courtesy of www.pureheart.rest.

© 2023 Pure Heart Ministries.

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Tom and Donna Cole will be sharing their testimonies at Great Lakes Church on Sunday, July 23rd at 9:00 PM. They will also be doing a question and answer session at 6:00 PM. Great Lakes Church is located at 39051 Dodge Park Rd, Sterling Heights, MI 48313.

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Tom and Donna will be doing a Pure Heart weekend conference in South Lyon at The Barn on July 28th and 29th. The eight lessons of Pure Heart are based on the Beatitudes from the Gospel of Matthew. There will be worship, teaching and ministry times following. This is an experiential weekend. Come expecting to have God heal and transform your heart. Tom and Donna have ministered Pure Heart to many thousands of people. Testimonies continue to come in from many years ago that Pure Heart changed their lives and that they have had lasting change.  You can register online at https://www.pureheart.rest/events/july-23-24-2023-in-south-lyon. The exact address will be given when you register.

God Meant it for Good: A Lesson from Joseph

Craig is a licensed Minister of the Gospel in the International Fellowship of Christian Assemblies. He joined the ministry team of Reconciliation Ministries in 2023 as a ministerial caregiver and prayer minister. Craig’s passion for recovery ministry comes from his own process of healing from childhood neglect, emotional and sexual abuse, and relational challenges. He has experienced the Lord’s transforming power in his life and has a passion to help others grow in Christ and experience the healing that the Lord provides.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” – Genesis 50:20 NLT

As the youngest of 3 boys in an extremely dysfunctional and abusive home, I have always been the caretaker and the strong one. I started counseling people when I was in junior high and have taken care of hurting/needy people all of my life. It was easier to take care of others than to face my own life because when you are helping others, no one asks about you.

I had always been different growing up and my dad never accepted me. Anyone not like him was wrong.  He was an accountant and very logical and I was creative, sensitive and not the normal rough and tumble boy like my two older brothers. My dad was in his own world which consisted of work and having a “Better Homes & Garden” yard. This fit with the image that he wanted to have of us being the “perfect” family to all on the outside. My brothers and I were on our own to figure out life and how to not get dad angry. My oldest brother made the mistake of trying to get close to my dad, and we watched in horror as my dad emotionally destroyed him. Needless to say, being close with my dad was not an option for me. My mother was very stressed out with 3 boys very close in age and having no family support in raising us. When I was very young my mother had a nervous breakdown from the pressure of raising three boys and trying to be perfect enough to please my perfectionistic, workaholic, raging father. I learned at a very early age not to be a burden to anyone and not to need. My mom became completely depleted emotionally and started to turn in greater ways to me as the youngest and more sensitive child for her emotional needs, intimacy, and support. We had been enmeshed since I was born, but it became even more so now to the point where I had no identity of my own. In this I learned that I was not allowed to live, need, feel, or exist because I was there to meet her needs. Basically, I was a non-person. If I felt smothered or had any preferences to not be so close to her, I was wrong. I felt like a fly in the web of a spider who was trapped by the web and having my blood sucked out of me a little at a time. Some of the time the spider was kind and other times I could tell that it was killing me. I learned to suppress my hatred of my mom because how can you hate your mom especially when she is “Mother Teresa” to the rest of the world. She really was a great lady it was just that she was also very broken, and I was the one who bore the brunt of her brokenness. I was beginning to view “love” as something destructive because as I was to learn later, abusive people tend to tell their victims often that they love or care for them.

At age 10 a male member of the family started to molest me and this went on for 3½ to 4 years; this just about destroyed me. I didn’t know how to deal with the shame, confusion, and devastation, so I learned to shut down and become numb in order to cope. As I look back, I can see why the longer the abusive relationship lasts the more damage it causes. The reason being is that over time you become more and more dysfunctional as you try to cope with the on-going horribleness of it all. You start out in a shock and trauma phase and gradually adjust. I even got to the place of lying to myself that this was some kind of special relationship where he really cared about me. Needless to say, the damage was quite severe. I walked into junior high school while this was still going on and was immediately labeled as gay, because I was so confused, and treated as a leper. Most of my friends split and I was left to survive on my own. In an effort to try and make sense of everything that was happening to me, I turned to the world of make believe: the theatre. I could pretend to be someone else and that people liked me. I reached out for a male image to become and ended up with the male model image popularized at the time by “GQ” magazine. I grabbed onto this with all of my might and transformed myself into this image. I also lost myself in the theatre and the hope of being a star someday. The GQ image brought with it a lot of problems as men and some women started responding to the alluring person I had become. Being propositioned and made passes at become a normal thing, but it was very confusing for me. While I was still being abused by the male family member, I had become a Christian in 7th grade, but never allowed the Lord to do much in my heart because I didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t even discover the Bible until I started to go to a youth group in high school. I didn’t know what to do with all of the confusion in my life, so I buried it. My brother had introduced me to hardcore porn during the years of my molestation, so I went to the local bookstore and found a whole world of porn that I immersed myself into trying to deal with my pain and confusion. 

