From "IT" to "MY"

Dennie Asbury has been a friend of Reconciliation Ministries, and a valued member of the Living Waters leadership team for many years. She shares her testimony of forgiveness and healing from having an abortion. Initials are used in this testimony to conceal the identity of those involved.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Colossians 1: 13-14 NIV

At the age of ten I moved from New York to Michigan. TG was a neighbor three houses away. I hung out with his younger sisters mostly, and knew him as their older brother, seven years my senior. I had moved in with my grandmother at the age of 16 after my mother died. When I was 20 years old, I heard that TG’s father died. My sister and I attended the funeral to pay our respects.

At the funeral, TG initiated a conversation, asking me “How is your love life?” I replied, “What is a love life?” TG asked me out and this started a seven-year sexual relationship. We got along fairly well. TG introduced me to many good things and some not so good things. We travelled, camped, hiked, ate at many fine restaurants, all graciously supplied and funded by TG. He also introduced me to pornography and drugs. Throughout the relationship there was never a commitment to longevity. As time went on, I knew in my heart he was not the one I wanted to marry.

In May of 1981, I became pregnant. I was pretty naïve when the doctor asked me if I wanted to terminate. He had to explain what that meant. I told him, “I don’t want ‘IT’.” What I meant in the back of my mind and heart was I didn’t want the lifetime attachment to this man that I really didn’t want to keep around forever. TG made his decision clear, he didn’t want IT either. The doctor made the appointment right from his office for me to go to the hospital to have the abortion the following week.

In between the doctor’s appointment and the next week’s scheduled hospital appointment, TG, my sister, and I went to my brother’s wedding in Ohio. During the car ride to Ohio, I had to stop at rest areas often. My sister questioned if I was pregnant because she had never seen me have to stop so often. I told her that I was, and I was not going to keep IT. She never counseled me otherwise.

The following week TG dropped me off at the hospital for my appointment. I was seated in a huge sterile and cold lobby area with other females and felt so alone and scared. Some of the ladies were so very young and accompanied by their mother. Others like me were alone, and others had someone with them. I was called to a small desk and greeted by a somber woman who went over my credentials and then asked me a simple question, “Are you sure this is what you want to do?” To which I replied, “YES.” There were no options given and I was totally unaware that there were any at that time. I was sent back to sit with the other females who were done with their registration in a separate area away from mothers and guests. I heard so many horror stories about late term and blotched abortions. I maintained as much indifference as possible, thinking that my pregnancy was so early and clearly not a baby like they spoke of. IT was taken from me! TG picked me up after the procedure. I was greeted in the car with a strange gift. It was an empty ornamental box with a degrading comment on it directed toward me sexually. He was now ready to use me to satisfy himself the same day our baby died. This gift left me feeling objectified and profoundly empty. TG and I ended our relationship after I caught him with another woman several years later.

I got married in 1988 to JP and never told him about my many sexual encounters or the abortion before meeting him. We had talked about having children but were never able to conceive. I began to wonder if I was the cause of this because of the abortion. Did it ruin my organs? Is God punishing me? Did I blow my one and only chance of having a child? My heart ached and my husband wasn’t willing to do anything to find out if he was the cause of the infertility. Ten years into the marriage JP found out about the many relationships I had before I met him (After finding my diaries and giving himself permission to read them.) and thereafter he didn’t want anything to do with me. We got divorced within a few years.

In 1999 I got married again. I moved to the east side of Detroit. New friends, new church, new job, and new life. At my new Church I met a new friend who told me she was a volunteer at Compassion Pregnancy. She also shared about several abortions and that she had received healing at Compassion Pregnancy through their Abortion Recovery Class. I felt safe with her and shared what I had been through. At this time my heart was broken and was starting to understand that my IT was a real live baby.

