Love Is The Answer

This newsletter was originally written by Dan Hitz for The MST Project’s Real Men Pursuing Purity Event 40 devotional booklet, The Path to Holiness, in February 2024. The MST Project is a Christian ministry committed to helping every man realize his full potential. MST stands for "Mentoring Men, Strengthening Marriages, Teaching Truth." The MST Project was founded by Christian Lenty and is an international ministry headquartered in Bangkok, Thailand. You can learn more about the MST Project at https://themstproject.com.

 “There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?”

Simon answered and said, “I suppose the one whom he forgave more.”

And He said to him, “You have rightly judged.”

Luke 7:41-43 NKJV

“The assurance of His total forgiveness of our sins through the blood of Christ means we don't have to play defensive games anymore. We don't have to rationalize and excuse our sins. We can call sin exactly what it is, regardless of how ugly and shameful it may be, because we know that Jesus bore that sin in His body on the cross.”

Jerry Bridges, The Navigators

If you’re reading this devotional it’s likely that you’ve been forgiven for a lot of bad things that have caused you much shame. The good news is that even when we were living a sinful life, God showed how much He loves us by sending His son, Jesus, to take the punishment that we deserved. (Romans 5:8) When we come to Him in repentance, He takes away our sin and invites us to live our lives in relationship with Him. He offers us the joy, peace, and fulfillment that we were looking for all along. His offer of forgiveness continues as we learn to live in relationship with Him and overcome our sin day by day. (Romans 5:1-11) The more we realize how much He has forgiven us, the more our love for Him grows. (Luke 7:36-50)

Through relationship with Jesus, we realize that the sinful things that we once thought were so valuable actually have no value. Even though our sexual sins may have felt very powerful, they actually robbed us of our strength. They put us into spiritual debt. When we turn away from our sins and ask Jesus for forgiveness, He forgives our debts and teaches us to value His ways. In relationship, He asks us to surrender the worthless things that caused us shame, and gives us things of great eternal value in their place. His love for us empowers us far more than the destructive false love of sexual sin cripples us.

Focusing on the love of Jesus and the better gifts He offers us helps us resist sin. A while ago I was looking at social media as I was getting ready to fall asleep. Temptation hit. I had a choice to make. I could surrender to the offer of a lesser pleasure that would give an immediate powerful payoff, but would bring shame and guilt; or I could look to Jesus who truly loves me and offers a much better reward for surrendering to Him. Thankfully I chose to forsake the shameful offering of sin, and embrace the Lord’s offering of peace. It was my love for Jesus and the desire to live for Him that helped me forsake sin. I got off of social media, turned on some audio Bible verses, and went to sleep. I woke the next morning to a wonderfully intimate prayer time with Jesus and could sense Him sharing powerful spiritual insights. Jesus’ love for me and my love for Him helped me turn away from the lesser action of sin and turn towards His wonderful gift of sexual purity and emotional peace. His love can help you too.

It is so much easier to walk away from something if you know what you are walking toward. Ask the Lord to help you understand His love for you and His goals for your life. As your love for Him grows, your appreciation of the value of His gifts will grow too. Focus on these things during your times of temptation. God’s love and His gifts are far more powerful than the destructive pleasure of sin.

1. Can you fully receive the love and forgiveness that Jesus offers you, or do you struggle with condemnation?

2. What has your sexual sin cost you emotionally, relationally, and experientially?

3. What has Jesus offered you in exchange for your sin?

Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan. He is an ordained minister and licensed professional counselor specializing in helping people overcome sexual brokenness, sexual abuse, and trauma. Dan has been in the ministry for over thirty years and lives with his wife, Marianne, in Metro Detroit, Michigan, USA.

Photo of man in grey hoodie courtesy of Guillaume Issaly via www.unsplash.com.

© 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

What is the MST Project?

Christian Lenty is the founder and director of The MST Project, a ministry that seeks to mentor men into a pursuit of sexual purity and greater wholeness. Christian has lived and worked in Thailand for over 22 years and resides in Bangkok with his wife. This information was taken from https://themstproject.com/about/ and reprinted with permission.

MST stands for "Mentoring Men, Strengthening Marriages, Teaching Truth." As a ministry, we seek to support men everywhere through our three initiatives, On The Street, Pathway to Purity, and Real Men Pursuing Purity. And through these three initiatives, we advocate for men pursuing purity, Biblically healthy marriages, loving and caring families, and an unwavering commitment to the truth.

The MST Project focuses on three primary initiatives: On the Street ministers to men who visit red-light districts through sidewalk conversations, 1-on-1 meetings, and online resources. Pathway to Purity provides 1-on-1 mentorship, weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly accountability, and online resources. Real Men Pursuing Purity hosts quarterly events, provides weekly connect groups and online resources. Please refer to each specific ministry page for a comprehensive overview of each of our initiatives.

We believe that God's love, mercy, and grace is for all men, in all places, and at all times. We view all men as the fathers, brothers, and sons they are and whom God cares deeply about. (Genesis 2:7, 2 Peter 3:9) All people deal with issues, but not everyone has someone to help them overcome those issues. Our heart is to be that support for men wanting to make changes in their life.

When a man invites us to be a part of his life and the struggles he is encountering, we don't run away. We listen, we offer hope, we provide practical guidance, and we share the truth. Our care for men is best demonstrated by our commitment to men.

Visit https://themstproject.com/ to learn more about online resources and support.

© 2024 The MST Project. Reprinted with permission.

When Your Spiritual Giant Falls

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in helping men and women overcome unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!”

2 Samuel 12:7a NIV

David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”

2 Samuel 12:13a NIV

I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be living in Israel during the days before and after King David fell. Israel was victorious over all her enemies and the people prospered. They loved their king. How could the man who brought the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem and instituted day and night worship be the same man that committed adultery with Bathsheba and killed her faithful warrior-husband to cover up his own sin? In the months that followed, David’s family fell into chaos with incest, murder, and his own son stealing the throne. The people wept as David fled Jerusalem with his head covered in shame (2 Samuel 15). David’s sins didn’t just hurt those he sinned against, they hurt those who looked to him for leadership.

Sound familiar? My heart has been heavy as many in the church have been weeping over the recent allegations of sexual misconduct by yet another man of God who appeared to accomplish much for the Kingdom. My heart is breaking for the brave souls who have shared their experiences of abuse, and so many others who have dedicated years of their lives serving the Lord in this organization. The fallout continues months after the first allegations were made public, and new allegations continue to be presented. The actions of the organization itself have been called into question.

Maybe you or someone you love has been affected by the moral failure of a trusted leader. It is important to give grace for the emotional turmoil you may be experiencing as you work though the emotional upheaval that these situations create. You may be sorting through the emotional rubble and trying to figure out which of the leader’s teachings are still valid, and what was influenced and/or corrupted by his or her sin. You may be asking yourself how you could have been so “stupid” as to not see through the perpetrator’s façade. You may be asking yourself why you I allowed yourself to ignore the red flags and warning signs that you or your friends noticed through the years. So many questions… How can a person that spends so many hours praying each day be so deceptive? How could someone look us in the face and preach holiness and devotion so effectively for years and be so steeped in sin? Give yourself grace. Those questions and feelings are normal in times of heartbreak and betrayal.

No matter what our leaders have done, Jesus is still faithful and true! Holiness is still important. Surrender to Christ is still important. Sexual purity is still important. Likely, much of what our fallen leaders have taught is correct. When Nehemiah went to Jerusalem to rebuild the city walls, he went out at night with a few trusted men and surveyed the broken-down walls. He had to take an honest look through the rubble to see what was still good, what needed to be repaired, and what things were so broken that they needed to be thrown out. He had to see what new materials had to be brought in. You may be in a similar situation. You’re standing in a pile of spiritual debris trying to figure out what is still good, what needs to be repaired, and what needs to be thrown out. I’ve been there. The process is excruciating, but it is essential. Done the right way, the process is redemptive.

You will likely have some challenges as you rebuild. You may be angry at God. Why didn’t He warn you about this person? Why did He let this sin go on for so many years? Why did He use such a sinful person to do such amazing things for the body of Christ? I’m not sure we can really come up with good answers to questions like this. I’m still trying to figure out why Jesus allowed Judas to be one of His disciples. Judas not only saw signs and wonders, he performed miracles himself. This same Judas ended up betraying Jesus with a kiss and turned Him over to those who would crucify Him. Surely, Jesus could have come up with a better plan for our salvation that didn’t involve betrayal by a trusted ministry leader. For some reason… He didn’t. Jesus knows what it is like to betrayed by a trusted ministry leader. He is our great high priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). Instead of turning away from the Lord, hide away with Him. Seek His presence. Dig into the Bible. Pray. Even if the only prayer you can utter is, “God, help.”

Resist the urge to turn your heart off to other church members and leaders. As risky as it is, we still need each other. Maybe that’s why Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to neglect gathering together. Although we have been wounded by broken people in the body of Christ, much healing comes as we find healing through the grace and love of God expressed through His faithful people in the body of Christ. If you’ve lost the support of your faith community, give yourself some time to seek out a healthy community of believers. It is worth the risk. We need friends who can help us in our brokenness. Friends who can sit with us in our pain, listen to our hearts without judgement, and walk with us to Jesus. If we have been abused, we need the courage to tell our story to trustworthy people who can help us in our healing journey. Safe, godly people are out there.

Another challenge many of us face in the aftermath of the moral failure of a Christian leader is the temptation to give in to our own temptations. This may be especially true if the leader chose to give into the very temptations you are trying to fight. Maybe you used his teachings as an encouragement to pursue holiness, sexual purity, sobriety, or full surrender. Regardless of the leader’s decision to give in to his or her sin, holiness, sexual purity, sobriety, and full surrender are important pursuits. Do your best to live for Jesus, walk in humility, and do what is right. Don’t let bitterness lead you into sin.

Give yourself time. You may find yourself walking through the seven stages of the grief cycle – shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. Not everyone experiences all seven stages, and they aren’t necessarily linear. This is where a trusted friend and/or professional can help you. Keep in mind that your healing must be separate from the response of the perpetrator and independent from the response and actions of the organization. On a human level, their repentance and amends could potentially make our healing easier, but it isn’t essential. Sometimes perpetrators aren’t repentant and organizations don’t always do the right thing. Our healing does not come from the repentance of those who wounded us. Our healing comes from the Lord as we open our hearts to Him. Open your heart to the Lord and bring your pain to Him. He came to heal the broken hearted and set the captive free (Luke 4:18). He came to heal you.

Finally, resolve that no matter what anyone else does, you are going to seek God’s grace to love and follow Him with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength (Luke 10:27). Continue to develop a deeper relationship with Christ and walk towards your calling. He will complete the good work that He started in you.

This article only scratches the surface of the emotional toll and the healing process when we are wounded by a trusted leader. You can read more articles about healing from spiritual abuse and sexual abuse at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.

Photo of woman courtesy of Kevin Turcios via www.unsplash.com. Photo of man surveying tornado damage courtesy of Chandler Cruttenden via www.unsplash.com.
© 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

But I'm not who I used to be...

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

What’s more, I am changing your name. It will no longer be Abram. Instead, you will be called Abraham, for you will be the father of many nations.

Genesis 17:5 NLT

There are times in Scripture when the Lord changes people’s names to reflect the work He is doing in their hearts. Their new name reflects their new identity. Sarai became Sarah. Jacob became Israel. Saul became Paul. There are others. These new names are a practical application of 2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” If you are in Christ, this includes you. You are a new creation. You have a new identity.

Walking this out is a process. There is tension as we live in the reality of justification, having the full righteousness of Christ applied to us through the grace and mercy of God, while living in the process of sanctification, experiencing the transformation process step by step in our lives. God no longer sees us as who we were. He sees us as He created us to be in Christ. I frequently tell my clients that our “old man”, our old sinful nature, has been crucified with Christ [Romans 6:6]; but he happens to be lying around the living room stinking the place up from time to time. Sometimes our old nature slips out and we end up acting or responding like we did in the past. This doesn’t negate the fact that we have the full righteousness of Christ. It doesn’t negate the fact that we are truly a new creation and that the old nature is gone by divine decree. However, it does illustrate the fact that sanctification is a process, and that we are learning to express our new nature more each day as we follow Christ.

One of the many challenges that many of us face in our recovery are the times when those close to us, those we hurt in the past, may continue to identify us by our old identity. It’s hard for them to see us as a new creation if they’re still recovering from the wounds we’ve inflicted on them. They may be afraid to drop their guard and trust that we are different out of fear that we will hurt them again. Sometimes we remind them of who we used to be just by being around them. It’s complicated.

During those times when people around us seem to identify us by our old name and nature, we need to remember to exercise patience and offer grace. Grace to those who were negatively affected by our behavior in the past. Grace to those who hold our old nature against us. And grace to ourselves as we continue our recovery and grow into our true identity in Christ. During those times it’s easy to get frustrated. We may even ponder giving up. Don’t. Take some time to step back and remind yourself of the new identity you have in Christ. Continue growing into the fullness of who God declares you to be. It is a process. May the Holy Spirit give you much grace in that process.

Photo of butterflies used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

What Should I Do About My Regrets?

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.
Romans 7:24-8:2 NIV

Many people say, “Live life with no regrets”. To a large degree I agree with this sentiment. We should live our lives for Christ and our behaviors and attitudes should be clear evidence of the transformational power of Jesus Christ working in our lives. However, if we’re honest with ourselves, none of us have lived our entire lives as a reflection of God’s glory. We’ve all made mistakes. We all have regrets.

We’ve all carved deep ruts in our lives. As Christians, the good news is that some of those ruts are more like virtues than ruts. The moment we come to Christ, we should start establishing deep, godly habits and patterns of true Christlikeness. Essentially, good ruts… lifestyles… virtues… Unfortunately, we also have ruts that have derailed us and have become deeply entrench negative habits and patterns. By the time we get sick of some negative ruts, we may have lived far more years of our lives than we have left. We may or may not have time to undo all of the consequences of the negative ruts while we’re still here on earth. Even if we do, it’s going to take us a lot of years and a lot of hard work to get out of the ruts. The consequences may linger.

I was at the bedside of a close family member a while ago as she passed into eternity. She knew Jesus. She had some beautiful virtues beyond that which I can ever hope to possess. She had a very difficult life. She was very faithful in some of the huge trials that came her way. She also had many huge, challenging ruts. Some through no fault of her own. Others were built slowly through years by making poor decisions. They were deep. They were pretty evident. They made parts of her life extremely difficult. Through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ she is now resting in His arms, fully loved and fully forgiven. Her decades old ruts are now a thing of the past. She is now fully transformed.

Thinking about her life caused me to focus on some of my own ruts that I’ve been wrestling with for years. Today I’m still dealing with some of the negative patterns that were present all the way back to my childhood, and some that formed in my adolescence and early adulthood. When I gave my life to Jesus, He filled in some of those ruts supernaturally. Others, He allowed to remain. Some of the ones He left I tried to avoid. Others, I kept reinforcing even though I knew I shouldn’t. Years later, as the conviction and consequences became clearer, I began to repent and work to overcome those ruts. I’m not sure I have enough years left to fully overcome some of them this side of eternity.

These are the nations that the Lord left in the land to test those Israelites who had not experienced the wars of Canaan. He did this to teach warfare to generations of Israelites who had no experience in battle.
Judges 3:1-2 NLT

The consequences of ruts don’t usually go away overnight. Jesus takes some of the earthly consequences away, but He leaves just enough that I have to continue working to overcome the ruts. I don’t see Him leaving ruts and their effects as punishment. I see them as a wise and loving Savior teaching me things I refused to learn early on. I see Him empowering me to endure and walk through the natural consequences of my ruts, as he teaches me to lean on Him for wisdom and equipping. He leads us through the process of replacing the ruts with godly virtues. In this process, we grow deeper in relationship with our Heavenly Father, and the family of God that He sends to help us in our journey.

This gets us back to the thought of regrets. Even though I do believe that we should live our lives with no regrets. I also agree with something I heard on TV a few years ago. I forget exactly who said it, but when I heard the statement, “If you don’t have any regrets you haven’t learned anything”, something clicked in my heart. Yes. We should live our lives so that we don’t have any regrets, but none of us are perfect. We will make mistakes. That is what the cross is all about. It is during those times of true conviction, sometimes even realizing the consequences of our actions, that repentance happens and change occurs. We may regret the consequences of our actions and realize the cost of our poor decisions. That brings regret. Jesus is the one who can meet us in our regrets, cleanse us of our sin, and empower us to live differently.

Regrets can also inspire us to make amends; to apologize and try to correct our mistakes and heal the relationships with those we’ve hurt. As we think about reconciling our relationships, we need to proceed prayerfully, own our part of the situation, and allow the Lord to work in the hearts of those we apologize to. Sometimes the people we’ve offended aren’t in an emotional place for us to approach them. In cases like this, we need to prayerfully repent to the Lord and trust Him to work in their hearts in His timing.