In college the propositions became more frequent and I immersed myself into helping others even more than before. During that time, I did grow a lot in my walk with the Lord, but I still did not know what to do with all the struggles I was having or my confusing life. After college, I started out in ministry and swore off dating since I always ended up in abusive/destructive relationships; this became one more step to lose myself in ministry and forget even having a life or needs of my own. The unfortunate consequence of these decisions was my own near total nervous breakdown at age 30, when the Lord clearly ordered me to get out of ministry. It took almost ten years to recover from this as I worked hard to carve out a new career in the secular work force. With the Lord’s help I was able to work more than ten years in the human resource field; furthermore, after many years of working through forgiving my father, I even became an accountant myself and could embrace the talents that I had inherited from him.

Over the years, I tried everything I could think of to get some help: counselors, pastors, and books. While I learned many facts and information about my struggles, I really didn’t receive any healing. A friend of mine told me about Living Waters and I will admit that I didn’t have much hope that the program would do anything for me. I cried my way through my first Living Waters program in 2002. For the first time someone was speaking right to me and the Lord was giving me some hope for change. During Living Waters, bondages were broken, walls started to come down and many years of pain were beginning to be removed. After my initial session, I continued in Living Waters as a leader in training and then as a leader. The Lord has done a great work in my life through my years of involvement in the Living Waters program and through inner healing prayer. The Lord has healed my fractionalized identity and helped me accept who I was created to be. He also healed my broken heart and taught me how to forgive.

Previously, living as a victim who was not allowed to need, feel, or exist, I would draw people to me that wanted one-sided relationships: I being the giver and they being the taker. I also seemed to have a sign over my head that drew abusers. As I have come to life through the Lord’s healing, I now can feel, have preferences, and desire two-way relationships. Where I once was content to just listen to endless monologues, I now want to have two-way discussion; this is not to say that there isn’t a time and place where friends need to dump or get something off of their chest, but this should not be the normal mode in a friendship. I also can see the abusers a mile away and can run because I no longer feel worthless and deserving of bad treatment.

I used to hide from my pain and background by filling my life with other people’s needs. This was safer for me because my emotional energy was channeled outward and I could ignore my inner struggles. I became addicted to the feelings that came from helping others and it was like a drug that made me feel good about myself. The more I helped people, the better I felt, so it became quite a cycle until I crashed. Now I no longer need to help others to feel good about myself or to ignore the things in my life because the Lord has healed me and helps me address the things going on in my life. Today, I am developing disciples, doing some prayer ministry and ministerial care for Reconciliation Ministries, and making my way back into full-time ministry as a planter of house churches. As I move back into ministry this time, the Lord has taught me a great deal about having a balanced life. It is okay for me to have a life and be alive and enjoy having friends. I am no longer hiding from my background and pain through helping others. He has healed me and I am ready to give again using my God given gifts as they were intended to be used. It is not God’s desire to use me as my abusers did and chew me up and spit me out when He is done. The Lord desires to work through my life to help others, and He also desires to have relationship with me.

Craig is licensed as a Minister of the Gospel. He provides ministerial care and prayer ministry. If you would like to schedule an appointment with him, call 586.739.5114.

Photos used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

A Chapter from My Book

Joan Webb is a valuable member of the Reconciliation Ministries leadership team, where she serves as a Mental Health Coach, Prayer Minister, Living Waters Coordinator, and much more. She joined the leadership team in 2006. Her passion for this ministry work has come from her own process of healing from childhood emotional neglect, domestic violence, sexual assault and relational challenges. Her understanding of dependency on the Lord to heal the deep wounds of this life is the foundational message Joan brings to those seeking help and hope.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

Our lives are like a book being written over time; chapter upon chapter until the last chapter and THE END.  If I can simplify how it’s like a book (or a movie), there’s a thesis, a body and a conclusion.  Ah, but there’s so much within it’s pages (or script)!  It has themes that run through it, a protagonist, an antagonist and many contributing characters.  Sometimes the Lord invites me to examine or explore chapters in my life…the past and those currently being written.  I’ve learned He’s at the center of my growing story; He’s the author and perfector of my faith!   The Lord reveals the relationship with His created people so well in Psalm 139: 2-6; 15-16 ESV.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.  You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it…My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

These words catapulted my healing journey forward, leaping off the page and leaving me undone.  They still do.

