There is Hope
/“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - Jesus in John 16:33 NIV
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OUR LATEST NEWSLETTER
When he [Jesus] saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. - Matthew 9:36 NIV
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Needless to say, 2020 has brought challenges that I doubt any of us have ever imagined. This verse has given me a lot of comfort and a lot to think about in the past few days. Jesus, the Great Shepherd, looked out over Jerusalem with compassion because he realized they were “harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd”. What strikes me is the compassion that Jesus had on the very people who would turn on him in a relatively short amount of time. He still longed to gather them together as a hen gathers her chicks and nurture them. Jesus, the Great Shepherd, truly desires to comfort and protect all of His sheep. No matter how far they have fallen from Him. No matter how imperfect they are. Whether they’re getting harassed through no fault of their own, or they’re being harassed because they’ve taken the bait of a fallen world. The bait that looks freeing, yet offers nothing but bondage. Jesus invites all of us to experience His compassion.
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We’ve faced a lot of challenges over the past year. Challenges brought on not only by the pandemic, but also socially and politically. Over the past few weeks, I’ve talked to a lot of people with election anxiety. Both candidates have triggered fear and vulnerability. Of course, there are good people on both sides of this election. Some feel like this nation finally gotten a “good shepherd”. Some feel like their “good shepherd” has been stolen away from them. Some people’s hearts are sinking because the human they’ve seen as their shepherd who could lead them through the challenges of this world seems to have been taken away from them, and efforts to seek justice appear to be falling on deaf ears. Maybe we’ve been looking for a shepherd in the wrong places. Maybe God is trying to get our attention. We need to be looking towards the right shepherd. The Shepherd whose birth is being celebrated all around the world. The only one who suffered and died for our sins. The only one who offers the hope of resurrection life.
Jesus said, “Let not your hearts be troubled…” He is our faithful Shepherd who will never leave us or forsake us. Never! Regardless of the storms of life that we navigate through… Regardless of the sins and weaknesses we wrestle with… Jesus Christ is always waiting for us at the cross. He is the one who will walk with us through the fire. He is the only shepherd who can transform us into His image and carry us through whatever trials come our way. He is our only hope.
Jesus came to have compassion on those who are harassed and helpless. You can have compassion on them too. Reconciliation Ministries is called to serve those who are trapped by the deceitfulness of sin. Those bound by heterosexual lust, pornography, and sexual addiction. Those held captive by LGBTQ identities. Those who were wounded through no fault of their own as helpless victims of sexual abuse. As a member of the Reconciliation Ministries support team, your prayers and financial support can help men, women, and adolescents experience the transformational power of Jesus Christ. You can touch the heart of harassed and hopeless brothers and sisters and help them experience freedom in Christ. Please make a tax-deductible year-end donation to Reconciliation Ministries. You can donate securely online by clicking here. We thank you for helping us bridge the gap between the church and the sexually broken.
In Christ, Dan Hitz and your friends at Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
Minor Attracted Persons – How Will the Church Respond?
/Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a licensed professional counselor, an ordained minister, and a certified clinical trauma professional. Dan helps men, women, and adolescents struggling with sexual brokenness and the trauma of abuse find healing through the transformational power of Jesus Christ.
“Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners. This saying is true, and it can be trusted. I was the worst sinner of all!”
The Apostle Paul in 1 Timothy 1:15 Contemporary English Version
Trigger Warning: This article covers a sensitive topic that some may find triggering. It is not meant to cause distress. It is meant to show that Jesus Christ can forgive, redeem, and transform anyone. Even those many people see as the worst sinners of all.
Certainly there are quite a few cultural firestorms going on right now. Each firestorm has its share of voices. Some loud. Some soft. Some biblical. Some irrational. It’s easy to get our eyes off of Jesus and find our hearts pulled into the turmoil and confusion. During this time, it’s important to keep our eyes and hearts focused on Jesus and trust Him to lead us through the storm.
One of the newest cultural firestorms is in the realm of pedophilia. You may have heard the phrase “minor attracted person”. This firestorm triggers a wide range of emotions. It also triggers a variety of voices. The loudest voice on my personal social media feed shouts something like, “If you touch any of my kids, I’ll kill you.” I’ve heard this voice from Christians and unbelievers alike. The unexpected voice that brought that response says something like, “Sex between adults and ‘consenting’ minors can be a beautiful thing”. Of course, that voice is completely wrong and utterly destructive. It comes from the camp promoting pedophilia (sexual desires directed towards pre-pubescent children), hebephilia (sexual attraction towards those in early adolescence), and ebophilia (sexual attraction towards mid to late adolescents). They are working to normalize the concept of “minor attracted persons” in much the same way that homosexuality and transgenderism have been normalized over the years.
There is another voice coming from those who are acknowledging the concept of minor attracted persons. It has a different goal. That voice comes from those who admit that they are sexually attracted to minors; however, they see such attractions as problematic and believe that engaging in those attractions is to be avoided at all costs. They are the voice saying things like, “I am a minor attracted person, but I do not want to act upon my attractions. I need help”. This voice tends to be very timid. This voice desperately needs help. Help that is very hard to find. It takes a lot of guts for someone to admit that he or she is struggling with attractions that understandably illicit strong negative reactions in the hearts of most people. This group often struggles in silence and isolation. This group desperately needs to hear the voice of the fourth group that says something like, “We hear that you exist and are wrestling with attractions towards something that is very devastating for those involved. Jesus Christ also hears you. He can help you. Jesus Christ can transform your heart and help you overcome attractions to minors.”
That is the voice you will hear from Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan. No matter what you struggle with. No matter what you have done. No matter what has been done to you. We are here to walk with you to Jesus. There is help. There is hope. Through my past twenty years of involvement with Reconciliation Ministries, I’ve had the privilege of seeing Jesus work in the hearts of men and women who were brave enough to admit their sexual attractions to children and come for help. Some acted on their attractions and spent time in the legal system. Others hadn’t acted on their desires, but were already imprisoned in condemnation and shame. I’ve seen Jesus transform the hearts of these precious, men and women – whom many would label as the worst sinners of all – into bright lights for His glory and grace. Some of them have been brave enough to share their stories with others and help them find freedom and transformation in Christ.
I have to mention one of the biggest challenges that those who are attracted to minors face when they consider getting help; the fear of incarceration. Counselors and ministry team members are mandated reporters for suspected acts of child abuse. That means if we suspect that someone has abused a child who is currently under the age of 18, we are legally obligated to report that situation to child protective services and/or law enforcement officials. I’ve had to make some of these difficult calls through the years. I’ve gotten angry responses from a few of those people and their family members. I’ve been threatened. Surprisingly, I’ve also been thanked. One time I had to report a counseling client for violating the terms of his parole by spending time with a minor. After he was confronted by his parole officer, he called to thank me. He explained that he knew he wasn’t supposed to be involved in this type of situation, but he couldn’t stop. He hadn’t harmed the minor at that point, but he was afraid he would have if the situation continued. He was repentant. He owned his sin. He was able to move forward without receiving a parole violation or harming an innocent person.
Although it is true that we are mandated reporters of suspected acts of child abuse, we are also legally obligated to uphold confidentiality in situations that are not reportable. If someone comes to us and tells us that they are attracted to minors but have not acted upon those attractions, we are required to uphold confidentiality and will help that participant receive the help that he or she needs. If someone comes to us and confesses that he or she abused a minor in the past, but that minor is now over the age of 18, we are not required to report that situation. I’m sharing this information so that those who have not committed a reportable situation, but may be fearful of prosecution, can receive the help they need.
The question I have for many of you reading this article is, “How will you respond to someone who admits that he or she is either attracted to children, or is a registered sex offender and is looking to the church for help?” Will you reject him or her outright as the worst type of human being alive, or will you see him as one for whom Jesus died? I’ll admit I struggled with this years ago when the Lord began to call me to work with sex offenders. At this point we had already seen the pain and devastation of sexual abuse on two close family members we loved dearly. I was outraged that God would ask me to work with offenders after seeing the destructive ripple effects of abuse. The Lord replied, “You Christians say so easily, ‘Without the grace of God, there go I.’ Do you really believe that, or is it just something that sounds good?”. I was broken. I replied, “Okay, Lord. Without Your grace, I’m capable of doing so much worse.” To this day, some of the brightest lights I’ve seen for Jesus are sex offenders who have fully repented and have been transformed into men and women who reflect the image of God.
What voice do you hear in your heart? Is it one of fear and rejection, or is it one that calls others to repentance and offers hope for redemption? Of course, we need appropriate boundaries. Even in the church we may have to follow safety protocols and observe parole/probation restrictions. We can create a safe environment while we walk with those who are struggling. We can be ministers of God’s grace and help our brothers and sisters overcome.
If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual attractions to minors, don’t hide in the darkness. We at Reconciliation Ministries are here to walk with you to Jesus. He can transform your heart and equip you to walk in freedom. Call us at 586.739.5114.
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© 2020 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
Overcoming Psychological Abuse: A Summary of a Book by Shannon Thomas LCSW
/This article is a summary of the book, Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse, by Shannon Thomas, LCSW. The author is not overtly Christian; however, her writing is supportive of healthy spirituality and she gives indications that she is a Christian. The book is copyright 2016 and available from MAST Publishing House. Dan Hitz compiled this summary. He is a licensed professional counselor, an ordained minister, and the executive director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
If you’ve ever been the target of a psychological abuser, you know the emotional devastation they can cause. Self-doubt and shame can follow the survivor for years after the abuse and cast doubt on their abilities, their character, and even their own mental health. Psychological abusers can be family members, love interests, co-workers, employers, and even leaders within the local church. Abusers are drawn to people who can make them look good. Once trust is gained, they begin to cannibalize the victim and dismantle the very strengths they were originally drawn to. When the target has served his purpose or begins to implement boundaries, he is discarded and a new target is sought. One that can continue to serve the desires of the abuser.
