The Road Less Traveled

Tom and Donna Cole are co-directors of Pure Heart Ministries International. They have shared the message of God’s transforming love in over 43 nations. Tom started his ministry experience at Reconciliation Ministries and served as Executive Director from 1994 to 2003. They have four children and six grandchildren with another on the way!

And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Corinthians 6:11 NKJV 

My life would take a dramatic turn in November of 1986. Before that day I was a deeply broken and lost man. I had been actively involved in the gay community in Detroit for seven years. I had secretly been involved sexually for the 7 years before that. And I was miserable. I thought if I just embraced who I really was, and give myself fully to it, I would find true happiness and fulfillment. My friends and family that knew about my homosexuality embraced me and accepted me. But deep down I was suicidal and miserable. I drank and did drugs regularly. I kept searching for the right man to love. But in that search I became sexually addicted as well.

Then in November of 1986 I was introduced to Jesus Christ through the precious witness of a woman I worked with. I went to church with her and her family and gave my life to Christ at the end of the service. I knew I was different from that moment on. Shame was broken off as I realized Jesus forgave my sins. But that was just the beginning of my journey. I would spend the next 6 years dealing with the root issues of my same-sex attraction. I was saved, but Jesus is all about transforming us into His image. And that takes time. In the midst of this process I met and became best friends with Donna, a former lesbian. Two years into that process we both realized that we had fallen in love. We married on Christmas Day of 1988. Does marriage heal homosexuality? Not even close. We both were still very broken in our first years of marriage and much healing would still need to occur for us to walk in victory over our brokenness.

God is faithful. If we lean into Him, and trust His ways, He will bring about our transformation. It may not be in the timeline that we desire. But He will change us in so many ways. I leaned into God and recognized that I was a weak man. In my weakness God became my strength.  I did not overcome same sex issues in my own strength. I didn’t have strength to do anything. Slowly, but surely, I found my attractions diminishing. I began to see men the way God intended. I sought out deliverance, healing and godly counsel on this journey. I attended church services and worship nights. I read the Bible voraciously. I would spend hours in my room just worshipping Jesus. I built healthy friendships. I love that we get to partner with God in the process of sanctification! I also had to renew my mind. I had spent so many years focused on an unhealthy view of men. My mind was so polluted by my past. I memorized scriptures that dealt with temptation. I did deep studies in the Bible concerning His will for my sexuality. I read books and testimonies of others who had overcome. I joined with God in the process.

I honestly give all the glory and credit to God for the last 37 years of transformation. Is life hard sometimes? Absolutely! I’ve known grief intimately. I’ve battled temptation with God at my side. I’ve had conflict in my marriage, with my children and with friends. But I have always continued to lean into Christ through prayer, worship, solitude and through studying His word. I heard a worship song that said “If you don’t quit, you win”! Profound and true words! I think that is the key to true transformation.

My wife and I are coming to the Detroit area in July and will be sharing our testimonies at Great Lakes Church in Sterling Heights Sunday, July 23rd at 9:00 AM. Come and join us to hear us share our stories. We will also be doing a Pure Heart weekend conference July 28th and 29th in South Lyon. The weekend addresses the primary wounds we all have received in life. It’s a healing experience for everyone. This is not just about homosexuality. It’s for each and every one of us. Please come and join us, and bring a friend.

For more information about Pure Heart Ministries, visit them at www.pureheart.rest.

Photo of sunrise courtesy of www.unsplash.com.
Photo of Tom and Donna courtesy of www.pureheart.rest.

© 2023 Pure Heart Ministries.

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Tom and Donna Cole will be sharing their testimonies at Great Lakes Church on Sunday, July 23rd at 9:00 PM. They will also be doing a question and answer session at 6:00 PM. Great Lakes Church is located at 39051 Dodge Park Rd, Sterling Heights, MI 48313.

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Tom and Donna will be doing a Pure Heart weekend conference in South Lyon at The Barn on July 28th and 29th. The eight lessons of Pure Heart are based on the Beatitudes from the Gospel of Matthew. There will be worship, teaching and ministry times following. This is an experiential weekend. Come expecting to have God heal and transform your heart. Tom and Donna have ministered Pure Heart to many thousands of people. Testimonies continue to come in from many years ago that Pure Heart changed their lives and that they have had lasting change.  You can register online at https://www.pureheart.rest/events/july-23-24-2023-in-south-lyon. The exact address will be given when you register.

What Does Research Conclude About Counseling for Unwanted Same-Sex Attraction and Gender Dysphoria?

This newsletter is based on a workshop Dan Hitz and Jim Katsoudas presented at Restored Hope Network’s HOPE 2022 conference. Both Dan and Jim are licensed mental health counselors. A previous newsletter presented a clear understanding of what licensed therapy and pastoral care for unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion looks like, compared to the public narrative of “conversion therapy”.  This newsletter will explore what scientific research actually concludes about the validity of “change allowing therapy”.

