A Mother on Her Knees

Cassie has been a precious friend of Reconciliation Ministries for many years. She and her husband, Larry, serve on the Reconciliation Ministries Living Waters team, and coordinate a second Living Waters program in Lake Orion. Cassie has experienced the depths of despair, and the great love of our Heavenly Father. Her life is a wonderful testimony of the grace, redemption, and transformational power of Jesus Christ.

“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
Ezekiel 36:25-26 NIV

www.shutterstock.com

At sixteen years old, I did not feel ready to be a mother, but the thought of abortion never crossed my mind. I knew that couples with empty arms would want to adopt and love my baby.

I was more than 2,300 miles from home and cut off from things like family, love, and security. I did not know who the father might be, but it was comforting to imagine my baby’s wonderful new family. I was trapped in the world of sex trafficking and knew that I had nothing good to offer, except a chance at love, far away from me.

I told my pimp that I was pregnant, certain that he would agree with my plan. His words surprised me: “Get rid of it.” The argument for my little one escalated into violence, and I agreed to abort. Yet, I had no intention to follow through with it. He had promised to kill my family if I ever left him, but I had to take the chance that it was an idol threat. I was certain that a church could help.

My childhood had been filled with wonderful memories of pastors and church members ever present at difficult, joy filled, and in between times. I passed several each day as I worked the streets, and with great hope, I entered one. I thought aloud, “Now, I can have my baby, leave this horrible life, and maybe even return home with a pastor’s help.” I was shaking with fear, relief, excitement, and the most courage I had been able to muster in a long time.

I was not really prepared for the answer I received. It was quite the same at three churches. They could not help. My pimp had told me that I was completely unlovable, even by God, and the same was true for my baby. It was crushing to think that this might be true.

I returned, telling him that I had the abortion, but I secretly waited and hoped for another way out. At 5½ months, he saw that I was still pregnant. He threw me down and stomped my little baby with his boot, then he took me to a late term abortion clinic to finish the job.

The sorrow that came over me after that is difficult to describe. I could not speak. I just wept for days. The sadness was so heavy that I felt that if I slept, I would never wake up. The cruelty of my owner and my inconsolable grief prompted a drug dealer and some other prostitutes, that I knew, to arrange my escape. Their kindness could not make my tears stop. From that time on, I identified as a dead soul.

One year later, I was pregnant again. This time was different. I was home with my family, and I knew who the father was. He, too, insisted on abortion and another argument turned violent, but by this time I did not really care. It was as if the mother heart that God had given me was really dead. I had every opportunity to save this baby, but I did not. People offered me generous help and support. Even my mother, suspecting that I was pregnant, reached out with a plea for life. My soul seemed dead, indeed, and my body, still a grave. No tears for this little one.

My healing journey was not intentional, but my Heavenly Father arranged for it just the same. I no longer called on Him, or had any hope of a walk with Him, but He still fought for me. It started with unexpected tears. Not long after the second abortion, a new mother invited me to a church event. She handed her baby to me so she could use the restroom. She returned several minutes later to take the baby. Tears kept falling for a number of days after that. I could not say why. I decided that I must not like babies.

A few years later my husband and I were hoping to start a family. The two unsuccessful months brought such unbearable sorrow, rage, and a fear that I would not ever conceive. My older sister came into town to stay with me because I was so sad. I would have never imagined that this deep sorrow had anything to do with my abortions.

We were soon thrilled with a positive pregnancy test. While I maintained a vehement “pro-choice” position, I looked forward to motherhood. I had no idea that God had planned to remove my heart of stone and give me a new heart. I also could not have known how much this would hurt.

www.shutterstock.com

In the Spring of 1988, everything would change. We were so very blessed with a healthy son. When the doctor laid him in my arms, all I could say is, “Oh, my God, what have I done?” I said this over and over, as I looked at this precious new life, realizing that I could have aborted him too.

In desperation, I called a cousin of mine from my hospital bed. He was one of those “terrible pro-lifers” that I argued with. I asked him to please help me because I did not know what to do. He put me to work in the pro-life movement, which seemed to me like a good way to try to “work-off” what I had done.

Yet, it was not long before I came across pictures of what abortion actually looks like. I also learned early that all the work, even in the pro-life movement, did not remedy what ached in my heart. I wanted to die in the most brutal and violent way. After confronting the reality of abortion, I lost hope again and could not face God. I could not even pray.