In her book, Healing from Hidden Abuse, Shannon Thomas describes the journey a survivor of psychological abuse endures during their relationship with the toxic person, and during their recovery in the aftermath of the abuse. She describes the character traits of abusers who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder (commonly referred to as a sociopath or psychopath). Thomas writes that far from being helpless victims of emotional brokenness who aren’t aware of the damage they cause their victims, psychological abusers fully understand the consequences of their actions and calculate almost every move they make. Abusers know how to look good in front of others, and have “perfected their acting skills” to gain the sympathy and trust of those they want to control. They are masters of self-preservation. They are also masters at gas lighting, charisma, anger, and manipulation. Psychological abusers are often well respected by those who know them only casually. These people have only been the target of their positive public relations campaigns. They’ve never been allowed to get close enough to the abuser to see their true colors.
Thomas uses the following analogy to describe the differences between narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths on page 20 of her book:
A Narcissist will run you over and scold you for being in their way. They will endlessly complain about how you damaged their car.
A Sociopath will run you over, scold you for being in their way, and smirk because secretly they get entertainment out of the chaos they’ve created.
A Psychopath will go to great lengths and take calculated steps to ensure they run you over, laugh while doing it, and back up to make sure the most damage is done.
Thomas identifies the six stages of recovery from psychological abuse as despair, education, awakening, boundaries, restoration, and maintenance. She does an excellent job of describing each stage of abuse and guiding the reader through each stage. She provides definitions along the way to help the reader understand each step of their journey.
Stage One: Despair – Thomas explains that most survivors don’t realize that they have been abused in the beginning of their recovery. They seek help because they are emotionally distressed, depressed, anxious, hopeless, and often suicidal. Recovery begins by ensuring the survivor is in a safe place and not in danger of harming themselves or being harmed by another. Next, the therapist helps the survivor look at the source of her emotional distress and her reactions to it. This can be a stressful phase for the survivor.
Stage Two: Education – Psychological abuse is well calculated and strategized. This makes it difficult for the survivor to recognize and describe. This is part of the abuser’s plan. In the education stage, the survivors will learn the techniques used by abusers and gain new words to describe what they have experienced. This will help them identify what they have been through and understand how it has affected them. It will also help them understand the reaction of others who seem to be a part of the abuser’s hierarchy and why no one seemed to come to their rescue.
Stage Three: Awakening – This is the point in the survivor’s recovery where the light switch seems to go on and he can describe what has happened to him. The emotional fog begins to lift and he sees things more clearly. He no longer feels secluded and trapped in the abuse, and begins to feel a sense of strength in his recovery. Recovery is a long process, and many survivors find themselves fluctuating frequently between the awakening stage and despair. The survivor may also begin to experience anger towards his abuser as he begins to recognize more fully how the abuse has affected him.
Stage Four: Boundaries – This is an important stage where survivors have gained enough emotional strength to overcome the addictive sense that they had to the abusive relationship. She will begin taking steps to move away from the abuser. She may have to choose between no longer having any contact with the abuser, such as ending the relationship altogether or finding new employment; or “detached contact” in the case of those with shared custody of children. Setting boundaries with the abuser can be difficult at times, and the survivor will need support. Some survivors may get stuck in this stage.
Stage Five: Restoration – During this stage, the survivor begins to recover the important aspects of her life that have been robbed or damaged by the abuser. These include financial stability, emotional and mental health, material possessions, and life goals. Restoring these aspects of one’s life is a process that can take much longer than survivors anticipate. She will need patience, and the ability to recognize how much progress she has made regardless of what remains to be restored.
Stage Six: Maintenance – In the maintenance stage the survivor feels confident enough to begin enjoying new relationships and challenges with a sense that he will be able to remain safe from future abuse. He will be able to recognize toxic people sooner and use his coping skills to avoid being victimized again. Survivors may occasionally revisit some of the earlier stages of recovery to gain a deeper healing from some of the wounds they have experienced.
If you are a survivor of psychological abuse, Shannon Thomas’s book, Healing from Hidden Abuse, can be a helpful resource in your recovery.
Although psychological abuse is devastating, there is hope. You can receive healing and thrive through the grace and power of Jesus Christ. If you are a survivor of psychological abuse, or are currently involved in a psychologically abusive relationship, we are Reconciliation Ministries are here to walk with you in your healing journey. Call us at 586.739.5114.
Photos used under license with www.shutterstock.com. © 2020 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ. Galatians 2:8
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Thank you for helping those who are bound by sin experience the transforming grace and love of Jesus Christ. My heart was burdened this week as I joined other Restored Hope Network member ministry leaders in prayer for the sexual brokenness of our country. My heart was especially burdened for those in the younger generation who believe the lie that sexual orientation and gender identity are determined at birth and unchangeable. They are feeding on a constant media frenzy celebrating sexual brokenness and perversion. Many seem to take delight in running as fast and as far away from traditional sexual norms as they can. Many of us in the older generation know all too well that the temporary ecstasy of false sexual freedom eventually fades to heartache and pain. More tragically, it moves those who celebrate it further away from the redemption and transformation that Jesus Christ has to offer. Most of these people are culturally good people. Many do great things and know how to celebrate community. They are sincere in their pursuit of sexual excitement and proving that love is love. My heart breaks with the realization that they are sincerely wrong. I pray that these beautiful people experience the awesome love of Jesus Christ. May they surrender to Him and experience transformation deep in their souls that leads to true sexual freedom.
Your prayers and financial support to Reconciliation Ministries offer hope to those struggling with sexual and relational brokenness. You offer a safe place for precious men, women, and adolescents to bare their hearts, ask questions, and hear truth about their sexuality. You offer a healing place for those who have been devastated by abuse to experience the healing power of Jesus Christ. Reconciliation Ministries is a place founded on Biblical truth where men and women who have experienced the redemption and transformation that Christ offers, walk with those who are struggling to the foot of the cross. A place where the broken are made whole.
Please make a tax-deductible donation today to touch the hearts of people in need. You can donate securely online by clicking here. Your financial gift can help transform lives.
In Christ,
Dan Hitz and your friends at Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
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The Mandalorian in Me: Self-Protection in the Wake of Abuse
/Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional, EMDR trained, and an ordained minister. This article shares some emotional thoughts common to many abuse survivors. More resources are available on the newsletter archives section of our website at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.
He woke up with me at red alert today. That Mandalorian in me. Many of us abuse survivors have them. Some deep inside. Others right on the surface. Ready to swing into protection at a moment’s notice. Heavily armored. Full helmet and mask. Full body armor. We have to make sure that no one – NO ONE – messes with the fearful, vulnerable part of our hearts. NO ONE. Sometimes he’s actually effective. Usually he creates a bigger mess and causes even more problems. Sometimes. Just sometimes. He actually sees the need in other people and risks something of himself to help them. Actually… for some Mandalorians… they risk a lot for other people. Is it too much? They don’t want others to face the same devastation they… themselves… have faced… Maybe even a broken motive? If we help others, maybe we won’t feel like such a useless failure. Maybe we’re trying to fabricate our own significance. Nevertheless. The armor remains. Even with those they’ve helped... No one sees behind the mask... NO ONE!
Okay, it might be obvious by now that I’ve spend some time during our stay at home order for COVID-19 watching The Mandalorian on Disney Plus. Slight spoiler alert: I’m only on episode six or so, so I don’t even know how the season ends. The stuff I’ll share here is pretty much what you would figure out even before you get through the first couple of episodes.
The Mandalorian is a series on Disney Plus based on the Star Wars film series. It follows an intergalactic bounty hunter who goes after notorious bad guys, and a few others whom the bad guys, themselves, are looking for. Of course, he carries himself like he’s not afraid of anything. Mandalorians don’t show much emotion. Maybe he just figures he’s got nothing to lose.
The Mandalorian wears special protective armor and a helmet – a mask – that he never takes off in front of anyone. Someone once asked him what happens if he takes off his mask. He said that he would never be allowed to put it back on. Forget taking off the armor. That’s not going to happen. He never gives up his protection. NEVER. Sound familiar? Many of us worry about taking off our mask. What if someone sees that vulnerable part of us underneath? What if we can never go back into hiding again?
I was triggered this morning when I woke up to an email from someone who had wounded me deeply. They were asking me for a favor. I’m not the only person on this planet who could help them, so I found myself wondering what their motives were. Past history had shown me that things aren’t usually what they appear to be with this person. I could feel the adrenaline rush hit me as I read the email. I could feel the anger. The vulnerability. The questioning of what to do. Would I listen to the upset and angry part of my heart? Would I do what the Lord would want me to do for the sake of many others? This Mandalorian found himself reaching for his weapons. Not sure if I was going to need them. Not sure if I was going to use them. Wondering if I was protected. I had actually been secretly hoping this person would ask me for help someday so I could say no. I wanted paybacks. Now that day is here. Will I get my paybacks? Other people would benefit from what they’re asking me to do. If I lower my weapon and become vulnerable, will I be protected? Will God really come through?