Am I born this way? Can I really go from gay to straight? So many people say they are actually a male or female born into the wrong body. Are they wrong? Isn’t “conversion therapy” harmful? These are just a few of the many questions you’re hear as you interact with popular culture on the sensitive subject of sexuality, especially LGBTQ issues. This newsletter will explore what the scientific research actually concludes about efforts to overcome unwanted same-sex attraction or transgender identities. A full review of the research showing the validity of sexual orientation change efforts is beyond the scope of this newsletter. You can find many more articles and studies in the Journal of Human Sexuality published by the Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity at https://www.journalofhumansexuality.com/journals.

You’ve no doubt heard any efforts to change sexual orientation or gender identity is called “conversion therapy”. That term may even cause the hair on the back of your neck to stand up. Conversion therapy is a derogatory term coined by LGBTQ advocates to demonize any assistance to overcome unwanted homosexual attractions or gender confusion, whether it be from trained, licensed mental health care providers, pastoral caregivers, or peer support. The term is designed to create animosity between the church and non-church goers who don’t want to be converted through some type of coercion. It is also a guilt by association technique to falsely link harsh and abusive practices to those actually used by compassionate, skilled caregivers who function well within ethical, legal, and spiritual guidelines. The correct term for therapy to help someone overcome unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion is “change allowing therapy”. Change allowing therapy is also referred to as “sexual orientation change efforts” and “sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts”. You can read more about change allowing therapy in a previous newsletter article entitled, The Truth About Counseling”, at https://recmin.org/s/Truth-About-Counseling-220826.pdf.

 

As we explore what scientific research concludes about change allowing therapy, let’s begin by acknowledging the elephant in the room. All of the main secular therapeutic organizations claim that efforts to change sexual orientation or gender identity are harmful and cause depression, anxiety, and increased suicidal behavior. Most current research on LGBTQ issues is biased against efforts to change sexual orientation or gender identity.1 Researchers who publish results incompatible with the LGBTQ agenda are often ostracized. Such political pressure to support the LGBTQ community at the expense of valid science is nothing new. In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the diagnostic and statistical manual through a political move that ignored valid research.2 The APA task force on homosexuality deliberated for three years before finally pushing the voting to normalize homosexuality with a very small majority. Unfortunately, that task force was composed of only individuals in favor of normalizing homosexuality. The group consulted only homosexual activist groups and ignored anyone who disagreed with the pro-gay activists. Gay activists also began protesting other mental health groups during that time and harassing those who presented evidence that homosexuality is not a normal expression of human sexuality.2

Scientific research about LGBTQ issues continues to be politicized today. In June of 2020, John Blosnich, Emmitt Henderson, and others published an article entitled, Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Adverse Childhood Experiences, and Suicide Ideation and Attempt Among Sexual Minority Adults, in the American Journal of Public Health.3 In this article the researchers claimed a distinct link between change allowing therapy and suicidal thoughts and actions. They concluded, “Over the lifetime, sexual minorities who experienced SOCE [sexual orientation change efforts] reported a higher prevalence of suicidal ideation and attempts than did sexual minorities who did not experience SOCE.” Blosnich and Henderson claimed that change allowing therapy is harmful and should be avoided while advocating for affirming therapy. In an article on the Christian Medical and Dental Association website, Dr. Andre Van Mol noted that he and other researchers examined Blosnich and Henderson’s own research findings of what the original researchers called the “strongest representative sample to date of sexual minority persons” and noted several erroneous conclusions in their research.4 Van Mol pointed out that Blosnich and Henderson did not identify when the study participants experienced suicidal thoughts and behaviors, compared to when the engaged in change allowing therapy. In other words, the researchers did not admit that the suicidal thoughts and behaviors primarily occurred prior to change allowing therapy. When Van Mol and his colleagues examined Blosnich and Henderson’s own data, they discovered that change allowing therapy actually reduced suicidal thoughts and behaviors. After accurately reviewing the research, Van Mol writes, “SOCE strongly reduced suicidal ideation, planning and attempts, with even stronger effects for adults experiencing SOCE compared with minors doing the same.”

What about the claims that we are born gay, and that sexual orientation is immutable? Interestingly enough, research from both gay affirming therapists and change allowing therapist shows that sexual orientation is fluid and can change. Dr. Lisa Diamond, a feminist and affirming psychologist, studied 100 women for over ten years and presents the results in her book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire.5 She documents the fluidity of the women’s attractions as they shift back and forth from men, to women, and back again. Interestingly enough, Diamond is pro-gay and believes that “conversion therapy cannot change sexual attraction”;6 however, she clearly concludes that orientation can change. She does not subscribe to the “born gay” theory. It is difficult to understand how Diamond can believe that sexuality is fluid, yet does not believe that people should be free to pursue change allowing therapy if they don’t wish to embrace their same-sex attractions. It seems the politicization of sexuality continues.

The late Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a prominent change allowing therapist, published his research team’s findings in the journal, Psychological Reports, showing that ethical treatment was successful in decreasing unwanted same-sex desires. Among his findings are the following statistics:

…surveyed 850 individuals and 200 therapists and counselors – specifically seeking out individuals who claim to have made a degree of change in sexual orientation. Before counseling or therapy, 68% of respondents perceived themselves as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual, with another 22% stating they were more homosexual than heterosexual. After treatment only 13% perceived themselves as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual, while 33% described themselves as either exclusively or almost entirely heterosexual, 99% of respondents said they now believe treatment to change homosexuality can be effective and valuable.7

It is notable that the percentage of participants identifying as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual dropped from 68% to only 13% after treatment. It is also interesting to note that 99% of the respondents stated that “they now believe treatment to change homosexuality can be effective and valuable”.7 This includes many of the 13% who reported little change after treatment. Nicolosi’s work is one of many studies that show that change allowing therapy is safe and effective.