Two beautiful pro-life women that I met reached out to me, explaining that they, too, were post-abortion mothers. They were leaders in a healing ministry that dealt with this. The fact that I did not pray did not matter to them, because they were women of deep faith and prayer.

When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic,
“My son, your sins are forgiven.”
Mark 2:5 MOUNCE

Cassie shines brightly for Jesus and helps othes experience His merciful healing.

The Heavenly Father had been making a way for me. These women walked with me and showed me the power of prayer. During this season I found forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation with God. I also joined my husband’s church, which still blesses me.

Two years later, my older sister lost her first baby to miscarriage and her second to full term still birth. She wanted me to come and stay with her. I still had some shame when I thought about how differently each of our first two children died. I went anyway, because she needed me, but I could not imagine why. While I was there, she told me that she knew that I could understand her grief because she saw what I went through. She desperately needed what God had done for me, so we prayed, and we waited.

Again, He was faithful in bringing good out of unspeakable sorrow, restoring joy, and giving peace that passes all understanding. Many years, many children, and many grandchildren later, His loving presence remains.

For mothers, fathers, and any loved ones who grieve the loss of a child through abortion, He loves you.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 ESV

Call on Him. He answers with a love that changes everything.

If you or someone you love is experiencing the pain of abortion, reach out to Reconciliation Ministries for help. Call us today at 586.739.5114. Let us walk with you to Jesus.

Photos of sad girl and woman with newborn used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2024 Cassie Giroux. This article was printed with the express permission of Cassie Giroux

A Captive Set Free - Cassie Giroux

Cassie has been a valuable member of the Living Waters ministry team for many years.  She and her husband, Larry, serve on the Reconciliation Ministries Living Waters team, and coordinate a second Living Waters program near Oakland University. Cassie has experienced the depths of despair, and the great love of our Heavenly Father. Her life is a wonderful testimony of the grace, redemption, and transformational power of Jesus Christ. This article shares her personal experience as a human trafficking survivor, and her reaction to the movie, The Sound of Freedom.

“He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives.”

Luke 4:18b CSB

There was a strange quiet walking out of the movie, Sound of Freedom.  Fourteen of us from my family went and we are not usually quiet.  We drove several cars, but my ride home was marked by complete silence.  I am not sure what everyone was thinking.  I thought that the producers handled a devastating topic with prudence, while bringing stark awareness to an unknown reality that traps so many people.  I could not help but think back to when I was 15 years old and got sucked into the undercurrent of human trafficking.

My childhood home was a joyful place in many respects.  My stepdad married my mom just before I turned three.  She and I were baptized, which brought the happiness of faith, church attendance and regular prayer into my life.  Everything was better with my stepdad, except for the continued involvement with the sexual predators on my mom’s side of the family.       

My older sister said that the sexual abuse started for me when I was still in diapers.  She hid in fear of these relatives, but I sought them out.  I enjoyed the sexual attention, along with the cigarettes, drugs and alcohol that followed as I got a little older.  It was a double life for me early on, as I was drawn to this wickedness, while treasuring the good from my new dad.

They often said, “Don’t tell your mom or dad or they will kill me.”  It is cruel to burden a child with a violation and the task of protecting the violator.  This severed my heart from the love of my parents and my church, as I kept silent. 

By the time I was 12 years old, drug and alcohol abuse was a regular part of my life.  My parents left no stone unturned trying to find help for me.  At 14, they learned about a “treatment” center through a nearby church.  This church endorsement was what my parents needed to cement their trust.  They were unaware of the brutality and deceitfulness of those people.

I was taken 275 miles south to a warehouse.  I would spend over 100 hours a week locked in that building and several hours each night locked in a foster/host home.  Over the next 17 months I stayed at 27 different homes.

As a result of my first two escapes, I met men who offered shelter and understanding.  It was as if they waited in the downtown plaza to help kids like me.  This was my first introduction to sexual slavery and the making of violent porn.  The silence that had concealed the shock, pain, sorrow, and shame of sexual abuse remained.  On both occasions, I was arrested and returned to the torture of the warehouse.  The third escape would be my last.

Returning home was not an option, because my parents did not believe the many stories of abuse within the warehouse.   My travels covered 4,223 miles, in the dark underside of many cities where people are bought and sold.  I could not help but be grateful while watching Sound of Freedom that I was not a little child like those in the movie, but I have seen this on our own soil.  I have seen little children torn from their parents to satisfy sinful appetites and perversions.  Parents were taken to sweatshops or farms unless the mother could be used in other ways.