If you’re an abuse survivor, the battle might just sound familiar. We wear a mask. We’ve created our own heavy armor. We guard the fearful, vulnerable part of our hearts and rarely – if ever – allow it to be seen by anyone. Just like the character in the show, we try so hard to be self-sufficient, yet we find ourselves needing the help of other people. Like it or not, we end up letting others help us. Sometimes they’re good. They help because it’s the right thing to do. They don’t want anything from us in return. Sometimes their motives stink. They help because they want something from us. Their eyes seem to wander, and their hearts seem to be grabbing while they’re helping us. Truth be told, the Mandalorian in us isn’t much different from them. We’ve worked so hard at staying behind our own protective armor that we realize our own efforts are lacking. We have some deep voids. We start gravitating to people who have what we think we need. Sometimes they’re good people. Sometimes they’re not. Yup… Sometimes we help others with no ulterior motives. Sometimes we don’t. Like the Mandalorian in the show, we find ourselves making deals with some pretty unsavory people because we don’t know how else we’re going to survive. A lot of times that just seems to make things worse. Sometimes it even convinces us we need even more armor.
There is one aspect in the heart of many abuse survivors I haven’t seen in the show yet. After all, explosions and narrow escapes are much more exciting than the other side of the equation. We may spend a lot of time behind our own protective armor, but many of us also have an “anti-Mandalorian” buried deep inside our hearts. That’s the part of our hearts that actually does give up. The part of our hearts that ends up agreeing with our abusers. We surrender. We lie down in defeat. After all… if we give up and surrender the battle ends. Then we can try to convince ourselves that it all makes sense. “No wonder they treat me like garbage. That’s what I am.” Usually we use stronger words than that, but I’m trying to be nice. Instead of fighting like the Mandalorian, our anti-Mandalorian just rolls over and lets others walk all over us. We’re hoping that the destruction just gets over with quickly, and then the problem will leave us alone. When it does drag on, we tell ourselves it’s what we deserve. Maybe that one battle did end. But the war goes on.
So what is the answer? How do we let the Lord touch our hearts so that our inner Mandalorian stops trying to be self-sufficient and stops fighting our battles in our own strength? The “easy” Christian answer is to lay down our own armor and put on the armor of God. That answer is true. We do need the armor of God. But for people who have experienced significant trauma, exchanging our own armor for the armor of God is a lot easier said than done. Yet… it still needs to be done. But how? Even deeper than the Mandalorian in the heart of an abuse survivor is that part of our hearts that wonders where God was during the trauma. Was He there? Did He care? Why didn’t He stop it? I would say that those are questions that every abuse survivor has to wrestle with multiple times in their lives. We might not bring it up in general conversation. I doubt we would freely bring it up in a typical church Bible study where, unfortunately, this level of vulnerability is rare. But God really does have answers to the questions buried deep in our hearts.
God knows we have these questions. God isn’t insecure or emotionally unstable. He won’t get upset if we talk to Him about our questions. In fact, He even encourages us to talk to Him about our questions in Isaiah 1:18 which reads, “Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the Lord, “Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They shall be as wool.” Reasoning implies disagreement. I don’t need to reason with someone if I’m in full agreement with them. In fact, this section of Isaiah was written for Israel when they were in rebellion against God. Even then, He invited them to reason with Him and hear His heart. He reminded them of the blessings of obedience and the consequences of disobedience. Most of the time we bring those consequences upon ourselves. Can you see how any of your past experiences with your own Mandalorian have caused more problems than they solved? How many pieces is your heart broken into?
Jesus came to heal the broken pieces of our hearts. One of my favorite sections of Scripture is Jesus’ first sermon when He quotes Isaiah 61. That was actually a prophesy about Himself. He declares that the Father sent Him to “heal the brokenhearted” and set the captives free. In the original language, the term “broken hearted” refers to shards of glass as if you broke a mirror. As we reason with the Father and open our hearts to Jesus, He graciously begins to heal one shard of glass in our hearts at a time and put us back together. He sincerely answers those difficult questions we have deep in our heart. He builds trust. The energy and self-protection of our inner Mandalorian becomes transformed into a submitted warrior for God. The energy once used in self-protection is now focused on holy pursuits. The hopeless surrender of our anti-Mandalorian becomes transformed into hopeful surrender to God. We receive eternal benefits. Instead of trying to create our own significance, we truly grasp how our significance is complete in Christ. We can forgive others while we maintain holy boundaries. Rather than grasping and clawing for what we need, we can serve others for the joy set before us and trust the Lord to provide for our needs. Best of all, we can surrender our own self-protective armor and truly put on the armor of God. Not just in our heads. It begins to grow deeper in our heats. As we learn to become vulnerable to God, we find the strength… the love… and the security we’ve been craving all along.
After I finish writing this article, I’m going to go do the favor for the person who offended me in the past. Not out of self-protection, agreeing with my offender, or seeking significance. But because it’s the right thing to do. Other people will receive eternal benefit from the action. Best of all, I now have peace.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. - Ephesians 6:10-17 NIV
Photo of eye courtesy of www.unsplash.com. Photo of man used under license with www.shutterstock.com. © 2020 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
Never Underestimate the Power of Prayer
/So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10 [NIV]
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. – David in Psalm 56:3 [NIV]
There seems to be a lot of fear these days. Politically, socially, and especially medically. I’m not a doctor, neither do I understand virulent diseases. I can’t even begin to evaluate how much of the current COVID-19 issue is media and political fearmongering, and how much is absolute wisdom. The verses listed above seem to sum up what’s going on in the hearts of a lot of us. The Bible and Jesus clearly tell us not to fear in many situations where fear seems like a perfectly logical emotion. I’m thinking of Mark 4:35-41 when Jesus told the disciples to get in the boat and go to the other side of the lake. While they were in the middle of the lake a storm broke out and nearly sank the boat. That seems like a completely appropriate time to be afraid and the disciples started freaking out, yet Jesus was sound asleep. When the disciples did wake Him up, He calmed the storm and then rebuked them for panicking. He was trying to teach the disciples to trust the Father in the middle of the storm.
We see another example in Scripture where things look really bad and Jesus urges us not to be afraid. In Luke, Chapter 21, Jesus tells the disciples how they will be persecuted, put on trial, and maybe even killed. He follows those words with something that seems completely contradictory. He tells the disciples to “hold steady”, and that not one hair on their head will perish. That’s a bit confusing on the surface, yet we know that we are living for eternity and Jesus is 100% honest and trust worthy. There is a deeper message there. No matter what happens to our bodies, if we hold on to Jesus no one can harm our eternal souls. And there’s even more… As a recovering abuse survivor, He’s taught me that no matter what someone did or does to my body against my will, my soul is surrounded by God’s presence. The abuse did have its emotional and physical effects, yet God’s power transforms and restores. Not only are we preserved for eternity, we are empowered to fulfill God’s purpose in the here and now. Hardships don’t block us from fulfilling God’s will for our lives, hardships embraced with Christ empower us to fulfill God’s will for our lives.
Never underestimate the power of prayer. This message has been driven home to me throughout the past few months. Next week my wife will be returning home after an extended time away helping her elderly mother navigate through some personal and business challenges. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship, and I’m eagerly awaiting her return. I miss her. Her two month absence brought up some challenges for both us and our kids, logistically and emotionally. Truth be told, it’s been a challenge and I haven’t always felt the grace to be at peace throughout the experience. It showed me the tremendous power of your prayers during my six month ministry in Thailand. Marianne was with me in the middle of my time there for two months, but I was also there for four months without her. Even during the most difficult times in Thailand when I was alone, we had much more grace to navigate through the challenges than we have had in the past two months without that prayer covering. Never underestimate the power of your prayers. First of all, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the fantastic prayer covering during my time in Thailand. Your prayers have had a tremendous impact for eternity that none of us will fully realize until we’re in Heaven. Secondly, as we all navigate through the challenge of COVID-19 and the challenging social and political landscape, it is crucial that we spend time in God’s presence and open our hearts deeply to Him. It is only in God’s presence that we have the strength to “hold steady” and fear not. Time with the Lord will empower us to boldly fulfill the call of God in our lives. God will never fail us. Ever!
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7 [NIV]
Photos used courtesy of www.unsplash.com.
(c) 2020 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
“I just need help overcoming _______! Why are you asking me about my past?” Understanding Prayer Ministry and EMDR Therapy – Dan Hitz
/Dan Hitz is the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Clinically Certified Trauma Professional, EMDR trained, and an ordained minister. This article explains why it is necessary to explore one’s past while overcoming current addictions and emotional distress. The article will also explore the difference between two effective forms of care – prayer ministry and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing [EMDR].
If you’ve ever tried to overcome addictive sin, or even a plain ol’ bad habit, you know how difficult it can be. You might even know the twelve steps by heart. Maybe you tell other people how to overcome life challenges. You know how it’s supposed to be, but somehow you just can’t get it to work for you. Much of typical recovery boils down to a “fake it till you make it” approach. The problem is that our own will power only seems to work for a little while before the bottom drops out. We’ve even prayed and asked God to “take these desires away”. We’ve felt His presence during those prayers, but the desires remain. What gives?
Over the years at Reconciliation Ministries, we’ve seen the Lord heal many men and women from the trauma of abuse and neglect. Most of them didn’t come to us because of their wounds from abuse and neglect. They came to us seeking help in overcoming current sexual sins and struggles with their relationships. One of the things we talk about early in their time with us is their childhood history. It’s not unusual to have them ask, “These things happened to me over twenty years ago and I’m trying to overcome my pornography addiction right now. Why do we have to talk about something that happened a long time ago?” That’s a legitimate question. The truth is that what happened to us while we were growing up gets put into this big file cabinet in our hearts and influences the choices we make today. Our current sin and dysfunctional behavior is very often a broken reaction to a problem that started a long time ago.