But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
1 John 1:7-9 NLT

The statement, “If you don’t have any regrets you haven’t learned anything,” touched my heart in another way. I used to struggle intensely with condemnation. I knew cognitively that Jesus cleansed me of my sin and forgave me, yet I was struggling to forgive myself. That statement refocused my thoughts on the truth that regrets mean that we realized what we did was wrong and wish we would have done something different. Going forward, we can learn how to be different… how to be better. Instead of focusing on the failure and condemnation, we need to focus on the fact that we’ve been redeemed and are being transformed. The Holy Spirit is teaching us how to live life differently. Regrets and condemnation aren’t a virtue. They are a sign that we need to acknowledge our ruts, turn to Christ, and ask Him to change our hearts.

In times of temptation, the fallout that remains from our ruts can be learning tools and reminders that what we’ve done in the past didn’t work. That can help us avoid giving into temptation. In the areas where we’re still experiencing the consequences of our ruts, we can ask the Lord for the grace to deal with our thorn in the flesh… even if we’re the ones who willingly stepped on the thorn. He is gracious. He will give us the strength to live each day for Him. He will give us the grace to overcome our ruts and regrets and turn them into virtues.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
Philippians 1:6 NLT

Photo of man courtesy of Karabo Mdluli via www.unsplash.com. Photo of woman courtesy of Getty Images via www.unsplash.com. © 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

Loving Like Jesus

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:35 NIV

Love is important. In Matthew 22:36-40, Jesus tells us that the “first and greatest commandment” is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” He then tells us that the second commandment is to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Living a life of love is extremely important to God.

Oddly enough, even most non-Christians would agree that showing love is pretty important. Both Christians and non-Christians may have problems living it out, but we know we’re supposed to. What is true love? Popular culture says we should show love by accepting everyone just as they are and celebrate their worldview and self-proclaimed identity. Essentially, celebrating “their truth”, and erasing their need to surrender their heart, mind, and soul to Jesus. I agree that we need to love those God puts in our lives whether we agree with them or not, but is accepting a misguided worldview and celebrating an identity that God didn’t give them really love? We aren’t showing true love unless we’re loving like Jesus loves.

How does Jesus show love? John 6:37 NIV reads, “All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.” Jesus truly accepts everyone who comes to Him, right where they’re at. He accepted the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. He accepted the woman caught in adultery in John 8 with the precious words, “Neither do I condemn you.” Jesus loves sacrificially. John 15:13 tells us that “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Jesus showed His ultimate love for us when He willingly surrendered His life to those who would mock, torture, and murder Him. Jesus loves us enough to pay the ultimate price for our redemption and transformation. He truly accepts anyone who comes to Him, right where they’re at. Yet, He wants more for us. He wants our hearts. He wants our lives. He wants full surrender. He showed much grace and acceptance to the woman caught in adultery when he spoke the words, “Neither do I condemn you,” and yet He also said to her, “Leave your life of sin.” True love calls us out of sin, and into the fullness of what the Father has for us.

Jesus shows us our responsibility to surrender in John 14 as He tells the disciples that He will send them the Holy Spirit. First, He gives them the instructions, “If you love me, keep my commands. [14:15], and then He gives them the promise, “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever – the Spirit of truth.” [14:16-17a] After surrender comes the beautiful promise of the Holy Spirit, followed by Jesus’ deep expression of love and belonging as He shares with the disciples that He is the vine and they are the branches. [John 15:1-17] Jesus explains part of the transformation process, the “pruning” that comes with being a part of the vine. The promises of love and joy are wrapped up in calls to obedience and loving each other. He says in verse 14, “You are my friends if you do what I command.”

Obviously, this is a tall order. No one can keep God’s commands in their own strength. Jesus isn’t looking for Pharisaical legalism, He’s looking for a willing heart. He’s looking for those who will open their hearts to Him and allow Him to transform them into the sons and daughters of the Father that they were created to be. There is grace. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” [1 John 1:9 NIV] True love calls to us in our sin, accepts us, and calls us to forsake our sin. It empowers us to embrace our true identity in Him. Christ, who is true love, walked where we walk and understands us. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” [Hebrews 4:15-16 NIV] As we surrender to Him, He will complete the work that He has begun in our hearts. [Philippians 1:6]

Photo of man in blue shirt used under license with www.shutterstock.com. Photo of recovery meeting courtesy of Adrianna Geo via www.unsplash.com. © 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

My Broken Mess: A Life Changed through Living Waters

Rhonda Ross is a good friend of Reconciliation Ministries and has attended two sessions of Living Waters. Her testimony is shared with her permission in the hopes that it helps many receive healing from Jesus, the One who heals the brokenhearted.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Psalm 51:10,12 NIV

In March of 2022 after my first Living Waters attendance, I realized that after being a very active member of my local church for 52 years, that I was NOT OK. After decades of being crushed by sin and darkness of the world, I had come to a point where there was nowhere to turn but to God. Seeing beauty in brokenness was not something I could even understand. Psalm 51 tells us that we can ask God to create in us a new heart, and renew a steadfast spirit in us. The psalm also references that He can restore us to the joy of our salvation and grant us a willing spirit to sustain us. These verses are talking about a broken spirit. Even though the revelation that I was not ok made me feel defeated, I did know that He is always with me and could heal my heart.

What really stopped me in my tracks was that after Living Waters was over, I suddenly had the realization that I had a story that I didn’t realize was actually “keeping me” from a true healing of my emotions and blocking healing from childhood and adult trauma. I didn’t know I was broken. BUT I WAS BROKEN. God gently reached down and began to walk with me through my healing journey. I HAD TO DIE TO SELF in order to be spiritually fruitful.

Those of you that don’t know me let me just tell you in a capsulated form what brought me to my knees….

• Parental emotional abuse.

• Parents were emotionally unavailable.

• My father was unfaithful to my mom, multiple times in his life and my “little girl” image of my dad on a pedestal fell to the floor and broke.

• My mom lived a bitter life after that and made it very difficult to love her.

• My mother-in-law was verbally abusive to my husband and myself right up to her death.

• My husband had a disease called FAP which in layman’s terms means polyps that form in your entire intestinal system that have to be monitored and removed to avoid cancer. He had multiple life-threatening surgeries from as early as 1990. My youngest son was diagnosed at 17 years of age with the same thing as my husband. My son’s illness progressed twice as fast as my husband’s and he suffered many years from countless surgeries. His life choices were detrimental to his illness. He was not able to really grasp the severity of his choices and lacked the understanding of how seriously ill he was.

• In January of 2017 my youngest son passed away at the age of 32 from multiple complications. He died suddenly of cardiac arrest, pneumonia, and sepsis.

• After his brother’s death my oldest son struggled as he loved his brother dearly. So hard to lose your best friend (brother).

• In July of 2021 my husband of almost 41 years died after a prolonged battle with Leukemia.

I pushed all of this down emotionally and always had a quick answer to those who inquired and said “How are you?” I WAS ALWAYS FINE… NOT!

I came to a point where I physically, emotionally, and spiritually could no longer keep it inside. I began to trust Him to repair and restore me. To repair my broken heart. In sitting with Jesus and coming here to Living Waters I was able to pour out my pain and struggles. Jesus listened to every word. I also sought Godly counsel to help maneuver the many landmines I didn’t know were there. I am here today… No longer giving you the “pretend” me. I am in the process of true freedom for the first time in my life. I bring my brokenness to you being vulnerable so that you too can be encouraged that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

Jesus suffered heartbreak for my sake on the cross, I thank Him for His sacrifice and for loving me so much. He can make something beautiful out of our messes.

© 2023 Reconciliation Ministries. This article was printed with the express permission of Rhonda Ross.

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Lives Are Changed through the Living Waters Program.

Living Waters is a Christ-centered discipleship/ministry program for men and women seeking healing in areas of sexual and relational brokenness; including codependency, fear, shame, self-hatred, pornography addiction, sexual addiction, homosexuality, sexual ambivalence, emotional abuse, childhood sexual abuse, transgender issues, and difficulty in establishing and sustaining healthy relationships. Our next program is starting soon, call 586.739.5114 for more information.

Here are just two examples of the many participants who had their lives changed through the power of Jesus Christ in the Living Waters program. Their testimonies are published with their permission.

“More than anything else Living Waters has taught me that I am able to be brutally, completely honest with God and He will not reject me for it. God desires an intimate relationship with me because He created me and loves me. Despite all of my sin and flaws I do not need to hide from God.”

“When I signed up for Living Waters, I felt like I was a failure as a wife, mother, and human being. I was not respected by my family, nor by myself. The Living Waters focus was on being honest on many different topics, and was about healing me, not anyone else. In the process of healing me, I was and am blown away that my marriage is improving, and that my adult child who wanted nothing to do with me has said that she loves me.”

Photos used are courtesy of www.unsplash.com and are not the actual participants.

A Captive Set Free - Cassie Giroux

Cassie has been a valuable member of the Living Waters ministry team for many years.  She and her husband, Larry, serve on the Reconciliation Ministries Living Waters team, and coordinate a second Living Waters program near Oakland University. Cassie has experienced the depths of despair, and the great love of our Heavenly Father. Her life is a wonderful testimony of the grace, redemption, and transformational power of Jesus Christ. This article shares her personal experience as a human trafficking survivor, and her reaction to the movie, The Sound of Freedom.

“He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives.”

Luke 4:18b CSB

There was a strange quiet walking out of the movie, Sound of Freedom.  Fourteen of us from my family went and we are not usually quiet.  We drove several cars, but my ride home was marked by complete silence.  I am not sure what everyone was thinking.  I thought that the producers handled a devastating topic with prudence, while bringing stark awareness to an unknown reality that traps so many people.  I could not help but think back to when I was 15 years old and got sucked into the undercurrent of human trafficking.

My childhood home was a joyful place in many respects.  My stepdad married my mom just before I turned three.  She and I were baptized, which brought the happiness of faith, church attendance and regular prayer into my life.  Everything was better with my stepdad, except for the continued involvement with the sexual predators on my mom’s side of the family.       

My older sister said that the sexual abuse started for me when I was still in diapers.  She hid in fear of these relatives, but I sought them out.  I enjoyed the sexual attention, along with the cigarettes, drugs and alcohol that followed as I got a little older.  It was a double life for me early on, as I was drawn to this wickedness, while treasuring the good from my new dad.

They often said, “Don’t tell your mom or dad or they will kill me.”  It is cruel to burden a child with a violation and the task of protecting the violator.  This severed my heart from the love of my parents and my church, as I kept silent. 

By the time I was 12 years old, drug and alcohol abuse was a regular part of my life.  My parents left no stone unturned trying to find help for me.  At 14, they learned about a “treatment” center through a nearby church.  This church endorsement was what my parents needed to cement their trust.  They were unaware of the brutality and deceitfulness of those people.

I was taken 275 miles south to a warehouse.  I would spend over 100 hours a week locked in that building and several hours each night locked in a foster/host home.  Over the next 17 months I stayed at 27 different homes.

As a result of my first two escapes, I met men who offered shelter and understanding.  It was as if they waited in the downtown plaza to help kids like me.  This was my first introduction to sexual slavery and the making of violent porn.  The silence that had concealed the shock, pain, sorrow, and shame of sexual abuse remained.  On both occasions, I was arrested and returned to the torture of the warehouse.  The third escape would be my last.

Returning home was not an option, because my parents did not believe the many stories of abuse within the warehouse.   My travels covered 4,223 miles, in the dark underside of many cities where people are bought and sold.  I could not help but be grateful while watching Sound of Freedom that I was not a little child like those in the movie, but I have seen this on our own soil.  I have seen little children torn from their parents to satisfy sinful appetites and perversions.  Parents were taken to sweatshops or farms unless the mother could be used in other ways.

My heart breaks when reading the attacks on this movie, calling it a “conspiracy theory.”  How I wish that were true.  That my young life was only a bad dream, along with so many others.  People have told me as much.  I often wondered why no one came to help.  Why did these men, many of whom were husbands, fathers, and brothers, not offer help?  Why did they not call the authorities or ask where my parents were?  Instead, they took another piece of me away and returned to their lives.

One of my owners tried to explain this to me.  He wrote on my heart like it was a blank slate.  Some of the things that he said stayed with me for many years.  His lies “helped me” to make sense of things.  “You save marriages and protect young girls from sexual abuse because you are not a person.  If they did this to a real person, it would be wrong, but you are a machine made for sex.”  He also told me that I would never see my family again, never marry or have children, and that I would die young.  When I could no longer hide that I did in fact become a mother, the child in my womb was stomped by his boot heel.  My body had become a tomb.

As the hours and days passed, marked by disintegration and terrible aloneness, it felt as if I was getting farther and farther from home, and any hope of ever returning.  It seemed nothing was left of me to return home anyway.  I was a shell.  When I started out, I kept count of my sexual partners.  I am not sure why, but it seemed important.  I lost track in the 400’s when I realized that it did not matter; I did not matter.

Our Heavenly Father was not going to let the enemy have the last word in my heart.  “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18.

I was in Las Vegas, working long hours for gun toting thugs like those depicted in the movie, and God parted the waters for me.  The story of my escape will not fit in this article, but I declare that our God is faithful, true, and His love is powerful!  I returned to my family at 17 years old.  They did not send me back to the warehouse.  Several months later, my mom found a church with a 12-step recovery meeting, and I went.

Fast forward to 2012.  I was married for 26 years to a good man, the mother of 14 wonderful children, a grandmother, active in church, and 27 years clean and sober.  Something else happened that year; my stepdad adopted me.  I was 45 years old and was thankful for my new life.  Our generous Father let my heart be turned upside down until I could not take the pain anymore.  This all seemed so ridiculous, like I should be past this, stronger than this, not to mention grateful.  Somehow, God was calling me to bring Him my secret darkness and to receive my inheritance as His beloved daughter.

In my quiet search for the cheapest Christian counselor, I stumbled onto Dan Hitz at Reconciliation Ministries.  I was embarrassed even to call.  I thought this sort of thing demonstrated a lack of faith and a terrible character deficit.  Not the first time I was wrong, and I am sure it has not been the last. God’s loving hand was parting more waters, making way for more freedom. After about six sessions, Dan released me and recommended Living Waters. I was not sure about gathering and working with people from different churches, but I trusted Dan.  That was an act of God because I usually trusted no one.  I went through two sessions as a participant and then was invited onto their team.  I am still there, because there is nothing quite like the sound of chains breaking, The Sound of Freedom!

Words cannot express the change and healing that have come to my heart, and to my whole family.  God’s word, His power, and His love have taken on new meaning for me.  Very deep wounds have become trophies of grace.  He really is kind and merciful!

 "What I tell you in the dark, utter in the light; and what you hear whispered, proclaim upon the house tops."

Matthew 10:27 RSV

Cassie speaking at an overcoming Strongholds seminar in 2020.

When I think of my future, I think of the house top. I spent so many years identifying as a "freak of nature," and I am finished with enemy’s lies over my identity.  My heart breaks for others when I see this prison, the enemy narrative, stealing and destroying every good thing.  I will speak louder, I will speak the Word of God, the power of His love to change everything. Jesus purchased me with His blood, and I praise Him and thank Him, out loud with my eyes fixed on Him.

If you have been objectified and abused by human trafficking, there is freedom and restoration in Jesus.  His love can heal you and He uses the people who serve Him.  There are hotlines for current victims and help from law enforcement.  I was set free from the foul residue years later by the prayer ministry at Reconciliation Ministries and Desert Stream/Living Waters.  God has servants everywhere. Find Him, find them; find them, find Him. He has not forsaken you, He never will.

 “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

John 8:36 ESV

 If you or someone you love needs help, call the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888.373.7888, or visit them online at www.humantraffickinghotline.org.

You can also text 233733.

                    Photo of sad girl and woman on bed used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2023 Cassie Giroux. This article was printed with the express permission of Cassie Giroux.

at www.mendingthesoul.org. A workbook is available.

The Road Less Traveled

Tom and Donna Cole are co-directors of Pure Heart Ministries International. They have shared the message of God’s transforming love in over 43 nations. Tom started his ministry experience at Reconciliation Ministries and served as Executive Director from 1994 to 2003. They have four children and six grandchildren with another on the way!

And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Corinthians 6:11 NKJV 

My life would take a dramatic turn in November of 1986. Before that day I was a deeply broken and lost man. I had been actively involved in the gay community in Detroit for seven years. I had secretly been involved sexually for the 7 years before that. And I was miserable. I thought if I just embraced who I really was, and give myself fully to it, I would find true happiness and fulfillment. My friends and family that knew about my homosexuality embraced me and accepted me. But deep down I was suicidal and miserable. I drank and did drugs regularly. I kept searching for the right man to love. But in that search I became sexually addicted as well.