I can look back and remember with clarity how the Lord moved in one of the most difficult chapters of my life.  The assaults to my heart, mind and soul were relentless; I could not see what needed care in the moment, let alone the care needed from my past.  It was all in my “safe box” where I learned to keep all the pain.  In my Heavenly Father’s providence and mercy, He allowed the “safe box” to overflow over time and to finally blow its lid.  A kindness.

I met one of my dearest friends at a ministry event.  I realized how the Lord brings people together in providential ways.  As our friendship grew in Christian intimacy, I began to share many of the sources of pain I carried.   I shared how I had experienced PTSD episodes on a few occasions (evidence my “safe box” lid was malfunctioning).  I felt intense humiliation when the “I’m fine” exterior strength clashed with the reality of weakness as I was hyperventilating, sobbing and re-living past violence on the floor of a restaurant restroom.  An uninvited trigger took me to past chapters against my will.  I’m not a fan of re-runs.  It happened after multiple deaths in a short amount of time:  my grandpa (heart failure), my uncle (cancer), my mom (cancer), my friend from small group (lung/heart transplant), my friend from church (epilepsy), my close neighbor (suicide), a husband and wife in an accountability group (homicide/suicide) and my cousin (overdose).  All this grief, along with other relational challenges, left my traumatized soul on overload.  My friend suggested I attend a program called Living Waters.  At the time I was just going through the motions of everyday life.  Short of the occasional PTSD episode, I thought I was managing my life responsibilities and relationships pretty well.  She saw needs I couldn’t see through my survival lenses.  She persisted in her invitations…gentle, loving and accepting for four years!  I finally attended Living Waters in 2006.

My first year as a participant opened my eyes to the truth that I really did matter; I never really thought much about my worth.  I existed, I contributed, I was nice enough, I loved the best I could…was there more?   The intriguing part of the Living Waters journey was the balance between growing in the truth that I was a good gift, and simultaneously discovering the depth of my many weak and broken parts needing God’s merciful forgiveness.  Out of my pain and gaping wounds, I learned to live less than the good my Creator intended.   To admit that out of my fear, illegitimate coping and tendency to self-protect, my reactions were just as offensive as what was done to me.  My heart was divided; bitterness, hatred and anger toward my wounders, yet love for Jesus and His people.  I learned I could not serve two masters.  I was challenged as the hard edges were painfully exposed and chiseled away.   Hebrews 4:12b-13 often convicted me; describing the word of God it says, “it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give an account.”  Clean up on aisle ME was needed.  I didn’t open my clenched fists so easily, but once I took that courageous step it was like the floodgates of freedom opened up!  Pain brought me to my knees, and for once they truly bent before the cross.  That changed everything. 

In my current chapter, I have plenty of opportunities to apply what the Lord has shown me and continues to show me.  I don’t keep these life changing revelations to myself; gifts from God are always meant to be shared.  I keep my heart and mind open to other contributing characters willing to share what I still need.  The antagonist of my soul has not yet been written off.  The developing thesis is dependency on my Heavenly Father.  I long for the concluding paragraph to include, “well done, good and faithful servant.”

Joan is a Certified Mental Health Coach and a Prayer Minister. If you would like to schedule an appointment with her, call 248.956.0265.

Photos of writing and prayer courtesy of www.unsplash.com.

© 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

Jesus Heals the Brokenhearted: Empowered through Relationship

This newsletter is based on a teaching Dan Hitz presented at New Hope Assembly of God in Taylor, Michigan on March 5, 2023. Dan is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.”

Luke 4:18-19 NKJV

Jesus was reading from the book of Isaiah in Luke 4:18-19 when He proclaimed that He has come to heal the brokenhearted. Those verses are among my favorite in Scripture. In the original language, the term “brokenhearted” means shards of glass as if you broke a mirror. That’s what many of our hearts are like – jagged shards of glass. Jesus came to heal our shattered hearts.