If we grew up in a “healthy enough” family, the file cabinet in our hearts is in pretty good shape. Major events happened, our parents nurtured us and taught us how to cope with stress, and those experiences get put into a bunch of hanging file holders in our hearts. Each different hanging file holder has a bunch of individual files in it that confirm our healthy perceptions, and give us information of how to proceed in similar situations as they arise later in our lives. Our healthy enough family has taught us pretty good coping skills, and given us the confidence we need to take appropriate initiative in the challenges life brings our way. However, if we’ve grown up in a dysfunctional family and have experienced abuse, our file system isn’t so efficient. The files aren’t in alphabetical order. Some might actually be missing. Sometimes there’s so much bad information in our cabinet that it can’t even hold the good information that comes our way. The bad experiences keep falling out when we least expect it, making a mess of everything. When life happens, we don’t have many healthy resources to draw from to tell us how to navigate a current challenge.
Life can get tough. That’s why we need to talk about our childhoods in the context of overcoming our current sin and emotional brokenness. The things we’re wrestling with today are very often sinful, illegitimate ways of dealing with the pain that happened a long time ago. We’re addicted to porn because we fear the pain of rejection and loneliness. We drink because we don’t know what else to do with the hurt. We’re drawn to sinful sexual activity because we’ve learned some pretty broken messages along the way. Messages like, “Sex is all I’m good for,” or “I deserve to be abused.” We keep reaching into the broken file cabinets in our hearts and pulling out bad information. We hate it, but it feels familiar. The thought of Biblical sexuality just seems too far outside our grasp. Sometimes the thought of being healthy scares us.
So how do we overcome the painful influences of our past? There are a variety of ways. The first step is to connect our hearts to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to lead the way. That thought alone can be terrifying to some of us who grew up in the church. Some have been deeply wounded by people who professed to be Christians, yet did things to us that were about as far from Christianity as they could be. Others grew up with no concept of God whatsoever. We assumed that God is just like our parents. Those who should have been the safest people in our lives may have caused us the most harm. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to trust God. He is gracious. He responds to even the weakest yes. As we say yes to God to the best of our ability, He begins to work in the depths of our soul. He begins to transform our hearts.
The next step is to be honest about our needs, and find a safe Christian who can walk with us in our healing process. We can start by reaching out to the pastoral care department of our local church. You can also call a licensed Christian counselor. Safe people can help you sort through the file cabinet in your heart and start making changes. Recovery programs, pastoral care, and Biblical licensed professional counseling can be an essential part of your healing. It can help you understand the Lord’s will for your life, provide valuable instructions for recovery, and offer support.
During the early stages of your recovery, you’ll look at things like accountability, boundaries, and ways to avoid sin. As your recovery progresses, you’ll need to start looking at the root issues of your addiction. The main need you have is not to stop doing whatever it is you’re trying to stop doing. The main need you have is to seek healing to resolve the deeper emotional issues that are causing you to do the things that you are trying to stop doing. Those are the root issues of your brokenness – the messed up files in your heart. The broken things you keep doing are the fruit issues. They’re what happens when you access those messed up files as you navigate through life.
Reconciliation Ministries offers two highly effective techniques to address the root issues of your recovery. We’ve been offering prayer ministry for years. We start with the current events and triggers – the things that bother you and cause you to react negatively – and follow them back to significant times in your young life that you had similar experiences. As we’re growing up, we often misinterpret the bad things that happen to us. Even though our adult brains can logically recognize that other people treated us inappropriately, we can still believe in our hearts that we’re defective, unworthy, hopeless… you name it. Our broken reactions in our early life created the belief systems that are driving the problems we’re dealing with now. Jesus meets us in our brokenness and replaces the lies we believe about ourselves with the truth. Sinful patterns are broken, and replaced with healthier ways of navigating through life.
Reconciliation Ministries recently began offering EMDR therapy. Sometimes we feel like the trauma that happened twenty years ago is still happening today. We respond according to how we feel and keep the brokenness going. If we suffered abuse as a young child, we may still feel unsafe as an adult. We might be in a constant state of “red alert” and overact at the slightest hint of injustice. We might even misinterpret someone’s good intentions and drive them away out of fear that we might get hurt again. EMDR helps reprocess the negative experiences of our lives that taught us our broken responses, and helps us respond in a healthier way.
Prayer ministry and EMDR are similar in many ways. Both operate out of the recognition that we “feel what we believe” in our hearts, and act out of those beliefs in our daily lives. We might know in our head that Jesus loves us and that we have value, but if we feel unlovable and worthless we’ll end up acting out of our insecurity. We’ll do things that bring conflict and cause more feelings of unworthiness. Prayer Ministry and EMDR work to help the truths that we believe in our heads become the truth that we believe and act upon in our hearts. Both techniques help us understand the truth about our earlier life experiences, and replace our broken beliefs with healthy beliefs that set us free. The files in our hearts become organized. The roots of our brokenness get resolved, and we begin to produce healthier, Biblical fruit. Prayer ministry and EMDR both work on the way that the Lord created our brains to process our current events in the context of our past experiences, and resolve our inner conflicts as we learn new information at a heart level. Both techniques reinforce godly principles.
The differences between prayer ministry and EMDR are what helps them be versatile recovery tools. For prayer ministry to work, the participant needs to allow themselves to feel the emotions of the present trigger, and allow the Holy Spirit to help him link those feelings back to a significant time earlier in his life when he felt similar emotions. Once he follows the emotional trail back to a key event that is the source of his negative emotions, we look for a core belief about self that is driving the emotions and the present pain or dysfunction. It will always be a simple belief about self. “I am worthless.” “I should have stopped the abuse.” “I am alone.” If we asked the person what his head is telling him, he would usually always have the correct response. “I have value in Christ.” “I was a small child and could not stop the abuse.” “Jesus is always with me.” The problem is that our hearts don’t always believe what our heads know to be true. It is during this portion of the prayer ministry that we ask the Lord to speak to the participant’s heart concerning the core belief. As he hears the truth from the Lord, the participant’s heart knowledge starts to believe what he already knew to be true in his head. Since we feel and act upon what we believe in our hearts, the person now believes the truth that he does have value and he begins to live according to that belief. The negative emotions in the core belief are now replaced with positive emotions that reflect the truth. The belief in the current memory that triggered the past pain is also replaced with the truth, and the participant is able to experience present interactions with a healthier perspective.
EMDR also follows the emotional trail from a present trigger to a significant event in the participant’s life when she formed a belief about herself and the world. While prayer ministry focuses on emotions and trusts that the Lord will help the person to follow the emotional trail back to the original memory, EMDR uses a process that relies upon the way the Lord designed our brains to automatically link our life experiences and resolve our inner conflicts once the proper memory connections are made. Although the participant still needs to understand the emotions experienced in an event, she does not have to connect as fully to the emotions as she would in prayer ministry. This process can be helpful for those who have difficulty allowing themselves to focus on, and re-experience the emotions of a traumatic event. The process of EMDR works on a principle similar to REM sleep, or rapid eye movement sleep. When we dream, our minds are reprocessing the stressful events of the day as our eyes move from side to side. This helps to defuse the stress of the day, and we often wake up with a fresh perspective and feeling better. That’s one of the reasons we might say, “Let’s sleep on it and we’ll make a decision in the morning”.
When we experience a life event, the “news report” of the situation is processed in the left side of our brain. The left side of our brain is logical and analytical. The emotional response to the event is processed in the right side of our brains, which is more emotional and creative. Under normal circumstances, both sides of our brains communicate together and successfully process our experiences. Stress is resolved, lessons are learned, and initiative is formed. When we experience trauma such as sexual abuse, the left and right sides of our brains don’t process the information properly. The emotional response to the abuse gets stored far away from the news report of the abuse and our brains can’t resolve the conflict. We may get stuck in a fight, flight, or freeze response and feel like we’re stuck in the trauma. By processing the event while using side to side eye movements similar to REM sleep, we begin to help our brains process the traumatic event and our inner conflicts get resolved. Instead of eye movements, we can also use sounds that alternate from side to side or little hand held devices that vibrate back and forth. EMDR helps our brains process the traumatic experiences properly, and brings resolution to the traumatic events. Our past conflict is resolved and we now have a sense of peace and calm.
While it may be painful to revisit our old wounds in the beginning, the benefit is lasting freedom in the long run. The pain and trauma that has held us captive for years gets replaced with peace and calm. The pain of the past no longer fuels the addictions and negative behavior that messes up our daily lives. We’ll get more of our hearts back. We’ll be better able to recognize the value of God’s unique design for us personally, and fulfill His call on our lives.
If you’ve experienced sexual abuse, trauma, or neglect; prayer ministry and EMDR may help you. They can also help resolve depression, anxiety, and addictive behaviors. The therapists at Reconciliation Ministries will begin by taking a detailed history of your life. This will help us understand your needs, and the events in your life that we may need to visit during your treatment. We’ll help you understand how your past is affecting you in the present, and teach you ways to cope with stress and anxiety outside the sessions. We’ll help you decide which is best for you, traditional talk therapy, prayer ministry, EMDR, or a combination of methods. Then we’ll walk with you as you process your past emotional wounds and learn healthy ways to interact with the world around you. Of course, all of this will be done in a safe, confidential, Christian environment as we focus on Jesus Christ.
If you or someone you care about is wrestling with sexual sin, relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, or the aftermath of abuse; call Reconciliation Ministries at 586.739.5114. Let us walk with you to Jesus. He can heal your heart and transform your life.
All photos courtesy of www.unsplash.com. © 2020 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
Home for the Holidays
/For many of us, the holidays are filled with anxiety that comes with revisiting the dysfunctional family dynamics of our youth. Family get-togethers sometimes place us in the presence of those who have offended us or have the potential to trigger our unresolved wounds – sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose. The purpose of this article is to help you prepare for family gatherings so that you can walk through them with realistic expectations and minimal emotional stress.