Then in November of 1986 I was introduced to Jesus Christ through the precious witness of a woman I worked with. I went to church with her and her family and gave my life to Christ at the end of the service. I knew I was different from that moment on. Shame was broken off as I realized Jesus forgave my sins. But that was just the beginning of my journey. I would spend the next 6 years dealing with the root issues of my same-sex attraction. I was saved, but Jesus is all about transforming us into His image. And that takes time. In the midst of this process I met and became best friends with Donna, a former lesbian. Two years into that process we both realized that we had fallen in love. We married on Christmas Day of 1988. Does marriage heal homosexuality? Not even close. We both were still very broken in our first years of marriage and much healing would still need to occur for us to walk in victory over our brokenness.

God is faithful. If we lean into Him, and trust His ways, He will bring about our transformation. It may not be in the timeline that we desire. But He will change us in so many ways. I leaned into God and recognized that I was a weak man. In my weakness God became my strength.  I did not overcome same sex issues in my own strength. I didn’t have strength to do anything. Slowly, but surely, I found my attractions diminishing. I began to see men the way God intended. I sought out deliverance, healing and godly counsel on this journey. I attended church services and worship nights. I read the Bible voraciously. I would spend hours in my room just worshipping Jesus. I built healthy friendships. I love that we get to partner with God in the process of sanctification! I also had to renew my mind. I had spent so many years focused on an unhealthy view of men. My mind was so polluted by my past. I memorized scriptures that dealt with temptation. I did deep studies in the Bible concerning His will for my sexuality. I read books and testimonies of others who had overcome. I joined with God in the process.

I honestly give all the glory and credit to God for the last 37 years of transformation. Is life hard sometimes? Absolutely! I’ve known grief intimately. I’ve battled temptation with God at my side. I’ve had conflict in my marriage, with my children and with friends. But I have always continued to lean into Christ through prayer, worship, solitude and through studying His word. I heard a worship song that said “If you don’t quit, you win”! Profound and true words! I think that is the key to true transformation.

My wife and I are coming to the Detroit area in July and will be sharing our testimonies at Great Lakes Church in Sterling Heights Sunday, July 23rd at 9:00 AM. Come and join us to hear us share our stories. We will also be doing a Pure Heart weekend conference July 28th and 29th in South Lyon. The weekend addresses the primary wounds we all have received in life. It’s a healing experience for everyone. This is not just about homosexuality. It’s for each and every one of us. Please come and join us, and bring a friend.

For more information about Pure Heart Ministries, visit them at www.pureheart.rest.

Photo of sunrise courtesy of www.unsplash.com.
Photo of Tom and Donna courtesy of www.pureheart.rest.

© 2023 Pure Heart Ministries.

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Tom and Donna Cole will be sharing their testimonies at Great Lakes Church on Sunday, July 23rd at 9:00 PM. They will also be doing a question and answer session at 6:00 PM. Great Lakes Church is located at 39051 Dodge Park Rd, Sterling Heights, MI 48313.

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Tom and Donna will be doing a Pure Heart weekend conference in South Lyon at The Barn on July 28th and 29th. The eight lessons of Pure Heart are based on the Beatitudes from the Gospel of Matthew. There will be worship, teaching and ministry times following. This is an experiential weekend. Come expecting to have God heal and transform your heart. Tom and Donna have ministered Pure Heart to many thousands of people. Testimonies continue to come in from many years ago that Pure Heart changed their lives and that they have had lasting change.  You can register online at https://www.pureheart.rest/events/july-23-24-2023-in-south-lyon. The exact address will be given when you register.

God Meant it for Good: A Lesson from Joseph

Craig is a licensed Minister of the Gospel in the International Fellowship of Christian Assemblies. He joined the ministry team of Reconciliation Ministries in 2023 as a ministerial caregiver and prayer minister. Craig’s passion for recovery ministry comes from his own process of healing from childhood neglect, emotional and sexual abuse, and relational challenges. He has experienced the Lord’s transforming power in his life and has a passion to help others grow in Christ and experience the healing that the Lord provides.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” – Genesis 50:20 NLT

As the youngest of 3 boys in an extremely dysfunctional and abusive home, I have always been the caretaker and the strong one. I started counseling people when I was in junior high and have taken care of hurting/needy people all of my life. It was easier to take care of others than to face my own life because when you are helping others, no one asks about you.

I had always been different growing up and my dad never accepted me. Anyone not like him was wrong.  He was an accountant and very logical and I was creative, sensitive and not the normal rough and tumble boy like my two older brothers. My dad was in his own world which consisted of work and having a “Better Homes & Garden” yard. This fit with the image that he wanted to have of us being the “perfect” family to all on the outside. My brothers and I were on our own to figure out life and how to not get dad angry. My oldest brother made the mistake of trying to get close to my dad, and we watched in horror as my dad emotionally destroyed him. Needless to say, being close with my dad was not an option for me. My mother was very stressed out with 3 boys very close in age and having no family support in raising us. When I was very young my mother had a nervous breakdown from the pressure of raising three boys and trying to be perfect enough to please my perfectionistic, workaholic, raging father. I learned at a very early age not to be a burden to anyone and not to need. My mom became completely depleted emotionally and started to turn in greater ways to me as the youngest and more sensitive child for her emotional needs, intimacy, and support. We had been enmeshed since I was born, but it became even more so now to the point where I had no identity of my own. In this I learned that I was not allowed to live, need, feel, or exist because I was there to meet her needs. Basically, I was a non-person. If I felt smothered or had any preferences to not be so close to her, I was wrong. I felt like a fly in the web of a spider who was trapped by the web and having my blood sucked out of me a little at a time. Some of the time the spider was kind and other times I could tell that it was killing me. I learned to suppress my hatred of my mom because how can you hate your mom especially when she is “Mother Teresa” to the rest of the world. She really was a great lady it was just that she was also very broken, and I was the one who bore the brunt of her brokenness. I was beginning to view “love” as something destructive because as I was to learn later, abusive people tend to tell their victims often that they love or care for them.

At age 10 a male member of the family started to molest me and this went on for 3½ to 4 years; this just about destroyed me. I didn’t know how to deal with the shame, confusion, and devastation, so I learned to shut down and become numb in order to cope. As I look back, I can see why the longer the abusive relationship lasts the more damage it causes. The reason being is that over time you become more and more dysfunctional as you try to cope with the on-going horribleness of it all. You start out in a shock and trauma phase and gradually adjust. I even got to the place of lying to myself that this was some kind of special relationship where he really cared about me. Needless to say, the damage was quite severe. I walked into junior high school while this was still going on and was immediately labeled as gay, because I was so confused, and treated as a leper. Most of my friends split and I was left to survive on my own. In an effort to try and make sense of everything that was happening to me, I turned to the world of make believe: the theatre. I could pretend to be someone else and that people liked me. I reached out for a male image to become and ended up with the male model image popularized at the time by “GQ” magazine. I grabbed onto this with all of my might and transformed myself into this image. I also lost myself in the theatre and the hope of being a star someday. The GQ image brought with it a lot of problems as men and some women started responding to the alluring person I had become. Being propositioned and made passes at become a normal thing, but it was very confusing for me. While I was still being abused by the male family member, I had become a Christian in 7th grade, but never allowed the Lord to do much in my heart because I didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t even discover the Bible until I started to go to a youth group in high school. I didn’t know what to do with all of the confusion in my life, so I buried it. My brother had introduced me to hardcore porn during the years of my molestation, so I went to the local bookstore and found a whole world of porn that I immersed myself into trying to deal with my pain and confusion. 

In college the propositions became more frequent and I immersed myself into helping others even more than before. During that time, I did grow a lot in my walk with the Lord, but I still did not know what to do with all the struggles I was having or my confusing life. After college, I started out in ministry and swore off dating since I always ended up in abusive/destructive relationships; this became one more step to lose myself in ministry and forget even having a life or needs of my own. The unfortunate consequence of these decisions was my own near total nervous breakdown at age 30, when the Lord clearly ordered me to get out of ministry. It took almost ten years to recover from this as I worked hard to carve out a new career in the secular work force. With the Lord’s help I was able to work more than ten years in the human resource field; furthermore, after many years of working through forgiving my father, I even became an accountant myself and could embrace the talents that I had inherited from him.

Over the years, I tried everything I could think of to get some help: counselors, pastors, and books. While I learned many facts and information about my struggles, I really didn’t receive any healing. A friend of mine told me about Living Waters and I will admit that I didn’t have much hope that the program would do anything for me. I cried my way through my first Living Waters program in 2002. For the first time someone was speaking right to me and the Lord was giving me some hope for change. During Living Waters, bondages were broken, walls started to come down and many years of pain were beginning to be removed. After my initial session, I continued in Living Waters as a leader in training and then as a leader. The Lord has done a great work in my life through my years of involvement in the Living Waters program and through inner healing prayer. The Lord has healed my fractionalized identity and helped me accept who I was created to be. He also healed my broken heart and taught me how to forgive.

Previously, living as a victim who was not allowed to need, feel, or exist, I would draw people to me that wanted one-sided relationships: I being the giver and they being the taker. I also seemed to have a sign over my head that drew abusers. As I have come to life through the Lord’s healing, I now can feel, have preferences, and desire two-way relationships. Where I once was content to just listen to endless monologues, I now want to have two-way discussion; this is not to say that there isn’t a time and place where friends need to dump or get something off of their chest, but this should not be the normal mode in a friendship. I also can see the abusers a mile away and can run because I no longer feel worthless and deserving of bad treatment.

I used to hide from my pain and background by filling my life with other people’s needs. This was safer for me because my emotional energy was channeled outward and I could ignore my inner struggles. I became addicted to the feelings that came from helping others and it was like a drug that made me feel good about myself. The more I helped people, the better I felt, so it became quite a cycle until I crashed. Now I no longer need to help others to feel good about myself or to ignore the things in my life because the Lord has healed me and helps me address the things going on in my life. Today, I am developing disciples, doing some prayer ministry and ministerial care for Reconciliation Ministries, and making my way back into full-time ministry as a planter of house churches. As I move back into ministry this time, the Lord has taught me a great deal about having a balanced life. It is okay for me to have a life and be alive and enjoy having friends. I am no longer hiding from my background and pain through helping others. He has healed me and I am ready to give again using my God given gifts as they were intended to be used. It is not God’s desire to use me as my abusers did and chew me up and spit me out when He is done. The Lord desires to work through my life to help others, and He also desires to have relationship with me.

Craig is licensed as a Minister of the Gospel. He provides ministerial care and prayer ministry. If you would like to schedule an appointment with him, call 586.739.5114.

Photos used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

A Chapter from My Book

Joan Webb is a valuable member of the Reconciliation Ministries leadership team, where she serves as a Mental Health Coach, Prayer Minister, Living Waters Coordinator, and much more. She joined the leadership team in 2006. Her passion for this ministry work has come from her own process of healing from childhood emotional neglect, domestic violence, sexual assault and relational challenges. Her understanding of dependency on the Lord to heal the deep wounds of this life is the foundational message Joan brings to those seeking help and hope.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

Our lives are like a book being written over time; chapter upon chapter until the last chapter and THE END.  If I can simplify how it’s like a book (or a movie), there’s a thesis, a body and a conclusion.  Ah, but there’s so much within it’s pages (or script)!  It has themes that run through it, a protagonist, an antagonist and many contributing characters.  Sometimes the Lord invites me to examine or explore chapters in my life…the past and those currently being written.  I’ve learned He’s at the center of my growing story; He’s the author and perfector of my faith!   The Lord reveals the relationship with His created people so well in Psalm 139: 2-6; 15-16 ESV.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.  You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it…My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

These words catapulted my healing journey forward, leaping off the page and leaving me undone.  They still do.

I can look back and remember with clarity how the Lord moved in one of the most difficult chapters of my life.  The assaults to my heart, mind and soul were relentless; I could not see what needed care in the moment, let alone the care needed from my past.  It was all in my “safe box” where I learned to keep all the pain.  In my Heavenly Father’s providence and mercy, He allowed the “safe box” to overflow over time and to finally blow its lid.  A kindness.

I met one of my dearest friends at a ministry event.  I realized how the Lord brings people together in providential ways.  As our friendship grew in Christian intimacy, I began to share many of the sources of pain I carried.   I shared how I had experienced PTSD episodes on a few occasions (evidence my “safe box” lid was malfunctioning).  I felt intense humiliation when the “I’m fine” exterior strength clashed with the reality of weakness as I was hyperventilating, sobbing and re-living past violence on the floor of a restaurant restroom.  An uninvited trigger took me to past chapters against my will.  I’m not a fan of re-runs.  It happened after multiple deaths in a short amount of time:  my grandpa (heart failure), my uncle (cancer), my mom (cancer), my friend from small group (lung/heart transplant), my friend from church (epilepsy), my close neighbor (suicide), a husband and wife in an accountability group (homicide/suicide) and my cousin (overdose).  All this grief, along with other relational challenges, left my traumatized soul on overload.  My friend suggested I attend a program called Living Waters.  At the time I was just going through the motions of everyday life.  Short of the occasional PTSD episode, I thought I was managing my life responsibilities and relationships pretty well.  She saw needs I couldn’t see through my survival lenses.  She persisted in her invitations…gentle, loving and accepting for four years!  I finally attended Living Waters in 2006.

My first year as a participant opened my eyes to the truth that I really did matter; I never really thought much about my worth.  I existed, I contributed, I was nice enough, I loved the best I could…was there more?   The intriguing part of the Living Waters journey was the balance between growing in the truth that I was a good gift, and simultaneously discovering the depth of my many weak and broken parts needing God’s merciful forgiveness.  Out of my pain and gaping wounds, I learned to live less than the good my Creator intended.   To admit that out of my fear, illegitimate coping and tendency to self-protect, my reactions were just as offensive as what was done to me.  My heart was divided; bitterness, hatred and anger toward my wounders, yet love for Jesus and His people.  I learned I could not serve two masters.  I was challenged as the hard edges were painfully exposed and chiseled away.   Hebrews 4:12b-13 often convicted me; describing the word of God it says, “it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give an account.”  Clean up on aisle ME was needed.  I didn’t open my clenched fists so easily, but once I took that courageous step it was like the floodgates of freedom opened up!  Pain brought me to my knees, and for once they truly bent before the cross.  That changed everything. 

In my current chapter, I have plenty of opportunities to apply what the Lord has shown me and continues to show me.  I don’t keep these life changing revelations to myself; gifts from God are always meant to be shared.  I keep my heart and mind open to other contributing characters willing to share what I still need.  The antagonist of my soul has not yet been written off.  The developing thesis is dependency on my Heavenly Father.  I long for the concluding paragraph to include, “well done, good and faithful servant.”

Joan is a Certified Mental Health Coach and a Prayer Minister. If you would like to schedule an appointment with her, call 248.956.0265.

Photos of writing and prayer courtesy of www.unsplash.com.

© 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

Jesus Heals the Brokenhearted: Empowered through Relationship

This newsletter is based on a teaching Dan Hitz presented at New Hope Assembly of God in Taylor, Michigan on March 5, 2023. Dan is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.”

Luke 4:18-19 NKJV

Jesus was reading from the book of Isaiah in Luke 4:18-19 when He proclaimed that He has come to heal the brokenhearted. Those verses are among my favorite in Scripture. In the original language, the term “brokenhearted” means shards of glass as if you broke a mirror. That’s what many of our hearts are like – jagged shards of glass. Jesus came to heal our shattered hearts.

Dan at about five years old

I had a lot of shards of glass in my heart when I came to Christ in 1984. I was born to a paranoid schizophrenic mother who molested me before I entered kindergarten. The abuse started up again in middle school and lasted until early high school. My dad was a nice guy in general, but I shut my heart off to him when he was having a rough day and scolded me for asking too many questions. Since I shut my heart off from him, I couldn’t receive the masculine infilling that fathers are meant to give to their sons. That left me vulnerable to an older boy who abused me when I was about five or six. He made it fun at first. When he wanted me to do things I didn’t want to do, it turned coercive and shaming. I was raised in the church. It was confusing when what was talked about at church didn’t match up with what was going on at home. I knew right from wrong. In middle school, I realized that I liked the boys more than the girls. That was a problem. The abuse from my mother was threatening and aggressive. I wanted to have a normal family, but I was afraid of women. My high school and college years were full of dual attractions. I tried to have a girlfriend, but I wanted a boyfriend more. I desperately wanted a male to fill the huge masculine void I had in my heart. That didn’t work. Eventually I became bulimic. I couldn’t eat enough to fill up the void. Sexual encounters with men couldn’t fill up the void. I was truly empty.

When I got saved in 1984 the bulimia fell away instantly. Jesus began to fill the void. I didn’t need to binge anymore. I was excited and thought that the homosexual attractions that I loved and hated would instantly go away too. I was full of shame and condemnation when they didn’t. Jesus did indeed come to heal my broken heart, but He does things His way not ours. He calmed my fear of women enough to bring me a beautiful wife. She is still my wife today, some 38 years later, but even marriage doesn’t cure same-sex attraction. Only Jesus heals the brokenhearted. After about 15 years of trying to fix myself my way, I finally surrendered to God and asked Him to do whatever it took to heal my heart His way. That was the beginning of a challenging journey of recovery. A journey of learning more and more about God the Father’s heart, Jesus my Savior, and the Holy Spirit who leads me to all truth. The more I open my heart and surrender to the Lord, the more He transforms me into His image. He continues to empower me to stand as the redeemed man of God that He knit together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Her mental illness and demonic oppression couldn’t destroy the Lord’s plan for my life.

