Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, a member ministry of the Restored Hope Network dedicated to bringing freedom to men, women, and adolescents struggling with sexual and relationship issues. For more information contact Reconciliation Ministries at 586.739.5114, or visit us on the web at www.recmin.org.

For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

Psalm 139:13-14

Those verses were intended to give us comfort as we realize the great attention to detail that Lord used to lovingly put us together in our mother’s womb. For those of us who grew up in a dysfunctional family, those verses may bring up different emotions altogether. We may wonder why the Lord “chose to put us in that specific womb”. Far from feeling good about ourselves as the Lord’s creation, our negative upbringing can make us feel like damaged goods.

Erik Erikson is a developmental psychologist famous for identifying the stages of psychosocial development. His theory basically describes God’s intent for the role that parents and other significant people play in our emotional and social development. Unfortunately in this fallen world, not all of us have grown up with a healthy mother and father. Not all of us have gone through childhood and adolescence with a healthy connection to our peers. If that is the case in your life, the Lord can heal the emotional wounds inflicted through the things you have experienced. He can also heal the wounds you’ve endured because the nurturing and care that you were supposed to receive didn’t happen. Psalm 27:10 reads, “When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” God can heal the hurts in your heart and fill the emotional voids.

A brief exploration of God’s intended role for our parents and peers will help you understand where you need the Holy Spirit to touch your heart. Our relationship with our mother is the most important relationship that we have when we are born. Mothers are intended by God to give us a sense of being – a sense that it’s okay to be alive and that we have value. Mom’s nurture us. When we are hungry they feed us. When we mess our diapers, they change us. We learn from them that our lives are celebrated and that we will be well cared for.

After we learn to crawl and walk, we look beyond mother to our father. Fathers are intended by God to help us learn to explore the world and take the initiative to try new things. They are also designed by God to encourage us to grow into the identity and purpose that He created us to have. Dads empower us to become established in this world and succeed. Little girls learn what it means to be female through their mothers, while little boys learn what it means to be male from their fathers.

As we enter school, the next important relationships we have are with our same-gender peers. At this stage boys usually think girls have “cooties” and girls may think boys are a bit nasty. This is a normal stage of development. Little boys learn how to relate to other little boys as they interact and play together. It works the same for girls. We learn that we are a good and acceptable little boy or girl as we fit in well with other little boys or girls.

As we gain confidence in our own gender peer group, we then begin to reach out to the other gender and learn how to relate to them. Boys notice that the girls lose their cooties and are becoming attractive. Girls notice that the boys aren’t so nasty after all. Confidence in who we are as a person continues to grow as we establish healthy relationships with the opposite sex.

God intends our emotional and relational development to continue throughout our lives as we enter into committed relationships, begin our families, and relate to others in our community. Many of us have not had the ideal development and growth described in this article. A problem at any stage of development will create challenges in the future stages. Fortunately, the Lord has taken that into account and has made provision for our emotional healing on the cross. We can take comfort in the verse that was referenced earlier in this article which reads, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” When Jesus began His ministry, He read out of the book of Isaiah where it says, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted…” (Luke 4:18-19). In the original language, the phrase “brokenhearted” refers to shards of glass like when you break a mirror. Jesus was saying that He was sent by the Father to heal the “shards of glass” – the fragments of our heart – from emotional trauma and neglect. We find in Jesus a loving Savior who is willing to hear our prayers, heal our emotional wounds, and fill the voids in our hearts with His presence.

If you’ve grown up without the kind of nurturing that God designed you to have, spend time in prayer and share your hurts with Him. Recognizing our areas of deep need is a first step in overcoming our mother and father wounds. Be honest about your pain. Ask Him to teach you to recognize His healing presence and to heal your heart. As you work through the various areas of need in your heart, you may recognize pockets of hidden anger. It is important for your own personal growth to learn to forgive those who have wounded you. Forgiveness is more for your sake, than for the sake of those who have offended you. Your offender may be totally unaware that he or she has wounded you, or he or she may actually be glad that you were wounded. We live in a very fallen world. Harboring anger and resentment will only serve to hinder you, keep you bound to your wounds, and give your offender the victory. Forgiveness sets you free. Ask the Lord to help you release your anger and resentment to Him and allow Him to deal with those who have hurt you. Your offender and your wounds will lose their power as you experience the healing power of Christ.

Sometimes when we are sinned against, we respond with sinful reactions. Ask the Lord to show you the areas in your own life where you have responded to your pain in sinful ways. When He does, repent and seek to make amends where appropriate. In walking away from our sin we find a deeper capacity to receive God’s love and walk in deeper relationships with others in the Body of Christ. In addition to friends, we all need others who are more mature than us and have journeyed successfully through some of life’s difficult pathways. Ask the Lord to send you a safe, Christian mentor to walk with you and help you in your journey. Your pastor, a recovery group, or the pastoral care department at your church may be a good place to start. No pastor or mentor can become the long-lost mother of father that you never had, but he or she can share his or her experience with you as you both walk towards Jesus together.

As you follow these steps in your journey, you will begin to experience the fulfillment of the verse, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” You will grow into a beautiful relationship with God the Father where He truly will fill the voids in your heart. He longs to become the safe, loving, nurturing parent that you have always wanted.

© Reconciliation Ministries 2014. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as credit is given and no fee is charged.

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in helping men and women overcome unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!”