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Pray. This may seem cliché, but the most important preparation you can make for your family gathering is to pray. It is important to communicate with the Lord prior to the event and share your hopes and fears. This is the time to ask Him for help and protection in your specific areas of need, and to be reminded of who you are in Him. You can also pray for the difficult people that you will be spending time with, and ask the Lord to put a guard on their hearts as well as yours. Ask trusted others to pray for you. Sometimes just knowing that others are praying for you will give you the extra boost of confidence you need.
Maintain realistic expectations. It is important to maintain realistic expectations through the holidays. People will not change just because it’s Christmas. You may have taken the time to get healthy, but others may not. They will most likely do what they have always done. If they were overbearing and critical before the Christmas tree went up, they will most likely be overbearing and critical after the tree goes up – and even during the process. Reminding yourself of realistic expectations will help you avoid getting your hopes dashed by reality. This is far different from telling yourself to expect a catastrophe so that you won’t be disappointed if one happens. This is simply reminding yourself of your difficult relative’s character so you can make proper emotional preparations.
Some people do not do well during the holidays because it reminds them of their past abuse. If you were abused during the holiday season by a visiting relative or during a sleepover while on Christmas vacation, this time of year may automatically trigger anxiety and depression. Make plans to have safe others to confide in if you feel your emotional pressure rising. This will help you get the support you need before you reach a breaking point. Recognizing your own vulnerability and making preparations for assistance is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of healthy personal insight and good coping skills.
Establish appropriate boundaries. Decide prior to your gathering what behavior you will and will not accept. Choose not to allow your family members to treat you disrespectfully, or try to bring you into the middle of their conflict. Decide your course of action ahead of time if a family member violates your boundaries. For example, if someone begins to call you disrespectful names you can calmly state that you won’t allow the person to treat you in a disrespectful manner. If he continues to do so you can remove yourself from that conversation and try to join another conversation, ask him to leave your house, or decide to leave the gathering yourself. When establishing boundaries with others, it is best to keep yourself calm and speak matter of factly. Follow through on your boundaries without yelling. Yelling actually tends to decrease your influence and often plays into the other person’s plan of trying to stir up your emotions. Don’t be surprised when those who are used to violating your boundaries continue trying to do so after you have informed them of your boundaries. They are used to doing so and may not take you seriously. Sometimes their negative behavior may actually get worse for a season while they try to figure out how serious you are about your boundaries. They may try to get you to give up. Calmly stand firm and hold your ground. The other person will have to decide how they will respond to your boundaries. It is great if they change and learn to respect you. In this case your relationship with that person may improve. If they decide not to respect your boundaries you may have to distance yourself from them and keep yourself in a position where they are unable to offend you.
Recognize that your family members are broken. Pray, pray, pray… but remember that it is not your job to fix them. Broken people do broken people things. This is not an excuse for poor treatment, but it may help you to put the issue into proper perspective. Remember to implement you boundaries, and resist the urge to walk on eggshells trying to guess what to avoid or do to keep the other person happy. Do what is right before the Lord and walk in obedience to Him.
Recognize that the issue usually isn’t about you. Don’t let another person’s dysfunction become your dysfunction. Are they reacting to their own deeper emotional issues? Are they merely angry people who take out their anger on anyone who happens to get in the way? Dysfunctional people are operating out of their own brokenness. Even if you do make a mistake, they are the ones choosing to react in a healthy or unhealthy manner. Some dysfunctional people try to pull you into their problems and blame them on you. In situations like this it is helpful to remind yourself that this isn’t your problem and choose not to take it from them. This doesn’t mean that you are heartless and uncaring. It simply means that you are choosing to become healthy and allow others to experience the consequences of their own poor decisions.
Don’t bite the bait. Many dysfunctional people are addicted to drama and try to pull others into their own internal hurricanes. They may try to provoke you or highlight your imperfections to justify themselves. Others may try to blame their own inappropriate behavior on you. Resist the urge to respond in anger and calmly state your thoughts while maintaining your boundaries. You may have to allow yourself time to express your frustration later in a safe setting, but resisting the urge to bite the bait keeps you from entering into their emotional turmoil. You can choose to enjoy the holiday gathering even if they choose to be miserable.
Give yourself extra grace if you are grieving the loss of a loved one. If you are walking through the grief process after loosing someone you love, recognize that the first few holidays without them may bring up a wide variety of emotions. That is normal. It is okay if you don’t have the emotional energy to decorate your house and get the same level of gifts that you usually do. Some people will understand while others won’t. Do what you feel comfortable doing. In time, you will be able to carry on some of the old traditions or you may decide to adjust and develop some new ones. The main thing is that you honor the memory of your loved one, and simply do what you are able to do.
Nurture relationships with healthy family members and friends. Identify the healthy people in your life and proactively spend time developing those relationships. Learn to overcome the dysfunctional family dynamics in an appropriate manner with those who have walked through similar situations and are on the road to recovery. Discussing personal reactions to issues in an appropriate manner helps build relationships and lets you know that you are not alone.
Recognize the progress that you have made. Give yourself credit for what the Lord has done in your life and grace for the things He has yet to do. Nobody is perfect. It is really okay to celebrate the small victories while you’re looking forward to the larger ones.
Allow yourself time to recuperate after the event. Dealing with difficult people can be exhausting. Prior to the event, discuss your need to relax afterwards with safe others. You may even want to schedule extra personal quiet time afterwards or make plans to have fun in appropriate leisure activities with those who are able. It is amazing how beneficial these types of plans can be, and how much easier it will be for you to adjust back into your regular routine once you have take the time to decompress.
Taking the time to pray and read through this list prior to your holiday event can help you navigate through some difficult situations with more peace. Remember to have realistic expectations and trust the Lord to lead you. Don’t condemn yourself if you don’t walk through an awkward situation like you think you should. Give yourself grace to learn and grow more every day.
© 2011 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
When You've Been Gutted
/Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. and a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Michigan. This teaching was first presented by Dan at a Celebrate Recovery meeting at Woodside of Troy. You can read more testimonies and articles in the newsletter archives section of our website at https://recmin.org/newsletter-archives.
We all have them. Times when we’ve been emotionally gutted. And they hurt. They hurt a lot. It may be through the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, a betrayal. The pain goes much deeper than the event. There’s the loss of hopes, dreams, and goals for the future. Someone… or something... very precious to us… is gone. Our very foundation has crumbled. Or at least… what we thought was our foundation.
In the middle of our pain, the sin and hiding places of the past start glistening a little bit more. Sometimes a lot more. Don’t run back to the false comforts of your past life. In the middle of the pain it’s easy to feel like the disciples who got offended at Jesus because He was sleeping in the boat in the middle of the storm. Doesn’t He care? Why doesn’t He do something? He’s the one who told me to get into this boat in the first place. Wasn’t I doing His will? Am I in this thing all by myself? In the middle of the pain it can be pretty difficult to hear the truth. No. You’re not alone. Jesus is still right there with you. Jesus is still very much involved in what you’re going through. He isn’t sleeping in the boat in the middle of the storm because He doesn’t care. Jesus is sleeping because He has 100% confidence in the Father to get you through the storm and lead you to the shore. It may not feel like it. Things aren’t happening the way you figured they were going to happen. But you aren’t going to drown. If you hold onto Jesus in the middle of the storm… the one you don’t really understand right now… the one you may actually be ticked off at right now… He is there. He is good. He will lead you through the storm.
Maybe a small part of my own journey can help you. There was a time when I went through a huge ministerial disappointment. Initially, it looked like years of hopes and dreams were being fulfilled. The Lord opened the door for a big endeavor that would take a lot of time, effort and sacrifice. It required a season of changing focus and putting a lot of energy into a joint project at the expense of some responsibilities with family and my regular ministry. My wife and I were prayerfully on the same page. In our minds it would be worth these sacrifices because we thought that through this calling, so many more ministerial doors would be opened in the future. After all, it really was Jesus who told us to “get into the boat”. To be real, we knew there would be a lot of challenges with this project, but we figured Jesus would calm the storms and get us through to the other side of the lake without the boat taking on a lot of water.
Well. The waves came. Big ones. The boat took on a lot of water. As the project rolled on, we began to come up against some heavy opposition. The enemy truly got out some heavy artillery for this one. Bombs were going off. Some of them right in the middle of my heart. I had some challenges with the project leader. While I initially thought we were on the same page, it quickly became clear that we were not. The opposition was coming from a source that I least expected. And it continued to grow worse.
Unlike the disciples, I have to admit that Jesus was very much awake in the middle of the boat. Also unlike the disciples, Jesus did not calm the storm. He “allowed” the storm to continue. Although there were times when I didn’t think I could continue with what He was asking me to do, He didn’t allow me to drown. He kept me afloat. He spoke words of truth. He empowered me to endure the storm.
Enduring the storm didn’t mean that I came out unscathed. There were wounds. Deep ones. Although we did accomplish many of the ministerial goals of the project, there were other goals that did not get accomplished because of the brokenness of the team. Mine included. What could have been a fantastic experience, turned out to be just okay. And the ministerial hopes, dreams, and goals for the future that I thought would be secured through this project? They seemed to be heaped up in a charred pile of rubble right smack dab in the center of my heart.