I attended the Abortion Recovery Class and for the first time I was able to feel the guilt, the loss, and the pain of my choice. I now realized my IT was MY baby. I received forgiveness and was able to grieve my loss. During one of the classes, I wrote a letter of forgiveness to myself and everyone that was involved in the abortion process. I was asked to write a letter to my child. I named my child “Toni” for either Antoinette (female) or Anthony (male). On the last day of class, I was able to invite a guest to share in my healing ceremony and read my letter out loud. My friend Shar-ron attended with me and presented me with a beautiful statue [see photo] of an Angel holding a baby. The Angel was called “Grace - Born Anew”. Shar-ron and Toni will always be in my heart.

Although my grievous sin has been forgiven, the loss remains. When the feelings of loss overwhelm me, God calls me close to Himself. I now know that I was not all alone at the hospital. My Loving God and Father was there with me and the Body of Christ grieved for my baby and me until I could.

I’ve gone through much heartache and pain. I now know because of my family of origin I wasn’t taught healthy boundaries, so I made many bad choices. Since my last marriage and being in Living Waters, I know I have a right to set healthy boundaries. Being in a healthy church community and witnessing healthy marriages and friendships helps me grow and trust others more as time goes on. I’ve learned to ask for Godly counseling from trusted leaders in my church and in Living Waters. Today I’m not as anxious around men and I feel a freedom that I’ve never known before. God has a better plan for my life and I trust Him. I have continued to heal and learn of God’s powerful love for me in my church and in Living Waters. In Living Waters, first as a participant and now as a leader, my heart is allowed to unfold before his tender care. I have learned to accept His mercy and grace into the broken and empty places, and now my heart overflows to bless others in need.

“I have called you by your name; You are Mine.”

Isaiah 43:1 NKJV

If you or someone you love is experiencing the pain of abortion, reach out to Reconciliation Ministries for help. Call us today at 586.739.5114. Let us walk with you to Jesus.

Photos supplied by Dennie Asbury. © 2024 Dennie Asbury. This article was printed with the express permission of Dennie Asbury.

A Mother on Her Knees

Cassie has been a precious friend of Reconciliation Ministries for many years. She and her husband, Larry, serve on the Reconciliation Ministries Living Waters team, and coordinate a second Living Waters program in Lake Orion. Cassie has experienced the depths of despair, and the great love of our Heavenly Father. Her life is a wonderful testimony of the grace, redemption, and transformational power of Jesus Christ.

“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
Ezekiel 36:25-26 NIV

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At sixteen years old, I did not feel ready to be a mother, but the thought of abortion never crossed my mind. I knew that couples with empty arms would want to adopt and love my baby.

I was more than 2,300 miles from home and cut off from things like family, love, and security. I did not know who the father might be, but it was comforting to imagine my baby’s wonderful new family. I was trapped in the world of sex trafficking and knew that I had nothing good to offer, except a chance at love, far away from me.

I told my pimp that I was pregnant, certain that he would agree with my plan. His words surprised me: “Get rid of it.” The argument for my little one escalated into violence, and I agreed to abort. Yet, I had no intention to follow through with it. He had promised to kill my family if I ever left him, but I had to take the chance that it was an idol threat. I was certain that a church could help.

My childhood had been filled with wonderful memories of pastors and church members ever present at difficult, joy filled, and in between times. I passed several each day as I worked the streets, and with great hope, I entered one. I thought aloud, “Now, I can have my baby, leave this horrible life, and maybe even return home with a pastor’s help.” I was shaking with fear, relief, excitement, and the most courage I had been able to muster in a long time.

I was not really prepared for the answer I received. It was quite the same at three churches. They could not help. My pimp had told me that I was completely unlovable, even by God, and the same was true for my baby. It was crushing to think that this might be true.

I returned, telling him that I had the abortion, but I secretly waited and hoped for another way out. At 5½ months, he saw that I was still pregnant. He threw me down and stomped my little baby with his boot, then he took me to a late term abortion clinic to finish the job.