God could have taken my homosexual attractions away instantly, but He wanted to teach me to be completely dependent upon Him. He wanted to teach me to “ fight the good fight for the true faith.” (1 Timothy 6:12 NLT) This seems to be His way. As revivals are popping up around the world, there will be some who will be instantly delivered from sins that have defeated them for years. There will be many more who will enter into the battle of Judges 3:1-2 NLT, “1 These are the nations that the Lord left in the land to test those Israelites who had not experienced the wars of Canaan. 2 He did this to teach warfare to generations of Israelites who had no experience in battle.” When we’re surrendered to sin, we aren’t fighting. The Lord specifically left some enemies in the Promised Land in order to teach those who had not formerly fought any battles, how to fight. It seems He also leaves enemies in our Promised Land to teach us to fight. The only way to be successful in the battle is to know the heart of the Father. The only way to know the heart of the Father is through relationship.

The idea that homosexuality or transgender identities are sinful isn’t very popular in our culture today. Unfortunately, it isn’t popular in many Christian denominations either. Jesus was pretty clear about God’s design for sexuality. “‘Haven’t you read the Scriptures?’ Jesus replied. ‘They record that from the beginning “God made them male and female.”’ And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. ’” (Matthew 19:4-5 NIV) God ordains physical sexual expression to be exercised solely within the marriage covenant between one biologically born male and one biologically born female. He created us as male and female, not non-binary, gender fluid, or transgender. There are some people who have ambiguous genitalia or chromosomal abnormalities; however, these are scientifically verifiable and observable anomalies. They are not subjectively determined through emotional perception.

Many LGBTQ advocates will claim that homosexual attractions and transgender identities are biologically fixed and unchangeable. They claim that if we try to get counseling to change our orientation or to embrace our birth gender, we’ll become suicidal. That isn’t what the research shows. Multiple peer reviewed studies report the opposite. A study conducted by Joseph Nicolosi and others in 2000 found that even those who didn’t experience a significant shift in their sexual attractions reported improvement in their emotional well-being.1 Jay Greene, Ph.D., senior research fellow in the Heritage Foundation’s Center for Education Policy, found that transgender affirming treatments actually increase suicide risk. 2 You can read more about what research shows regarding change allowing therapy for unwanted same-sex attraction and gender confusion online at https://recmin.org/s/Research-for-SSA-and-GD-221202.pdf in the article “What Does Research Conclude About Counseling for Unwanted Same-Sex Attraction and Gender Dysphoria?”

The Bible gives us hope for transformation in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 NLT:

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 NLT 9 Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, 10 or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. 11 Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

What does the journey out of sexual brokenness and into sexual wholeness look like? My own journey has led me through several seasons of Living Waters, professional therapy, and countless hours of prayer ministry. It requires us to open our hearts to the Lord and safe others and be honest about our desires, our wounds, our sins. It requires us to deny our flesh, take up our cross, and follow Jesus (Matthew 16:24). Denying ourselves – our fleshly desires – isn’t easy. That is one of the many places where we learn to fight. It is one of the many places where we need to accept the Lord’s invitation in Isaiah 1:18 NKJV, “‘Come now, and let us reason together,’ says the Lord, ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool.’” Reasoning implies disagreement, or at least a debate of ideas. When we are tempted, emotionally distraught, or struggling in the battle, the Lord invites us to reason with Him. He wants to hear our heart. He wants relationship. He ties that time of reasoning to our victory in the battle over sin. Relationship with Him transforms hearts that are stained like scarlet into hearts that are purified as new fallen snow.

dan receiving prayer at the leaders’ day during restored hope network’s HOPE 2022 conference.

The battle is won through relationship with the Lord. Sometimes that relationship occurs as we meet with Him one on one. Other times, our relationship with the Lord is developed as He meets us through His body – through other Christian brothers and sisters. The thought of honest, vulnerable relationship can be frightening to those of us who have been abused in relationship. That’s one of the areas where we may need to reason with the Lord and ask Him to help us know who to trust, and how to trust. We are wounded in relationship, and the Lord brings us healing in relationship. That’s Jesus’ heart for those who follow Him. Towards the end of His earthly ministry, He gave us a new commandment, “‘Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.’” (John 13:34-35 NLT) Learning to love and trust others takes work. Often, it’s part of the battle. It takes relationship with the Father to learn to trust, forgive, and love.

The Lord has brought me a lot of healing through my individual prayer times with Him; yet, He has brought me far more healing as He flows through other imperfect people in the Body of Christ. He has brought healing from the father wound through the older men in the church who have spoken into my life. He has brought healing from sexual abuse through safe men and women who have sat with me in the pain of the abuse and walked with me to Jesus. He has healed me from the mother wound through relationships with safe, godly women who prayed for me and spoke words of encouragement. None of these people brought healing through human effort. They were godly vessels who allowed the grace of God to flow through them. None of them were perfect. Neither am I. Sometimes we offend each other. As we learn to rely on God and walk in humility, we learn to work through our differences and forgive one another. That brings further healing and further victory. Victory through relationship.

Through the years, the shards of glass in my heart have become smoother. Many of the broken pieces have been joined back together. This is a lifelong process. Jesus has healed the wounds of abuse from my mother by meeting me in the memories – in the pain – and cleansing me with His blood. In one memory, I could see Him picking me up after the abuse and wrapping me in a white blanket. He held me lovingly and comforted me. In another memory, I felt like I could never be cleansed of the dirtiness of the abuse. The Lord moved in and I could feel the power of the Holy Spirit pushing the shame and dirtiness out of me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Years after my father passed away, the Lord helped me to open my heart back up to my dad, at least in my memories of him. He showed me ways that my father did reach out to me and speak truth and empowerment into my heart. The older I get, the more I appreciate my earthly father. The Lord has healed the pain of being abused by the older boy as He brings many safe men into my life that I can be honest and vulnerable with. These are godly men who know me in my strengths as well as my weaknesses. They don’t take advantage of my brokenness, but walk with me to Jesus where I can receive even more healing. The Lord has given me the family that I truly wanted deep down in my heart. My wife is my best friend. Our family has had its challenges through the years. We have had tragedy. We have had blessing. Through it all, my wife and I have walked to Jesus for His help. Rather than being defeated by the challenges of life, He has empowered us to stand strong in the battle and find our strength in Him. He continues to give us beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3). He truly does heal the brokenhearted.

Everyone’s healing journey is different. Some challenges may continue in your life that haven’t continued in mine, and vice versa. Whether the Lord calms the storms in your life, or walks with you in the raging storms, He is faithful. He will never give up on you. In the words of Philippians 1:6 NLT, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

If we at Reconciliation Ministries can help you in any way, call us at 586.739.5114. We offer biblically based professional therapy, prayer ministry, mental health coaching, and support groups to help you on your journey.

References:

1 Nicolosi, J., Byrd, A.D., and Potts, R.W. (2000) Retrospective self-reports of changes in homosexual orientation: A consumer survey of conversion therapy clients. Psychological Reports, 86, 1071-1088.

2 Green, Jay. (2022) Puberty Blockers, Cross-Sex Hormones, and Youth Suicide. The Heritage Foundation June 13, 2022. Retrieved from https://www.heritage.org/gender/report/puberty-blockers-cross-sex-hormones-and-youth-suicide on 12/19/2022.

Photo of broken mirror used under license with www.shutterstock.com. Photos of baptism and man in blue shirt courtesy of www.unsplash.com.

© 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

What Does Research Conclude About Counseling for Unwanted Same-Sex Attraction and Gender Dysphoria?

This newsletter is based on a workshop Dan Hitz and Jim Katsoudas presented at Restored Hope Network’s HOPE 2022 conference. Both Dan and Jim are licensed mental health counselors. A previous newsletter presented a clear understanding of what licensed therapy and pastoral care for unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion looks like, compared to the public narrative of “conversion therapy”.  This newsletter will explore what scientific research actually concludes about the validity of “change allowing therapy”.

Am I born this way? Can I really go from gay to straight? So many people say they are actually a male or female born into the wrong body. Are they wrong? Isn’t “conversion therapy” harmful? These are just a few of the many questions you’re hear as you interact with popular culture on the sensitive subject of sexuality, especially LGBTQ issues. This newsletter will explore what the scientific research actually concludes about efforts to overcome unwanted same-sex attraction or transgender identities. A full review of the research showing the validity of sexual orientation change efforts is beyond the scope of this newsletter. You can find many more articles and studies in the Journal of Human Sexuality published by the Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity at https://www.journalofhumansexuality.com/journals.

You’ve no doubt heard any efforts to change sexual orientation or gender identity is called “conversion therapy”. That term may even cause the hair on the back of your neck to stand up. Conversion therapy is a derogatory term coined by LGBTQ advocates to demonize any assistance to overcome unwanted homosexual attractions or gender confusion, whether it be from trained, licensed mental health care providers, pastoral caregivers, or peer support. The term is designed to create animosity between the church and non-church goers who don’t want to be converted through some type of coercion. It is also a guilt by association technique to falsely link harsh and abusive practices to those actually used by compassionate, skilled caregivers who function well within ethical, legal, and spiritual guidelines. The correct term for therapy to help someone overcome unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion is “change allowing therapy”. Change allowing therapy is also referred to as “sexual orientation change efforts” and “sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts”. You can read more about change allowing therapy in a previous newsletter article entitled, The Truth About Counseling”, at https://recmin.org/s/Truth-About-Counseling-220826.pdf.

 

As we explore what scientific research concludes about change allowing therapy, let’s begin by acknowledging the elephant in the room. All of the main secular therapeutic organizations claim that efforts to change sexual orientation or gender identity are harmful and cause depression, anxiety, and increased suicidal behavior. Most current research on LGBTQ issues is biased against efforts to change sexual orientation or gender identity.1 Researchers who publish results incompatible with the LGBTQ agenda are often ostracized. Such political pressure to support the LGBTQ community at the expense of valid science is nothing new. In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the diagnostic and statistical manual through a political move that ignored valid research.2 The APA task force on homosexuality deliberated for three years before finally pushing the voting to normalize homosexuality with a very small majority. Unfortunately, that task force was composed of only individuals in favor of normalizing homosexuality. The group consulted only homosexual activist groups and ignored anyone who disagreed with the pro-gay activists. Gay activists also began protesting other mental health groups during that time and harassing those who presented evidence that homosexuality is not a normal expression of human sexuality.2

Scientific research about LGBTQ issues continues to be politicized today. In June of 2020, John Blosnich, Emmitt Henderson, and others published an article entitled, Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Adverse Childhood Experiences, and Suicide Ideation and Attempt Among Sexual Minority Adults, in the American Journal of Public Health.3 In this article the researchers claimed a distinct link between change allowing therapy and suicidal thoughts and actions. They concluded, “Over the lifetime, sexual minorities who experienced SOCE [sexual orientation change efforts] reported a higher prevalence of suicidal ideation and attempts than did sexual minorities who did not experience SOCE.” Blosnich and Henderson claimed that change allowing therapy is harmful and should be avoided while advocating for affirming therapy. In an article on the Christian Medical and Dental Association website, Dr. Andre Van Mol noted that he and other researchers examined Blosnich and Henderson’s own research findings of what the original researchers called the “strongest representative sample to date of sexual minority persons” and noted several erroneous conclusions in their research.4 Van Mol pointed out that Blosnich and Henderson did not identify when the study participants experienced suicidal thoughts and behaviors, compared to when the engaged in change allowing therapy. In other words, the researchers did not admit that the suicidal thoughts and behaviors primarily occurred prior to change allowing therapy. When Van Mol and his colleagues examined Blosnich and Henderson’s own data, they discovered that change allowing therapy actually reduced suicidal thoughts and behaviors. After accurately reviewing the research, Van Mol writes, “SOCE strongly reduced suicidal ideation, planning and attempts, with even stronger effects for adults experiencing SOCE compared with minors doing the same.”

What about the claims that we are born gay, and that sexual orientation is immutable? Interestingly enough, research from both gay affirming therapists and change allowing therapist shows that sexual orientation is fluid and can change. Dr. Lisa Diamond, a feminist and affirming psychologist, studied 100 women for over ten years and presents the results in her book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire.5 She documents the fluidity of the women’s attractions as they shift back and forth from men, to women, and back again. Interestingly enough, Diamond is pro-gay and believes that “conversion therapy cannot change sexual attraction”;6 however, she clearly concludes that orientation can change. She does not subscribe to the “born gay” theory. It is difficult to understand how Diamond can believe that sexuality is fluid, yet does not believe that people should be free to pursue change allowing therapy if they don’t wish to embrace their same-sex attractions. It seems the politicization of sexuality continues.

The late Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a prominent change allowing therapist, published his research team’s findings in the journal, Psychological Reports, showing that ethical treatment was successful in decreasing unwanted same-sex desires. Among his findings are the following statistics:

…surveyed 850 individuals and 200 therapists and counselors – specifically seeking out individuals who claim to have made a degree of change in sexual orientation. Before counseling or therapy, 68% of respondents perceived themselves as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual, with another 22% stating they were more homosexual than heterosexual. After treatment only 13% perceived themselves as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual, while 33% described themselves as either exclusively or almost entirely heterosexual, 99% of respondents said they now believe treatment to change homosexuality can be effective and valuable.7

It is notable that the percentage of participants identifying as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual dropped from 68% to only 13% after treatment. It is also interesting to note that 99% of the respondents stated that “they now believe treatment to change homosexuality can be effective and valuable”.7 This includes many of the 13% who reported little change after treatment. Nicolosi’s work is one of many studies that show that change allowing therapy is safe and effective.

The research is even more startling when we look at transgender issues. Parents are told, “It’s better to have a live daughter, than a dead son when they resist embracing their son’s new transgender identity. They are told that they must embrace their son’s identity as a female or they will drive him to suicide. Are affirmed transgender individuals really less likely to have suicidal thoughts or actions than those who are not encouraged to embrace their transgender feelings? According to Jay Greene, Ph.D., senior research fellow in the Heritage Foundation’s Center for Education Policy, “Lowering legal barriers to make it easier for minors to undergo cross-sex medical interventions without parental consent does not reduce suicide rates—in fact, it likely leads to higher rates of suicide among young people in states that adopt these changes.”8 Greene writes that research showing that gender-affirming treatments prevent suicide is poorly conducted, while better research methods actually show an increased suicide risk.8

Multiple research studies indicate that the vast majority of prepubescent children who identify as transgender will grow up to embrace their birth gender without counseling or direct intervention.9 The Institute for Research and Evaluation released an article entitled Transgender Research: Five Things Every Parent and Policy-Maker Should Know, in which they evaluated multiple studies on transgender issues. When addressing the fact that most prepubescent children grow to embrace their biological gender, they write:

There is strong evidence showing that the vast majority of children (averaging about 85%) who experience gender dysphoria will resolve their gender identity confusion and accept their biological sex by the time they reach young adulthood, that is, if they are not subjected to “social transition” or cross-sex medical intervention. But for those who are the subject of early transition efforts, the large majority will most likely persist in a “trans” identity. (“Social transition” refers to cross-sex dressing and social reinforcement of a transgender identity for children by adults.)10

The Christian Medical and Dental Association acknowledges that there are higher incidents of mental health disorders among transgender individuals such as “depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, and risky sexual behaviors in comparison to the general population”; however, they cite multiple research studies to support their conclusion that “these mental health co-morbidities have been shown to predate transgender identification.”11 They write, “Although current medical evidence is incomplete and open to various interpretations, some studies suggest that surgical alteration of sex characteristics has uncertain and potentially harmful psychological effects and can mask or exacerbate deeper psychological problems.”11 With this in mind, it is far better to treat the psychological roots of gender dysphoria than to promote a physiological mask.

What about the long-term effects of gender affirmation surgery? Walt Heyer is a post-operative, former trans female, who has detransitioned back to his birth gender. He helps men and women who are experiencing sex change regret. Heyer notes that most transgenders find relief in the initial stages of their transition; however, sex change regret surfaces five to ten years after gender affirmation surgery.12 Heyer cites a Swedish study which found that the suicide rate of post-operative transgenders is 19 times that of non-transgender peers, and higher than those identifying as transgender who did not transition surgically.12 Gender reassignment surgery is not the answer to preventing suicide among those struggling with gender dysphoria.