Dan at about five years old

I had a lot of shards of glass in my heart when I came to Christ in 1984. I was born to a paranoid schizophrenic mother who molested me before I entered kindergarten. The abuse started up again in middle school and lasted until early high school. My dad was a nice guy in general, but I shut my heart off to him when he was having a rough day and scolded me for asking too many questions. Since I shut my heart off from him, I couldn’t receive the masculine infilling that fathers are meant to give to their sons. That left me vulnerable to an older boy who abused me when I was about five or six. He made it fun at first. When he wanted me to do things I didn’t want to do, it turned coercive and shaming. I was raised in the church. It was confusing when what was talked about at church didn’t match up with what was going on at home. I knew right from wrong. In middle school, I realized that I liked the boys more than the girls. That was a problem. The abuse from my mother was threatening and aggressive. I wanted to have a normal family, but I was afraid of women. My high school and college years were full of dual attractions. I tried to have a girlfriend, but I wanted a boyfriend more. I desperately wanted a male to fill the huge masculine void I had in my heart. That didn’t work. Eventually I became bulimic. I couldn’t eat enough to fill up the void. Sexual encounters with men couldn’t fill up the void. I was truly empty.

When I got saved in 1984 the bulimia fell away instantly. Jesus began to fill the void. I didn’t need to binge anymore. I was excited and thought that the homosexual attractions that I loved and hated would instantly go away too. I was full of shame and condemnation when they didn’t. Jesus did indeed come to heal my broken heart, but He does things His way not ours. He calmed my fear of women enough to bring me a beautiful wife. She is still my wife today, some 38 years later, but even marriage doesn’t cure same-sex attraction. Only Jesus heals the brokenhearted. After about 15 years of trying to fix myself my way, I finally surrendered to God and asked Him to do whatever it took to heal my heart His way. That was the beginning of a challenging journey of recovery. A journey of learning more and more about God the Father’s heart, Jesus my Savior, and the Holy Spirit who leads me to all truth. The more I open my heart and surrender to the Lord, the more He transforms me into His image. He continues to empower me to stand as the redeemed man of God that He knit together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Her mental illness and demonic oppression couldn’t destroy the Lord’s plan for my life.

God could have taken my homosexual attractions away instantly, but He wanted to teach me to be completely dependent upon Him. He wanted to teach me to “ fight the good fight for the true faith.” (1 Timothy 6:12 NLT) This seems to be His way. As revivals are popping up around the world, there will be some who will be instantly delivered from sins that have defeated them for years. There will be many more who will enter into the battle of Judges 3:1-2 NLT, “1 These are the nations that the Lord left in the land to test those Israelites who had not experienced the wars of Canaan. 2 He did this to teach warfare to generations of Israelites who had no experience in battle.” When we’re surrendered to sin, we aren’t fighting. The Lord specifically left some enemies in the Promised Land in order to teach those who had not formerly fought any battles, how to fight. It seems He also leaves enemies in our Promised Land to teach us to fight. The only way to be successful in the battle is to know the heart of the Father. The only way to know the heart of the Father is through relationship.

The idea that homosexuality or transgender identities are sinful isn’t very popular in our culture today. Unfortunately, it isn’t popular in many Christian denominations either. Jesus was pretty clear about God’s design for sexuality. “‘Haven’t you read the Scriptures?’ Jesus replied. ‘They record that from the beginning “God made them male and female.”’ And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. ’” (Matthew 19:4-5 NIV) God ordains physical sexual expression to be exercised solely within the marriage covenant between one biologically born male and one biologically born female. He created us as male and female, not non-binary, gender fluid, or transgender. There are some people who have ambiguous genitalia or chromosomal abnormalities; however, these are scientifically verifiable and observable anomalies. They are not subjectively determined through emotional perception.

Many LGBTQ advocates will claim that homosexual attractions and transgender identities are biologically fixed and unchangeable. They claim that if we try to get counseling to change our orientation or to embrace our birth gender, we’ll become suicidal. That isn’t what the research shows. Multiple peer reviewed studies report the opposite. A study conducted by Joseph Nicolosi and others in 2000 found that even those who didn’t experience a significant shift in their sexual attractions reported improvement in their emotional well-being.1 Jay Greene, Ph.D., senior research fellow in the Heritage Foundation’s Center for Education Policy, found that transgender affirming treatments actually increase suicide risk. 2 You can read more about what research shows regarding change allowing therapy for unwanted same-sex attraction and gender confusion online at https://recmin.org/s/Research-for-SSA-and-GD-221202.pdf in the article “What Does Research Conclude About Counseling for Unwanted Same-Sex Attraction and Gender Dysphoria?”

