When My Mother and Father Forsake Me...

Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, a member ministry of the Restored Hope Network dedicated to bringing freedom to men, women, and adolescents struggling with sexual and relationship issues.  For more information contact Reconciliation Ministries at 586.739.5114, or visit us on the web at www.recmin.org.

For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

Psalm 139:13-14

Those verses were intended to give us comfort as we realize the great attention to detail that Lord used to lovingly put us together in our mother’s womb. For those of us who grew up in a dysfunctional family, those verses may bring up different emotions altogether. We may wonder why the Lord “chose to put us in that specific womb”. Far from feeling good about ourselves as the Lord’s creation, our negative upbringing can make us feel like damaged goods.

Erik Erikson is a developmental psychologist famous for identifying the stages of psychosocial development. His theory basically describes God’s intent for the role that parents and other significant people play in our emotional and social development. Unfortunately in this fallen world, not all of us have grown up with a healthy mother and father. Not all of us have gone through childhood and adolescence with a healthy connection to our peers. If that is the case in your life, the Lord can heal the emotional wounds inflicted through the things you have experienced. He can also heal the wounds you’ve endured because the nurturing and care that you were supposed to receive didn’t happen. Psalm 27:10 reads, “When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” God can heal the hurts in your heart and fill the emotional voids.

A brief exploration of God’s intended role for our parents and peers will help you understand where you need the Holy Spirit to touch your heart. Our relationship with our mother is the most important relationship that we have when we are born. Mothers are intended by God to give us a sense of being – a sense that it’s okay to be alive and that we have value. Mom’s nurture us. When we are hungry they feed us. When we mess our diapers, they change us. We learn from them that our lives are celebrated and that we will be well cared for.

After we learn to crawl and walk, we look beyond mother to our father. Fathers are intended by God to help us learn to explore the world and take the initiative to try new things. They are also designed by God to encourage us to grow into the identity and purpose that He created us to have. Dads empower us to become established in this world and succeed. Little girls learn what it means to be female through their mothers, while little boys learn what it means to be male from their fathers.

As we enter school, the next important relationships we have are with our same-gender peers. At this stage boys usually think girls have “cooties” and girls may think boys are a bit nasty. This is a normal stage of development. Little boys learn how to relate to other little boys as they interact and play together. It works the same for girls. We learn that we are a good and acceptable little boy or girl as we fit in well with other little boys or girls.

As we gain confidence in our own gender peer group, we then begin to reach out to the other gender and learn how to relate to them. Boys notice that the girls lose their cooties and are becoming attractive. Girls notice that the boys aren’t so nasty after all. Confidence in who we are as a person continues to grow as we establish healthy relationships with the opposite sex.

God intends our emotional and relational development to continue throughout our lives as we enter into committed relationships, begin our families, and relate to others in our community. Many of us have not had the ideal development and growth described in this article. A problem at any stage of development will create challenges in the future stages. Fortunately, the Lord has taken that into account and has made provision for our emotional healing on the cross. We can take comfort in the verse that was referenced earlier in this article which reads, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” When Jesus began His ministry, He read out of the book of Isaiah where it says, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted…” (Luke 4:18-19). In the original language, the phrase “brokenhearted” refers to shards of glass like when you break a mirror. Jesus was saying that He was sent by the Father to heal the “shards of glass” – the fragments of our heart – from emotional trauma and neglect. We find in Jesus a loving Savior who is willing to hear our prayers, heal our emotional wounds, and fill the voids in our hearts with His presence.

If you’ve grown up without the kind of nurturing that God designed you to have, spend time in prayer and share your hurts with Him. Recognizing our areas of deep need is a first step in overcoming our mother and father wounds. Be honest about your pain. Ask Him to teach you to recognize His healing presence and to heal your heart. As you work through the various areas of need in your heart, you may recognize pockets of hidden anger. It is important for your own personal growth to learn to forgive those who have wounded you. Forgiveness is more for your sake, than for the sake of those who have offended you. Your offender may be totally unaware that he or she has wounded you, or he or she may actually be glad that you were wounded. We live in a very fallen world. Harboring anger and resentment will only serve to hinder you, keep you bound to your wounds, and give your offender the victory. Forgiveness sets you free. Ask the Lord to help you release your anger and resentment to Him and allow Him to deal with those who have hurt you. Your offender and your wounds will lose their power as you experience the healing power of Christ.

