A Chapter from My Book

Joan Webb is a valuable member of the Reconciliation Ministries leadership team, where she serves as a Mental Health Coach, Prayer Minister, Living Waters Coordinator, and much more. She joined the leadership team in 2006. Her passion for this ministry work has come from her own process of healing from childhood emotional neglect, domestic violence, sexual assault and relational challenges. Her understanding of dependency on the Lord to heal the deep wounds of this life is the foundational message Joan brings to those seeking help and hope.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

Our lives are like a book being written over time; chapter upon chapter until the last chapter and THE END.  If I can simplify how it’s like a book (or a movie), there’s a thesis, a body and a conclusion.  Ah, but there’s so much within it’s pages (or script)!  It has themes that run through it, a protagonist, an antagonist and many contributing characters.  Sometimes the Lord invites me to examine or explore chapters in my life…the past and those currently being written.  I’ve learned He’s at the center of my growing story; He’s the author and perfector of my faith!   The Lord reveals the relationship with His created people so well in Psalm 139: 2-6; 15-16 ESV.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.  You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it…My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

These words catapulted my healing journey forward, leaping off the page and leaving me undone.  They still do.

I can look back and remember with clarity how the Lord moved in one of the most difficult chapters of my life.  The assaults to my heart, mind and soul were relentless; I could not see what needed care in the moment, let alone the care needed from my past.  It was all in my “safe box” where I learned to keep all the pain.  In my Heavenly Father’s providence and mercy, He allowed the “safe box” to overflow over time and to finally blow its lid.  A kindness.

I met one of my dearest friends at a ministry event.  I realized how the Lord brings people together in providential ways.  As our friendship grew in Christian intimacy, I began to share many of the sources of pain I carried.   I shared how I had experienced PTSD episodes on a few occasions (evidence my “safe box” lid was malfunctioning).  I felt intense humiliation when the “I’m fine” exterior strength clashed with the reality of weakness as I was hyperventilating, sobbing and re-living past violence on the floor of a restaurant restroom.  An uninvited trigger took me to past chapters against my will.  I’m not a fan of re-runs.  It happened after multiple deaths in a short amount of time:  my grandpa (heart failure), my uncle (cancer), my mom (cancer), my friend from small group (lung/heart transplant), my friend from church (epilepsy), my close neighbor (suicide), a husband and wife in an accountability group (homicide/suicide) and my cousin (overdose).  All this grief, along with other relational challenges, left my traumatized soul on overload.  My friend suggested I attend a program called Living Waters.  At the time I was just going through the motions of everyday life.  Short of the occasional PTSD episode, I thought I was managing my life responsibilities and relationships pretty well.  She saw needs I couldn’t see through my survival lenses.  She persisted in her invitations…gentle, loving and accepting for four years!  I finally attended Living Waters in 2006.

My first year as a participant opened my eyes to the truth that I really did matter; I never really thought much about my worth.  I existed, I contributed, I was nice enough, I loved the best I could…was there more?   The intriguing part of the Living Waters journey was the balance between growing in the truth that I was a good gift, and simultaneously discovering the depth of my many weak and broken parts needing God’s merciful forgiveness.  Out of my pain and gaping wounds, I learned to live less than the good my Creator intended.   To admit that out of my fear, illegitimate coping and tendency to self-protect, my reactions were just as offensive as what was done to me.  My heart was divided; bitterness, hatred and anger toward my wounders, yet love for Jesus and His people.  I learned I could not serve two masters.  I was challenged as the hard edges were painfully exposed and chiseled away.   Hebrews 4:12b-13 often convicted me; describing the word of God it says, “it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give an account.”  Clean up on aisle ME was needed.  I didn’t open my clenched fists so easily, but once I took that courageous step it was like the floodgates of freedom opened up!  Pain brought me to my knees, and for once they truly bent before the cross.  That changed everything. 

In my current chapter, I have plenty of opportunities to apply what the Lord has shown me and continues to show me.  I don’t keep these life changing revelations to myself; gifts from God are always meant to be shared.  I keep my heart and mind open to other contributing characters willing to share what I still need.  The antagonist of my soul has not yet been written off.  The developing thesis is dependency on my Heavenly Father.  I long for the concluding paragraph to include, “well done, good and faithful servant.”

Joan is a Certified Mental Health Coach and a Prayer Minister. If you would like to schedule an appointment with her, call 248.956.0265.

Photos of writing and prayer courtesy of www.unsplash.com.