The Bible gives us hope for transformation in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 NLT:

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 NLT 9 Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, 10 or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. 11 Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

What does the journey out of sexual brokenness and into sexual wholeness look like? My own journey has led me through several seasons of Living Waters, professional therapy, and countless hours of prayer ministry. It requires us to open our hearts to the Lord and safe others and be honest about our desires, our wounds, our sins. It requires us to deny our flesh, take up our cross, and follow Jesus (Matthew 16:24). Denying ourselves – our fleshly desires – isn’t easy. That is one of the many places where we learn to fight. It is one of the many places where we need to accept the Lord’s invitation in Isaiah 1:18 NKJV, “‘Come now, and let us reason together,’ says the Lord, ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool.’” Reasoning implies disagreement, or at least a debate of ideas. When we are tempted, emotionally distraught, or struggling in the battle, the Lord invites us to reason with Him. He wants to hear our heart. He wants relationship. He ties that time of reasoning to our victory in the battle over sin. Relationship with Him transforms hearts that are stained like scarlet into hearts that are purified as new fallen snow.

dan receiving prayer at the leaders’ day during restored hope network’s HOPE 2022 conference.

The battle is won through relationship with the Lord. Sometimes that relationship occurs as we meet with Him one on one. Other times, our relationship with the Lord is developed as He meets us through His body – through other Christian brothers and sisters. The thought of honest, vulnerable relationship can be frightening to those of us who have been abused in relationship. That’s one of the areas where we may need to reason with the Lord and ask Him to help us know who to trust, and how to trust. We are wounded in relationship, and the Lord brings us healing in relationship. That’s Jesus’ heart for those who follow Him. Towards the end of His earthly ministry, He gave us a new commandment, “‘Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.’” (John 13:34-35 NLT) Learning to love and trust others takes work. Often, it’s part of the battle. It takes relationship with the Father to learn to trust, forgive, and love.

The Lord has brought me a lot of healing through my individual prayer times with Him; yet, He has brought me far more healing as He flows through other imperfect people in the Body of Christ. He has brought healing from the father wound through the older men in the church who have spoken into my life. He has brought healing from sexual abuse through safe men and women who have sat with me in the pain of the abuse and walked with me to Jesus. He has healed me from the mother wound through relationships with safe, godly women who prayed for me and spoke words of encouragement. None of these people brought healing through human effort. They were godly vessels who allowed the grace of God to flow through them. None of them were perfect. Neither am I. Sometimes we offend each other. As we learn to rely on God and walk in humility, we learn to work through our differences and forgive one another. That brings further healing and further victory. Victory through relationship.

Through the years, the shards of glass in my heart have become smoother. Many of the broken pieces have been joined back together. This is a lifelong process. Jesus has healed the wounds of abuse from my mother by meeting me in the memories – in the pain – and cleansing me with His blood. In one memory, I could see Him picking me up after the abuse and wrapping me in a white blanket. He held me lovingly and comforted me. In another memory, I felt like I could never be cleansed of the dirtiness of the abuse. The Lord moved in and I could feel the power of the Holy Spirit pushing the shame and dirtiness out of me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Years after my father passed away, the Lord helped me to open my heart back up to my dad, at least in my memories of him. He showed me ways that my father did reach out to me and speak truth and empowerment into my heart. The older I get, the more I appreciate my earthly father. The Lord has healed the pain of being abused by the older boy as He brings many safe men into my life that I can be honest and vulnerable with. These are godly men who know me in my strengths as well as my weaknesses. They don’t take advantage of my brokenness, but walk with me to Jesus where I can receive even more healing. The Lord has given me the family that I truly wanted deep down in my heart. My wife is my best friend. Our family has had its challenges through the years. We have had tragedy. We have had blessing. Through it all, my wife and I have walked to Jesus for His help. Rather than being defeated by the challenges of life, He has empowered us to stand strong in the battle and find our strength in Him. He continues to give us beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3). He truly does heal the brokenhearted.

Everyone’s healing journey is different. Some challenges may continue in your life that haven’t continued in mine, and vice versa. Whether the Lord calms the storms in your life, or walks with you in the raging storms, He is faithful. He will never give up on you. In the words of Philippians 1:6 NLT, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

If we at Reconciliation Ministries can help you in any way, call us at 586.739.5114. We offer biblically based professional therapy, prayer ministry, mental health coaching, and support groups to help you on your journey.

References:

1 Nicolosi, J., Byrd, A.D., and Potts, R.W. (2000) Retrospective self-reports of changes in homosexual orientation: A consumer survey of conversion therapy clients. Psychological Reports, 86, 1071-1088.