Sometimes when we are sinned against, we respond with sinful reactions. Ask the Lord to show you the areas in your own life where you have responded to your pain in sinful ways. When He does, repent and seek to make amends where appropriate. In walking away from our sin we find a deeper capacity to receive God’s love and walk in deeper relationships with others in the Body of Christ. In addition to friends, we all need others who are more mature than us and have journeyed successfully through some of life’s difficult pathways. Ask the Lord to send you a safe, Christian mentor to walk with you and help you in your journey. Your pastor, a recovery group, or the pastoral care department at your church may be a good place to start. No pastor or mentor can become the long-lost mother of father that you never had, but he or she can share his or her experience with you as you both walk towards Jesus together.

As you follow these steps in your journey, you will begin to experience the fulfillment of the verse, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” You will grow into a beautiful relationship with God the Father where He truly will fill the voids in your heart. He longs to become the safe, loving, nurturing parent that you have always wanted.

© Reconciliation Ministries 2014. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as credit is given and no fee is charged.

Love Is The Answer

This newsletter was originally written by Dan Hitz for The MST Project’s Real Men Pursuing Purity Event 40 devotional booklet, The Path to Holiness, in February 2024. The MST Project is a Christian ministry committed to helping every man realize his full potential. MST stands for "Mentoring Men, Strengthening Marriages, Teaching Truth." The MST Project was founded by Christian Lenty and is an international ministry headquartered in Bangkok, Thailand. You can learn more about the MST Project at https://themstproject.com.

 “There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?”

Simon answered and said, “I suppose the one whom he forgave more.”

And He said to him, “You have rightly judged.”

Luke 7:41-43 NKJV

“The assurance of His total forgiveness of our sins through the blood of Christ means we don't have to play defensive games anymore. We don't have to rationalize and excuse our sins. We can call sin exactly what it is, regardless of how ugly and shameful it may be, because we know that Jesus bore that sin in His body on the cross.”

Jerry Bridges, The Navigators

If you’re reading this devotional it’s likely that you’ve been forgiven for a lot of bad things that have caused you much shame. The good news is that even when we were living a sinful life, God showed how much He loves us by sending His son, Jesus, to take the punishment that we deserved. (Romans 5:8) When we come to Him in repentance, He takes away our sin and invites us to live our lives in relationship with Him. He offers us the joy, peace, and fulfillment that we were looking for all along. His offer of forgiveness continues as we learn to live in relationship with Him and overcome our sin day by day. (Romans 5:1-11) The more we realize how much He has forgiven us, the more our love for Him grows. (Luke 7:36-50)

Through relationship with Jesus, we realize that the sinful things that we once thought were so valuable actually have no value. Even though our sexual sins may have felt very powerful, they actually robbed us of our strength. They put us into spiritual debt. When we turn away from our sins and ask Jesus for forgiveness, He forgives our debts and teaches us to value His ways. In relationship, He asks us to surrender the worthless things that caused us shame, and gives us things of great eternal value in their place. His love for us empowers us far more than the destructive false love of sexual sin cripples us.

Focusing on the love of Jesus and the better gifts He offers us helps us resist sin. A while ago I was looking at social media as I was getting ready to fall asleep. Temptation hit. I had a choice to make. I could surrender to the offer of a lesser pleasure that would give an immediate powerful payoff, but would bring shame and guilt; or I could look to Jesus who truly loves me and offers a much better reward for surrendering to Him. Thankfully I chose to forsake the shameful offering of sin, and embrace the Lord’s offering of peace. It was my love for Jesus and the desire to live for Him that helped me forsake sin. I got off of social media, turned on some audio Bible verses, and went to sleep. I woke the next morning to a wonderfully intimate prayer time with Jesus and could sense Him sharing powerful spiritual insights. Jesus’ love for me and my love for Him helped me turn away from the lesser action of sin and turn towards His wonderful gift of sexual purity and emotional peace. His love can help you too.

It is so much easier to walk away from something if you know what you are walking toward. Ask the Lord to help you understand His love for you and His goals for your life. As your love for Him grows, your appreciation of the value of His gifts will grow too. Focus on these things during your times of temptation. God’s love and His gifts are far more powerful than the destructive pleasure of sin.