© 2023 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

Overcoming Psychological Abuse: A Summary of a Book by Shannon Thomas LCSW

This article is a summary of the book, Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse, by Shannon Thomas, LCSW. The author is not overtly Christian; however, her writing is supportive of healthy spirituality and she gives indications that she is a Christian. The book is copyright 2016 and available from MAST Publishing House. Dan Hitz compiled this summary. He is a licensed professional counselor, an ordained minister, and the executive director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.

If you’ve ever been the target of a psychological abuser, you know the emotional devastation they can cause. Self-doubt and shame can follow the survivor for years after the abuse and cast doubt on their abilities, their character, and even their own mental health. Psychological abusers can be family members, love interests, co-workers, employers, and even leaders within the local church. Abusers are drawn to people who can make them look good. Once trust is gained, they begin to cannibalize the victim and dismantle the very strengths they were originally drawn to. When the target has served his purpose or begins to implement boundaries, he is discarded and a new target is sought. One that can continue to serve the desires of the abuser.

In her book, Healing from Hidden Abuse, Shannon Thomas describes the journey a survivor of psychological abuse endures during their relationship with the toxic person, and during their recovery in the aftermath of the abuse. She describes the character traits of abusers who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder (commonly referred to as a sociopath or psychopath). Thomas writes that far from being helpless victims of emotional brokenness who aren’t aware of the damage they cause their victims, psychological abusers fully understand the consequences of their actions and calculate almost every move they make. Abusers know how to look good in front of others, and have “perfected their acting skills” to gain the sympathy and trust of those they want to control. They are masters of self-preservation. They are also masters at gas lighting, charisma, anger, and manipulation. Psychological abusers are often well respected by those who know them only casually. These people have only been the target of their positive public relations campaigns. They’ve never been allowed to get close enough to the abuser to see their true colors.

Thomas uses the following analogy to describe the differences between narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths on page 20 of her book:

• A Narcissist will run you over and scold you for being in their way. They will endlessly complain about how you damaged their car.

• A Sociopath will run you over, scold you for being in their way, and smirk because secretly they get entertainment out of the chaos they’ve created.

• A Psychopath will go to great lengths and take calculated steps to ensure they run you over, laugh while doing it, and back up to make sure the most damage is done.

Thomas identifies the six stages of recovery from psychological abuse as despair, education, awakening, boundaries, restoration, and maintenance. She does an excellent job of describing each stage of abuse and guiding the reader through each stage. She provides definitions along the way to help the reader understand each step of their journey.

Stage One: Despair – Thomas explains that most survivors don’t realize that they have been abused in the beginning of their recovery. They seek help because they are emotionally distressed, depressed, anxious, hopeless, and often suicidal. Recovery begins by ensuring the survivor is in a safe place and not in danger of harming themselves or being harmed by another. Next, the therapist helps the survivor look at the source of her emotional distress and her reactions to it. This can be a stressful phase for the survivor.

Stage Two: Education – Psychological abuse is well calculated and strategized. This makes it difficult for the survivor to recognize and describe. This is part of the abuser’s plan. In the education stage, the survivors will learn the techniques used by abusers and gain new words to describe what they have experienced. This will help them identify what they have been through and understand how it has affected them. It will also help them understand the reaction of others who seem to be a part of the abuser’s hierarchy and why no one seemed to come to their rescue.

Stage Three: Awakening – This is the point in the survivor’s recovery where the light switch seems to go on and he can describe what has happened to him. The emotional fog begins to lift and he sees things more clearly. He no longer feels secluded and trapped in the abuse, and begins to feel a sense of strength in his recovery. Recovery is a long process, and many survivors find themselves fluctuating frequently between the awakening stage and despair. The survivor may also begin to experience anger towards his abuser as he begins to recognize more fully how the abuse has affected him.

Stage Four: Boundaries – This is an important stage where survivors have gained enough emotional strength to overcome the addictive sense that they had to the abusive relationship. She will begin taking steps to move away from the abuser. She may have to choose between no longer having any contact with the abuser, such as ending the relationship altogether or finding new employment; or “detached contact” in the case of those with shared custody of children. Setting boundaries with the abuser can be difficult at times, and the survivor will need support. Some survivors may get stuck in this stage.

Stage Five: Restoration – During this stage, the survivor begins to recover the important aspects of her life that have been robbed or damaged by the abuser. These include financial stability, emotional and mental health, material possessions, and life goals. Restoring these aspects of one’s life is a process that can take much longer than survivors anticipate. She will need patience, and the ability to recognize how much progress she has made regardless of what remains to be restored.