The research is even more startling when we look at transgender issues. Parents are told, “It’s better to have a live daughter, than a dead son when they resist embracing their son’s new transgender identity. They are told that they must embrace their son’s identity as a female or they will drive him to suicide. Are affirmed transgender individuals really less likely to have suicidal thoughts or actions than those who are not encouraged to embrace their transgender feelings? According to Jay Greene, Ph.D., senior research fellow in the Heritage Foundation’s Center for Education Policy, “Lowering legal barriers to make it easier for minors to undergo cross-sex medical interventions without parental consent does not reduce suicide rates—in fact, it likely leads to higher rates of suicide among young people in states that adopt these changes.”8 Greene writes that research showing that gender-affirming treatments prevent suicide is poorly conducted, while better research methods actually show an increased suicide risk.8

Multiple research studies indicate that the vast majority of prepubescent children who identify as transgender will grow up to embrace their birth gender without counseling or direct intervention.9 The Institute for Research and Evaluation released an article entitled Transgender Research: Five Things Every Parent and Policy-Maker Should Know, in which they evaluated multiple studies on transgender issues. When addressing the fact that most prepubescent children grow to embrace their biological gender, they write:

There is strong evidence showing that the vast majority of children (averaging about 85%) who experience gender dysphoria will resolve their gender identity confusion and accept their biological sex by the time they reach young adulthood, that is, if they are not subjected to “social transition” or cross-sex medical intervention. But for those who are the subject of early transition efforts, the large majority will most likely persist in a “trans” identity. (“Social transition” refers to cross-sex dressing and social reinforcement of a transgender identity for children by adults.)10

The Christian Medical and Dental Association acknowledges that there are higher incidents of mental health disorders among transgender individuals such as “depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, and risky sexual behaviors in comparison to the general population”; however, they cite multiple research studies to support their conclusion that “these mental health co-morbidities have been shown to predate transgender identification.”11 They write, “Although current medical evidence is incomplete and open to various interpretations, some studies suggest that surgical alteration of sex characteristics has uncertain and potentially harmful psychological effects and can mask or exacerbate deeper psychological problems.”11 With this in mind, it is far better to treat the psychological roots of gender dysphoria than to promote a physiological mask.

What about the long-term effects of gender affirmation surgery? Walt Heyer is a post-operative, former trans female, who has detransitioned back to his birth gender. He helps men and women who are experiencing sex change regret. Heyer notes that most transgenders find relief in the initial stages of their transition; however, sex change regret surfaces five to ten years after gender affirmation surgery.12 Heyer cites a Swedish study which found that the suicide rate of post-operative transgenders is 19 times that of non-transgender peers, and higher than those identifying as transgender who did not transition surgically.12 Gender reassignment surgery is not the answer to preventing suicide among those struggling with gender dysphoria.

This newsletter has only looked at the tip of the iceberg in terms of research on homosexuality and transgender issues. What is the answer for those who are struggling with unwanted same-sex attraction or transgender feelings? Is there any hope at all for recovery and transformation? Yes! There are both Christian and secular organizations that exist to help people overcome unwanted homosexual and transgender identities. Change is a process. Transformation isn’t easy. You will need someone to walk with you and provide encouragement, accountability, correction, and strength. Below is just a small list of organizations that can help you in your healing journey. There are many more. These organizations can assist you in connecting to local resources in your area.

Restored Hope Network – www.restoredhopenetwork.org

Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity - www.therapeuticchoice.com

Changed Movement – www.changedmovement.com

Desert Stream Ministries – www.desertstream.org

Help for Families – www.help4families.org

Reintegrative Therapy – www.reintegrativetherapy.com   

Pure Passion Media – www.purepassion.us

Additional scientific research articles are available at these websites.

Restored Hope Network – www.restoredhopenetwork.org

Journal of Human Sexuality – www.journalofhumansexuality.com/journals

Institute for Research & Evaluation – www.institute-research.com Christian Medical and Dental Association – www.cmda.org/policy-issues-home/position-statements/

Resources

1 Regnerus, Mark. (2019) Does “Conversion Therapy” Hurt People Who Identify as Transgender? The New JAMA Psychiatry Study Cannot Tell Us. Public Discourse. The Withersppon Institute. Retrieved from https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2019/09/57145/ on 12/19/2022.

2 Clowes, Brian. (2020) The Homosexuals’ American Psychological Association Coup. Human Life International. Retrieved from https://www.hli.org/resources/apa-on-homosexuality/ on 12/18/2022.

3 Blosnich, John R; Henderson, Emmett R; et al. (2020) Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Adverse Childhood Experiences, and Suicide Ideation and Attempt Among Sexual Minority Adults, United States, 2016-2018, American Journal of Public Health, 110, no. 7, July 1, 2020. Abstract retrieved from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32437277/ on 12/18/2022.