This newsletter has only looked at the tip of the iceberg in terms of research on homosexuality and transgender issues. What is the answer for those who are struggling with unwanted same-sex attraction or transgender feelings? Is there any hope at all for recovery and transformation? Yes! There are both Christian and secular organizations that exist to help people overcome unwanted homosexual and transgender identities. Change is a process. Transformation isn’t easy. You will need someone to walk with you and provide encouragement, accountability, correction, and strength. Below is just a small list of organizations that can help you in your healing journey. There are many more. These organizations can assist you in connecting to local resources in your area.

Restored Hope Network – www.restoredhopenetwork.org

Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity - www.therapeuticchoice.com

Changed Movement – www.changedmovement.com

Desert Stream Ministries – www.desertstream.org

Help for Families – www.help4families.org

Reintegrative Therapy – www.reintegrativetherapy.com   

Pure Passion Media – www.purepassion.us

Additional scientific research articles are available at these websites.

Restored Hope Network – www.restoredhopenetwork.org

Journal of Human Sexuality – www.journalofhumansexuality.com/journals

Institute for Research & Evaluation – www.institute-research.com Christian Medical and Dental Association – www.cmda.org/policy-issues-home/position-statements/

Resources

1 Regnerus, Mark. (2019) Does “Conversion Therapy” Hurt People Who Identify as Transgender? The New JAMA Psychiatry Study Cannot Tell Us. Public Discourse. The Withersppon Institute. Retrieved from https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2019/09/57145/ on 12/19/2022.

2 Clowes, Brian. (2020) The Homosexuals’ American Psychological Association Coup. Human Life International. Retrieved from https://www.hli.org/resources/apa-on-homosexuality/ on 12/18/2022.

3 Blosnich, John R; Henderson, Emmett R; et al. (2020) Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Adverse Childhood Experiences, and Suicide Ideation and Attempt Among Sexual Minority Adults, United States, 2016-2018, American Journal of Public Health, 110, no. 7, July 1, 2020. Abstract retrieved from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32437277/ on 12/18/2022.

4 Van Mol, Adre. (2021) SOCE Reduces Suicidality in a New Study. Christian Medical and Dental Association. Retrieved from https://cmda.org/soce-reduces-suicidality-in-a-new-study/ on 11/29/2022.

5 Diamon, Lisa. (2009) Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Harvard University Press.

6 LGBT Science. Truth Wins Out. 29 October 2013. Retrieved 20 April 2015. Quoted from Wikipedia article retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lisa_M._Diamond on 12/18/2022.

7 Nicolosi, J., Byrd, A.D., and Potts, R.W. (2000) Retrospective self-reports of changes in homosexual orientation: A consumer survey of conversion therapy clients. Psychological Reports, 86, 1071-1088.

8 Green, Jay. (2022) Puberty Blockers, Cross-Sex Hormones, and Youth Suicide. The Heritage Foundation June 13, 2022. Retrieved from https://www.heritage.org/gender/report/puberty-blockers-cross-sex-hormones-and-youth-suicide on 12/19/2022.

9 Cantor, James. How Many Transgender Kids Grow Up to Stay Trans? PsyPost. Posted December 30, 2017. Retrieved from https://www.psypost.org/2017/12/many-transgender-kids-grow-stay-trans-50499 on 2/24/2019.

10 The Institute for Research & Evaluation. (2022) Transgender Research: Five Things Every Parent and Policy-Maker Should Know. Retrieved from https://www.institute-research.com/pdf/Transgender_Research--5_Questions_for_Parents_%26_Policymakers_%28IRE%209-26-22%29.pdf on 12/19/2022.

11 CMDA Ethics Statement: Transgender Identification. (2021) Christian Medical and Dental Association. Retrieved from https://app.box.com/shared/static/bjkazlu3pdqbq88dhfgpbttrhcspft6h.pdf on 12/19/2022.

12 Heyer, Walt. Trans Life Survivors. Self-published, Lexington, KY, 2018.

 Photos provided by www.unsplash.com. © 2022 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.

This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

Lives are Changed through Living Waters!

Living Waters is a Christ-centered discipleship/ministry program for men and women seeking healing in areas of sexual and relational brokenness; including pornography addiction, codependency, sexual addiction, homosexuality, sexual ambivalence, childhood sexual abuse, transgender issues, and difficulty in establishing and sustaining healthy relationships. Our next program is starting soon.

Here are some powerful testimonies from participants who had their lives changed through the power of Jesus Christ in the Living Waters program. They are used with the permission of the participants.

“I feel that Living Waters has set me on a trajectory that I have always wanted. I want to be ‘in love’ with God. My relationship with Him has greatly improved.”

A female participant.

“Living Waters has taught me that I can be truly honest with God in my prayer life. I don’t need to hide from Him because He already knows everything.”

A male participant.

 “The best part of Living Waters was the small group time. It was here that I felt fully known and fully loved by the other group members, and I felt comfortable sharing my story.”

A male participant.

Years… decades… of countless hurting and broken relationships forged my life. I grew up in a home where my entire youth constantly reinforced the short comings and failures of my character and capability. While in Living Waters I discovered for the first time in my life that I am a perfect creation of God. I have drawn closer to Jesus. I have a desire to know him. I thirst for his living water to know his life so I can forgive and use his word to be the person he created me to be.

A male participant.

The teachings are very relevant. The topics week after week reach different parts of our journeys. The whole program is anointed to reach the areas of our hearts that I don’t think we could reach on our own.

A female participant.

I’ve kind of done this life thing on my own. No one has really been there to stand up for me or protect me. Being in Living Waters and having the ladies in my small group call out the wrongs done to me and be angry about the injustice in my life helped me to see that Jesus saw it all and isn’t okay with it.

A female participant.

When your identity is stolen very early in life, you learn to survive in your environment anyway you can. Even as a believer your choices are twisted in the early lies of self, going down a road of anxiety, disappointment, disapproval and sin. The early wounds become buried in layers of pain and loneliness. Searching and searching for answers led to more pain and frustration.

I came to Living Waters broken, wounded and in a pain that would never stop. Slowly I began to understand my false images and let the anointed leaders at Living Waters work a miracle. I began to press into the resurrection power of Jesus, read the word, do my homework and let Jesus into the walls of self-protection where the pain lived. Layer by layer. I am believing and pressing into all God has for me. Letting go of the past and letting Jesus unfold my future. I thank Jesus for this journey of healing as only He can transform me. I have hope and faith to believe that my continued healing will come. I am drawn closer to His presence and more fully dependent on His provision. I will trust in Him as He establishes my steps.

A female participant.

For the longest time I thought that I needed to fix myself, but Living Waters taught me that I am okay – even loved – both by God and by other people. The small group time was transformative as it opened my eyes to the fact that I can be completely honest: fully known and still fully loved. I can be honest with God and I don’t need to clean up my act in order to approach Him or other people.

A male participant.

I would absolutely recommend Living Waters! I’ve briefly told a couple of friends about it and would love to see them take part someday! It has been such a blessing for me, sharing my story, having someone else say, “Yeah, me too, but here is how I am healing.”

A female participant.

“I would recommend Living Waters to others. I think this is the perfect place for people who wish to go deeper in their healing journey.”

A male participant.

If you or someone you love is struggling with sexual or relational difficulties, there is hope and healing through the power of Jesus Christ.  Call us and ask about attending the next Living Waters program. (586) 739-5114

The pictures used in this article are not the actual participants.

Photos acquired through www.unsplash.com.

© Reconciliation Ministries 2022.  This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as credit is given and no fee is charged.

The Truth About Counseling

This newsletter is based on a workshop Dan Hitz and Jim Katsoudas presented at Restored Hope Network’s HOPE 2022 conference. Both Dan and Jim are licensed mental health counselors. The goal of this newsletter is to provide a clear understanding of what licensed therapy and pastoral care for unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion looks like, compared to the public narrative of “conversion therapy”.  A future article will examine the validity of “change allowing therapy”.

www.shutterstock.com

What do you think about when you hear the phrase “conversion therapy”? Popular culture would have you believe that it involves coercive behavior towards someone struggling with LGBTQ issues in an effort to manipulatively convert them from gay to straight.  Add to that electric shock, nausea inducing drugs, and worse… Now you get the general public’s opinion of what happens when someone receives counseling for unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion. Sadly, gay-advocates have created the term “conversion therapy” to demonize any “change allowing therapy” whether it is from a licensed therapist, a pastoral care giver, or a compassionate peer support group. “Conversion therapy” is a straw man argument designed to spread angst among the unchurched population who doesn’t want to be converted through some type of religious crusade. It slanders and overly simplifies what godly caregivers do by implying that we forcefully try to “pray the gay away”. That’s not what we do.

What about the argument, “Once gay, always gay?” We’ll look more in-depth at the current peer reviewed scientific research in a future newsletter. There is ample evidence showing the fluidity of sexual attraction1 and that change allowing therapy actually works2. There is also plenty of evidence showing that even those who engaged in therapy but didn’t experience a significant change in their orientation reported decreased depression and decreased suicidal behavior after therapy3.

For today, let’s take a look at what the Bible says about transformation. The Bible offers clear proof that transformation is possible. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 [NLT] reads:

9 Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, 10 or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. 11 Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

This is irrefutable proof that homosexuality is just one of many behaviors that God identifies as sin and calls us to repent of. When we repent, He makes us right with Him. He cleanses us and makes us holy. That doesn’t mean that we won’t ever struggle with those temptations again. Jesus, Himself, was tempted. It doesn’t even mean that we won’t ever fall again. It does mean that we can repent of homosexuality, be made righteous in Christ, and begin the PROCESS of transformation. But what happens if we do sin again in our process of transformation? 1 John 2:1-2 [NIV] reads:

1My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. 2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

Receiving God’s provision of forgiveness for our sin doesn’t mean that we can continue willfully in our sin just because of his grace. As the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 6:1-2 [NLT] asking, “Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace?” His response was simple. “Of course not!” True grace shows us that God has mercy on us in our transformation process and works in our hearts to change our desires. Scripture has many examples of heroes of faith falling into sin and repenting4. As repentant followers of God, they never celebrated their sin. They certainly never took pride in their sin.

What about the “born this way” argument? Scripture makes it clear that we are all born dead in trespasses and sin and need to be born again.6 The truth is, no scientists have ever been able to prove a genetic cause to homosexuality. Even the American Psychiatric Association admits they do not know what causes homosexuality. In their document, Answers to Your Questions: For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality5, they write:

There is no consensus among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian orientation.  Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors. Many think that nature and nurture both play complex roles; most people experience little or no sense of choice about their sexual orientation.

What exactly is “change allowing therapy”? Such therapy or pastoral care may also be called “sexual orientation change efforts” or “sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts”. It should also be noted that there are both faith centered caregivers and secular caregivers who are skilled in helping men and women overcome unwanted LGBTQ desires. Efforts to overcome unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion may include simply talking to someone who understands the struggle. In addition to talking, the caregiver may use Christian disciplines like prayer, Bible study, discipleship, and mentoring. There are many wonderful resources from men and women who are themselves overcomers and share many practical insights into the transformation process. The caregiver may teach the overcomer about boundaries, accountability, triggers, and coping skills. The caregiver may also help the client explore childhood trauma and life experiences that are contributing to the overcomer’s unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion. For Christian caregivers, the most important aspect of the process will be to help the overcomer understand and live according to his true identity in Christ. Working with the caregiver is just one part of the transformation or recovery process. The overcomer can use many different resources to better understand himself, learn to manage temptation, and begin to practice healthier thought patterns and behaviors.

Pastoral caregiving and peer support may take place in more informal settings, while professional therapists will follow more formal, therapeutic guidelines. All compassionate care must follow “the client’s right to self-determination”, meaning that the client or ministry recipient is the one to set the goals for the care received. Change allowing caregivers are happy to work with anyone desiring to overcome LGBTQ issues. If someone wishes to embrace her LGBTQ desires, ethical therapists won’t try to coerce her to change. God, Himself, won’t violate our free will. In such a case, the caregiver would inform the client that it would violate the caregiver’s personal convictions to help her embrace LGBTQ desires and refer her to a caregiver who offers “affirming therapy”, or therapy that helps one embrace LGBTQ desires.

While the person receiving the care should be the one to set the goals for the care that he receives, some goals are helpful and some are not. This article will explore some of these goals from a Christian perspective. Many of these goals are also applicable to individuals who do not profess a faith in Christ, although the language and perspective may need to be modified to fit the worldview and vocabulary of the specific individual. Anyone receiving therapy will be more successful in their recovery if they have a set of clearly defined, appropriate goals. Of course, all compassionate care will include the exploration of coping skills, boundaries, accountability, social interaction, and life principles that help us resist temptation and experience transformation. While these are important ingredients in recovery, the most important work occurs deep in the heart.

The primary goal should be to live our lives surrendered to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and living according to our true identity in him. The primary goal should NOT be the total elimination of same sex attraction or gender confusion. This is true whether we experience a significant shift in our attractions or not. If our focus is on the elimination of all temptations, we will continually be frustrated. True inner peace comes from living one’s life surrendered to Jesus Christ, and receiving in him the love, strength and transformation that empowers us to live in authentic relationship with him. As we live for him, we become more like him. Jesus doesn’t take away temptation, he gives us the power to resist temptation. Jesus wasn’t defined by his temptations. Neither are we. We are defined by the Heavenly Father as cherished sons and daughters. We each have own unique set of strengths and weaknesses. In our submitted weakness, we are made strong in Christ (2 Corinthians 12:6-10).

Another healthy goal is the exploration of life experiences, unresolved trauma, and perceptions that may be contributing to unwanted same-sex attractions. We are a product of our perceptions and responses to our life experiences. Even though we may not be consciously aware of how these things have influenced our same-sex attraction or gender confusion, we live out those influences every day. They create behavior patterns, mindsets, and habits. Sexual brokenness and emotional challenges are the fruit of deeper emotional wounds in our heart. Understanding the root issues contributing to our unhealthy habits and mindsets can help us develop healthier thought patterns, coping skills, and life choices.

An extensive list of the benefits of change allowing therapy is beyond the scope of this newsletter, but here are some of the most common. Change allowing therapy speaks truth to the false narrative that one is trapped in homosexuality, lesbianism, or a transgender identity.  Change allowing therapy can help the individual align his sexuality with his faith. This brings a deeper understanding of one’s identity in Christ. He becomes better equipped to navigate through life’s challenges in fellowship with Christ and other believers. Exploring negative life experiences and perceptions contributing to unwanted same-sex attraction and gender confusion leads to resolution of inner conflict. Overcomers experience decreased depression, anxiety, shame, and reduced suicidal thoughts and behavior. Change allowing therapy can help strugglers who are engaging in dangerous, high risk sexual behavior avoid doing so. Change allowing therapy enhances the overcomer’s spiritual, social, physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing.

It is important to address some realistic expectations for anyone experiencing therapy of any type, and especially for those receiving therapy for unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion. Therapy to overcome any longstanding challenge and brokenness is hard work. Staying in our challenges and brokenness is hard work. True change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, and we become motivated to do the hard work of recovery. This is a process. The overcomer will not experience full victory a week from Tuesday. She will need help and encouragement to celebrate the small victories and recover from the setbacks that will occur on a long journey. This is where the church, discipleship, and bearing one another’s burdens comes in. The overcomer is surrendering a lot. Although sinful and broken, the LGBTQ community has also been a source of comfort, strength, and support. The overcomer will need the help of safe, trusted others in the Body of Christ who can love and support her as she yields that former way of life to the Lord.

It’s not realistic to expect that if we are fully engaged in recovery for our same-sex attraction, God will surely bring us a spouse of the opposite sex. They are two separate issues. Unfortunately, many have used marriage as a litmus test for victory. Marriage is very complicated. Not everyone is called to marriage. This includes those recovering from unwanted same-sex attraction and gender confusion, as well as those who have never struggled with their sexuality. Marriage is complicated. It doesn’t cure sexual or emotional brokenness. If marriage is one of your recovery goals, or a demand you place upon God, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I know many overcomers who are married, myself included. I also know many overcomers who are single and content. They are open to marriage if the Lord should ever bring the right person along, but it isn’t a demand. Married or not, the important thing is to place all of our emotional needs and desires in God’s hands and learn to receive our fulfillment from him. Along the way, he will help us learn to interact with others in the Body of Christ whom he can flow through to bless us and challenge us as we walk with him.

Whenever a new client comes into my office, I want to offer him realistic expectations. I explain that I still have some residual same-sex attractions, but that they are a fraction of what they used to be. They have gone from a place where they were debilitating, to a place where they are under my feet through the power of Jesus Christ. I have to keep my foot firmly planted and use the tools God has given me for victory. I practice accountability and boundaries. I continue to receive personal prayer ministry regularly. I explain the continuum of change. Some people have experienced a complete shift in their attractions and are no longer attracted to the same sex. Others have experienced little change in their attractions, but are continuing to yield those attractions to the cross. The reality is that most of us as overcomers are living in the middle of that continuum. We’ve experienced a shift in our attractions, but we still have to cope with some level of unwanted same-sex attraction. We are all a work on progress.

