But I'm not who I used to be...

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

What’s more, I am changing your name. It will no longer be Abram. Instead, you will be called Abraham, for you will be the father of many nations.

Genesis 17:5 NLT

There are times in Scripture when the Lord changes people’s names to reflect the work He is doing in their hearts. Their new name reflects their new identity. Sarai became Sarah. Jacob became Israel. Saul became Paul. There are others. These new names are a practical application of 2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” If you are in Christ, this includes you. You are a new creation. You have a new identity.

Walking this out is a process. There is tension as we live in the reality of justification, having the full righteousness of Christ applied to us through the grace and mercy of God, while living in the process of sanctification, experiencing the transformation process step by step in our lives. God no longer sees us as who we were. He sees us as He created us to be in Christ. I frequently tell my clients that our “old man”, our old sinful nature, has been crucified with Christ [Romans 6:6]; but he happens to be lying around the living room stinking the place up from time to time. Sometimes our old nature slips out and we end up acting or responding like we did in the past. This doesn’t negate the fact that we have the full righteousness of Christ. It doesn’t negate the fact that we are truly a new creation and that the old nature is gone by divine decree. However, it does illustrate the fact that sanctification is a process, and that we are learning to express our new nature more each day as we follow Christ.

One of the many challenges that many of us face in our recovery are the times when those close to us, those we hurt in the past, may continue to identify us by our old identity. It’s hard for them to see us as a new creation if they’re still recovering from the wounds we’ve inflicted on them. They may be afraid to drop their guard and trust that we are different out of fear that we will hurt them again. Sometimes we remind them of who we used to be just by being around them. It’s complicated.

During those times when people around us seem to identify us by our old name and nature, we need to remember to exercise patience and offer grace. Grace to those who were negatively affected by our behavior in the past. Grace to those who hold our old nature against us. And grace to ourselves as we continue our recovery and grow into our true identity in Christ. During those times it’s easy to get frustrated. We may even ponder giving up. Don’t. Take some time to step back and remind yourself of the new identity you have in Christ. Continue growing into the fullness of who God declares you to be. It is a process. May the Holy Spirit give you much grace in that process.

Photo of butterflies used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2024 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

What Should I Do About My Regrets?

Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in overcoming unwanted LGBTQ issues, sexual abuse recovery, and trauma. Dan is an ordained minister, EMDR trained, and a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional. He began his journey out of homosexuality in 1984.

Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.
Romans 7:24-8:2 NIV

Many people say, “Live life with no regrets”. To a large degree I agree with this sentiment. We should live our lives for Christ and our behaviors and attitudes should be clear evidence of the transformational power of Jesus Christ working in our lives. However, if we’re honest with ourselves, none of us have lived our entire lives as a reflection of God’s glory. We’ve all made mistakes. We all have regrets.

We’ve all carved deep ruts in our lives. As Christians, the good news is that some of those ruts are more like virtues than ruts. The moment we come to Christ, we should start establishing deep, godly habits and patterns of true Christlikeness. Essentially, good ruts… lifestyles… virtues… Unfortunately, we also have ruts that have derailed us and have become deeply entrench negative habits and patterns. By the time we get sick of some negative ruts, we may have lived far more years of our lives than we have left. We may or may not have time to undo all of the consequences of the negative ruts while we’re still here on earth. Even if we do, it’s going to take us a lot of years and a lot of hard work to get out of the ruts. The consequences may linger.

I was at the bedside of a close family member a while ago as she passed into eternity. She knew Jesus. She had some beautiful virtues beyond that which I can ever hope to possess. She had a very difficult life. She was very faithful in some of the huge trials that came her way. She also had many huge, challenging ruts. Some through no fault of her own. Others were built slowly through years by making poor decisions. They were deep. They were pretty evident. They made parts of her life extremely difficult. Through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ she is now resting in His arms, fully loved and fully forgiven. Her decades old ruts are now a thing of the past. She is now fully transformed.