4 Van Mol, Adre. (2021) SOCE Reduces Suicidality in a New Study. Christian Medical and Dental Association. Retrieved from https://cmda.org/soce-reduces-suicidality-in-a-new-study/ on 11/29/2022.

5 Diamon, Lisa. (2009) Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Harvard University Press.

6 LGBT Science. Truth Wins Out. 29 October 2013. Retrieved 20 April 2015. Quoted from Wikipedia article retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lisa_M._Diamond on 12/18/2022.

7 Nicolosi, J., Byrd, A.D., and Potts, R.W. (2000) Retrospective self-reports of changes in homosexual orientation: A consumer survey of conversion therapy clients. Psychological Reports, 86, 1071-1088.

8 Green, Jay. (2022) Puberty Blockers, Cross-Sex Hormones, and Youth Suicide. The Heritage Foundation June 13, 2022. Retrieved from https://www.heritage.org/gender/report/puberty-blockers-cross-sex-hormones-and-youth-suicide on 12/19/2022.

9 Cantor, James. How Many Transgender Kids Grow Up to Stay Trans? PsyPost. Posted December 30, 2017. Retrieved from https://www.psypost.org/2017/12/many-transgender-kids-grow-stay-trans-50499 on 2/24/2019.

10 The Institute for Research & Evaluation. (2022) Transgender Research: Five Things Every Parent and Policy-Maker Should Know. Retrieved from https://www.institute-research.com/pdf/Transgender_Research--5_Questions_for_Parents_%26_Policymakers_%28IRE%209-26-22%29.pdf on 12/19/2022.

11 CMDA Ethics Statement: Transgender Identification. (2021) Christian Medical and Dental Association. Retrieved from https://app.box.com/shared/static/bjkazlu3pdqbq88dhfgpbttrhcspft6h.pdf on 12/19/2022.

12 Heyer, Walt. Trans Life Survivors. Self-published, Lexington, KY, 2018.

 Photos provided by www.unsplash.com. © 2022 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.

This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

The Truth About Counseling

This newsletter is based on a workshop Dan Hitz and Jim Katsoudas presented at Restored Hope Network’s HOPE 2022 conference. Both Dan and Jim are licensed mental health counselors. The goal of this newsletter is to provide a clear understanding of what licensed therapy and pastoral care for unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion looks like, compared to the public narrative of “conversion therapy”.  A future article will examine the validity of “change allowing therapy”.

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What do you think about when you hear the phrase “conversion therapy”? Popular culture would have you believe that it involves coercive behavior towards someone struggling with LGBTQ issues in an effort to manipulatively convert them from gay to straight.  Add to that electric shock, nausea inducing drugs, and worse… Now you get the general public’s opinion of what happens when someone receives counseling for unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion. Sadly, gay-advocates have created the term “conversion therapy” to demonize any “change allowing therapy” whether it is from a licensed therapist, a pastoral care giver, or a compassionate peer support group. “Conversion therapy” is a straw man argument designed to spread angst among the unchurched population who doesn’t want to be converted through some type of religious crusade. It slanders and overly simplifies what godly caregivers do by implying that we forcefully try to “pray the gay away”. That’s not what we do.

What about the argument, “Once gay, always gay?” We’ll look more in-depth at the current peer reviewed scientific research in a future newsletter. There is ample evidence showing the fluidity of sexual attraction1 and that change allowing therapy actually works2. There is also plenty of evidence showing that even those who engaged in therapy but didn’t experience a significant change in their orientation reported decreased depression and decreased suicidal behavior after therapy3.

For today, let’s take a look at what the Bible says about transformation. The Bible offers clear proof that transformation is possible. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 [NLT] reads:

9 Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, 10 or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. 11 Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

This is irrefutable proof that homosexuality is just one of many behaviors that God identifies as sin and calls us to repent of. When we repent, He makes us right with Him. He cleanses us and makes us holy. That doesn’t mean that we won’t ever struggle with those temptations again. Jesus, Himself, was tempted. It doesn’t even mean that we won’t ever fall again. It does mean that we can repent of homosexuality, be made righteous in Christ, and begin the PROCESS of transformation. But what happens if we do sin again in our process of transformation? 1 John 2:1-2 [NIV] reads:

1My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. 2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

Receiving God’s provision of forgiveness for our sin doesn’t mean that we can continue willfully in our sin just because of his grace. As the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 6:1-2 [NLT] asking, “Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace?” His response was simple. “Of course not!” True grace shows us that God has mercy on us in our transformation process and works in our hearts to change our desires. Scripture has many examples of heroes of faith falling into sin and repenting4. As repentant followers of God, they never celebrated their sin. They certainly never took pride in their sin.

What about the “born this way” argument? Scripture makes it clear that we are all born dead in trespasses and sin and need to be born again.6 The truth is, no scientists have ever been able to prove a genetic cause to homosexuality. Even the American Psychiatric Association admits they do not know what causes homosexuality. In their document, Answers to Your Questions: For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality5, they write:

There is no consensus among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian orientation.  Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors. Many think that nature and nurture both play complex roles; most people experience little or no sense of choice about their sexual orientation.