Temptations will still happen. The good news is that temptations can be yielded to Christ and used as an opportunity for deeper healing. (See the newsletter article “Praying Beyond the Temptations” at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.) Jesus was tempted while on this earth (Matthew 4:1-11). Luke 4:13 [NIV] reads, “When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him [Jesus] for a more opportune time.” One day this Scripture jumped off the page, and I realized that if Jesus had a more opportune – more vulnerable – time to be tempted, we surely will too. This truth helped set my heart at ease. Temptations are not sin. It’s what we do with them that matters. Temptations don’t define us! Jesus defines us!

Wherever we are along our journey, we can live a more fulfilled life with Jesus than we can live with sin. In Christ, we can grow in the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22-23a [NIV], “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” If you’re made it to the end of this article, you processed a lot of information. You may still have many questions about change allowing therapy. You may be wondering how you or someone you love can begin a healing journey. You may be wondering if you are ready to begin the journey, or if there is anyone who can help. We at Reconciliation Ministries are here to help. Yes, the journey is challenging, but the godly rewards along the way are amazing. You will learn more about yourself and the love the Heavenly Father has for you than you can ever imagine. The journey is worth it! For more information, call us at 586.739.5114, or visit us online at www.recmin.org. There is hope and healing in Jesus Christ.

1 Diamond, Dr. Lisa, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Harvard University Press. 2008.

2 https://www.journalofhumansexuality.com/journals

3 Nicolosi, J., Byrd, A.D., and Potts, R.W. (2000) Retrospective self-reports of changes in homosexual orientation: A consumer survey of conversion therapy clients. Psychological Reports, 86, 1071-1088.

4 Abraham, Isaac, David, Peter – add Scripture references

5 American Psychological Association.  Answers to Your Questions: For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality.  Washington, DC. 2008.  Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbtq/orientation on 5/30/2022.

6 John 3:1-21; Ephesians 2:1-5

Photo used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2022 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

When Healing Hurts: Ministering to Sex Trafficking Survivors

Katrina's Mission is about abolishing sex trafficking in the city of Detroit and restoring hope to survivors through the love of God. In this article, she shares insights about those who are trafficked, as well as some of the challenges survivors face in their recovery process. 

 The LORD builds up Jerusalem; He gathers the exiles of Israel, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:2-3 NIV

There are so many in this world who are hurting and broken. Each one of us goes through trials. While this is true, the path to healing is different based on the trauma that was endured. I have the privilege of helping to bring healing and wholeness to women that have been rescued from human trafficking.

Katrina and her team regularly minister to trafficking victims on the streets.

Before we get into the healing, I want to clear up a common misconception about human trafficking. In the four years that I have worked with survivors and listened to their stories I have never heard any of them say that they were abducted. Each woman that I have spoken to has had some type of “relationship” with their trafficker. Social media is typically the platform that the trafficker uses. In this day and age, we generally post everything about our lives. This is what the traffickers look for. They scour and search for the vulnerable. They will then befriend and earn their trust. The traffickers are very skilled at what they do. In only a matter of days they will have earned your trust, convinced you that they have a better life for you, and that they love you. This is one of the reasons that most women have a difficult time leaving and healing. They feel they made the initial choice to be with their trafficker, so now they deserve what they get.

The road to healing begins with breaking down and rebuilding. You have to break down all the lies that they believe. Examples of this are “I deserve this,” “nobody will ever want me again because I'm dirty,” “this is all that I have to offer,” and “I am worthless”. These are just a few of the lies that have been embedded into them. There is also a deep fear instilled in them. Fear that the trafficker will find them. Fear they will be beaten again or even killed. These were not idle threats. Most of the women have been beaten and brutally raped to force them into submission. Once you can break down the fear and lies, you can help replace them with truth. Truth about who God says they are. Truth about the fact that one choice should not define us for the rest of our lives.

The next part of healing is to break the trauma bond. A trauma bond is a lot like Stockholm syndrome. In the beginning of the “relationship” they felt like there was a connection with the other person and they were falling in love with them. They had begun dreaming of what their future would be. When they realize that this is not the case they begin to look to their trafficker as their protector. Although he may abuse her, she is under the illusion that he won’t let anyone else hurt her. This connection is so strong that even when she does get beaten or raped by another person she does not feel that he let her down.

Stock photo courtesy of Eric Ward via www.unsplash.com.

Once you have gotten her to this point of healing, she is now able to begin the deepest part of healing. Healing what was initially broken within her to make her vulnerable in the first place. By this time that initial trauma is buried so deeply within that it is extremely painful and uncomfortable to deal with. This is when many of the women will return to the streets. The process of healing is a whole new pain that they don’t know what to do with. Therefore, they return to the streets because it’s a predictable pain. Healing from this type of trauma isn’t linear. There isn’t a straight line that will take them from broken to healed. It is a process. It takes time. It takes love. It takes those who are willing to walk beside them, pick them up when they fall and encourage them along the long and winding road. I think one of the hardest parts of working with these women is giving them the freedom to give up on their healing. You can’t force someone to forgive themselves, to believe in themselves, or to complete the healing process. All you can do is plant seeds of faith, hope and love.

Stock photo courtesy of Kelly Sikkema via www.unsplash.com.

The last stage of the healing process is helping her to create new “normals”. Our goal is to equip the women to be self-confident and independent. This comes in the form of teaching them how to make their beds, clean the house and do laundry. They will also have to learn how to create a grocery list and then go grocery shopping. The women go to church and a weekly Bible study to learn who they are in Christ. The women are given a stipend so they can learn how to budget and save money. Many of the women have had all of their identifications stolen. We help them get their birth certificates, social security cards and a state ID. Once they have proper identification they can choose to continue their education or learn a trade. These survivors are some of the bravest women I have ever known.

Katrina is a credentialed missionary who has worked with Elli's House 313 for the last three years, ministering to trafficked women still on the street as well as rehabilitating women rescued from sex trafficking. It is Katrina's passion to see the broken hearted be healed, to proclaim freedom to those in captivity, and show those bound in shame and despair that there is a Savior who sees them, and has loved them every moment of their lives since He first formed them in the womb.

If you'd like to partner with Katrina in offering these beautiful women beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, you can visit https://giving.ncsservices.org/App/Giving/ncs-3761 and choose Katrina Kalinowski from the drop down menu.

Follow her mission on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/Katrinas-Mission-101377431259729/?ref=page_internal

Follow her on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/katrinasmission/

© 2022 Katrina Kalinowski. This article was printed by Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. with permission.

The Secret Shame of Male Sexual Abuse

Dr. Doug Carpenter is the author of the book, Secret Shame: A Survivor’s Guide to Understanding Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development. He is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Michigan. He and his wife, Mary Carpenter, LMSW; are the founders of Insight Counseling Services. Dr. Carpenter has a doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology from Forest Institute of Professional Psychology; earned a Master of Science in Counseling and Substance Abuse Rehabilitation from Pace University; and has an Associate of Arts in Theological Studies from Kent Christian College. Dr. Carpenter has extensive study and therapeutic skills in the area of gender role conflict, shame, sexual abuse and trauma, and chemical and behavioral addictions. You can find more information about his counseling services at http://www.insightcounselingpc.com/. This article is printed with the permission of Dr. Carpenter.

A famous psychologist, Carl Jung, said that “Shame is a soul eating disease.” Sexual abuse is the secret shame that lies deep within boys and men. For decades, the focus of sexual abuse research, educational programs, and media has been on the suffering of females. There has been much less attention given to the effects of sexual abuse on males. 

Men who have experienced sexual abuse deserve to be heard and to heal! The wounded inner child deserves to be comforted and protected, and the adult deserves to be free of the impact of sexual abuse and move into living a happy life free of emotional, physical, relational, and sexual dysfunction and compulsivity.

The effects of sexual abuse are vast and individualistic. There are commonalities, such as sexual identity confusion. However, the degree it affects a man on an individual basis is limitless. The American Psychological Association reports that 40% of men who are sexually abused will experience no ill effect. However, that leaves 60% of men who will have some problems ranging from mild to severe. The research identifies that men wait anywhere from 20-26 years before telling anyone about their abuse - think of all the issues boys carry from childhood into their adult lives. Few boys report sexual abuse as it is occurring or shortly after. Chapter 9 of my book, Secret Shame: A Survivor’s Guide to Understanding Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development, examines over 30 reasons why men do not disclose their sexual abuse.

At some point, a boy or man may choose to disclose a small snippet of his abuse. The reaction of the person whom they tell has significant implications on their decision to continue telling their story or return to the deep cloistered cave of secret shame. The mental grappling a man goes through concerning disclosure is a significant struggle. This decision is as significant, if not more, than all other decisions in life such as whom to marry, where to live, and what career to pursue.

The man needs to explore how the abuse changed his thinking and behavior. A good majority of men were abused before puberty. The research identified that men on average are abused around the age of eight or nine. This is considered the latency stage of development where boys are focused on learning and growing in their skills to navigate the world around them. Issues of a sexual nature are supposed to be dormant between the ages of 6 until puberty. The disruption of this phase by sexual abuse or exposure to sexually explicit material such as pornography creates a stirring of sexual curiosity and desire that is prematurely awakened and disrupts the maturational process.

Sexual abuse interferes with the natural process of imprinting and the development of a healthy sexual template. Our initial sexual experiences form a mental imprint, these sexual experiences are written on a blank canvas and become the template the mind compares and returns to when further sexual thoughts, feelings, and experiences occur. Most individuals can remember their first sexual experience, wanted and unwanted, in fairly great detail. Sexual abuse and exposure to sexually explicit materials take the sexual template awry. Early awakenings of sexual material can significantly increase sexual curiosity to unhealthy levels and encourage seeking out sexual information via unhealthy means.

At times, the abuse was so traumatic the boy used the defenses of dissociation and repression to survive. In these instances, the mind struggles to remember the details of the event or has absolutely no memories. This can result in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and associated symptoms such as flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and body memories. No matter the degree of trauma, the contents of the event are stamped into the sexual template of the mind in either a conscious or unconscious format. Both formats impact the future mental, emotional, and sexual functioning of the individual. Learning has occurred as a result of the event and neural synapses were formed. These become the road map for sexual arousal patterns.

Sexual identity confusion is the number one issue faced by sexually abused males. Adolescence is considered a time of storm and stress along a normal continuum of development. Adding sexual abuse and trauma only compounds the stressful work that occurs during this era of life. Children and adolescents lack the cognitive skills to understand what is happening to them and how they arrived in an abusive situation. They cannot make meaning of the abuse.

A significant step in the healing process is understanding the automatic process of the human response cycle. The male body responds to visual cues and physical stimulation. The male body cannot decipher between abuse, sex, and intimacy. This process leaves a boy confused about his body. Why did it respond to another male? Why did I feel both scared and excited? Why did my body betray me and respond to another man when it is only supposed to respond to a female concerning sex? Why did I get an erection? Why did I ejaculate? Many boys and men struggle with believing their bodies betrayed them at a crucial point in their life. This creates a plethora of deep questions about their sexuality and masculinity. Many sexually abused males report the sense of having their masculinity robbed from them as a result of the abuse and that it somehow feminized them.

Why me? This is a question asked by all survivors. Another important step in the healing process is understanding the manipulative characteristics of the perpetrator. Sexual abuse did not just happen! It is a well-thought-out, calculated, manipulative plan on the part of the abuser. The perpetrator has a keen awareness of the vulnerabilities of the child and knows how to gradually begin taking advantage of these weaknesses. The abuser maneuvers himself into a place of importance in the child’s life. The child begins to trust him, depend on him, and may even love him before the sexual abuse begins. Before long, the child is confused about the deep love and appreciation he has for a person who now changes the relationship into something sexual. Someone the child thought was helpful, is now hurtful instead. Unfortunately, the perpetrator is so cunning that he finds a way to convince the child that it is their fault or they initiated it. This adds to the deep confusion of the child and the feelings of being trapped. Self-blame becomes a paramount issue for the child which only leads to further sexual identity confusion and significant issues concerning self-esteem, self-hatred, and self-loathing. The abuse permeates the very fiber of the child’s existence and he makes false attributions about himself. This begins the roots of shame that only deepens and festers throughout the psyche of the abused.

Male sexual abuse has a high risk of creating an array of sexual problems. Many times, men do not even understand the connection between their abuse and their problematic adult patterns of behavior. It may lead to complete abstinence from sexual and romantic relationships. On the other hand, the early awakening of these desires can lead to problematic relationships with pornography and sexual addiction. The research also shows a correlation between sexual abuse and later sexual dysfunction.

There are many barriers to the healing process for men. Sexually abused individuals are likely to develop negative coping skills to numb the pain that lies within. This can manifest through drugs, alcohol, sexual addiction, gaming, gambling, overeating, self-injury, even suicide. The abuse creates several problems that need to be addressed. In fact, it is often a side effect of the abuse, such as addiction, that lands a person in treatment where the sexual abuse is then disclosed as the root of his problems.

Successful treatment for sexually abused men involves several steps. First, the man must be able to let go of the masculine veneer he hides behind. He must get in touch with his feelings, make himself vulnerable, be willing to share his story, and first accept that he was a victim. He must stop the self-blame and accept that his perpetrator was a masterful manipulator. Children cannot consent to sexual acts. The second stage in healing is being able to take the facts and make meaning of the events. The man comes to understand his childhood vulnerabilities and how the perpetrator took advantage of those. He may also come to understand more about the perpetrator’s life and why or how he became an abuser. The man accepts that he survived the abuse. Third, the man makes healthier choices for his life. He begins moving from being a survivor into being a thriver. He identifies healthy coping skills and implements them into his daily life. He increases his overall self-care physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and sexually. Lastly, he begins to engage in healthy relationships with others. This happens through forming healthy male and female friendships, pursuing healthy and authentic love relationships, staying connected to an accountability partner, therapist, and/or group of people where he can share and live authentically as himself and eventually can use his story to help others. He frees himself from the shame he has lived in for many years.

© 2022 Dr. Doug Carpenter, Psy.D., L.P. This article was printed with permission.

Actor images used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

Secret Shame: A Survivor’s Guide to Understanding
Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development

This book has been in the making for more than six years. If you are a male (or know a male) who has been sexually abused and has never disclosed your story; felt emotionally and physically defective; felt your masculinity has been compromised; questioned your sexuality; repeated your sexual abuse with others in childhood; recreated your sexual abuse experience in adulthood; acted out sexually with other men; isolated from emotional and sexual relationships; turned to sexual compulsivity and promiscuity; suffered from abuse-related sexual dysfunction; and, have carried secret shame, THIS WAS WRITTEN FOR YOU!

As a clinical psychologist for the past twenty-four years treating men’s issues, my work has centered on the sexual trauma of men and how it is the driving force to multiple forms of addiction, especially sexual compulsivity. Throughout the years, I struggled to find a helpful resource for men that provided the information necessary for them to understand their trauma and the deep shame they carry. Male sexual abuse is complicated and the shame it engenders attacks the very essence of a man’s core beliefs of himself, his masculinity, and his sexuality.

The book is filled with information from hundreds of research articles, yet is written in common language understandable to the reader. The book examines the occurrence of male sexual abuse, the negative effects sexual abuse has upon the survivor, and the influence it has upon male sexual development, sexuality, and subsequent sexual behavior. It contains personal accounts of thirteen men who were individually interviewed by the author and who were courageous enough to share their in-depth experiences of sexual abuse and its implications upon their sexual development and sexual lives. The chapters highlight various aspects of their stories to help bring insight into the reader’s own experience.

Secret Shame: A Survivor’s Guide to Understanding Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development explores all of these topics in-depth. To help the sexually abused man work through these steps on his own or with a therapist, I have also created the Secret Shame Workbook that is complementary to the main text. The chapters coincide and offer a roadmap through the healing process.

You can find the book, Secret Shame, at https://tinyurl.com/3ncwffak.

Standing in Your True Identity in Christ - Dan Hitz

This article is inspired from Chapter Ten of the 1996 edition of the Living Waters Guidebook, “The Cross: Resurrecting the True Self” by Andrew Comiskey. You can find out more information about Living Waters at https://www.desertstream.org/#.  Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.

 Then he [Jesus] asked them, “But who do you say I am?” Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.” Jesus replied, “You are blessed, Simon son of John, because my Father in heaven has revealed this to you. You did not learn this from any human being. Now I say to you that you are Peter (which means ‘rock’) and upon this rock I will build my church, and all the powers of hell will not conquer it.
Matthew 16:15-18 NLT

God places a lot of importance on names… on identities... As you read through the entire conversation in Matthew 16, you’ll see that people were calling Jesus all sorts of things at that time. It’s interesting to note that Peter actually had the correct answer, and it was revealed to him by the Father in Heaven. He didn’t figure it out by human reasoning. Jesus followed up His affirmation of Peter by highlighting Peter’s own name and it’s meaning. He then reveals His plans for Peter and the Kingdom. When the Lord renames people in Scripture, it reflects the transformation that occurs in their hearts. Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah, and Saul became Paul. When God speaks our names, He speaks our identities. When He speaks our identities, He speaks vision and calling.