2 Green, Jay. (2022) Puberty Blockers, Cross-Sex Hormones, and Youth Suicide. The Heritage Foundation June 13, 2022. Retrieved from https://www.heritage.org/gender/report/puberty-blockers-cross-sex-hormones-and-youth-suicide on 12/19/2022.

Photo of broken mirror used under license with www.shutterstock.com. Photos of baptism and man in blue shirt courtesy of www.unsplash.com.

© 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

What Does Research Conclude About Counseling for Unwanted Same-Sex Attraction and Gender Dysphoria?

This newsletter is based on a workshop Dan Hitz and Jim Katsoudas presented at Restored Hope Network’s HOPE 2022 conference. Both Dan and Jim are licensed mental health counselors. A previous newsletter presented a clear understanding of what licensed therapy and pastoral care for unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion looks like, compared to the public narrative of “conversion therapy”.  This newsletter will explore what scientific research actually concludes about the validity of “change allowing therapy”.

Am I born this way? Can I really go from gay to straight? So many people say they are actually a male or female born into the wrong body. Are they wrong? Isn’t “conversion therapy” harmful? These are just a few of the many questions you’re hear as you interact with popular culture on the sensitive subject of sexuality, especially LGBTQ issues. This newsletter will explore what the scientific research actually concludes about efforts to overcome unwanted same-sex attraction or transgender identities. A full review of the research showing the validity of sexual orientation change efforts is beyond the scope of this newsletter. You can find many more articles and studies in the Journal of Human Sexuality published by the Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity at https://www.journalofhumansexuality.com/journals.

You’ve no doubt heard any efforts to change sexual orientation or gender identity is called “conversion therapy”. That term may even cause the hair on the back of your neck to stand up. Conversion therapy is a derogatory term coined by LGBTQ advocates to demonize any assistance to overcome unwanted homosexual attractions or gender confusion, whether it be from trained, licensed mental health care providers, pastoral caregivers, or peer support. The term is designed to create animosity between the church and non-church goers who don’t want to be converted through some type of coercion. It is also a guilt by association technique to falsely link harsh and abusive practices to those actually used by compassionate, skilled caregivers who function well within ethical, legal, and spiritual guidelines. The correct term for therapy to help someone overcome unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion is “change allowing therapy”. Change allowing therapy is also referred to as “sexual orientation change efforts” and “sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts”. You can read more about change allowing therapy in a previous newsletter article entitled, The Truth About Counseling”, at https://recmin.org/s/Truth-About-Counseling-220826.pdf.

 

As we explore what scientific research concludes about change allowing therapy, let’s begin by acknowledging the elephant in the room. All of the main secular therapeutic organizations claim that efforts to change sexual orientation or gender identity are harmful and cause depression, anxiety, and increased suicidal behavior. Most current research on LGBTQ issues is biased against efforts to change sexual orientation or gender identity.1 Researchers who publish results incompatible with the LGBTQ agenda are often ostracized. Such political pressure to support the LGBTQ community at the expense of valid science is nothing new. In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the diagnostic and statistical manual through a political move that ignored valid research.2 The APA task force on homosexuality deliberated for three years before finally pushing the voting to normalize homosexuality with a very small majority. Unfortunately, that task force was composed of only individuals in favor of normalizing homosexuality. The group consulted only homosexual activist groups and ignored anyone who disagreed with the pro-gay activists. Gay activists also began protesting other mental health groups during that time and harassing those who presented evidence that homosexuality is not a normal expression of human sexuality.2

Scientific research about LGBTQ issues continues to be politicized today. In June of 2020, John Blosnich, Emmitt Henderson, and others published an article entitled, Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Adverse Childhood Experiences, and Suicide Ideation and Attempt Among Sexual Minority Adults, in the American Journal of Public Health.3 In this article the researchers claimed a distinct link between change allowing therapy and suicidal thoughts and actions. They concluded, “Over the lifetime, sexual minorities who experienced SOCE [sexual orientation change efforts] reported a higher prevalence of suicidal ideation and attempts than did sexual minorities who did not experience SOCE.” Blosnich and Henderson claimed that change allowing therapy is harmful and should be avoided while advocating for affirming therapy. In an article on the Christian Medical and Dental Association website, Dr. Andre Van Mol noted that he and other researchers examined Blosnich and Henderson’s own research findings of what the original researchers called the “strongest representative sample to date of sexual minority persons” and noted several erroneous conclusions in their research.4 Van Mol pointed out that Blosnich and Henderson did not identify when the study participants experienced suicidal thoughts and behaviors, compared to when the engaged in change allowing therapy. In other words, the researchers did not admit that the suicidal thoughts and behaviors primarily occurred prior to change allowing therapy. When Van Mol and his colleagues examined Blosnich and Henderson’s own data, they discovered that change allowing therapy actually reduced suicidal thoughts and behaviors. After accurately reviewing the research, Van Mol writes, “SOCE strongly reduced suicidal ideation, planning and attempts, with even stronger effects for adults experiencing SOCE compared with minors doing the same.”