I was disillusioned. I had a lot of charred debris to work through with Jesus. And I let Him know that. One day the Lord spoke to me and said, “Dan, you have to grieve the tearing of your hopes and dreams.” He got my attention. Although I had been grieving… sort of… I hadn’t recognized it as such. I didn’t realize my legitimate need to do some holy grieving. Holy grieving is much more efficient than resentful complaining. I responded, “Lord, I feel like there’s been an amputation. I’m feeling a lot of phantom pain here.” He intimately spoke back, “Dan, are you willing to grieve the tearing with no guarantee that I will fill up that void in your heart? Are you willing to surrender to me with absolutely no guarantee that I will grow back the limb? Are you willing to surrender to me with absolutely no guarantee that I will even heal the phantom pain? But with a full guarantee that I will be fully with you during this process?” God was asking me to be honest. It felt like I had one leg. I considered my options. I could try to make a fake prosthesis. I could try to make some sort of wooden crutch to hobble around on. What would that get me in the end? God’s presence is far more important than some fake limb. Or even a real one. I surrendered. I told Him that since I only had one leg, I’d need Him to pick me up and set me where He wants me to be. I need the grace to stay wherever that is until He comes and picks me up and sets me someplace else.
I could breathe again. But grieving – and healing – is a process. I don’t know how many times I cried in my heart, “Lord, this surely didn’t turn out the way I figured it would”. During one of the seasons when I was being particularly whiny, the Lord spoke to me and said, “I’m sure things didn’t turn out like Moses planned when he tried to help his fellow Israelites by killing the Egyptian and then spent the next 40 years tending his father-in-law’s sheep in the middle of a desert. And I’m sure things didn’t turn out the way David figured they would when he was anointed king by Samuel and then spent years in the wilderness running from Saul.” God had my attention.
Then the Lord began to unpack the life of Joseph. Surely things didn’t turn out like Joseph planned after he got done telling his brothers that they would all end up bowing down to him someday. We can see their response when he came back another day and let them know that mom and dad were going to be bowing down to him too. They threw him down a dry well. Forget mom and dad bowing down to their own son, where were they to protect Joseph when he was thrown into that well?
You can read about the brothers throwing Joseph into a well in Genesis 37, verse 24. Verse 25 says a lot. The brothers cared so little about the harm they were causing Joseph, that they sat down and ate lunch in the very next verse. What little hope Joseph may have had as his brothers were lifting him out of that well was surely smashed as they promptly sold him to slave traders. Surely, this was not part of Joseph’s hopes, dreams, and goals for the future. The brothers didn’t seem to care.
I’ve often wondered about the inner dialogue and struggles that Joseph was having during his early years in Egypt. The Bible really doesn’t say, but since Chapter 39 tells how the Lord was with Joseph and caused everything he did to prosper, we can assume that Joseph didn’t let his heart grow bitter towards the Lord. He faithfully served Potiphar, the captain of the guard, until Potiphar’s wife lied about Joseph trying to assault her and he was thrown into prison. Evidently, he didn’t get bitter in prison either as the warden ended up putting Joseph in charge and made him “responsible for all that was done there” (Genesis 39:22 NIV).
Even though things didn’t play out the way Joseph figured they would, he was able to keep his heart open to the Lord and the Lord continued to show him favor. He ended up being second in command to Pharaoh and saving the lives of many people during the famine as the head of Egypt’s food distribution program. He was 17 years old the day his brothers threw him into a well, and about 40 when he was reunited with his father in Egypt. Things surely didn’t turn out the way he thought they would when he was the snarky 17 year old who thought it was a good idea to tell his brothers that they would be bowing down to him someday. However, Joseph persevered by keeping his heart open to the Lord and trusting in His grace when he was wronged, abused, and overwhelmed. Most likely, he would have never imagined that the Lord would ever use him in the way that He did. All of us will have our own set of dry wells, Potiphar’s houses, and prisons to walk through. It is inevitable. But if we can keep our hearts open to the Lord when our own hopes, dreams and goals for the future are crushed; our lives will have so much more eternal benefit than we could ever imagine. God is good. And He loves us dearly.
Photos used with permission from www.unsplash.com.
© 2019 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
Differing Views on Christian Doctrine, Identity and Homosexuality
/This article was written by Jason Thompson, Executive Director of Portland Fellowship. Jason also created the diagram that appears with this article. It was first published in the Portland Fellowship newsletter, and was reprinted in this newsletter with permission. The original article is available at https://www.portlandfellowship.com/clarity.php.
When I first began serving at Portland Fellowship, for a believer, the message regarding homosexuality and identity was a bit simpler. For the most part, the Christian message was that we were created male and female, that our identity is found in Christ alone, and that sexual expression outside of marriage (between a man and his wife) is a sin, because it violates God's perfect plan and ultimately leads to pain and destruction.
As the years passed by, and culture, unsurprisingly, continued down a path of confusion and distortion, I have watched many in the church also fall into that confusion. To bring clarity to this confusing issue, this one-page handout was created to bring clarity, which I summarize below.
On the left side of this handout is the ideology categorized as "Revel: Gay Partnership". These professing "Christians" are gay-affirming and support and bless homosexual unions. The general belief here is that one is born gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered or one of the other fifty-four gender options available through Facebook. Their biblical view has been developed by a revision of Scripture in order to support a pro-gay theological understanding.
To the right of this is another camp labeled "Resist: Gay Identity". This group includes professing Christians who primarily believe that a person is born gay, yet believe that same-sex partnerships and sexual expression are prohibited in the eyes of God. Their identity is found in what they feel and desire, and since their desire is for the same gender, they choose to identify as LGBTQ+. A growing movement that includes www.revoice.us has led and continues to lead people in this wrong direction.
In contrast to those two categories, there are two other groups that embrace traditional biblical truth regarding sexual expression and identity. Yet, even in these last two categories, there are some subtle differences in how each group proposes responding to the same-sex attracted person.
We've labeled the first group of proponents for biblical truth and sexuality as simply "Renounce: or Conversion". This group does a great job at communicating that our identity is not found in our sexuality or desires, but in Jesus Christ our Lord. This group highlights our sin nature as the primary issue of sexual struggles and calls everyone to walk in confession, repentance and trust in God as they seek to die to their fleshly desires. They primarily emphasize the importance of Christ's Body (the Church), while they don't necessarily emphasize additional support structures or healing resources (such as counseling or recovery programs). Some in this group actually speak against such resources.
The last category agrees with most of what the "Renounce" position communicates. This final "Rebuild: or Transformation" category also believes that our identity is found in Christ, and that we must repent of our sinful sexual behavior. However, the subtle difference between "Renounce" and "Transformation" is that proponents of "Transformation" recognize the need for an intentional discipleship process that leads us to deeper healing, relational wholeness and even newfound desires that are being restored to what God intended. This process includes support from others in the body of Christ, which can involve counseling, recovery groups, discipleship programs and personal mentoring. It includes a deeper awareness that in addition to being a spiritual and sexual issue, homosexuality is also a relational issue, and therefore has both past relational wounds, but also, more importantly, future relational healing.
As I mentioned, homosexual identity and homosexual expression have become confused through various teachings and different opinions. I believe it is wise to follow what is written in 1 Thessalonians 5:21: "But test everything; hold fast what is good." Let us not settle for anything less than the redeeming work of Jesus Christ and the transforming work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. My hope is that each of us will be able to surrender our sexuality, our identity and our behavior before the Lord, and find our hope in Christ as He continues His transforming work in us! Please share this resource with others and we would love to hear about it.
© 2019 Portland Fellowship, PO Box 14841, Portland, OR 97214
Lives are Changed through the Living Waters Program
/Living Waters is a Christ-centered discipleship/ministry program for men and women seeking healing in areas of sexual and relational brokenness; including pornography addiction, codependency, sexual addiction, homosexuality, sexual ambivalence, childhood sexual abuse, transgender issues, and difficulty in establishing and sustaining healthy relationships. Our next program is starting soon.
Here are some powerful testimonies from participants who had their lives changed through the power of Jesus Christ in the Living Waters program. They are used with the permission of the participants.
I’ve learned that it is ok to bring God into my pain; that I need to fully integrate my emotional health with my spiritual life. I’ve also learned that my identity is not that of an “abused”, or a “victim” or a “codependent” or a “homosexual”, but that my identity is that of a child of God and it does not rest in my feelings about myself, other people, or relationships – but solely in who God says I am.
A female participant.
I found Living Waters in a crisis of my marriage falling apart for many reasons, but one was because of my same-sex attraction. I didn’t know which end was up at the time. However, I knew that I need to start the path to dealing with my same-sex attraction in whatever way God wanted it dealt with. Living Waters was the start of the path God and I went down.
I have dealt with same-sex attraction since I was very young. It became sexualized in middle school. There were often dark times in my life because of the same-sex attraction. I tried things a couple of times in my teens but later on knew that acting on my same-sex attraction with guys just couldn’t happen. That didn’t stop me from looking at porn and masturbating, but I thought that since I wasn’t doing anything with anybody else that I’m somehow or somewhat okay. My addiction would come and go with intensity, but it was always there. I always vowed to never be involved physically with a guy.
Fast forward to being married. My wife knew from the start that I struggled with same-sex attraction. Later on we experienced a situation that focused attention on my same-sex attraction that lead to further breakdown of our marriage and my wife choosing to be done. Prior to our split, I went through about four months of identity crisis, questioning God if He was okay if I began pursuing a same-sex relationship. My wife was challenging me to embrace how I was “really made”. Ultimately, I knew deep down that God didn’t want me living that way. I knew that I needed help to actively pursue a different course, one that acknowledges that God hasn’t made people to have same-sex relationships. I’m pursuing God with everything in me and learning, thanks to Living Waters, how to approach life in a healthy way.
A male participant.
I came to Living Waters looking for healing from past molestation, abuse, and neglect; but I found so much more. Not only were those wounds recognized and visited, but Living Waters dug much deeper, beyond those wounds, to the places those wounds damaged the most. Up until this amazing ministry I thought I simply had to get past my past, past those obvious hurts, ask God to heal me, and move on. The truth is, there was much more than healing that needed to be done. Not only were there deeper wounds that had been festering for years beneath the obvious ones, but those wounds had changed me into someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. A person who covered her wounds with sexual acts, who pushed others away before they got too close to see the broken pieces, whose filters were so flawed she thought even the kindest acts were there to laugh at her, and who criticized both men and women for being both too masculine and too feminine.