Image used under license from www.shutterstock.com.

Who do you say that you are? More importantly, who does God say that you are? As Christians, if we answer that question theologically, the answer is pretty powerful. 1 Thessalonians 1:4 says we are loved by God and chosen. 1 Corinthians 6:11 says we are washed, justified, and sanctified. Romans 8:37 says we are more than conquerors. The list of our Biblical attributes and identities goes on and on. Unfortunately, if we listen to the pain in our hearts, our identities can be quite different. Just like the people in Jesus’ day called Him many things, people in our day have called us many things. Some of those names were nice… some not so nice. Sometimes those not so nice names come back at us years later when we answer the question of who we are from the pain in our hearts… looser… hopeless… unwanted… and a whole lot worse.

Where did those nasty names come from? Sometimes parents in a fit of rage give us labels that sink deep into our hearts… “You’ll never amount to anything!” “You’re dumber than a head of lettuce!” “You’re a tramp!” When words like these are spoken over us by our parents, they are written in indelible ink on our souls. Sometimes our peers label us. I’ve talked with people who were labeled “faggot” even before they knew what the word meant. It’s tough to grow up and not fit a typical gender stereotype. Rough and tumble girls and sensitive, artistic boys can carry a lot of hurtful labels given to them by neighborhood kids who didn’t give them a second thought.

Sometimes labels come from the shame in our own hearts. As a small child, I didn’t realize that my body was built to respond to touch. My nerve endings didn’t know if my abusers’ touch was wanted or unwanted. I hated myself when my body responded to that touch. I carried the label of “disgusting little pervert” for years. Sometimes we’ve actually done perverted things by choice as an adult, yet even as a repentant Christian we still carry that label. Many of us in recovery gladly tell others in our small groups that they are new creations in Christ and that their old nature is gone (2 Corinthians 5:17), but when we listen to the condemnation in our own hearts, it’s quite a different story. Even after walking with Jesus for years, we may still wrestle with some pretty nasty identities. Some of them I hesitate to even print in this newsletter. But we hear them in our hearts. We might even say them out loud when no one’s around. We wonder if we’re the exception to that new creation in Christ verse. After all, if I’m a new creation, why am I still struggling?

This brings us back to our need to be defined by the Father. We need a supernatural revelation of who we are in Christ. We need the voice of the Father to speak louder than the pain in our hearts. We need to live the truth of Galatians 2:20 NIV that declares, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” We aren’t defined by our old, fallen nature anymore. We are defined by Christ. That applies even if we’ve sinned after coming to Christ. It is then that we take refuge in 1 John 1:9 NIV, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Jesus doesn’t identify us by our fallen nature. He identifies us as who we are in Him.

So how do we sincerely lay down our old identities and fully embrace our true identities in Christ? We need to take some time to get quiet with the Father and open our hearts to Him. The thought of getting quiet with God about how He sees us might sound frightening. Remember, He knew everything about us before we even came to Him. He won’t reject us. He knows everything about us and still loves us. Find peace in the truth, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8b NIV).

Understand that Jesus took the full weight of our sin and shame on Himself when he was crucified on the cross. His death and resurrection are infinitely more powerful than our sin. Not just for our salvation, but for our transformation into mature sons and daughters of the Father. 2 Corinthians 5:21 tells us that Jesus, who had no sin, become sin for us, so that we can be transformed into the righteousness of God. Romans 6 tells us that our old, sinful natures were crucified with Christ, and that Christ now lives in us. We have Jesus’ righteousness alive and powerful in us. That is who the Father sees when He looks at us. It is time to seek God in prayer to make this truth come alive in the depths of our hearts.

At the very beginning of our walk, the Lord called us to admit who we were in our human brokenness and accept the fact that we couldn’t save ourselves. We surrendered our old lives and natures to Him and received new natures and identities in Him. The more we focus on our true identity, the easier it will be to leave our old identity and behaviors at the cross. When we sin after coming to Christ, it doesn’t erase our God-given identity. It is at those times that we go to the cross, confess our sins, and stand as blood washed sons and daughters of the Father. We are identified by Him, and we stand in our true identity as redeemed and beloved sons and daughters.

Spend some time in prayer to specifically focus on the shame in your heart. Identify the shameful labels – identities – that you are wrestling with. Then offer them up to the Father and ask Him to show you the identity that He gives you. We can participate in Revelation 2:17b NIV right now while we’re still in process. “To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it.” We’ve shared this message in small groups and ministry times for years. It is amazing to hear the shameful identities that people have laid down at the cross, and the holy identities they have received from the Father. We give each person a white stone as a remembrance of their true identity in Christ. I’ll never forget when a man came up to me quite a while after I shared this message. He told me how he was still carrying the white stone in his pocket as a reminder of his true identity in Christ. His heart was revived as he embraced the truth of who he is in Christ. It’s time for you to lay down your false identity and embrace your true identity in Christ. Who does God say that you are?

© 2022 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

The Mother Wound: Dan Hitz Answers Questions from Drew Boa

Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a licensed professional counselor, an ordained minister, and an EMDR trained, certified clinical trauma professional. This article was inspired by questions from Drew Boa, Founder and Director of Husband Material, an excellent ministry that helps men overcome pornography. Drew sent Dan some questions to prepare for a podcast on the mother wound that was posted to the Husband Material website on June 21, 2021. You can see that podcast by clicking here.

Drew: What is a “mother wound”?

Dan: Mother wounds are voids that we have in our hearts as a result of not receiving the nurturing and love that God intended our mothers to give us. They may be intentional in cases of overt neglect, or unintentional in cases where our mothers loved us but were unable to care for us. Mother wounds may also be wounds we received because our mothers harmed us in some way, such as abuse. Mother wounds show themselves in deep emotional emptiness, codependency, self-sufficiency, and anger. Those with mother wounds don’t know how to comfort themselves appropriately. Since they feel a deep emptiness, they are susceptible to addictions and enmeshed relationships as they to try to fill up the emotional void. Some mother wounds are huge. Others are subtler.

Drew: Why is this topic so important?

Dan: Mother wounds rob us of our ability to have healthy relationships, and to take the necessary risks that allow us to embrace the challenges of life. Mothers lay the foundation for our emotional development. They are intended to impart a “sense of being” in us. That means we learn that we exist as a valued individual, our needs will be met, our thoughts and emotions matter, and we are capable thriving in this world. If the enemy can make us feel like we don’t matter, or keep us from developing a healthy sense of initiative, he can rob us of living up to God’s individual design for us.

Drew: How do you know if you have a mother wound?

Dan:  If you walk around with a sense of anxiety, or aren’t comfortable in your own skin, that’s a good indication that you may have a mother wound. If you have trouble feeling accepted by others, and feel unable to follow through on your goals, you may have a mother wound. One of the unscientific tests I have people do is to try to sit alone in their living room for a half hour or so with no TV, no radio, no smartphone. Just sit quietly and be aware of the present, without escaping to a fantasy world or finding some meaningless task to perform. People with mother or father wounds usually can’t sit still with no distracting stimuli for any length of time without getting antsy.

Drew: Have you been personally wounded by your mother?

Dan: Yes. I was the youngest of five children with a paranoid schizophrenic mother. Unfortunately, she sexually abused me throughout my childhood, yet was very over protective. I wasn’t allowed to do many of the activities that a lot of other kids could do. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin and didn’t learn how to develop friendships as a small child. I learned how to comfort myself by jumping into a fantasy world. I was afraid to take appropriate risks in the real world.

Drew: In what ways did your mother affect your sexuality?

Dan: She was very aggressive with the sexual abuse. That caused a lot of confusion and made me afraid of women. I had some sexual encounters with males while I was growing up. Somehow boys seemed safer. I didn’t really know how to make friends and didn’t feel like one of the boys. When the sexual abuse from my mother reached its peak, I was devastated and made a promise to myself – an inner vow – that I would never get married. I was afraid my wife would turn out like my mother. At the same time, I wanted to have the classic life with a wife and kids. I was very confused. I spent most of my time in a fantasy world of having sexual encounters with men in my mind. My goal was to find the right guy and settle down with him, even though I wanted a wife and kids. I was an emotional mess.

Drew: When and how did God intervein? What began to change?

Dan: I grew up in the church, but didn’t know how to have a personal relationship with Jesus. I liked the idea of living for Him, but He didn’t seem like much help in the abuse. I can remember being in college and making the decision that God didn’t exist. From that point on things went from bad to worse. My sexual fantasies about guys and isolation skyrocketed. I turned to bulimia to try to fill the void. That lasted for about three or four years, and was a very dark time in my life.

When I graduated from college, I worked with a guy who was a spirit-filled, born again Christian. One day he witnessed to me and said that there would be a day for everyone when God would ask them if they would serve Him or not. The Holy Spirit was all over that statement and I was confronted with that question deep in my heart. I didn’t know what would happen if I said no to God, but I knew it would be bad. A few days later I said yes to God. Instantly my bulimia ended, and I assumed that God would take my same-sex attraction away just as quickly. He didn’t. I was devastated. I was hoping that He would take away my sinful sexual desires the same way He took away my bulimia… without me having to face the pain in my soul that was driving the desires. I was serious about living for Christ, but I didn’t want the Holy Spirit “messing” with the pain in my heart. I jumped into the Christian disciplines of prayer, Bible study, church, and even Bible school. I was hoping that if I did all the right external things, God would just fix me without having to look at the pain. He did honor the Christian disciplines enough that the terror of women reduced to a fear of women, and He brought me a beautiful wife a few years later. Even though we’re coming up on our 35th wedding anniversary, I learned that marriage doesn’t fix sexual brokenness. Only God does. God doesn’t fix sexual brokenness on our terms. He fixes it on His terms.

What God was really after was a deeper relationship. He wants to have honest conversations with us about our wounds. A deeper relationship with Jesus is what began to bring deeper healing in my heart. God brought me to the point of desperation where I was finally willing to let Him into the darker places of my heart. I was finally willing to admit the abuse, be honest about the pain I was still feeling, and let the Holy Spirit do His work. I also had to “forgive God” for “giving me” a mentally ill mother who sexually abused me. I know that last sentence isn’t theologically sound, but the pain in our souls isn’t going to make theological sense. The bottom line is that I had to surrender to the Father, and trust that He is good and truly does have a good plan for my life. The moment I surrendered to the Lord and accepted the fact that I had a sexually abusive mother – accepted that He is good and He really can work all things out for my good if I let Him – the Father spoke to me and said, “I always raise up Moses under the nose of Pharaoh!” I realized that no matter what happened in the past, God could redeem it, heal my heart, and empower me to help other people overcome the pain in their past. In other words, the struggle wasn’t in vain. God can use it for His glory, for my eternal benefit, and for the eternal benefit of others.

My deeper surrender happened around 20 years ago. That opened the door for a deeper relationship with God, and deeper healings from God, that are still happening today. He really does care about the pain in our hearts. He really can bring healing in the worst moments of our lives.

Drew: For men who want to deal with these types of things, what advice do you have?

Dan: The first thing we should do is surrender to the Lord and admit that we have emotional wounds. Ask the Lord to show you how your wounds have affected your life. It’s not just going to be the porn or sexual brokenness. Mother wounds affect how we see ourselves, how we interact with others of the same and opposite sex, and how we relate to God. They affect our ability to live the fulfilling life that God wants us to live. The second thing we need to do is find a healthy Christian community that we can be honest with about our struggles. God brought me into a Living Waters program. There are other great communities out there as well including Husband Material and Celebrate Recovery. Finally, we need to embrace the process and be gracious to ourselves. Transformation doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time. As we grow in our healing, we learn to grow in healthy relationships with others in the Body of Christ. As we learn to walk with others, we learn to live according to God’s unique design for our lives. Life gets a lot more fulfilling.

Great recovery resources are available from

Husband Material at www.husbandmaterial.com.

Questions Written by Drew Boa of Husband Material. Used by permission.

© 2021 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.  This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.

The Equality Act and Cancel Culture - A Look at the Horizon

Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a licensed professional counselor, an ordained minister, and an EMDR trained, certified clinical trauma professional. Dan helps men, women, and adolescents find healing through the transformational power of Jesus Christ.

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 NIV

Image used under license with Shutterstock.com.

As the Equality Act continues to make its way through the US Senate, Jesus’ words remind us to lean on Him as we face significant trials. Jesus plainly told the disciples that they would face trials and tribulations in this world. He didn’t do that to fuel their fear and anxiety. He wanted to prepare them. He wanted to show them the importance of living in complete dependence on God. When things did get tough, they could remember Jesus’ words and all that He taught them along the way.

That is the intent of this newsletter, to prepare you for what may be on the horizon, whether it comes through the Equality Act or through the waves of cancel culture that seem to be flooding the globe. In this world we will have tribulation, but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world! He can equip us to do the same.

As we watch the progression of the Equality Act in the US, we can see similar laws working their way through the legal systems of many western nations. A ban on conversion therapy in Victoria, Australia carries penalties of up to ten years in prison and/or fines up to $200,000. Canadian Parliament continues to debate Bill C-6, a conversion therapy ban that also carries significant prison and financial penalties. Other nations or regions have already implemented similar conversion therapy bans including Brazil, Ecuador, and Mexico City. Germany has banned conversion therapy for anyone under 18. Twenty states in the US currently ban conversion therapy for minors. The United Nations is working on the Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Mandate, a detailed plan to pressure nations to implement bans on sexual orientation and gender identity therapy that helps people overcome unwanted LGBTQ issues. Most bans expressly forbid therapists and caregivers from helping people move from an LGBTQ identity towards a heterosexual identity that embraces one’s birth gender (cisgender), while specifically supporting therapy to help someone move from a heterosexual or cisgender identity to an LGBTQ identity.

Culturally speaking, “conversion therapy” means any therapy, spiritual direction, or support of any type that helps people explore the possibility of moving away from an LGBTQ identity towards a heterosexual identity, and/or the possibility of moving away from a transgender identity to embrace their birth gender. (Individuals who embrace their birth gender are referred to as cisgender.) As earlier mentioned, people who support conversion therapy bans openly support assistance to help someone explore the process of moving away from a heterosexual or cisgender identity towards an LBGTQ identity. The term “conversion therapy” itself is misleading. LGBTQ advocates have created the term which fuels suspicion among non-believers who see the thought of converting anyone as wrong, and inspires mockery among the LGBTQ community as they perceive someone trying to convert them from gay to straight as utter nonsense. Proponents of conversion therapy bans regularly claim that those who practice it use force, coercion, shock treatments, nausea inducing drugs and violence. Shock treatments may have been used into the 50s for a wide variety of mental health issues; however, no reputable therapists today use shock treatments or any other such harmful practices in the care of anyone seeking to overcome LGBTQ issues. Proponents of conversion therapy bans seek to establish guilt by association. They seek to discredit appropriate care from trained therapists, pastoral caregivers, and peer support offered to willing participants by falsely claiming harmful practices.

What are the chances of the Equality Act passing the US Senate and being signed into law by the President? It depends on who you ask. Throughout this process, this author felt like he was watching breaking news coverage of a natural disaster or a traumatic event. During such news casts, it’s not unusual to hear one specific detail one moment, and a contrasting detail the next. Initially, reports of the chances of the act passing in the Senate were evenly divided. A recent review of the prognosis at www.govtrack.us, which describes itself as “the leading non-governmental source of legislative information and statistics”, cites Skopos Labs which gives the act a 24% chance of being enacted. The President has said that passing the Equality Act was his number one legislative priority within the first 100 days of taking office. If it passes the Senate, he will surely sign it into law.

Whether or not the Equality Act will ban conversion therapy, or make it illegal for pastors to preach against LGBTQ issues is another one of the issues that has shifted as more analysis is presented. Initially, it seemed that the act would make such things illegal. While the act does specifically state that conversion therapy is “discriminatory”, “discredited”, and “harmful”; it does not specifically ban such therapy or sermons. However, it does lay the groundwork to ban therapy and opens the door for discrimination lawsuits against churches and therapists that hold to traditional Scriptural interpretations. The belief that marriage should be between one male and one female would be identified as a “sexual stereotype” and discriminatory [Section 2(a)(2)]. It is now expected that a nationwide ban on conversion therapy would be presented quickly if the Equality Act becomes law.

The author of this newsletter is not a lawyer or legal expert. You are encouraged to do your own research and consult your own legal counsel where necessary. (You can find the full text of the Equality Act at https://www.congress.gov/bill/116th-congress/house-bill/5/text.) However, the author has researched the Equality Act and has heard from others who have more extensive knowledge than he. Here are a few of the primary concerns about the act:

The Equality Act will amend the Civil Rights Act of 1964 to “prohibit discrimination on the basis of sex, gender identity and sexual orientation, and for other purposes…” [Title Page, Introduction]. It will elevate the fluid and subjective traits of sexual orientation and gender identity to the same legal level of protection as the immutable traits of skin color and biological sexual identity.