What about the claims that we are born gay, and that sexual orientation is immutable? Interestingly enough, research from both gay affirming therapists and change allowing therapist shows that sexual orientation is fluid and can change. Dr. Lisa Diamond, a feminist and affirming psychologist, studied 100 women for over ten years and presents the results in her book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire.5 She documents the fluidity of the women’s attractions as they shift back and forth from men, to women, and back again. Interestingly enough, Diamond is pro-gay and believes that “conversion therapy cannot change sexual attraction”;6 however, she clearly concludes that orientation can change. She does not subscribe to the “born gay” theory. It is difficult to understand how Diamond can believe that sexuality is fluid, yet does not believe that people should be free to pursue change allowing therapy if they don’t wish to embrace their same-sex attractions. It seems the politicization of sexuality continues.

The late Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a prominent change allowing therapist, published his research team’s findings in the journal, Psychological Reports, showing that ethical treatment was successful in decreasing unwanted same-sex desires. Among his findings are the following statistics:

…surveyed 850 individuals and 200 therapists and counselors – specifically seeking out individuals who claim to have made a degree of change in sexual orientation. Before counseling or therapy, 68% of respondents perceived themselves as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual, with another 22% stating they were more homosexual than heterosexual. After treatment only 13% perceived themselves as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual, while 33% described themselves as either exclusively or almost entirely heterosexual, 99% of respondents said they now believe treatment to change homosexuality can be effective and valuable.7

It is notable that the percentage of participants identifying as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual dropped from 68% to only 13% after treatment. It is also interesting to note that 99% of the respondents stated that “they now believe treatment to change homosexuality can be effective and valuable”.7 This includes many of the 13% who reported little change after treatment. Nicolosi’s work is one of many studies that show that change allowing therapy is safe and effective.

The research is even more startling when we look at transgender issues. Parents are told, “It’s better to have a live daughter, than a dead son when they resist embracing their son’s new transgender identity. They are told that they must embrace their son’s identity as a female or they will drive him to suicide. Are affirmed transgender individuals really less likely to have suicidal thoughts or actions than those who are not encouraged to embrace their transgender feelings? According to Jay Greene, Ph.D., senior research fellow in the Heritage Foundation’s Center for Education Policy, “Lowering legal barriers to make it easier for minors to undergo cross-sex medical interventions without parental consent does not reduce suicide rates—in fact, it likely leads to higher rates of suicide among young people in states that adopt these changes.”8 Greene writes that research showing that gender-affirming treatments prevent suicide is poorly conducted, while better research methods actually show an increased suicide risk.8

Multiple research studies indicate that the vast majority of prepubescent children who identify as transgender will grow up to embrace their birth gender without counseling or direct intervention.9 The Institute for Research and Evaluation released an article entitled Transgender Research: Five Things Every Parent and Policy-Maker Should Know, in which they evaluated multiple studies on transgender issues. When addressing the fact that most prepubescent children grow to embrace their biological gender, they write:

There is strong evidence showing that the vast majority of children (averaging about 85%) who experience gender dysphoria will resolve their gender identity confusion and accept their biological sex by the time they reach young adulthood, that is, if they are not subjected to “social transition” or cross-sex medical intervention. But for those who are the subject of early transition efforts, the large majority will most likely persist in a “trans” identity. (“Social transition” refers to cross-sex dressing and social reinforcement of a transgender identity for children by adults.)10

The Christian Medical and Dental Association acknowledges that there are higher incidents of mental health disorders among transgender individuals such as “depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, and risky sexual behaviors in comparison to the general population”; however, they cite multiple research studies to support their conclusion that “these mental health co-morbidities have been shown to predate transgender identification.”11 They write, “Although current medical evidence is incomplete and open to various interpretations, some studies suggest that surgical alteration of sex characteristics has uncertain and potentially harmful psychological effects and can mask or exacerbate deeper psychological problems.”11 With this in mind, it is far better to treat the psychological roots of gender dysphoria than to promote a physiological mask.