Before Living Waters, I didn’t even know who I was, I had hidden myself so well behind my layers of broken protection, that I couldn’t even find myself… but God found me. He found me buried in the rubble, He gently scrubbed my wounds, and bandaged them in both Grace and Mercy. I am still a work in process, I still have wounds and flaws, but I also have Hope. I may remain somewhat uncertain as to who I am – I have seen glimpses of her, and she is beautiful – but I know without a doubt whose I am. I know God will continue His work in me. Thank you, Living Waters, I thank God for you all.
A female participant.
While enduring a terrible marriage I was looking for a way to relieve the huge amount of stress in my life. One night on my way home from night school, the evil one suggested that I do something that I had quit doing many years before – cross dressing. I jumped at the chance and soon could no longer satisfy my cravings with occasional dressing up, so I got a divorce and began living as a woman. I eventually succumbed totally and had surgery in my efforts to look more and more like a woman. I still was not satisfied but could do nothing else to myself. Then God worked through a friend of mine and got me involved in a group that opened my eyes and began clearing my head. After a year of this I resolved to go back to being a man but knew I needed help. By God’s grace I found Living Waters and am now solidly grounded in Christ and living completely as a man.
A male participant.
If you or someone you love is struggling with sexual or relational difficulties, there is hope and healing through the power of Jesus Christ. Call us and ask about attending the next Living Waters program. (586) 739-5114
The pictures used in this article are not the actual participants. Photos acquired through www.unsplash.com.
© Reconciliation Ministries 2019. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as credit is given and no fee is charged.
The Risks of Transgender-Affirming Treatment
/Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. and a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Michigan. This article is an introduction to some of the negative effects of medical and psychological treatment that seeks to affirm a transgender person’s gender identity, rather than to explore the root issues creating the gender dysphoria. As this is an extremely complex topic that cannot be fully covered within the scope of this newsletter, this article will serve as a general overview. Resources are presented at the end of this article which will provide a much more thorough exploration of transgender issues.
Activists claim to represent the best interests of all those with discordant gender identities, insisting that their policies and treatment protocols are the only ethical ones, and that other approaches lead to depression and suicide. Popular media outlets are happy to report on people who seem to find contentment with sex reassignment procedures. We seldom hear the voices of people who discovered that hormones and surgery were not the answer but often the source of new problems.
Ryan T. Anderson – When Harry Became Sally: Responding to the Transgender Moment 1
At first I thought I was the only transgender who had regret or almost committed suicide. Now thirty years after my life-altering surgery I realize I’m just one in a population of silent, shame-filled individuals who suffer from a needless gender change. Yet, for all the pain, we are the lucky ones because at least we did not take our own lives.
Walt Heyer –Gender, Lies and Suicide: A Whistleblower Speaks Out 2
Those who believe they are a man or a woman trapped in the wrong body experience deep emotional distress. We in the Body of Christ are called to walk alongside them, hear their heart, and help them receive the love and grace of Jesus Christ. Just as Jesus took the time to hear the heart of the woman at the well and ministered grace and truth, we are called to speak the truth in love and help members of the LGBTQ community experience the conviction and healing power of the cross. We may not fully understand the challenges they are struggling with, but we can walk with them to the One who truly does understand their journey. Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted. He loves to set the captive free.
Members of the mental health and medical community are also called to walk alongside of men and women who are at odds with their biological sex. People with gender dysphoria deserve the best mental health care and medical treatment available, and they look to the medical community to provide it. Unfortunately, the current standard of care for gender dysphoria is not to help the person bring their mental perceptions in line with their physical reality. The current standard of care is to immediately affirm their transgender identity, and begin to alter their bodies to match their emotional beliefs. Instead of helping strugglers understand the emotional issues that have caused them to reject their birth sex and identify as the opposite gender, mental health professionals immediately work to affirm their perceived gender and bring their physical body in line with their emotional perceptions. Popular culture, and even the legal system, support and defend the medical community in their efforts to override a person’s physical reality. The system even attacks the mere suggestion that we should look at the emotional roots of a transgender identity. In some states in the US, it is illegal for therapists to work with anyone under the age of 18 to help them explore the possibility that their transgender feelings may have emotional roots. The main mental health organizations believe that it is unethical and harmful to help anyone, regardless of age, seek to overcome an LGBTQ identity. Their mandate is affirmation. Sadly, efforts to prioritize transgender emotional perceptions over physical realities often compound the pre-existing emotional problems and create medical complications. This article will survey some of the most common problems transgenders experience with medical interventions, and will provide resources for more information and help for those who seek it.
One of the most obvious problems with current mental health and medical interventions is that they fail to address the root issues creating the transgender identity. Denise Shick, founder and director of Help 4 Families; and Walt Heyer, a noted author on the subject of transgender regret, write that gender dysphoria can be the result of a variety of mental health disorders including anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, dissociative disorder, PTDS, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and personality disorders.3, 4 Those who have transitioned, frequently discover that their transition did not resolve their underlying emotional struggles. Many who received additional therapy for those issues after their transition find that they now begin to identify more with their birth sex than the opposite gender. If they express wishes to detransition – realign with their birth sex – they quickly find that the overwhelming support they received to transition has vanished. Unfortunately, most of the physical effects of their original transition are difficult or impossible to correct.
Walt Heyer writes from personal experience. He was born a male and surgically transitioned to female when he was 42 years old. Before his transition, Heyer sought care from a prominent doctor who was a co-author of the standards of care for transgender individuals. This doctor approved his transition. Even though he lived as a woman for eight years, Heyer realized that his transition failed to bring him the peace he had hoped for. His gender dysphoria grew worse. The underlying issues of his dysphoria were not addressed until he was serving as an intern in a psychological hospital. The doctor he was working under told him that he had signs of a dissociative disorder. Heyer sought psychological care from treatment providers who focused on his underlying disorders rather than transgender issues. He learned that he developed a dissociative disorder to escape from the pain of childhood sexual abuse. The doctor who approved his transgender surgery failed to link childhood trauma to his transgender struggle. Heyer is now in his 70s and helps many man and women cope with the pain of sex change regret.1
Most transgenders find emotional relief in the initial stages of their transition, and many report an increased sense of wellbeing immediately following their surgery. However, as the years go by, others come to the realization that no matter how much they have altered their bodies, they are still inherently male or female. There are differences between males and females on a molecular level, and no amount of hormones and cosmetic surgery can alter their chromosomes.1 Walt Heyer observes that sex change regret begins to set in five to ten years after gender reassignment surgery.4 The exact numbers for those who suffer from sex change regret are difficult to find. Most studies only cover the first five years and have a very small number of participants.
The trans affirming community asserts that sex change regret is rare. Heyer sites a German study from 2018 which reports that a majority of male to female transgenders reported higher quality of life following their surgery. What the media fails to report is that 25% of the study participants reported a lower quality of life following the surgery. Although sex change regret surfaces five to ten years after a person’s transition, this study included those who had surgery between 1995 and 2015. Many of the participants had not yet passed the five year anniversary of their transition. Heyer’s ministerial experience suggests that more of the participants of the study will experience regret as the years go by.
Another danger of gender reassignment surgery is an increased risk of suicide. Transgenders, especially teens, are at an increased risk of suicide to begin with. Research indicates that 41% of adult transgenders attempted suicide at some point in their lives. Transgender advocates claim that transitioning is the only way to save those struggling from gender dysphoria from attempting suicide. However, just as sex change regret increases many years after the surgery, the suicide rate is also significant ten years following the surgery. Heyer cites a Swedish study which found that the suicide rate of post-operative transgenders is 19 times that of non-transgender peers,4 and higher than those identifying as transgender who did not transition surgically. Clearly, gender reassignment surgery is not the answer to prevent suicide among those struggling with gender dysphoria.
In addition to the emotional complications experienced by those transitioning, there are a host of medical complications. The Mayo Clinic notes that adult men undergoing feminizing hormone therapy are at increased risk for blood clots in their lungs and deep veins, high triglycerides, gallstones, weight gain, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and more.5 The Mayo Clinic also reports that adult women undergoing masculinizing hormone therapy are at increased risk for overproduction of red blood cells, weight gain, abnormal amount of lipids in the blood; as well as high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, and cardio vascular disease when risk factors are present.6 The American Heart Association reviewed a Dutch study that found that transwomen – biological males who transitioned to female – experienced nearly twice as many strokes as non-trans males and females, twice as many heart attacks as women, and 5/4.5 times more likely to experience deep vein clots as women/men. Transmen – biological females who transitioned to male – experience three times the heart attack risks as women.7
Children are identifying as transgender at younger ages. Similar to the standard of care for adults, rather than working with a teen or prepubescent child to understand the roots of his or her gender dysphoria, the medical profession is fueled by trans activists to affirm his or her gender choices. As Ryan T. Anderson of the Heritage Foundation writes in his book, When Harry Became Sally: Responding to the Transgender Moment, eight year olds are now seen as the ultimate authority to determine their own gender and medical treatment. They are encouraged to socially transition to the opposite sex in spite of the fact that young children lack the mental and emotional capacity to fully understand the implications of their decision.1 Schools encourage young children to socially transition by dressing in the cultural clothing of their identified gender, choosing their preferred pronoun, and attending school as their chosen gender. Many schools in the United States have policies in place to affirm the chosen gender of the child even without the parents’ knowledge or approval. Parents who refuse to cooperate with their child’s transition risk disciplinary action from child protective services.