The Equality Act will eliminate the protections from the Religious Freedom Restoration Act of 1993. The Equality Act reads, “The Religious Freedom Restoration Act of 1993 shall not provide a claim concerning, or a defense to a claim under, a covered title, or provide a basis for challenging the application or enforcement of a covered title.” [Section 1107] In other words, ministries, Christian medical practitioners, and Christian employers will not be able to use the RFRA as a defense if charged with a violation of the Equality Act.

The Equality Act will eliminate freedom of conscience protection for medical personnel. The act uses the phrase “pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical condition” [Section 1106(a)(1-2)] to include abortion. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and the 3rd Circuit Court have interpreted “related medical condition” to include abortion [https://www.heritage.org/gender/report/11-myths-about-hr-5-the-equality-act-2021]. Therefore, doctors can be required to perform abortions against their religious convictions or face discrimination charges. If a doctor performs mastectomies on a woman who has breast cancer, he would also be required to perform a double mastectomy on a biological female who identifies as a transgender male or face discrimination charges.

The Equality Act specifically identifies “conversion therapy” as discriminatory and harmful, setting the stage for conversion therapy bans. The act reads, “The discredited practice known as ‘conversion therapy’ is a form of discrimination that harms LGBTQ people by undermining individuals sense of self worth, increasing suicide ideation and substance abuse, exacerbating family conflict, and contributing to second class status.” [Section 2(a)(7)] This statement ignores over 100 years of scientific research that shows a shift in one’s sexual orientation is possible and that sexual orientation is fluid. The statement also ignores countless men and women who can personally testify that they have experienced a shift in their sexual attractions and/or have overcome a transgender identity and now embrace their biological sex with improved emotional health.

The Equality Act will eliminate traditional gender separation in multiple areas including domestic abuse shelters, bathrooms and locker rooms; and demands that they open them up to either biological gender. The act addresses shared facilities and reads, “an individual shall not be denied access to a shared facility, including a restroom, a locker room, and a dressing room, that is in accordance with the individual’s gender identity…” [Section 1101(b)(2)] It also addresses public accommodations by stating, “any establishment that provides a good, service, or program, including a store, shopping center, online retailer or service provider, salon, bank, gas station, food bank, service or care center, shelter, travel agency, or funeral parlor, or establishment that provides health care, accounting, or legal services…” [Section 3(a)(4)] Homeless shelters will be required to allow a biological male who perceives himself as a female to share the same facilities as the vulnerable woman finding refuge in the shelter. Churches and secular gyms will likely have to open their locker rooms based on perceived gender or face discrimination charges. How this legally applies to a church bathroom during a religious service is unclear. Churches that merely hold religious services may be able to uphold their traditional boundaries; however, any church that operates a daycare or school, or rents out their fellowship hall or gym will likely be required to follow the mandates of the act [https://www.brotherhoodmutual.com/resources/safety-library/risk-management-articles/religious-freedom/religious-freedom-equality-act/].

Precisely how the Equality Act will affect churches is yet to be determined. Many people claim that the First Amendment to the US Constitution blocks the effects of the Equality Act for churches; however, a well-known insurance company used by many religious organizations acknowledges that churches may be required to follow the act during non-religious activities and when hiring non-religious personnel such as custodians and administrative staff. As Christian beliefs are legally identified as discriminatory and harmful, they would likely loose their First Amendment protection. One thing is certain, this law will face many legal challenges that could take years to resolve. There are Christian legal groups ready to file lawsuits against the law the moment it is enacted. Many scholars agree that the Equality Act is one of the gravest threats to religious freedom this country has ever faced.

Even if the Equality Act does not become law, Christians and conservatives will likely see their freedoms continue to pass away as the forces of cancel culture become stronger. Not even large corporations or famous celebrities are immune to the cancel culture that screams, “Agree with our political correctness or we will bring you to ruin!” Conservative businesses and organizations have faced boycotts and paid a heavy price for their values. Conservative celebrities have lost significant media roles. Social media giants seem to “fact check” conservative posts with much more scrutiny than liberal ones. They seem to have no qualms against canceling the accounts of conservatives with whom they disagree while allowing the account of dictators to remain [https://nypost.com/2020/07/29/twitter-defends-blocking-trump-tweets-but-not-irans-ayatollah-khamenei/]. Restored Hope Network, a network of ministries helping men and women overcome unwanted same-sex attraction and gender confusion, saw their social media page disappear for “violating community standards”. Other conservative ministries have suffered the same fate. A retail giant has pulled books from conservative authors written to help people overcome unwanted same-sex attraction or understand gender confusion. (The author of this article knows some of those authors personally, and can attest to their compassion and godliness.) That same retail giant continues to offer Adolf Hitler’s Miene Komfth and Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto. Still other conservative ministries have had their videos pulled off of video hosting platforms or had their channel demonetized. The list of challenges to conservative organizations is much too extensive to include in a single newsletter. They include conservative organizations and industries losing their banking services, and attacks on the professional licenses of therapist who uphold Biblical principles.

Image used under license with Shutterstock.com.

How can we live for Christ in an era that makes living for Christ difficult? We must remember the words of Christ at the beginning of this article, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” [John 16:33 NIV] We must remember the words of Jesus when he told the disciples, “Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be a shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves.” [Matthew 10:16 NLT] We must continue to draw nearer to Christ, and determine that we are living for eternity, and not for the here and now. As we find refuge in Him, we are equipped and strengthened for the challenges of the day. We must determine not to compromise our faith and our convictions no matter the cost.

On the practical side, we can begin to research the companies that we do business with and be prepared to transfer to more Christian friendly companies if and when necessary. We can support conservative companies over those that use their profits to support liberal endeavors. One resource to help you find out where organizations stand on conservative values is www.2ndvote.com. Another important step is to contact your US Senators and urge them not to support the Equality Act. You can find out who your elected officials are at www.usa.gov/elected-officials/. If you are living in Michigan, you probably won’t be surprise to know that Senator Stabenow is in favor of the act, and that Senator Peters is a cosponsor. Even if they are already a vocal proponent of the Equality Act, it is important to register your opposition now to provide more legal support later on if the law is challenged in the courts.

Most importantly, do not give up. Remember, we are living for eternity. Jesus tells us many times in Scripture that persecution will come. He also tells us many times not to be afraid. In John 16:3, He tells us, “They will do such things because they have not known the Father or me.” That verse helps me to have compassion for those who would persecute us. Our persecutors are eternal souls who desperately need the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ or they will go to Hell. Sometimes those who oppose us the most are the very ones who most need the valuable message that we carry. They don’t know the peace that comes from a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. They don’t know the peace of living for eternity. We do. We must not compromise. We must continue to speak the truth in love and bring the message of salvation to a dying world. That may be one of the most important lessons we’re supposed to learn in all of this. Christ alone can sustain us and give us a heart to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us [Matthew 5:44]. Jesus has been preaching that message for over 2000 years. He wants us to live that message every day.

Photos used under license with www.shutterstock.com. © 2021 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.

Now is the time to stand for righteousness. You can make a difference!

In this month’s newsletter, you’ll read Dawn’s testimony of deliverance from a life of abuse, addiction, and homosexuality. She is just one of the many people you’ve helped find healing and transformation through your support of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan. Dawn is a beautiful example of God’s grace, and the power of faith-based recovery groups like Living Waters, Mending the Soul, Celebrate Recovery, and more. You have made a difference in Dawn’s life, and the lives of so many others who have benefited from the support groups, prayer ministry, licensed counseling, and spiritual care that you help provide.

We desperately need your help. The future of ministries like Reconciliation Ministries that help men and women overcome unwanted same-sex attraction and gender confusion hangs in the balance. On Thursday, February 25th, the US House of Representatives voted 224 to 206 to pass the Equality Act. The fate of this bill in the Senate is unclear; however, President Biden has stated that he intends to sign the act into law within the first 100 days of his presidency. The Equality Act is one of the biggest threats to religious freedom that our country has ever faced.

Here are just a few of the disastrous effects of The Equality Act:

• It would remove protections offered to faith-based organizations under The Religious Freedom Restoration Act of 1993.

• Faith-based organizations will be obligated to accept and follow federal LGBTQ guidelines or face severe penalties.

• The Equality Act will remove freedom of conscience protection from medical practitioners forcing them to perform abortions and provide gender affirming treatments regardless of their convictions and religious doctrine.

• The law identifies any form of support to help anyone overcome unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion and embrace biblical sexuality as discrimination.

• The bill would mandate licensed professional therapists and pastoral caregivers to affirm LGBTQ attractions regardless of their religious convictions and the desires of their clients.

You can find more information in the links at the end of this article.

You can make a difference. Contact your US Senators today and urge them not to sponsor or support the Equality Act.

Please be respectful and courteous in your communications with them. Affirm the value and dignity of all people regardless of their beliefs. This includes people within the LGBTQ community as well as people within communities of faith. Let them know if you or someone you love has been helped to overcome homosexuality and/or gender confusion through pastoral care, licensed therapy, and/or support groups. Urge them to keep that option available for others. Keep your communications brief and to the point. You can find your US Senators at https://www.senate.gov/senators/senators-contact.htm.

Thank you for helping to keep the freedom of religion alive in the United States. This is an important time in our nation’s history, and you can make a difference.

Here is more information about The Equality Act:

The House version of The Equality Act
http://lc.org/PDFs/Attachments2PRsLAs/2019/031819EqualityActHR5.pdf

A Call to Action on the Equality Act – Doug Clay, General Superintendent Assemblies of God, USA
https://news.ag.org/en/news/a-call-to-action-on-the-equality-act?fbclid=IwAR2LzpSwrurgIvGj0lkpTCRcC2Ej6tkUlukkMe9a3yyiYRQAO-mJyC3eV3o  

A Dangerous Attack on Religious Freedom and Free Speech – Liberty Counsel
https://www.lcaction.org/HR5  

The FAQS: What You Should Know about the Pro-LGBTQ Equality Act – Gospel Coalition
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/the-faqs-what-you-should-know-about-the-pro-lgbtq-equality-act/

Thank you for speaking out for the religious freedom of our country. Your voice matters!

In Christ,

Dan Hitz and your friends at Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.

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God’s Redeeming Love and Deliverance
Dawn Lynn Mann

Dawn is a friend of Reconciliation Ministries and an alumna of the Living Waters program. She is a Celebrate Recovery leader, and a Justice Ambassador for Prison Fellowship. Through the power of Jesus Christ, Dawn has overcome abuse, addiction, and sexual brokenness. She shares her testimony publicly to encourage others. Dawn is also a writer, and the facilitator of an online recovery group. You can read her blog at www.dawnlynnmann.com/feed.

I was pulled into an abyss of an already darkened world by my spiritual blindness. I believed in God but didn’t really know who He was. I surely didn’t live for Him. This path of destruction was paved with despair that left me feeling lonely, sad, deserted, and hopeless. I was a scared, insecure child. All I ever wanted was to be loved, but it became something else. This perverted abuse started as a young child. I tried to have boyfriends, but even through my teenage years their sex drive became too strong to the point of one attempting to rape me. Therefore, I was extremely uncomfortable and fearful of boys who would later become men.

I was afraid to let my feelings out, so I kept them hidden. I began experimenting with alcohol and unfortunately discovered I liked the sense of being free. I lost all inhibitions and felt I was no longer held captive inside my body, but I also was very naïve. One night, I went to a house, thinking I was going to have a couple drinks with other people. Once I arrived, I found I was alone. The house was dark. Two men took advantage of me and stripped me of every inch of dignity I had. At the time I didn’t identify this as rape, or my past experiences as sexual assault and abuse. I stayed silent. I blamed myself.

Later, I was introduced to cocaine. My newest friends were “drug lords.” I was drawn into an underground world completely covered in darkness where killings were rampant. I was trapped under their influence. One night I was led with a runner to a hotel room with no way out. Nothing happened, but that feeling of entrapment came flooding in from what I now know was complex PTSD. My fear of men ran deep. I felt so uncomfortable and completely pushed them away and turned the other direction.

I didn’t know how to face what I was afraid of. I was torn up. This secret stayed bottled up in agonizing silence and led to sexual attraction to other women. One night the shame was more than I could bare. I attempted to drink myself to death. Not too long after that, I met a woman and for the first time felt safe and deeply in love. Drinking was set aside for only special occasions. After 15 years, it fell apart from the tragedies of life. It left me completely devastated and my heart was shattered in pieces. I began to physically hurt. Alcohol gave me an escape once again. Death returned to knock on my door, this time with the question, “How many Xanax could I take to safely knock me out?” What I didn’t know was that even the minimum amount was more than my heart could bare.

I longed to fill my brokenness and find love. I began experimenting by going to gay bars. What I found were people like me. I belonged, felt safe, and was understood. I thought I found new friends. The next few years, I had a few more relationships. I was an emotional mess and my longing to be loved became deeply enmeshed with broken relationships. I started drinking heavily from not knowing how to cope with the mental and emotional abuse from one of these relationships. One night, after an argument with my girlfriend, I found myself at a bar where a man bought me a couple of strong drinks. His advances became extremely inappropriate. The moment I found a way to escape, I left. I was pulled over by the police as soon as I left the parking lot and was arrested. I went straight to jail and charged with a DUI.

My last relationship, where I thought I found love, was filled with verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse. I didn’t feel safe and was extremely afraid of her. By God’s power the door was finally shut. Not too long after that I got pulled over for speeding. I thought I had waited enough time to sober up, but an alcohol reading of .08 showed otherwise. A hard lesson learned where I take responsibility and thank God that I didn’t have more alcohol in my system and no harm was done to others. I went straight to jail. This time I cried out to God, “Please help me, I am so sorry, I will do anything.” Then God showed me a story about someone else who had been convicted of a DUI. Tears came flooding in. I wasn’t alone. I reached out to that person in my hopeless despair. I was scared and full of shame, but I couldn’t believe how God’s love poured into me through somebody I didn’t even know. It is a moment in my life I will never forget. The DUI was a blessing in disguise because it is when I truly started seeking God with all my heart. My relationship with Him became alive. This is when I surrendered and gave not only my heart, but my life to Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

God had done so much healing in revealing truth, but I wanted to go even deeper. That is exactly what God did through the Living Waters program where He focused on my sexual confusion and abuse. When I spoke from my heart in a safe group, it brought another level of healing from all the pain of abuse I incurred during the darkest times of my past. I wasn’t alone that night. Someone was by my side, held my hand, and wept with me. As I spoke the pain of what was done to Jesus on that cross, where He bore it all and took it upon Himself, I heard Him say, “I have always loved you with an everlasting love.”

I have now been living a life of sobriety for over four years by the grace of God. Jesus is now the One who fills up every broken, empty place with the gift of the Holy Spirit residing in me. Drugs and alcohol were once the lingering effects of the devastation from trauma of sexual abuse and assault. A cleansing love of Jesus Christ like I have never experienced before now resides in my heart. The Lord delivered me from the debilitating fear of men that plunged me into having gay relationships. The love for my ex was and is real, but it is different now as the Lord is the love of my life. I am no longer fearful of men or living a past life of homosexuality. I have been set free by the precious blood of Jesus.

Jesus said to the people who believed in Him, “You are truly My disciples if you remain faithful to My teachings. And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” [John 8:31-32 NLT] The truth is, real love is only found in Jesus.

I now have been sharing God’s story of love and redemption to help others find the hope and freedom that I so desperately needed. The Lord has opened the door to share my story in many churches, and with Celebrate Recovery, a podcast, YouTube, and via radio. I sponsor and mentor others as I have been, and continue to be. I teach God’s word, lead small group, and serve as a Celebrate Recovery leader and a Justice Ambassador for Prison Fellowship. My story, “Breaking Free”, is published in a compilation book, Faith and Freedom. I am blessed to have some of my articles published in Arise Daily, Leading Hearts Magazine, and on my blog. I write about hard stuff that is hidden and bring it into the light to help others benefit from what God has brought me through. I facilitate a safe ministry group where others can come together and share true stories to bring hope and help others. In February I was on a panel discussing sexuality and finding hope and freedom highlighting God’s love for the Arise Esther Virtual Conference. I am looking forward to sharing my testimony with Freedom March in the months ahead. All of this is made possible by the love, redemption, and transformation that Jesus provided through the cross.

I have started the process of writing my own book. The Lord has put a deep passion in my heart to see others set free, and I stand in Christ’s authority on a mission to win souls for the Kingdom of God. He has told me to clear my stuff out and make the light load, wait on Him, and be ready to go. I’m listening to Him. I say, Yes Lord, Your will, Your way.

You can read Dawn’s blog here: www.dawnlynnmann.com/feed

You can access Dawn’s Facebook group here: www.facebook.com/groups/bondagefree

© 2021 Dawn Lynn Mann. Printed in the Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. newsletter with permission.