What about the long-term effects of gender affirmation surgery? Walt Heyer is a post-operative, former trans female, who has detransitioned back to his birth gender. He helps men and women who are experiencing sex change regret. Heyer notes that most transgenders find relief in the initial stages of their transition; however, sex change regret surfaces five to ten years after gender affirmation surgery.12 Heyer cites a Swedish study which found that the suicide rate of post-operative transgenders is 19 times that of non-transgender peers, and higher than those identifying as transgender who did not transition surgically.12 Gender reassignment surgery is not the answer to preventing suicide among those struggling with gender dysphoria.

This newsletter has only looked at the tip of the iceberg in terms of research on homosexuality and transgender issues. What is the answer for those who are struggling with unwanted same-sex attraction or transgender feelings? Is there any hope at all for recovery and transformation? Yes! There are both Christian and secular organizations that exist to help people overcome unwanted homosexual and transgender identities. Change is a process. Transformation isn’t easy. You will need someone to walk with you and provide encouragement, accountability, correction, and strength. Below is just a small list of organizations that can help you in your healing journey. There are many more. These organizations can assist you in connecting to local resources in your area.

Restored Hope Network – www.restoredhopenetwork.org

Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity - www.therapeuticchoice.com

Changed Movement – www.changedmovement.com

Desert Stream Ministries – www.desertstream.org

Help for Families – www.help4families.org

Reintegrative Therapy – www.reintegrativetherapy.com   

Pure Passion Media – www.purepassion.us

Additional scientific research articles are available at these websites.

Restored Hope Network – www.restoredhopenetwork.org

Journal of Human Sexuality – www.journalofhumansexuality.com/journals

Institute for Research & Evaluation – www.institute-research.com Christian Medical and Dental Association – www.cmda.org/policy-issues-home/position-statements/

Resources

1 Regnerus, Mark. (2019) Does “Conversion Therapy” Hurt People Who Identify as Transgender? The New JAMA Psychiatry Study Cannot Tell Us. Public Discourse. The Withersppon Institute. Retrieved from https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2019/09/57145/ on 12/19/2022.

2 Clowes, Brian. (2020) The Homosexuals’ American Psychological Association Coup. Human Life International. Retrieved from https://www.hli.org/resources/apa-on-homosexuality/ on 12/18/2022.

3 Blosnich, John R; Henderson, Emmett R; et al. (2020) Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Adverse Childhood Experiences, and Suicide Ideation and Attempt Among Sexual Minority Adults, United States, 2016-2018, American Journal of Public Health, 110, no. 7, July 1, 2020. Abstract retrieved from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32437277/ on 12/18/2022.

4 Van Mol, Adre. (2021) SOCE Reduces Suicidality in a New Study. Christian Medical and Dental Association. Retrieved from https://cmda.org/soce-reduces-suicidality-in-a-new-study/ on 11/29/2022.

5 Diamon, Lisa. (2009) Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Harvard University Press.

6 LGBT Science. Truth Wins Out. 29 October 2013. Retrieved 20 April 2015. Quoted from Wikipedia article retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lisa_M._Diamond on 12/18/2022.

7 Nicolosi, J., Byrd, A.D., and Potts, R.W. (2000) Retrospective self-reports of changes in homosexual orientation: A consumer survey of conversion therapy clients. Psychological Reports, 86, 1071-1088.

8 Green, Jay. (2022) Puberty Blockers, Cross-Sex Hormones, and Youth Suicide. The Heritage Foundation June 13, 2022. Retrieved from https://www.heritage.org/gender/report/puberty-blockers-cross-sex-hormones-and-youth-suicide on 12/19/2022.

9 Cantor, James. How Many Transgender Kids Grow Up to Stay Trans? PsyPost. Posted December 30, 2017. Retrieved from https://www.psypost.org/2017/12/many-transgender-kids-grow-stay-trans-50499 on 2/24/2019.

10 The Institute for Research & Evaluation. (2022) Transgender Research: Five Things Every Parent and Policy-Maker Should Know. Retrieved from https://www.institute-research.com/pdf/Transgender_Research--5_Questions_for_Parents_%26_Policymakers_%28IRE%209-26-22%29.pdf on 12/19/2022.

11 CMDA Ethics Statement: Transgender Identification. (2021) Christian Medical and Dental Association. Retrieved from https://app.box.com/shared/static/bjkazlu3pdqbq88dhfgpbttrhcspft6h.pdf on 12/19/2022.

12 Heyer, Walt. Trans Life Survivors. Self-published, Lexington, KY, 2018.

 Photos provided by www.unsplash.com. © 2022 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.

This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.