What exactly is “change allowing therapy”? Such therapy or pastoral care may also be called “sexual orientation change efforts” or “sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts”. It should also be noted that there are both faith centered caregivers and secular caregivers who are skilled in helping men and women overcome unwanted LGBTQ desires. Efforts to overcome unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion may include simply talking to someone who understands the struggle. In addition to talking, the caregiver may use Christian disciplines like prayer, Bible study, discipleship, and mentoring. There are many wonderful resources from men and women who are themselves overcomers and share many practical insights into the transformation process. The caregiver may teach the overcomer about boundaries, accountability, triggers, and coping skills. The caregiver may also help the client explore childhood trauma and life experiences that are contributing to the overcomer’s unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion. For Christian caregivers, the most important aspect of the process will be to help the overcomer understand and live according to his true identity in Christ. Working with the caregiver is just one part of the transformation or recovery process. The overcomer can use many different resources to better understand himself, learn to manage temptation, and begin to practice healthier thought patterns and behaviors.

Pastoral caregiving and peer support may take place in more informal settings, while professional therapists will follow more formal, therapeutic guidelines. All compassionate care must follow “the client’s right to self-determination”, meaning that the client or ministry recipient is the one to set the goals for the care received. Change allowing caregivers are happy to work with anyone desiring to overcome LGBTQ issues. If someone wishes to embrace her LGBTQ desires, ethical therapists won’t try to coerce her to change. God, Himself, won’t violate our free will. In such a case, the caregiver would inform the client that it would violate the caregiver’s personal convictions to help her embrace LGBTQ desires and refer her to a caregiver who offers “affirming therapy”, or therapy that helps one embrace LGBTQ desires.

While the person receiving the care should be the one to set the goals for the care that he receives, some goals are helpful and some are not. This article will explore some of these goals from a Christian perspective. Many of these goals are also applicable to individuals who do not profess a faith in Christ, although the language and perspective may need to be modified to fit the worldview and vocabulary of the specific individual. Anyone receiving therapy will be more successful in their recovery if they have a set of clearly defined, appropriate goals. Of course, all compassionate care will include the exploration of coping skills, boundaries, accountability, social interaction, and life principles that help us resist temptation and experience transformation. While these are important ingredients in recovery, the most important work occurs deep in the heart.

The primary goal should be to live our lives surrendered to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and living according to our true identity in him. The primary goal should NOT be the total elimination of same sex attraction or gender confusion. This is true whether we experience a significant shift in our attractions or not. If our focus is on the elimination of all temptations, we will continually be frustrated. True inner peace comes from living one’s life surrendered to Jesus Christ, and receiving in him the love, strength and transformation that empowers us to live in authentic relationship with him. As we live for him, we become more like him. Jesus doesn’t take away temptation, he gives us the power to resist temptation. Jesus wasn’t defined by his temptations. Neither are we. We are defined by the Heavenly Father as cherished sons and daughters. We each have own unique set of strengths and weaknesses. In our submitted weakness, we are made strong in Christ (2 Corinthians 12:6-10).

Another healthy goal is the exploration of life experiences, unresolved trauma, and perceptions that may be contributing to unwanted same-sex attractions. We are a product of our perceptions and responses to our life experiences. Even though we may not be consciously aware of how these things have influenced our same-sex attraction or gender confusion, we live out those influences every day. They create behavior patterns, mindsets, and habits. Sexual brokenness and emotional challenges are the fruit of deeper emotional wounds in our heart. Understanding the root issues contributing to our unhealthy habits and mindsets can help us develop healthier thought patterns, coping skills, and life choices.

An extensive list of the benefits of change allowing therapy is beyond the scope of this newsletter, but here are some of the most common. Change allowing therapy speaks truth to the false narrative that one is trapped in homosexuality, lesbianism, or a transgender identity.  Change allowing therapy can help the individual align his sexuality with his faith. This brings a deeper understanding of one’s identity in Christ. He becomes better equipped to navigate through life’s challenges in fellowship with Christ and other believers. Exploring negative life experiences and perceptions contributing to unwanted same-sex attraction and gender confusion leads to resolution of inner conflict. Overcomers experience decreased depression, anxiety, shame, and reduced suicidal thoughts and behavior. Change allowing therapy can help strugglers who are engaging in dangerous, high risk sexual behavior avoid doing so. Change allowing therapy enhances the overcomer’s spiritual, social, physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing.

It is important to address some realistic expectations for anyone experiencing therapy of any type, and especially for those receiving therapy for unwanted same-sex attraction or gender confusion. Therapy to overcome any longstanding challenge and brokenness is hard work. Staying in our challenges and brokenness is hard work. True change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, and we become motivated to do the hard work of recovery. This is a process. The overcomer will not experience full victory a week from Tuesday. She will need help and encouragement to celebrate the small victories and recover from the setbacks that will occur on a long journey. This is where the church, discipleship, and bearing one another’s burdens comes in. The overcomer is surrendering a lot. Although sinful and broken, the LGBTQ community has also been a source of comfort, strength, and support. The overcomer will need the help of safe, trusted others in the Body of Christ who can love and support her as she yields that former way of life to the Lord.