1. Can you fully receive the love and forgiveness that Jesus offers you, or do you struggle with condemnation?

2. What has your sexual sin cost you emotionally, relationally, and experientially?

3. What has Jesus offered you in exchange for your sin?

Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan. He is an ordained minister and licensed professional counselor specializing in helping people overcome sexual brokenness, sexual abuse, and trauma. Dan has been in the ministry for over thirty years and lives with his wife, Marianne, in Metro Detroit, Michigan, USA.

Photo of man in grey hoodie courtesy of Guillaume Issaly via www.unsplash.com.

© 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

What is the MST Project?

Christian Lenty is the founder and director of The MST Project, a ministry that seeks to mentor men into a pursuit of sexual purity and greater wholeness. Christian has lived and worked in Thailand for over 22 years and resides in Bangkok with his wife. This information was taken from https://themstproject.com/about/ and reprinted with permission.

MST stands for "Mentoring Men, Strengthening Marriages, Teaching Truth." As a ministry, we seek to support men everywhere through our three initiatives, On The Street, Pathway to Purity, and Real Men Pursuing Purity. And through these three initiatives, we advocate for men pursuing purity, Biblically healthy marriages, loving and caring families, and an unwavering commitment to the truth.

The MST Project focuses on three primary initiatives: On the Street ministers to men who visit red-light districts through sidewalk conversations, 1-on-1 meetings, and online resources. Pathway to Purity provides 1-on-1 mentorship, weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly accountability, and online resources. Real Men Pursuing Purity hosts quarterly events, provides weekly connect groups and online resources. Please refer to each specific ministry page for a comprehensive overview of each of our initiatives.

We believe that God's love, mercy, and grace is for all men, in all places, and at all times. We view all men as the fathers, brothers, and sons they are and whom God cares deeply about. (Genesis 2:7, 2 Peter 3:9) All people deal with issues, but not everyone has someone to help them overcome those issues. Our heart is to be that support for men wanting to make changes in their life.

When a man invites us to be a part of his life and the struggles he is encountering, we don't run away. We listen, we offer hope, we provide practical guidance, and we share the truth. Our care for men is best demonstrated by our commitment to men.

Visit https://themstproject.com/ to learn more about online resources and support.

© 2024 The MST Project. Reprinted with permission.

But I'm not who I used to be...

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

What’s more, I am changing your name. It will no longer be Abram. Instead, you will be called Abraham, for you will be the father of many nations.

Genesis 17:5 NLT

There are times in Scripture when the Lord changes people’s names to reflect the work He is doing in their hearts. Their new name reflects their new identity. Sarai became Sarah. Jacob became Israel. Saul became Paul. There are others. These new names are a practical application of 2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” If you are in Christ, this includes you. You are a new creation. You have a new identity.

Walking this out is a process. There is tension as we live in the reality of justification, having the full righteousness of Christ applied to us through the grace and mercy of God, while living in the process of sanctification, experiencing the transformation process step by step in our lives. God no longer sees us as who we were. He sees us as He created us to be in Christ. I frequently tell my clients that our “old man”, our old sinful nature, has been crucified with Christ [Romans 6:6]; but he happens to be lying around the living room stinking the place up from time to time. Sometimes our old nature slips out and we end up acting or responding like we did in the past. This doesn’t negate the fact that we have the full righteousness of Christ. It doesn’t negate the fact that we are truly a new creation and that the old nature is gone by divine decree. However, it does illustrate the fact that sanctification is a process, and that we are learning to express our new nature more each day as we follow Christ.

One of the many challenges that many of us face in our recovery are the times when those close to us, those we hurt in the past, may continue to identify us by our old identity. It’s hard for them to see us as a new creation if they’re still recovering from the wounds we’ve inflicted on them. They may be afraid to drop their guard and trust that we are different out of fear that we will hurt them again. Sometimes we remind them of who we used to be just by being around them. It’s complicated.

During those times when people around us seem to identify us by our old name and nature, we need to remember to exercise patience and offer grace. Grace to those who were negatively affected by our behavior in the past. Grace to those who hold our old nature against us. And grace to ourselves as we continue our recovery and grow into our true identity in Christ. During those times it’s easy to get frustrated. We may even ponder giving up. Don’t. Take some time to step back and remind yourself of the new identity you have in Christ. Continue growing into the fullness of who God declares you to be. It is a process. May the Holy Spirit give you much grace in that process.

