When Your Spiritual Giant Falls
/Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in helping men and women overcome unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.
Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!”
2 Samuel 12:7a NIV
David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”
2 Samuel 12:13a NIV
I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be living in Israel during the days before and after King David fell. Israel was victorious over all her enemies and the people prospered. They loved their king. How could the man who brought the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem and instituted day and night worship be the same man that committed adultery with Bathsheba and killed her faithful warrior-husband to cover up his own sin? In the months that followed, David’s family fell into chaos with incest, murder, and his own son stealing the throne. The people wept as David fled Jerusalem with his head covered in shame (2 Samuel 15). David’s sins didn’t just hurt those he sinned against, they hurt those who looked to him for leadership.
Sound familiar? My heart has been heavy as many in the church have been weeping over the recent allegations of sexual misconduct by yet another man of God who appeared to accomplish much for the Kingdom. My heart is breaking for the brave souls who have shared their experiences of abuse, and so many others who have dedicated years of their lives serving the Lord in this organization. The fallout continues months after the first allegations were made public, and new allegations continue to be presented. The actions of the organization itself have been called into question.
Maybe you or someone you love has been affected by the moral failure of a trusted leader. It is important to give grace for the emotional turmoil you may be experiencing as you work though the emotional upheaval that these situations create. You may be sorting through the emotional rubble and trying to figure out which of the leader’s teachings are still valid, and what was influenced and/or corrupted by his or her sin. You may be asking yourself how you could have been so “stupid” as to not see through the perpetrator’s façade. You may be asking yourself why you I allowed yourself to ignore the red flags and warning signs that you or your friends noticed through the years. So many questions… How can a person that spends so many hours praying each day be so deceptive? How could someone look us in the face and preach holiness and devotion so effectively for years and be so steeped in sin? Give yourself grace. Those questions and feelings are normal in times of heartbreak and betrayal.
No matter what our leaders have done, Jesus is still faithful and true! Holiness is still important. Surrender to Christ is still important. Sexual purity is still important. Likely, much of what our fallen leaders have taught is correct. When Nehemiah went to Jerusalem to rebuild the city walls, he went out at night with a few trusted men and surveyed the broken-down walls. He had to take an honest look through the rubble to see what was still good, what needed to be repaired, and what things were so broken that they needed to be thrown out. He had to see what new materials had to be brought in. You may be in a similar situation. You’re standing in a pile of spiritual debris trying to figure out what is still good, what needs to be repaired, and what needs to be thrown out. I’ve been there. The process is excruciating, but it is essential. Done the right way, the process is redemptive.
You will likely have some challenges as you rebuild. You may be angry at God. Why didn’t He warn you about this person? Why did He let this sin go on for so many years? Why did He use such a sinful person to do such amazing things for the body of Christ? I’m not sure we can really come up with good answers to questions like this. I’m still trying to figure out why Jesus allowed Judas to be one of His disciples. Judas not only saw signs and wonders, he performed miracles himself. This same Judas ended up betraying Jesus with a kiss and turned Him over to those who would crucify Him. Surely, Jesus could have come up with a better plan for our salvation that didn’t involve betrayal by a trusted ministry leader. For some reason… He didn’t. Jesus knows what it is like to betrayed by a trusted ministry leader. He is our great high priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). Instead of turning away from the Lord, hide away with Him. Seek His presence. Dig into the Bible. Pray. Even if the only prayer you can utter is, “God, help.”
Resist the urge to turn your heart off to other church members and leaders. As risky as it is, we still need each other. Maybe that’s why Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to neglect gathering together. Although we have been wounded by broken people in the body of Christ, much healing comes as we find healing through the grace and love of God expressed through His faithful people in the body of Christ. If you’ve lost the support of your faith community, give yourself some time to seek out a healthy community of believers. It is worth the risk. We need friends who can help us in our brokenness. Friends who can sit with us in our pain, listen to our hearts without judgement, and walk with us to Jesus. If we have been abused, we need the courage to tell our story to trustworthy people who can help us in our healing journey. Safe, godly people are out there.
Another challenge many of us face in the aftermath of the moral failure of a Christian leader is the temptation to give in to our own temptations. This may be especially true if the leader chose to give into the very temptations you are trying to fight. Maybe you used his teachings as an encouragement to pursue holiness, sexual purity, sobriety, or full surrender. Regardless of the leader’s decision to give in to his or her sin, holiness, sexual purity, sobriety, and full surrender are important pursuits. Do your best to live for Jesus, walk in humility, and do what is right. Don’t let bitterness lead you into sin.
Give yourself time. You may find yourself walking through the seven stages of the grief cycle – shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. Not everyone experiences all seven stages, and they aren’t necessarily linear. This is where a trusted friend and/or professional can help you. Keep in mind that your healing must be separate from the response of the perpetrator and independent from the response and actions of the organization. On a human level, their repentance and amends could potentially make our healing easier, but it isn’t essential. Sometimes perpetrators aren’t repentant and organizations don’t always do the right thing. Our healing does not come from the repentance of those who wounded us. Our healing comes from the Lord as we open our hearts to Him. Open your heart to the Lord and bring your pain to Him. He came to heal the broken hearted and set the captive free (Luke 4:18). He came to heal you.
Finally, resolve that no matter what anyone else does, you are going to seek God’s grace to love and follow Him with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength (Luke 10:27). Continue to develop a deeper relationship with Christ and walk towards your calling. He will complete the good work that He started in you.
This article only scratches the surface of the emotional toll and the healing process when we are wounded by a trusted leader. You can read more articles about healing from spiritual abuse and sexual abuse at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.
Photo of woman courtesy of Kevin Turcios via www.unsplash.com. Photo of man surveying tornado damage courtesy of Chandler Cruttenden via www.unsplash.com.
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