Dennie Asbury has been a friend of Reconciliation Ministries, and a valued member of the Living Waters leadership team for many years. She shares her testimony of forgiveness and healing from having an abortion. Initials are used in this testimony to conceal the identity of those involved.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Colossians 1: 13-14 NIV

At the age of ten I moved from New York to Michigan. TG was a neighbor three houses away. I hung out with his younger sisters mostly, and knew him as their older brother, seven years my senior. I had moved in with my grandmother at the age of 16 after my mother died. When I was 20 years old, I heard that TG’s father died. My sister and I attended the funeral to pay our respects.

At the funeral, TG initiated a conversation, asking me “How is your love life?” I replied, “What is a love life?” TG asked me out and this started a seven-year sexual relationship. We got along fairly well. TG introduced me to many good things and some not so good things. We travelled, camped, hiked, ate at many fine restaurants, all graciously supplied and funded by TG. He also introduced me to pornography and drugs. Throughout the relationship there was never a commitment to longevity. As time went on, I knew in my heart he was not the one I wanted to marry.

In May of 1981, I became pregnant. I was pretty naïve when the doctor asked me if I wanted to terminate. He had to explain what that meant. I told him, “I don’t want ‘IT’.” What I meant in the back of my mind and heart was I didn’t want the lifetime attachment to this man that I really didn’t want to keep around forever. TG made his decision clear, he didn’t want IT either. The doctor made the appointment right from his office for me to go to the hospital to have the abortion the following week.

In between the doctor’s appointment and the next week’s scheduled hospital appointment, TG, my sister, and I went to my brother’s wedding in Ohio. During the car ride to Ohio, I had to stop at rest areas often. My sister questioned if I was pregnant because she had never seen me have to stop so often. I told her that I was, and I was not going to keep IT. She never counseled me otherwise.

The following week TG dropped me off at the hospital for my appointment. I was seated in a huge sterile and cold lobby area with other females and felt so alone and scared. Some of the ladies were so very young and accompanied by their mother. Others like me were alone, and others had someone with them. I was called to a small desk and greeted by a somber woman who went over my credentials and then asked me a simple question, “Are you sure this is what you want to do?” To which I replied, “YES.” There were no options given and I was totally unaware that there were any at that time. I was sent back to sit with the other females who were done with their registration in a separate area away from mothers and guests. I heard so many horror stories about late term and blotched abortions. I maintained as much indifference as possible, thinking that my pregnancy was so early and clearly not a baby like they spoke of. IT was taken from me! TG picked me up after the procedure. I was greeted in the car with a strange gift. It was an empty ornamental box with a degrading comment on it directed toward me sexually. He was now ready to use me to satisfy himself the same day our baby died. This gift left me feeling objectified and profoundly empty. TG and I ended our relationship after I caught him with another woman several years later.

I got married in 1988 to JP and never told him about my many sexual encounters or the abortion before meeting him. We had talked about having children but were never able to conceive. I began to wonder if I was the cause of this because of the abortion. Did it ruin my organs? Is God punishing me? Did I blow my one and only chance of having a child? My heart ached and my husband wasn’t willing to do anything to find out if he was the cause of the infertility. Ten years into the marriage JP found out about the many relationships I had before I met him (After finding my diaries and giving himself permission to read them.) and thereafter he didn’t want anything to do with me. We got divorced within a few years.

In 1999 I got married again. I moved to the east side of Detroit. New friends, new church, new job, and new life. At my new Church I met a new friend who told me she was a volunteer at Compassion Pregnancy. She also shared about several abortions and that she had received healing at Compassion Pregnancy through their Abortion Recovery Class. I felt safe with her and shared what I had been through. At this time my heart was broken and was starting to understand that my IT was a real live baby.

I attended the Abortion Recovery Class and for the first time I was able to feel the guilt, the loss, and the pain of my choice. I now realized my IT was MY baby. I received forgiveness and was able to grieve my loss. During one of the classes, I wrote a letter of forgiveness to myself and everyone that was involved in the abortion process. I was asked to write a letter to my child. I named my child “Toni” for either Antoinette (female) or Anthony (male). On the last day of class, I was able to invite a guest to share in my healing ceremony and read my letter out loud. My friend Shar-ron attended with me and presented me with a beautiful statue [see photo] of an Angel holding a baby. The Angel was called “Grace - Born Anew”. Shar-ron and Toni will always be in my heart.

Although my grievous sin has been forgiven, the loss remains. When the feelings of loss overwhelm me, God calls me close to Himself. I now know that I was not all alone at the hospital. My Loving God and Father was there with me and the Body of Christ grieved for my baby and me until I could.

I’ve gone through much heartache and pain. I now know because of my family of origin I wasn’t taught healthy boundaries, so I made many bad choices. Since my last marriage and being in Living Waters, I know I have a right to set healthy boundaries. Being in a healthy church community and witnessing healthy marriages and friendships helps me grow and trust others more as time goes on. I’ve learned to ask for Godly counseling from trusted leaders in my church and in Living Waters. Today I’m not as anxious around men and I feel a freedom that I’ve never known before. God has a better plan for my life and I trust Him. I have continued to heal and learn of God’s powerful love for me in my church and in Living Waters. In Living Waters, first as a participant and now as a leader, my heart is allowed to unfold before his tender care. I have learned to accept His mercy and grace into the broken and empty places, and now my heart overflows to bless others in need.

“I have called you by your name; You are Mine.”

Isaiah 43:1 NKJV

If you or someone you love is experiencing the pain of abortion, reach out to Reconciliation Ministries for help. Call us today at 586.739.5114. Let us walk with you to Jesus.

Newsletter

From "IT" to "MY"