It’s not realistic to expect that if we are fully engaged in recovery for our same-sex attraction, God will surely bring us a spouse of the opposite sex. They are two separate issues. Unfortunately, many have used marriage as a litmus test for victory. Marriage is very complicated. Not everyone is called to marriage. This includes those recovering from unwanted same-sex attraction and gender confusion, as well as those who have never struggled with their sexuality. Marriage is complicated. It doesn’t cure sexual or emotional brokenness. If marriage is one of your recovery goals, or a demand you place upon God, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I know many overcomers who are married, myself included. I also know many overcomers who are single and content. They are open to marriage if the Lord should ever bring the right person along, but it isn’t a demand. Married or not, the important thing is to place all of our emotional needs and desires in God’s hands and learn to receive our fulfillment from him. Along the way, he will help us learn to interact with others in the Body of Christ whom he can flow through to bless us and challenge us as we walk with him.

Whenever a new client comes into my office, I want to offer him realistic expectations. I explain that I still have some residual same-sex attractions, but that they are a fraction of what they used to be. They have gone from a place where they were debilitating, to a place where they are under my feet through the power of Jesus Christ. I have to keep my foot firmly planted and use the tools God has given me for victory. I practice accountability and boundaries. I continue to receive personal prayer ministry regularly. I explain the continuum of change. Some people have experienced a complete shift in their attractions and are no longer attracted to the same sex. Others have experienced little change in their attractions, but are continuing to yield those attractions to the cross. The reality is that most of us as overcomers are living in the middle of that continuum. We’ve experienced a shift in our attractions, but we still have to cope with some level of unwanted same-sex attraction. We are all a work on progress.

Temptations will still happen. The good news is that temptations can be yielded to Christ and used as an opportunity for deeper healing. (See the newsletter article “Praying Beyond the Temptations” at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.) Jesus was tempted while on this earth (Matthew 4:1-11). Luke 4:13 [NIV] reads, “When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him [Jesus] for a more opportune time.” One day this Scripture jumped off the page, and I realized that if Jesus had a more opportune – more vulnerable – time to be tempted, we surely will too. This truth helped set my heart at ease. Temptations are not sin. It’s what we do with them that matters. Temptations don’t define us! Jesus defines us!

Wherever we are along our journey, we can live a more fulfilled life with Jesus than we can live with sin. In Christ, we can grow in the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22-23a [NIV], “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” If you’re made it to the end of this article, you processed a lot of information. You may still have many questions about change allowing therapy. You may be wondering how you or someone you love can begin a healing journey. You may be wondering if you are ready to begin the journey, or if there is anyone who can help. We at Reconciliation Ministries are here to help. Yes, the journey is challenging, but the godly rewards along the way are amazing. You will learn more about yourself and the love the Heavenly Father has for you than you can ever imagine. The journey is worth it! For more information, call us at 586.739.5114, or visit us online at www.recmin.org. There is hope and healing in Jesus Christ.

1 Diamond, Dr. Lisa, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Harvard University Press. 2008.

2 https://www.journalofhumansexuality.com/journals

3 Nicolosi, J., Byrd, A.D., and Potts, R.W. (2000) Retrospective self-reports of changes in homosexual orientation: A consumer survey of conversion therapy clients. Psychological Reports, 86, 1071-1088.

4 Abraham, Isaac, David, Peter – add Scripture references

5 American Psychological Association.  Answers to Your Questions: For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality.  Washington, DC. 2008.  Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbtq/orientation on 5/30/2022.

6 John 3:1-21; Ephesians 2:1-5

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© 2022 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

The Building Blocks of Homosexuality

The debate continues about the cause of homosexuality – nature, nurture, choice?  Dan Hitz, Director of Reconciliation Ministries, presents this brief overview of the building blocks of homosexuality.  Each person’s life story is different, yet Jesus Christ has an answer for every man, woman, and adolescent that finds him/herself struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions.  Understanding some of the potential roots of homosexuality helps us understand the steps to recovery. This article was originally published in a 2010 newsletter, and has been slightly updated for this 2019 edition.

Those of us who have struggled with unwanted homosexual attractions know that we didn’t lie awake in bed one night trying to decide if we should be gay.  Our attractions just happened.  Many of us felt different than the other kids of our gender for as long as we can remember.  Some of us were called faggots long before we even knew what the word meant.  It can feel like we’re born this way.  Especially when our personality is developed at a young age by life experiences that were completely out of our control – the majority of which we cannot even remember.  This article will present a brief overview of the basic building blocks of homosexuality.  Understanding what some of the foundational issues may be, helps us to know what areas of our hearts are most in need of the grace of Jesus Christ and His healing presence.