Thinking about her life caused me to focus on some of my own ruts that I’ve been wrestling with for years. Today I’m still dealing with some of the negative patterns that were present all the way back to my childhood, and some that formed in my adolescence and early adulthood. When I gave my life to Jesus, He filled in some of those ruts supernaturally. Others, He allowed to remain. Some of the ones He left I tried to avoid. Others, I kept reinforcing even though I knew I shouldn’t. Years later, as the conviction and consequences became clearer, I began to repent and work to overcome those ruts. I’m not sure I have enough years left to fully overcome some of them this side of eternity.

These are the nations that the Lord left in the land to test those Israelites who had not experienced the wars of Canaan. He did this to teach warfare to generations of Israelites who had no experience in battle.
Judges 3:1-2 NLT

The consequences of ruts don’t usually go away overnight. Jesus takes some of the earthly consequences away, but He leaves just enough that I have to continue working to overcome the ruts. I don’t see Him leaving ruts and their effects as punishment. I see them as a wise and loving Savior teaching me things I refused to learn early on. I see Him empowering me to endure and walk through the natural consequences of my ruts, as he teaches me to lean on Him for wisdom and equipping. He leads us through the process of replacing the ruts with godly virtues. In this process, we grow deeper in relationship with our Heavenly Father, and the family of God that He sends to help us in our journey.

This gets us back to the thought of regrets. Even though I do believe that we should live our lives with no regrets. I also agree with something I heard on TV a few years ago. I forget exactly who said it, but when I heard the statement, “If you don’t have any regrets you haven’t learned anything”, something clicked in my heart. Yes. We should live our lives so that we don’t have any regrets, but none of us are perfect. We will make mistakes. That is what the cross is all about. It is during those times of true conviction, sometimes even realizing the consequences of our actions, that repentance happens and change occurs. We may regret the consequences of our actions and realize the cost of our poor decisions. That brings regret. Jesus is the one who can meet us in our regrets, cleanse us of our sin, and empower us to live differently.

Regrets can also inspire us to make amends; to apologize and try to correct our mistakes and heal the relationships with those we’ve hurt. As we think about reconciling our relationships, we need to proceed prayerfully, own our part of the situation, and allow the Lord to work in the hearts of those we apologize to. Sometimes the people we’ve offended aren’t in an emotional place for us to approach them. In cases like this, we need to prayerfully repent to the Lord and trust Him to work in their hearts in His timing.

But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
1 John 1:7-9 NLT

The statement, “If you don’t have any regrets you haven’t learned anything,” touched my heart in another way. I used to struggle intensely with condemnation. I knew cognitively that Jesus cleansed me of my sin and forgave me, yet I was struggling to forgive myself. That statement refocused my thoughts on the truth that regrets mean that we realized what we did was wrong and wish we would have done something different. Going forward, we can learn how to be different… how to be better. Instead of focusing on the failure and condemnation, we need to focus on the fact that we’ve been redeemed and are being transformed. The Holy Spirit is teaching us how to live life differently. Regrets and condemnation aren’t a virtue. They are a sign that we need to acknowledge our ruts, turn to Christ, and ask Him to change our hearts.

In times of temptation, the fallout that remains from our ruts can be learning tools and reminders that what we’ve done in the past didn’t work. That can help us avoid giving into temptation. In the areas where we’re still experiencing the consequences of our ruts, we can ask the Lord for the grace to deal with our thorn in the flesh… even if we’re the ones who willingly stepped on the thorn. He is gracious. He will give us the strength to live each day for Him. He will give us the grace to overcome our ruts and regrets and turn them into virtues.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
Philippians 1:6 NLT

Photo of man courtesy of Karabo Mdluli via www.unsplash.com. Photo of woman courtesy of Getty Images via www.unsplash.com. © 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

The Road Less Traveled

Tom and Donna Cole are co-directors of Pure Heart Ministries International. They have shared the message of God’s transforming love in over 43 nations. Tom started his ministry experience at Reconciliation Ministries and served as Executive Director from 1994 to 2003. They have four children and six grandchildren with another on the way!