Photo of butterflies used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

What Should I Do About My Regrets?

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.
Romans 7:24-8:2 NIV

Many people say, “Live life with no regrets”. To a large degree I agree with this sentiment. We should live our lives for Christ and our behaviors and attitudes should be clear evidence of the transformational power of Jesus Christ working in our lives. However, if we’re honest with ourselves, none of us have lived our entire lives as a reflection of God’s glory. We’ve all made mistakes. We all have regrets.

We’ve all carved deep ruts in our lives. As Christians, the good news is that some of those ruts are more like virtues than ruts. The moment we come to Christ, we should start establishing deep, godly habits and patterns of true Christlikeness. Essentially, good ruts… lifestyles… virtues… Unfortunately, we also have ruts that have derailed us and have become deeply entrench negative habits and patterns. By the time we get sick of some negative ruts, we may have lived far more years of our lives than we have left. We may or may not have time to undo all of the consequences of the negative ruts while we’re still here on earth. Even if we do, it’s going to take us a lot of years and a lot of hard work to get out of the ruts. The consequences may linger.

I was at the bedside of a close family member a while ago as she passed into eternity. She knew Jesus. She had some beautiful virtues beyond that which I can ever hope to possess. She had a very difficult life. She was very faithful in some of the huge trials that came her way. She also had many huge, challenging ruts. Some through no fault of her own. Others were built slowly through years by making poor decisions. They were deep. They were pretty evident. They made parts of her life extremely difficult. Through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ she is now resting in His arms, fully loved and fully forgiven. Her decades old ruts are now a thing of the past. She is now fully transformed.

Thinking about her life caused me to focus on some of my own ruts that I’ve been wrestling with for years. Today I’m still dealing with some of the negative patterns that were present all the way back to my childhood, and some that formed in my adolescence and early adulthood. When I gave my life to Jesus, He filled in some of those ruts supernaturally. Others, He allowed to remain. Some of the ones He left I tried to avoid. Others, I kept reinforcing even though I knew I shouldn’t. Years later, as the conviction and consequences became clearer, I began to repent and work to overcome those ruts. I’m not sure I have enough years left to fully overcome some of them this side of eternity.

These are the nations that the Lord left in the land to test those Israelites who had not experienced the wars of Canaan. He did this to teach warfare to generations of Israelites who had no experience in battle.
Judges 3:1-2 NLT

The consequences of ruts don’t usually go away overnight. Jesus takes some of the earthly consequences away, but He leaves just enough that I have to continue working to overcome the ruts. I don’t see Him leaving ruts and their effects as punishment. I see them as a wise and loving Savior teaching me things I refused to learn early on. I see Him empowering me to endure and walk through the natural consequences of my ruts, as he teaches me to lean on Him for wisdom and equipping. He leads us through the process of replacing the ruts with godly virtues. In this process, we grow deeper in relationship with our Heavenly Father, and the family of God that He sends to help us in our journey.

This gets us back to the thought of regrets. Even though I do believe that we should live our lives with no regrets. I also agree with something I heard on TV a few years ago. I forget exactly who said it, but when I heard the statement, “If you don’t have any regrets you haven’t learned anything”, something clicked in my heart. Yes. We should live our lives so that we don’t have any regrets, but none of us are perfect. We will make mistakes. That is what the cross is all about. It is during those times of true conviction, sometimes even realizing the consequences of our actions, that repentance happens and change occurs. We may regret the consequences of our actions and realize the cost of our poor decisions. That brings regret. Jesus is the one who can meet us in our regrets, cleanse us of our sin, and empower us to live differently.

Regrets can also inspire us to make amends; to apologize and try to correct our mistakes and heal the relationships with those we’ve hurt. As we think about reconciling our relationships, we need to proceed prayerfully, own our part of the situation, and allow the Lord to work in the hearts of those we apologize to. Sometimes the people we’ve offended aren’t in an emotional place for us to approach them. In cases like this, we need to prayerfully repent to the Lord and trust Him to work in their hearts in His timing.