Stage Six: Maintenance – In the maintenance stage the survivor feels confident enough to begin enjoying new relationships and challenges with a sense that he will be able to remain safe from future abuse. He will be able to recognize toxic people sooner and use his coping skills to avoid being victimized again. Survivors may occasionally revisit some of the earlier stages of recovery to gain a deeper healing from some of the wounds they have experienced.

If you are a survivor of psychological abuse, Shannon Thomas’s book, Healing from Hidden Abuse, can be a helpful resource in your recovery.

Although psychological abuse is devastating, there is hope. You can receive healing and thrive through the grace and power of Jesus Christ. If you are a survivor of psychological abuse, or are currently involved in a psychologically abusive relationship, we are Reconciliation Ministries are here to walk with you in your healing journey. Call us at 586.739.5114.

Photos used under license with www.shutterstock.com. © 2020 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.  This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.

Afraid of God? Lessons from the Cats...

This article was written by Dan Hitz, Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries, a member ministry of Restored Hope Network. Dan is a sexual abuse survivor and began his own journey out of homosexuality in 1984. He has served as ministry director since 2003. You can find more articles on sexual abuse recovery in the archives section of our website at www.recmin.org. Special thanks to Dan’s daughter for helping with this article and providing the pictures. Oh, and for bringing the cats to our house too!

My daughter had a security job guarding a storage lot for one of the big three automakers. Under the rows and rows of shiny new vehicles protected by a security team and a 7000 volt electric fence, there was an entirely different world. Cats. Yes, cats. Their world was nothing like the protective world of the beautiful cars and trucks. Their world was in the gravel. Instead of the protection of the security team, they were threatened by coyotes and huge rats. Cat life was very dangerous. The cars were carefully guarded and accounted for. Great care was used to get them to their destination. The cats were a different story. They were on their own. Them against the world. And that world was deadly.

The Lord showed me a lot of lessons from the cats. Lessons that were good, yet unfortunate, examples of how the cats’ lives were similar to the life of an abuse survivor.

Enter my animal loving daughter. Somehow those mangy cats stole her heart. I remember the night she brought a bag of cat food to work because she noticed that they were skin and bones. The cats noticed the food. They were desperate. A cat’s gotta eat. Initially they didn’t want anything to do with the benevolent being that brought them the food. When they noticed her, they would run. She kept reaching out to them. They kept running. After about a week, the fluffy one decided to stop running. It let this benevolent creature touch it. Unlike the coyotes and rats, this being’s touch was comforting. It was safe at a distance.

The skinny cat thought differently. Its size suggested that life in the same gravel world was somehow more difficult for it than life for fluffy cat. It needed the food that the benevolent creature provided, but it had zero trust that this creature would be any different than the other creatures that tormented it. At one point my daughter tried to reach out to it. It freaked out and ran away. Unfortunately, while it was running from her it caught one of its paws in a fence and got hurt. In skinny cat’s mind, the creature caused the injury. The heart of the benevolent creature had compassion knowing that life would be so much better for skinny cat if he would just stop running and let her help him. There were other cats in the yard, but they stayed even further away than skinny cat.

My daughter kept feeding them – reaching out to them – to gain their trust. After two weeks, they trusted the benevolent creature enough to enter her guard shack. The door closed behind them and they were in her domain. It was different from the gravel. There was heat. It was warm. My daughter kept caring for them, feeding them. Reaching out to them. Fluffy cat dared to let her hold him. Skinny cat kept resisting. I kinda wonder if skinny cat was watching to see if fluffy cat’s trust would lead to his demise. Skinny cat learned from sad experience that trust is dangerous.

A new day came along. My daughter heard that management was changing things up at the storage lot. Within a few days they would be taking all the cats to an animal shelter. A kill shelter. The benevolent creature knew that she had to remove the cats from their familiar gravel world and take them to a strange new place, or they would die. Kinda hard to explain that to a cat. In order to take them out of gravel world, she had to place them in a cage. I wonder if they felt betrayed in that cage. After all they trusted her and now they felt trapped. And then she brought them to a strange new world of carpet, colorful walls, lights, and people. It must have been overwhelming. They knew gravel world with the occasional venture into the guard shack. Then the cage. And now this. It must have been sensory overload. Did they exercise a tragic error of judgment when they began to trust the benevolent creature?