2 Samuel 12:7a NIV

David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”

2 Samuel 12:13a NIV

I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be living in Israel during the days before and after King David fell. Israel was victorious over all her enemies and the people prospered. They loved their king. How could the man who brought the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem and instituted day and night worship be the same man that committed adultery with Bathsheba and killed her faithful warrior-husband to cover up his own sin? In the months that followed, David’s family fell into chaos with incest, murder, and his own son stealing the throne. The people wept as David fled Jerusalem with his head covered in shame (2 Samuel 15). David’s sins didn’t just hurt those he sinned against, they hurt those who looked to him for leadership.

Sound familiar? My heart has been heavy as many in the church have been weeping over the recent allegations of sexual misconduct by yet another man of God who appeared to accomplish much for the Kingdom. My heart is breaking for the brave souls who have shared their experiences of abuse, and so many others who have dedicated years of their lives serving the Lord in this organization. The fallout continues months after the first allegations were made public, and new allegations continue to be presented. The actions of the organization itself have been called into question.

Maybe you or someone you love has been affected by the moral failure of a trusted leader. It is important to give grace for the emotional turmoil you may be experiencing as you work though the emotional upheaval that these situations create. You may be sorting through the emotional rubble and trying to figure out which of the leader’s teachings are still valid, and what was influenced and/or corrupted by his or her sin. You may be asking yourself how you could have been so “stupid” as to not see through the perpetrator’s façade. You may be asking yourself why you I allowed yourself to ignore the red flags and warning signs that you or your friends noticed through the years. So many questions… How can a person that spends so many hours praying each day be so deceptive? How could someone look us in the face and preach holiness and devotion so effectively for years and be so steeped in sin? Give yourself grace. Those questions and feelings are normal in times of heartbreak and betrayal.

No matter what our leaders have done, Jesus is still faithful and true! Holiness is still important. Surrender to Christ is still important. Sexual purity is still important. Likely, much of what our fallen leaders have taught is correct. When Nehemiah went to Jerusalem to rebuild the city walls, he went out at night with a few trusted men and surveyed the broken-down walls. He had to take an honest look through the rubble to see what was still good, what needed to be repaired, and what things were so broken that they needed to be thrown out. He had to see what new materials had to be brought in. You may be in a similar situation. You’re standing in a pile of spiritual debris trying to figure out what is still good, what needs to be repaired, and what needs to be thrown out. I’ve been there. The process is excruciating, but it is essential. Done the right way, the process is redemptive.

You will likely have some challenges as you rebuild. You may be angry at God. Why didn’t He warn you about this person? Why did He let this sin go on for so many years? Why did He use such a sinful person to do such amazing things for the body of Christ? I’m not sure we can really come up with good answers to questions like this. I’m still trying to figure out why Jesus allowed Judas to be one of His disciples. Judas not only saw signs and wonders, he performed miracles himself. This same Judas ended up betraying Jesus with a kiss and turned Him over to those who would crucify Him. Surely, Jesus could have come up with a better plan for our salvation that didn’t involve betrayal by a trusted ministry leader. For some reason… He didn’t. Jesus knows what it is like to betrayed by a trusted ministry leader. He is our great high priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). Instead of turning away from the Lord, hide away with Him. Seek His presence. Dig into the Bible. Pray. Even if the only prayer you can utter is, “God, help.”

Resist the urge to turn your heart off to other church members and leaders. As risky as it is, we still need each other. Maybe that’s why Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to neglect gathering together. Although we have been wounded by broken people in the body of Christ, much healing comes as we find healing through the grace and love of God expressed through His faithful people in the body of Christ. If you’ve lost the support of your faith community, give yourself some time to seek out a healthy community of believers. It is worth the risk. We need friends who can help us in our brokenness. Friends who can sit with us in our pain, listen to our hearts without judgement, and walk with us to Jesus. If we have been abused, we need the courage to tell our story to trustworthy people who can help us in our healing journey. Safe, godly people are out there.

Another challenge many of us face in the aftermath of the moral failure of a Christian leader is the temptation to give in to our own temptations. This may be especially true if the leader chose to give into the very temptations you are trying to fight. Maybe you used his teachings as an encouragement to pursue holiness, sexual purity, sobriety, or full surrender. Regardless of the leader’s decision to give in to his or her sin, holiness, sexual purity, sobriety, and full surrender are important pursuits. Do your best to live for Jesus, walk in humility, and do what is right. Don’t let bitterness lead you into sin.

Give yourself time. You may find yourself walking through the seven stages of the grief cycle – shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. Not everyone experiences all seven stages, and they aren’t necessarily linear. This is where a trusted friend and/or professional can help you. Keep in mind that your healing must be separate from the response of the perpetrator and independent from the response and actions of the organization. On a human level, their repentance and amends could potentially make our healing easier, but it isn’t essential. Sometimes perpetrators aren’t repentant and organizations don’t always do the right thing. Our healing does not come from the repentance of those who wounded us. Our healing comes from the Lord as we open our hearts to Him. Open your heart to the Lord and bring your pain to Him. He came to heal the broken hearted and set the captive free (Luke 4:18). He came to heal you.

Finally, resolve that no matter what anyone else does, you are going to seek God’s grace to love and follow Him with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength (Luke 10:27). Continue to develop a deeper relationship with Christ and walk towards your calling. He will complete the good work that He started in you.

This article only scratches the surface of the emotional toll and the healing process when we are wounded by a trusted leader. You can read more articles about healing from spiritual abuse and sexual abuse at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.

Photo of woman courtesy of Kevin Turcios via www.unsplash.com. Photo of man surveying tornado damage courtesy of Chandler Cruttenden via www.unsplash.com.
© 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

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