And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Corinthians 6:11 NKJV 

My life would take a dramatic turn in November of 1986. Before that day I was a deeply broken and lost man. I had been actively involved in the gay community in Detroit for seven years. I had secretly been involved sexually for the 7 years before that. And I was miserable. I thought if I just embraced who I really was, and give myself fully to it, I would find true happiness and fulfillment. My friends and family that knew about my homosexuality embraced me and accepted me. But deep down I was suicidal and miserable. I drank and did drugs regularly. I kept searching for the right man to love. But in that search I became sexually addicted as well.

Then in November of 1986 I was introduced to Jesus Christ through the precious witness of a woman I worked with. I went to church with her and her family and gave my life to Christ at the end of the service. I knew I was different from that moment on. Shame was broken off as I realized Jesus forgave my sins. But that was just the beginning of my journey. I would spend the next 6 years dealing with the root issues of my same-sex attraction. I was saved, but Jesus is all about transforming us into His image. And that takes time. In the midst of this process I met and became best friends with Donna, a former lesbian. Two years into that process we both realized that we had fallen in love. We married on Christmas Day of 1988. Does marriage heal homosexuality? Not even close. We both were still very broken in our first years of marriage and much healing would still need to occur for us to walk in victory over our brokenness.

God is faithful. If we lean into Him, and trust His ways, He will bring about our transformation. It may not be in the timeline that we desire. But He will change us in so many ways. I leaned into God and recognized that I was a weak man. In my weakness God became my strength.  I did not overcome same sex issues in my own strength. I didn’t have strength to do anything. Slowly, but surely, I found my attractions diminishing. I began to see men the way God intended. I sought out deliverance, healing and godly counsel on this journey. I attended church services and worship nights. I read the Bible voraciously. I would spend hours in my room just worshipping Jesus. I built healthy friendships. I love that we get to partner with God in the process of sanctification! I also had to renew my mind. I had spent so many years focused on an unhealthy view of men. My mind was so polluted by my past. I memorized scriptures that dealt with temptation. I did deep studies in the Bible concerning His will for my sexuality. I read books and testimonies of others who had overcome. I joined with God in the process.

I honestly give all the glory and credit to God for the last 37 years of transformation. Is life hard sometimes? Absolutely! I’ve known grief intimately. I’ve battled temptation with God at my side. I’ve had conflict in my marriage, with my children and with friends. But I have always continued to lean into Christ through prayer, worship, solitude and through studying His word. I heard a worship song that said “If you don’t quit, you win”! Profound and true words! I think that is the key to true transformation.

My wife and I are coming to the Detroit area in July and will be sharing our testimonies at Great Lakes Church in Sterling Heights Sunday, July 23rd at 9:00 AM. Come and join us to hear us share our stories. We will also be doing a Pure Heart weekend conference July 28th and 29th in South Lyon. The weekend addresses the primary wounds we all have received in life. It’s a healing experience for everyone. This is not just about homosexuality. It’s for each and every one of us. Please come and join us, and bring a friend.

For more information about Pure Heart Ministries, visit them at www.pureheart.rest.

Photo of sunrise courtesy of www.unsplash.com.
Photo of Tom and Donna courtesy of www.pureheart.rest.

© 2023 Pure Heart Ministries.

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Tom and Donna Cole will be sharing their testimonies at Great Lakes Church on Sunday, July 23rd at 9:00 PM. They will also be doing a question and answer session at 6:00 PM. Great Lakes Church is located at 39051 Dodge Park Rd, Sterling Heights, MI 48313.

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Tom and Donna will be doing a Pure Heart weekend conference in South Lyon at The Barn on July 28th and 29th. The eight lessons of Pure Heart are based on the Beatitudes from the Gospel of Matthew. There will be worship, teaching and ministry times following. This is an experiential weekend. Come expecting to have God heal and transform your heart. Tom and Donna have ministered Pure Heart to many thousands of people. Testimonies continue to come in from many years ago that Pure Heart changed their lives and that they have had lasting change.  You can register online at https://www.pureheart.rest/events/july-23-24-2023-in-south-lyon. The exact address will be given when you register.