Stepping Out of Isolation: Learning from the Relationships of Jesus
/Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in helping men and women overcome sexual brokenness, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. More articles and testimonies of overcomers are available on the Reconciliation Ministries website at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.
“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”
John 13:34-35 NLT
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Many of us who came out of sexual brokenness have a difficult time developing healthy friendships. Those who came out of same-sex attraction may wrestle with insecurity and find it difficult to relate to those of the same sex as a friend rather than an attraction. Others have used heterosexual porn for so long that they find it difficult to step out of the porn induced isolation to embrace the challenges of becoming known. Many of us didn’t learn to be open and honest in the relationships we did have. Maybe our friends didn’t really know the whole story of our lives. They didn’t know we had a dark side... maybe they were a part of that dark side.
So where do we start? We can learn about developing healthy relationships by looking at the different levels of intimacy in the relationships that Jesus had. Before we do that, we need to clarify how we’re using the word “intimacy”. In our brokenness, many of us have corrupted that word and equated it solely with sex; however, there are many forms of intimacy. Dictionary.com defines intimacy in a range from “a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group” to “sexual intercourse” [https://www.dictionary.com/browse/intimacy]. In the context of this article, we are using the word intimacy to describe a variety of interactions with people ranging from very casual with limited interaction, to a very close level of Christian fellowship with a deep level of trust, commitment, and vulnerability. Sexual intimacy would only be applicable for those who are in the deepest level of relationship within the marriage covenant.
Jesus had relationships on different levels, each with a different degree of intimacy. To begin with, He ministered to the multitudes. They knew his overall teachings, but they didn’t know the deep areas of His heart. His interactions with the multitude were likely on a practical and instructional level. From the multitudes, Jesus had a group of 70 disciples [Some manuscripts say 72.] that He trained and sent out for ministry [Luke 10:1-20]. We see a deeper level of intimacy developing here. While He spoke in parables to the multitudes knowing that they wouldn’t understand the meanings, He explained the parables to His disciples [Matthew 13:10-16]. From the 70, He chose twelve disciples for an even deeper level of relationship and training. With the twelve, Jesus shared more of His heart and mission than with the others. Jesus then continues to deepen His intimacy and level of disclosure with a more specific group of three disciples; Peter, James, and John. Unlike the others, they were with Him on the Mount of Transfiguration [Matthew 17:1-9] and saw Him raise Jairus’ daughter from the dead [Mark 5:21-43]. He trusted them not to tell anyone else about these events until after He rose from the dead [Matthew 17:9, Mark 5:43]. Jesus shared more of His personal struggle with them in the Garden of Gethsemane as He called them to follow Him deeper into the garden than the others [Matthew 26:36-38]. And finally, from the three disciples who were closest to Jesus, He had John, the disciple whom He loved [John 21:20-24]. It is interesting at the Last Supper, as Jesus was explaining that one of the disciples would betray Him, Peter motioned to John, who was leaning on Jesus’ chest, to ask Him specifically who the betrayer was. Peter could have asked Jesus himself, but he knew that John was the one who could ask Jesus this level of information and receive an answer. Jesus actually did answer John as He dipped a piece of bread and gave it to Judas [John 13:26].
So how do we translate Jesus’ relationships onto our own relationships? We’ll use both a church setting, and a recreational interest or hobby. We all have our multitude – those we work with and those who are in our community settings. We interact with these people and share some generic information on occasion, but we don’t share important information with them. Out of these people, we have our “70”. They may go to the same church as us, or share the same hobby as us. We might share more general information about ourselves as we engage in those activities together, but we don’t share vulnerable information about ourselves. From the “70” we have our “twelve”. Not only do these people attend the same church as us, they are also in our small group or recovery group. In our small groups we begin to share more vulnerable personal information than we would in the larger groups. There is a deeper level of trust that this information will be held in confidence and not shared outside the group. As we become more familiar with the members of a special interest group practicing the same hobby together, we may begin to share more of our personal information as our level of comfort increases, but we still withhold our most personal information. As we continue to engage with our “twelve”, we may find a few members within those groups with whom we begin to develop an even deeper bond. They become our “three”. With them, we develop a deeper trust that allows for some of the deepest levels of disclosure and vulnerability. They know our deepest hopes, dreams, and challenges. They know our failures and our victories. They have permission to speak into the deepest areas of our lives and challenge us when we are falling short. Finally, out of our “three” we develop our “one”. This is the one person on earth that we trust in the deepest levels of our hearts. In the spiritual realm, this is the relationship that we should have with Jesus. In the earthly realm, for those who are married, this is the relationship that we should have with our spouse. For those who are not married, this is the relationship we have with the one friend that God has given us to invite into the deepest level of trust and intimacy.
Developing healthy relationships takes a lot of time. It is important to note that the numbers in our examples are just for reference. We may not have a group of twelve good friends, a group of three best friends, or that one best friend; but the numbers help us understand the concept. How do we even begin to apply Jesus’ model of relationships to our own lives? We’ll look at some more practical tips in a future newsletter. For now, we can start by recognizing who we are in Christ. We aren’t defined by our past or current struggles. We are beloved sons and daughters of the Father in Heaven. As we learn to interact out of our true identity in Christ, we can begin to develop a confidence to embrace the challenges of engaging with others on a personal level. We won’t click with everyone. We may reach out to some people who won’t respond. We can remind ourselves who we are in Christ during the challenges and receive His grace to keep trying. As we continue to reach out and work on building healthy relationships, our efforts will be rewarded.
Pray for the Lord’s help as you look around your “70” for some people that share common interests. Join a small group at church. If you like cooking or photography, sign up for a church or community group that focuses on those things. Out of that group you can begin to notice who you seem to relate to easier than the others. Consider inviting that person or people to get together outside the group. When you do, you can learn more about the relationship by sharing a little bit more of your personal information and see how the other person or people respond. Not everyone will make the transition from your “70” to your “12”. If the person seems to respond well to your openness and shares more of their own heart, you can continue to build the relationship over time. If the person doesn’t seem to respond well to your invitation to grow the relationship deeper, don’t try to force deeper intimacy. Recognize it for what it is and continue to interact with them as part of your “70” when appropriate. Remember, developing healthy relationships takes time. Resist the urge to force the relationship to grow deep too quickly. As you grow your relationships with your “twelve”, prayerfully ask the Lord to help you develop your group of “three”, and trust Him to help you grow in your relationship with your “one”.
Photo is of a model and used under license with shutterstock.com. © 2025 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.