My heart breaks when reading the attacks on this movie, calling it a “conspiracy theory.”  How I wish that were true.  That my young life was only a bad dream, along with so many others.  People have told me as much.  I often wondered why no one came to help.  Why did these men, many of whom were husbands, fathers, and brothers, not offer help?  Why did they not call the authorities or ask where my parents were?  Instead, they took another piece of me away and returned to their lives.

One of my owners tried to explain this to me.  He wrote on my heart like it was a blank slate.  Some of the things that he said stayed with me for many years.  His lies “helped me” to make sense of things.  “You save marriages and protect young girls from sexual abuse because you are not a person.  If they did this to a real person, it would be wrong, but you are a machine made for sex.”  He also told me that I would never see my family again, never marry or have children, and that I would die young.  When I could no longer hide that I did in fact become a mother, the child in my womb was stomped by his boot heel.  My body had become a tomb.

As the hours and days passed, marked by disintegration and terrible aloneness, it felt as if I was getting farther and farther from home, and any hope of ever returning.  It seemed nothing was left of me to return home anyway.  I was a shell.  When I started out, I kept count of my sexual partners.  I am not sure why, but it seemed important.  I lost track in the 400’s when I realized that it did not matter; I did not matter.

Our Heavenly Father was not going to let the enemy have the last word in my heart.  “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18.

I was in Las Vegas, working long hours for gun toting thugs like those depicted in the movie, and God parted the waters for me.  The story of my escape will not fit in this article, but I declare that our God is faithful, true, and His love is powerful!  I returned to my family at 17 years old.  They did not send me back to the warehouse.  Several months later, my mom found a church with a 12-step recovery meeting, and I went.

Fast forward to 2012.  I was married for 26 years to a good man, the mother of 14 wonderful children, a grandmother, active in church, and 27 years clean and sober.  Something else happened that year; my stepdad adopted me.  I was 45 years old and was thankful for my new life.  Our generous Father let my heart be turned upside down until I could not take the pain anymore.  This all seemed so ridiculous, like I should be past this, stronger than this, not to mention grateful.  Somehow, God was calling me to bring Him my secret darkness and to receive my inheritance as His beloved daughter.

In my quiet search for the cheapest Christian counselor, I stumbled onto Dan Hitz at Reconciliation Ministries.  I was embarrassed even to call.  I thought this sort of thing demonstrated a lack of faith and a terrible character deficit.  Not the first time I was wrong, and I am sure it has not been the last. God’s loving hand was parting more waters, making way for more freedom. After about six sessions, Dan released me and recommended Living Waters. I was not sure about gathering and working with people from different churches, but I trusted Dan.  That was an act of God because I usually trusted no one.  I went through two sessions as a participant and then was invited onto their team.  I am still there, because there is nothing quite like the sound of chains breaking, The Sound of Freedom!

Words cannot express the change and healing that have come to my heart, and to my whole family.  God’s word, His power, and His love have taken on new meaning for me.  Very deep wounds have become trophies of grace.  He really is kind and merciful!

 "What I tell you in the dark, utter in the light; and what you hear whispered, proclaim upon the house tops."

Matthew 10:27 RSV

Cassie speaking at an overcoming Strongholds seminar in 2020.

When I think of my future, I think of the house top. I spent so many years identifying as a "freak of nature," and I am finished with enemy’s lies over my identity.  My heart breaks for others when I see this prison, the enemy narrative, stealing and destroying every good thing.  I will speak louder, I will speak the Word of God, the power of His love to change everything. Jesus purchased me with His blood, and I praise Him and thank Him, out loud with my eyes fixed on Him.

If you have been objectified and abused by human trafficking, there is freedom and restoration in Jesus.  His love can heal you and He uses the people who serve Him.  There are hotlines for current victims and help from law enforcement.  I was set free from the foul residue years later by the prayer ministry at Reconciliation Ministries and Desert Stream/Living Waters.  God has servants everywhere. Find Him, find them; find them, find Him. He has not forsaken you, He never will.

 “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

John 8:36 ESV

 If you or someone you love needs help, call the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888.373.7888, or visit them online at www.humantraffickinghotline.org.

You can also text 233733.

                    Photo of sad girl and woman on bed used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2023 Cassie Giroux. This article was printed with the express permission of Cassie Giroux.

at www.mendingthesoul.org. A workbook is available.

When Healing Hurts: Ministering to Sex Trafficking Survivors

Katrina's Mission is about abolishing sex trafficking in the city of Detroit and restoring hope to survivors through the love of God. In this article, she shares insights about those who are trafficked, as well as some of the challenges survivors face in their recovery process. 