Why has the secular community historically presented the idea of a genetic link to homosexuality?  Sharon Begley summed up the answer in her 2008 Newsweek Magazine article entitled “Does DNA Make Some Men Gay?” when she quoted Dr. Rosenberg. “By linking homosexuality to the genes, says New York psychiatrist Kenneth Paul Rosenberg, Hamer’s Study shows that being gay is not ‘a deviant choice and [the result of] a lack of will.  It is at least partly a biological orientation, as important to one’s constitution as eye color.’”1  In the Love Won Out series, Focus on the Family explains the error of accepting behavior based on a biological predisposition.  “A genetic link to some behaviors does not prove the idea of normalcy or rightness.  Look at alcoholism or propensities towards anger. While these have been promoted as having a genetic linkage, there are few, if any, in our society who would promote these behaviors as OK just because they are linked genetically.”2  The truth is that a conclusive genetic link to homosexuality has not been found.  In the latest position statement on homosexuality, The American Psychological Association writes, “Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors.”3  Simply stated, no concrete biological cause for homosexuality has ever been found.  No matter what the cause of homosexuality, Scripture is clear that it is one of many sins that can be overcome.  1 Corinthians 6:9-11 reads, “Don’t you know that those who do wrong will have no share in the Kingdom of God?  Don’t fool yourselves.  Those who indulge in sexual sin, who are idol worshipers, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, abusers, and swindlers – none of these will have a share in the Kingdom of God.  There was a time when some of you were just like that, but now your sins have been washed away, and you have been set apart for God.  You have been made right with God because of what the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of our God have done for you.”  We may not have chosen to have same-sex attractions, but we can choose what to do with those attractions.

There are many theories concerning the roots of same-sex attraction. For years the most influential theory has been the Developmental Model, which looks at emotional and family of origin issues in the development of homosexuality. I want to clarify that not everyone who has same-sex attraction fits into the Developmental Model. While the majority of people struggling with same-sex attraction have come from dysfunctional families, others have not. Younger people in today’s culture may be more heavily influenced by their subculture’s promotion of homosexuality and transgender identities than those of us of older generations. Being LGBTQ identified in a performing arts high school or college actually gives and individual more accolades in this generation, while it formerly gave the individual a larger target for bullying in the 70’s and  80’s. As Joe Dallas points out in his book, Speaking of Homosexuality, there are plenty of heterosexual people who have experienced many of the ingredients in the Developmental Model, yet they do not have same-sex attractions.4  All of these insights can serve to help us recognize the complexity of homosexual development, and point us to the Lord for His insight in overcoming unwanted same-sex attraction. Through the years of counseling many people with unwanted LGBTQ issues, I have noticed that the vast majority of people do relate to the Developmental Model, which makes it important to understand.

Before we look at some of the environmental building blocks of homosexuality, I want to talk to the parents who are reading this article.  My wife and I have five kids. The youngest is 21.  Raising teenagers was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.  It was more difficult than growing up with a paranoid schizophrenic mother, and more difficult than walking away from homosexuality.  We have all made mistakes when raising our children, and we have all done things we wish we could undo.  The important thing is to admit our mistakes and repent to those we have wronged.  Remember that your child’s perceptions were very influential in shaping his or her worldview, and may not reflect the actual reality of how he or she was raised.  Please do not read this list as an indictment against you or your parenting style.  It is simply intended to be a brief look into the heart of one struggling with homosexuality.  If you made mistakes, put them on the cross and let the Lord work in your own heart as well as the heart of your son or daughter.  He or she is responsible for his or her own decisions.

This list is intended as a brief overview of the most common environmental factors contributing to male homosexuality.  We will also look at some additional factors common in the development of lesbianism. Each person has his own life experiences which may or may not be included in this list.

The emotional roots of homosexuality often begin in a breakdown in the relationship with a same-sex parent.  For males, the father may be either extremely passive or demeaning.  The boy feels disconnected from his father and fails to develop a sense of maleness as he grows up.  This in turn hinders him from connecting to other male peers.

The mother may be overprotective and/or try to gain the emotional fulfillment from the son that she cannot get from her husband.  Many of the men I’ve talked to through the years explain that their mothers seemed to place them in the role of being an emotional support or pseudo-husband.  The boys feel uneasy about this unnatural relationship, but are often unable to express their own feelings and desires. 

The boy may relate more to his mother, sisters, and other females in his life than other males.  When the hormones hit at puberty, he is then drawn to the gender that holds the intrigue and mystique.  Some boys are simply more creative and less athletic than the average boy.  The reaction of parents and peers is critical here.  If the neighborhood boys begin to tease him for expressing his creativity and/or demonstrating his lack of athletic ability he may feel less masculine than they.  They may even label him as a gay based on his lack of athleticism. A wise father will recognize the specific giftings in his son and reaffirm his masculinity as expressed in the son’s own skill set.

Envy and jealousy are often key factors in homosexuality.  Very often, males with same-sex attraction are drawn to other males with the qualities they feel are lacking in themselves.  The boy in the locker room who feels physically weak and insecure may be drawn to the other boys who are more physically fit and more confident.  Leanne Payne calls this concept “cannibal compulsion” noting that cannibals historically consumed the people whose attributes they desired.5  This is also demonstrated as older men may be drawn to the youthfulness and perceived innocence of a younger man, while the younger man may be drawn to the fatherly nature of the older male.