The sorrow that came over me after that is difficult to describe. I could not speak. I just wept for days. The sadness was so heavy that I felt that if I slept, I would never wake up. The cruelty of my owner and my inconsolable grief prompted a drug dealer and some other prostitutes, that I knew, to arrange my escape. Their kindness could not make my tears stop. From that time on, I identified as a dead soul.

One year later, I was pregnant again. This time was different. I was home with my family, and I knew who the father was. He, too, insisted on abortion and another argument turned violent, but by this time I did not really care. It was as if the mother heart that God had given me was really dead. I had every opportunity to save this baby, but I did not. People offered me generous help and support. Even my mother, suspecting that I was pregnant, reached out with a plea for life. My soul seemed dead, indeed, and my body, still a grave. No tears for this little one.

My healing journey was not intentional, but my Heavenly Father arranged for it just the same. I no longer called on Him, or had any hope of a walk with Him, but He still fought for me. It started with unexpected tears. Not long after the second abortion, a new mother invited me to a church event. She handed her baby to me so she could use the restroom. She returned several minutes later to take the baby. Tears kept falling for a number of days after that. I could not say why. I decided that I must not like babies.

A few years later my husband and I were hoping to start a family. The two unsuccessful months brought such unbearable sorrow, rage, and a fear that I would not ever conceive. My older sister came into town to stay with me because I was so sad. I would have never imagined that this deep sorrow had anything to do with my abortions.

We were soon thrilled with a positive pregnancy test. While I maintained a vehement “pro-choice” position, I looked forward to motherhood. I had no idea that God had planned to remove my heart of stone and give me a new heart. I also could not have known how much this would hurt.

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In the Spring of 1988, everything would change. We were so very blessed with a healthy son. When the doctor laid him in my arms, all I could say is, “Oh, my God, what have I done?” I said this over and over, as I looked at this precious new life, realizing that I could have aborted him too.

In desperation, I called a cousin of mine from my hospital bed. He was one of those “terrible pro-lifers” that I argued with. I asked him to please help me because I did not know what to do. He put me to work in the pro-life movement, which seemed to me like a good way to try to “work-off” what I had done.

Yet, it was not long before I came across pictures of what abortion actually looks like. I also learned early that all the work, even in the pro-life movement, did not remedy what ached in my heart. I wanted to die in the most brutal and violent way. After confronting the reality of abortion, I lost hope again and could not face God. I could not even pray.

Two beautiful pro-life women that I met reached out to me, explaining that they, too, were post-abortion mothers. They were leaders in a healing ministry that dealt with this. The fact that I did not pray did not matter to them, because they were women of deep faith and prayer.

When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic,
“My son, your sins are forgiven.”
Mark 2:5 MOUNCE

Cassie shines brightly for Jesus and helps othes experience His merciful healing.

The Heavenly Father had been making a way for me. These women walked with me and showed me the power of prayer. During this season I found forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation with God. I also joined my husband’s church, which still blesses me.

Two years later, my older sister lost her first baby to miscarriage and her second to full term still birth. She wanted me to come and stay with her. I still had some shame when I thought about how differently each of our first two children died. I went anyway, because she needed me, but I could not imagine why. While I was there, she told me that she knew that I could understand her grief because she saw what I went through. She desperately needed what God had done for me, so we prayed, and we waited.

Again, He was faithful in bringing good out of unspeakable sorrow, restoring joy, and giving peace that passes all understanding. Many years, many children, and many grandchildren later, His loving presence remains.

For mothers, fathers, and any loved ones who grieve the loss of a child through abortion, He loves you.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 ESV

Call on Him. He answers with a love that changes everything.

If you or someone you love is experiencing the pain of abortion, reach out to Reconciliation Ministries for help. Call us today at 586.739.5114. Let us walk with you to Jesus.

Photos of sad girl and woman with newborn used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

© 2024 Cassie Giroux. This article was printed with the express permission of Cassie Giroux