 The LORD builds up Jerusalem; He gathers the exiles of Israel, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:2-3 NIV

There are so many in this world who are hurting and broken. Each one of us goes through trials. While this is true, the path to healing is different based on the trauma that was endured. I have the privilege of helping to bring healing and wholeness to women that have been rescued from human trafficking.

Katrina and her team regularly minister to trafficking victims on the streets.

Before we get into the healing, I want to clear up a common misconception about human trafficking. In the four years that I have worked with survivors and listened to their stories I have never heard any of them say that they were abducted. Each woman that I have spoken to has had some type of “relationship” with their trafficker. Social media is typically the platform that the trafficker uses. In this day and age, we generally post everything about our lives. This is what the traffickers look for. They scour and search for the vulnerable. They will then befriend and earn their trust. The traffickers are very skilled at what they do. In only a matter of days they will have earned your trust, convinced you that they have a better life for you, and that they love you. This is one of the reasons that most women have a difficult time leaving and healing. They feel they made the initial choice to be with their trafficker, so now they deserve what they get.

The road to healing begins with breaking down and rebuilding. You have to break down all the lies that they believe. Examples of this are “I deserve this,” “nobody will ever want me again because I'm dirty,” “this is all that I have to offer,” and “I am worthless”. These are just a few of the lies that have been embedded into them. There is also a deep fear instilled in them. Fear that the trafficker will find them. Fear they will be beaten again or even killed. These were not idle threats. Most of the women have been beaten and brutally raped to force them into submission. Once you can break down the fear and lies, you can help replace them with truth. Truth about who God says they are. Truth about the fact that one choice should not define us for the rest of our lives.

The next part of healing is to break the trauma bond. A trauma bond is a lot like Stockholm syndrome. In the beginning of the “relationship” they felt like there was a connection with the other person and they were falling in love with them. They had begun dreaming of what their future would be. When they realize that this is not the case they begin to look to their trafficker as their protector. Although he may abuse her, she is under the illusion that he won’t let anyone else hurt her. This connection is so strong that even when she does get beaten or raped by another person she does not feel that he let her down.

Stock photo courtesy of Eric Ward via www.unsplash.com.

Once you have gotten her to this point of healing, she is now able to begin the deepest part of healing. Healing what was initially broken within her to make her vulnerable in the first place. By this time that initial trauma is buried so deeply within that it is extremely painful and uncomfortable to deal with. This is when many of the women will return to the streets. The process of healing is a whole new pain that they don’t know what to do with. Therefore, they return to the streets because it’s a predictable pain. Healing from this type of trauma isn’t linear. There isn’t a straight line that will take them from broken to healed. It is a process. It takes time. It takes love. It takes those who are willing to walk beside them, pick them up when they fall and encourage them along the long and winding road. I think one of the hardest parts of working with these women is giving them the freedom to give up on their healing. You can’t force someone to forgive themselves, to believe in themselves, or to complete the healing process. All you can do is plant seeds of faith, hope and love.

Stock photo courtesy of Kelly Sikkema via www.unsplash.com.

The last stage of the healing process is helping her to create new “normals”. Our goal is to equip the women to be self-confident and independent. This comes in the form of teaching them how to make their beds, clean the house and do laundry. They will also have to learn how to create a grocery list and then go grocery shopping. The women go to church and a weekly Bible study to learn who they are in Christ. The women are given a stipend so they can learn how to budget and save money. Many of the women have had all of their identifications stolen. We help them get their birth certificates, social security cards and a state ID. Once they have proper identification they can choose to continue their education or learn a trade. These survivors are some of the bravest women I have ever known.

Katrina is a credentialed missionary who has worked with Elli's House 313 for the last three years, ministering to trafficked women still on the street as well as rehabilitating women rescued from sex trafficking. It is Katrina's passion to see the broken hearted be healed, to proclaim freedom to those in captivity, and show those bound in shame and despair that there is a Savior who sees them, and has loved them every moment of their lives since He first formed them in the womb.

If you'd like to partner with Katrina in offering these beautiful women beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, you can visit https://giving.ncsservices.org/App/Giving/ncs-3761 and choose Katrina Kalinowski from the drop down menu.

Follow her mission on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/Katrinas-Mission-101377431259729/?ref=page_internal

Follow her on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/katrinasmission/

© 2022 Katrina Kalinowski. This article was printed by Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. with permission.