Occasionally, men with same-sex attraction may crave sexual encounters with other males out of anger and a desire to destroy in others those traits that they feel lacking in themselves.  Multiple clients have explained their desire to have a sexual encounter with specific types of men with the intent of destroying the perceived attribute in the other male that they feel is lacking in themselves. One man confessed to having encounters with men whom he perceived had a perfect family, in order to wreak havoc on that man’s family.

A vast majority of clients who are struggling with unwanted homosexual attractions have also been the victim of childhood sexual abuse.  When a child’s sexuality is awakened early, it has a devastating effect in the heart causing a confusing whirlwind of emotions with deep seated emotional scars. Not all gay-identified people have been abused, but an overwhelming percentage of them have.

The booklet The Truth Comes Out: The Roots and Causes of Male Homosexuality from Focus on the Family6 lists the following environmental factors in male homosexuality:

1. Sexual violation or experimentation with men or boys

2. Incest or molestation

3. Exposure to pornography

4. Negative spiritual influences

5. Media influences

6. Personality temperament

7. Negative body image

8. Peer labeling, harassment or alienation

9. Fear of – or an inability to relate to – the opposite sex

There are some differences between male homosexuality and female homosexuality.  Males often feel inadequate in their masculinity and wish to connect with other males in a subconscious attempt to receive additional masculinity from them.  Females on the other hand, tend to see their femininity as a liability or an inferior quality.  A woman may have grown up seeing her mother as a victim of abuse by the father or she may have received mistreatment from significant males in own her life.  She may perceive that being feminine is unsafe and detach from her femininity while simultaneously withdrawing from males whom she may perceive as predatory.  Her desire for relationships leads her toward other women.

Females, more often than males, may develop same-sex attractions later in life.  This may happen as a woman receives mistreatment from significant men in her life, cuts her heart off from men, and turns to another female for emotional support.  If the other woman offering the support is unhealthy herself, a codependent relationship may form.  Many women have been drawn into a lesbian relationship as the emotional attachment turns to codependency which then becomes eroticized.

Other building blocks of female homosexuality are similar to those in males including the breakdown in relationship with the same-sex parent, difficulty connecting to same-sex peers, personality and interests more commonly associated with the other gender, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse.

The booklet The Heart of the Matter:  The Roots and Causes of Female Homosexuality from Focus on the Family7 provides the follow statistics from a study of responses from 265 women to look at some of the factors that may have contributed to their lesbian attractions:

55.7% received emotional trauma including sexual innuendoes and specific sexual remarks that made her feel violated
69.1% experienced emotional abuse
66.4% were victims of sexual abuse
53.2% were verbally abused
39.6% felt abandoned
32.5% were victims of physical abuse
20.0% felt utterly neglected

Regardless of the specific causes of homosexual attractions in a person’s life, an open and honest relationship with the Lord is the first step in overcoming unwanted same-sex attraction.  Remember the words of 1 Corinthians 6:11 covered earlier in this article, “There was a time when some of you were just like that, but now your sins have been washed away, and you have been set apart for God.  You have been made right with God because of what the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of our God have done for you.”  For those who have been wounded by their earthly parents, Father God is able to provide what their earthly mother and father were unable to give.  He can heal the wounds they have inflicted.  Psalm 27:10 reads, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.”

Many people who are raised in the church keep their struggle to themselves out of fear and shame.  We must be honest about our battle and share it with safe, mature Christians who will walk with us towards Christ.  The church must be a safe place where we can open our hearts and receive the help and discipleship we need.  1 John 1:9 reads, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”  The overcomer will need trained prayer ministers, pastors, and counselors who are familiar with the journey and can help the struggler bring the wounds and strongholds to Jesus at the cross.  He or she will also need other safe Christians who will simply walk with him or her and show the love of Christ.

References                                                                                                                                                             

1 Begley, Sharon. Does DNA Make Some Men Gay?, Newsweek Magazine, Updated 2/20/08.  Retrieved from http://www.newsweek.com/id/113943 on 9/3/2008.

2 Straight Answers: Exposing the Myths and Facts about Homosexuality, Love Won Out Series, Focus on the Family Publishing, Colorado Springs, CO. 2000, p. 10.

3 American Psychological Association.  Answers to Your Questions: For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality.  Washington, DC. 2008, p2.  Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/orientation.pdf on 1/11/2019.

4 Dallas, Joe. Speaking of Homosexuality: Discussing the Issues with Kindness and Clarity, Baker Books, Grand Rapids, MI. 2016.

5 Payne, Leanne.  The Broken Image, Hamewith Books, Grand Rapids, MI.  1996.

6 The Truth Comes Out: The Roots and Causes of Male Homosexuality, Love Won Out Series, Focus on the Family Publishing, Colorado Springs, CO, 2002. pp. 10-11.

7 The Heart of the Matter: The Roots and Causes of Female Homosexuality, Love Won Out Series, Focus on the Family Publishing, citing Anne Paulk, A Study on the Roots, Causes and Treatment of Lesbianism, Colorado Springs, CO. 2001.

If you would like more information about Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, or any of the ministries we offer, visit us on the internet at www.recmin.org, or call (586) 739-5114.

This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.  © 2010, 2019 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.