There were other cats my daughter was willing to rescue along with them, but they ran. Leaving the familiarity of gravel world with an unfamiliar benevolent creature was too much of a risk for them to take. Their lack of trust would later prove fatal.

I remember the first night that my daughter brought fluffy cat and skinny cat home. She led my wife and me to our downstairs bathroom where she was keeping them safe from the two dogs and another feral cat we had brought into our home several years ago. I knew the Lord had something to show me, so I just sat in the background of the room and watched my wife and daughter try to interact with the cats. The loss of gravel world and the newness of carpet world seemed to be too much for them. Fluffy cat wouldn’t let my daughter pet him anymore. We put two small bowls of milk out for the cats to drink. The fragile trust they had in the benevolent creature way back in gravel world seemed to be gone. Instead of the bright lights, warmth and milk of carpet world, they preferred to hide in the darkness under some shelves in our bathroom. They knew the parameters of gravel world. Carpet world is another story. And now there’s three benevolent creatures. Trusting one was hard enough. “Why did she bring other people here to mess with me?”

My wife and daughter didn’t want to overwhelm skinny cat and fluffy cat, so they decided to leave them alone for a while. I stayed behind. Hidden in the background. The second the door shut behind them, skinny cat and fluffy cat lunged for the milk. The benevolent creatures may be terrifying, but the truth is the cats needed the care that the benevolent creatures were trying to give them. They drank that milk up pretty fast.

Carpet world was safe, but it was unfamiliar, and trust in the benevolent creature wasn’t restored in a day. Even my daughter had to hold fluffy cat in a coat that first day lest she experience the terror of psycho kitty. My wife picked up skinny cat with another coat. Both cats were hissing at us. The benevolent creatures were patient. They just sat there holding and loving the terrified cats. They wanted the best for those cats. The cats just couldn’t figure that out.

Gradually, fluffy cat calmed down and let my daughter hold him again without a coat. Skinny cat held onto control. The benevolent creature had to continue using a coat to pick him up, but he was willing to sleep on the bed with her. As long as skinny cat was able to maintain some sense of control, he was okay. He just wasn’t fully convinced that the benevolent creature had his best interests in heart. Finally, as the week wore on and the benevolent creature found an adoption shelter, skinny cat stopped hissing and let my daughter hold him without the coat. Benevolent creatures are patient. They understand. They look beyond the hissing and see the wounded heart that needs love and restoration. That is their goal all along.

Another change. Another ride in a cage. Another loss of familiarity and fear of the new. This time carpet world was exchanged for metal cage world. Other loud, nervous animals. And new benevolent creatures. It turns out that one of the new benevolent creatures at the adoption shelter fell in love with fluffy cat and skinny cat and took them to her home. Cage world started off feeling cold and unloving. It turns out that it was actually a place of great love and compassion where the long-term solution was revealed. The new benevolent creature loved the cats as her own.

Sometimes God keeps things the same. Sometimes he changes things. He doesn’t usually ask our permission. Each time it is a new opportunity to learn the difficult task of trusting Him. He’s patient. He will wrap His coat around us and lovingly hold us while we hiss at Him. People that have never lived in gravel world won’t understand how its residents could have a hard time trusting a benevolent creature. Souls leaving gravel world can understand. Sometimes it was those we trusted – those we thought were benevolent creatures – who played the role of the coyotes and rats. Sometimes we’re afraid to leave gravel world. It is terrible. It is painful. But it’s all we understand. We don’t know how to live in carpet world. It’s hard for us to trust that cage world is only temporary and is actually a safe place while we are transitioning into another carpet world.

Brokenness is scary, but sometimes we prefer it to the unknown. The Lord understands this. There are times when He loves us enough to pick us up out of the familiar and carry us to a new place that we can’t comprehend. We might want to hide under a dark shelf, but He feeds us and teaches us how to live in a strange new place. Sometimes those He has placed in our lives move on. One familiar source of strength may transition elsewhere and be replaced by a new compassionate face. We have to learn to trust all over again. It is during those times that we have to look beyond the immediate and see Jesus Christ, the true Benevolent Creator, orchestrating our lives. He can preserve our lives in gravel world. And in time, restores our hearts in carpet world. He understands. He knows what it is like to be abused in gravel world. Jesus Christ conquered the sin and death of gravel world, and rose victoriously to deliver us.

 

But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed. - Isaiah 53:5 NKJV

© 2018 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.