But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
1 John 1:7-9 NLT

The statement, “If you don’t have any regrets you haven’t learned anything,” touched my heart in another way. I used to struggle intensely with condemnation. I knew cognitively that Jesus cleansed me of my sin and forgave me, yet I was struggling to forgive myself. That statement refocused my thoughts on the truth that regrets mean that we realized what we did was wrong and wish we would have done something different. Going forward, we can learn how to be different… how to be better. Instead of focusing on the failure and condemnation, we need to focus on the fact that we’ve been redeemed and are being transformed. The Holy Spirit is teaching us how to live life differently. Regrets and condemnation aren’t a virtue. They are a sign that we need to acknowledge our ruts, turn to Christ, and ask Him to change our hearts.

In times of temptation, the fallout that remains from our ruts can be learning tools and reminders that what we’ve done in the past didn’t work. That can help us avoid giving into temptation. In the areas where we’re still experiencing the consequences of our ruts, we can ask the Lord for the grace to deal with our thorn in the flesh… even if we’re the ones who willingly stepped on the thorn. He is gracious. He will give us the strength to live each day for Him. He will give us the grace to overcome our ruts and regrets and turn them into virtues.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
Philippians 1:6 NLT

Photo of man courtesy of Karabo Mdluli via www.unsplash.com. Photo of woman courtesy of Getty Images via www.unsplash.com. © 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

Loving Like Jesus

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:35 NIV

Love is important. In Matthew 22:36-40, Jesus tells us that the “first and greatest commandment” is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” He then tells us that the second commandment is to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Living a life of love is extremely important to God.

Oddly enough, even most non-Christians would agree that showing love is pretty important. Both Christians and non-Christians may have problems living it out, but we know we’re supposed to. What is true love? Popular culture says we should show love by accepting everyone just as they are and celebrate their worldview and self-proclaimed identity. Essentially, celebrating “their truth”, and erasing their need to surrender their heart, mind, and soul to Jesus. I agree that we need to love those God puts in our lives whether we agree with them or not, but is accepting a misguided worldview and celebrating an identity that God didn’t give them really love? We aren’t showing true love unless we’re loving like Jesus loves.

How does Jesus show love? John 6:37 NIV reads, “All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.” Jesus truly accepts everyone who comes to Him, right where they’re at. He accepted the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. He accepted the woman caught in adultery in John 8 with the precious words, “Neither do I condemn you.” Jesus loves sacrificially. John 15:13 tells us that “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Jesus showed His ultimate love for us when He willingly surrendered His life to those who would mock, torture, and murder Him. Jesus loves us enough to pay the ultimate price for our redemption and transformation. He truly accepts anyone who comes to Him, right where they’re at. Yet, He wants more for us. He wants our hearts. He wants our lives. He wants full surrender. He showed much grace and acceptance to the woman caught in adultery when he spoke the words, “Neither do I condemn you,” and yet He also said to her, “Leave your life of sin.” True love calls us out of sin, and into the fullness of what the Father has for us.

Jesus shows us our responsibility to surrender in John 14 as He tells the disciples that He will send them the Holy Spirit. First, He gives them the instructions, “If you love me, keep my commands. [14:15], and then He gives them the promise, “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever – the Spirit of truth.” [14:16-17a] After surrender comes the beautiful promise of the Holy Spirit, followed by Jesus’ deep expression of love and belonging as He shares with the disciples that He is the vine and they are the branches. [John 15:1-17] Jesus explains part of the transformation process, the “pruning” that comes with being a part of the vine. The promises of love and joy are wrapped up in calls to obedience and loving each other. He says in verse 14, “You are my friends if you do what I command.”

Obviously, this is a tall order. No one can keep God’s commands in their own strength. Jesus isn’t looking for Pharisaical legalism, He’s looking for a willing heart. He’s looking for those who will open their hearts to Him and allow Him to transform them into the sons and daughters of the Father that they were created to be. There is grace. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” [1 John 1:9 NIV] True love calls to us in our sin, accepts us, and calls us to forsake our sin. It empowers us to embrace our true identity in Him. Christ, who is true love, walked where we walk and understands us. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” [Hebrews 4:15-16 NIV] As we surrender to Him, He will complete the work that He has begun in our hearts. [Philippians 1:6]

Photo of man in blue shirt used under license with www.shutterstock.com. Photo of recovery meeting courtesy of Adrianna Geo via www.unsplash.com. © 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.