After a child transitions socially, he or she will be given puberty blocking hormones. Doctors tell parents that this is to give the child more time to consider the option of transitioning while delaying the onset of his or her primary sexual characteristics. The potential side effects of puberty blockers are downplayed, yet the health risks of delaying puberty are not fully known. When the final decision is made to transition, the teen will be prescribed cross-sex hormones and his or her body will begin taking on the characteristics of the opposite sex. At this point the child has an increased risk of permanent sterilization even if the cross-sex hormones are stopped at a later date, because the body has never started to develop the primary sex characteristics due to the puberty blockers. The Christian Medical and Dental Association reports that the puberty blocking hormones inhibit normal growth and fertility, while the cross-sex hormones administered during adolescents are associated with an increased risk of high blood pressure, blood clots, stroke, and some forms of cancer.8 Many of the effects of cross-sex hormones are irreversible, such as increased facial hair and an Adam’s apple and deeper voice for biological females, and breast development for biological males. Sterility is irreversible. This begs the question of how a prepubescent child or teen can have the personal insight to adequately determine if they are willing to risk hormone treatment at the cost of being unable to bear children later in life. If the transition progresses, the teen will eventually begin surgical procedures which will further advance his or her trans identity. Many of the physical changes performed through surgery are permanent, or at the very least, require additional surgery to reverse.
It is important to note that multiple research studies indicate that anywhere from 70 to 80 percent of prepubescent children who identify as transgender will grow up to embrace their birth gender without counseling or direct intervention.10 With therapy, up to 95 percent of these children learn to embrace their birth sex. Unfortunately, of the children given puberty blockers, 100% of them continue to transition and begin hormone therapy.4 This strongly suggests that affirming a child’s emotional perception of being transgendered locks him or her into a pattern of transition, rather than addressing the underlying emotional problems fueling the transgender feelings. It is no wonder that Dr. Michelle Cretella, President of the American College of Pediatricians, writes about the trend of transitioning children, “Today’s institutions that promote transition affirmation are pushing children to impersonate the opposite sex, sending many of them down the path of puberty blockers, sterilization, the removal of healthy body parts, and untold psychological damage. These harms constitute nothing less than institutionalized child abuse.”11
There has to better answers for transmales and transfemales than aligning their bodies with their gender confusion. In Matthew, Chapter 19 some people brought little children to Jesus and wanted Him to pray for them. Sadly, the disciples rebuked those who brought the children. They didn’t want to bother with the kids for some reason. Those same disciples urged Jesus to send the Canaanite woman away in Chapter 15. As we look at the negative effects of transgender affirming treatment, and the political/cultural waves continue to come, it is easy to get overwhelmed and skeptical that reaching out to the transgender community with the Gospel would have any value. Fortunately, Jesus’ response was much different than the disciples’. He immediately told the disciples to let the kids come to Him and Jesus ministered to the children. Interestingly enough, He tested the Canaanite woman and showed the disciples that she actually had great faith in Him. Jesus honored that faith by granting her request. May we who identify as Christians have Christ-like compassion on those who identify as trans. May we have the character to look beyond the issues on the surface that we may not understand, and offer the same grace that we so desperately need. May we be faithful to listen to their hearts, and speak the truth in love. May we be faithful to offer transgenders the hope of Christ.
Help is available…
Reconciliation Ministries www.recmin.org
Help 4 Families www.help4families.org
Walt Heyer Ministries www.sexchangeregret.com
Linda Seiler www.lindaseiler.com
References
1 Anderson, Ryan T. When Harry Became Sally: Responding to the Transgender Moment. Encounter Books, 2018.
2 Heyer, Walt. Gender, Lies and Suicide: A Whistleblower Speaks Out. Make Waves Publishing, Middletown, DE, 2013.
3 Shick, Denise. Understanding Gender Confusion: A Faith Based Perspective. Help 4 Families Press, Ashland, KY, 2014.
4 Heyer, Walt. Trans Life Survivors. Self-published, Lexington, KY, 2018.
5 Mayo Clinic. “Feminizing Hormone Therapy”. Posted October 7, 2017. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/mtf-hormone-therapy/about/pac-20385096 on 6/6/2019.
6 May Clinic. “Masculinizing Hormone Therapy”. Posted August 31, 2017. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/ftm-hormone-therapy/about/pac-20385099 on 6/6/2019.
7 American Heart Association. “Hormone Therapy May Increase Cardiovascular Risk During Gender Transition”. Science Daily. February 18, 2019. Retrieved June 13, 2019 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/02/190218093959.htm on 6/13/2019.
8 Christian Medical and Dental Association. “CMDA Position Statement on Transgender Identification”. Adopted April 21, 2016. Retrieved from https://cmda.org/article/transgender-identification/ on 6/6/2019.
9 Robbins, Jane. “Why Puberty Blockers are a Clear Danger to Children’s Health”. The Federalist. Retrieved from https://thefederalist.com/2018/12/14/puberty-blockers-clear-danger-childrens-health/ on 6/6/2019.
10 Cantor, James. “How Many Transgender Kids Grow Up to Stay Trans?” PsyPost. Posted December 30, 2017. Retrieved from https://www.psypost.org/2017/12/many-transgender-kids-grow-stay-trans-50499 on 2/24/2019.
11 Cretella, Dr. Michelle. “I’m a Pediatricina. How Transgender Ideology Has Infiltrated My Field and Produced Large-Scale Child Abuse.” The Daily Signal. Posted July 3, 2017. Retrieved from https://www.dailysignal.com//print?post_id=342833 on 6/10/2019.
First three images used under license from www.shutterstock.com. Forth image used with permission from www.unsplash.com.
© 2019 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
Do Not Despise Your Strength!
/God, in Tagaytay, Philippines May 1, 2019
The Lord spoke to me during a team meeting at the Filipino International Living Waters Leadership Training and said, “Do not despise your strength.” This might sound like a simple concept to most people, but for many of us who have endured childhood sexual abuse, it isn’t quite that easy.
It felt like I had to surrender my own strength during the abuse. I knew that if I resisted, I would be hurt. Badly. Instead of fighting the abuse, my heart “went somewhere else” while the rest of me just endured. That created the message that I was a weak coward who simply “let the abuse happen”. Since our body parts don’t know that the sensations were caused by unwanted abuse, they respond how those body parts were made to respond. This simultaneously creates the sense that we’re being betrayed by our own bodies, and plants the lie that we “like” the abuse. Since resisting the abuse would bring more pain, I began to believe that my own strength was dangerous... something to be avoided… something to despise.
When the Lord told me to stop despising my own strength, He began to unfold these dark dynamics of abuse. He also began to unfold the truth about strength. It wasn’t weakness to recognize that I would be hurt if I resisted the abuse. It was actually strength to endure the abuse and come out the other side. It takes strength to acknowledge the pain and confusion of abuse, and to bring that pain and confusion to the only one who can truly heal our souls. Jesus endured the torture and abuse of the cross. He suffered unspeakable torment for us. And He can heal us. He can give us the strength to face the truth and speak the truth. Jesus can set us free from the devastating effects of abuse.
As we learn to stand in His strength, there will be times when people who are used to taking advantage of our weakness rise up and try to come against our strength. It is then that we need to lean on Jesus, the true source of our strength, and live the truth of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. As we experience the reality of God’s strength made perfect in our weakness, we learn to stand in Christ. He will give us the strength to persevere through the opposition and gain victory through His power. Rather than being something to despise, our own strength – really, Christ’s strength in our weakness – is something to be embraced.
My name is Dan Hitz, and I’m the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries. As I share this part of my journey with you, I hope that it gives you encouragement to continue to heal from the pain of your past. If you or someone you love has suffered from abuse, call Reconciliation Ministries at 586.739.5114 to find out how we can help you find healing. We offered licensed professional counseling, prayer ministry, and support groups to help you overcome sexual struggles and the trauma of abuse.
© 2019 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
The Building Blocks of Gender Confusion
/The Building Blocks of Gender Confusion – Dan Hitz
Dan Hitz is the director of Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. and a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Michigan. This article is an introduction to the potential causes of gender confusion and accepting a transgender identity. As this is an extremely complex topic that cannot be fully covered within the scope of this newsletter, this article will serve as a general overview. Resources are presented at the end of this article which will provide a much more thorough exploration of gender confusion.
When God created human beings, he made them to be like himself. He created them male and female, and he blessed them and called them “human.” - Genesis 5:1b-2 NLT
As we begin our study into the potential causes of gender confusion and what may lead someone to accept a transgender identity, it is important to acknowledge that we have a Divine Creator who has a specific calling, purpose, and identity for each one of us. As Joe Dallas explains in his sermon, The Transgender Dilemma1, we need to acknowledge God’s created intent for each individual as either male or female. God knew us before we were in the womb (Jeremiah 1:5), and knit us together in the womb (Psalm 139:13) as either male or a female. Dallas says that our gender was likely one of the first things spoken about us when we made our appearance on this earth. All of us have scars on our bodies and in our hearts that bear witness to the reality that we are living in a fallen world. Everyone experiences trials and hardships that were not a part of God’s original intent for our lives. We also make decisions that are contrary to God’s created intent for us. Our feelings can lead us to do many things that can harm us, and lead us further away from God. The way back to true inner peace is to acknowledge God’s created intent for us, embrace the cross when our hearts want to do something contrary to God’s will, and live to the best of our ability according to God’s created intent – His will – for our lives. As Dallas says, “If I am one thing, but I feel like I am something else; the problem is not with what I am. The problem is with what I feel. Thereby, I am called to correct what I feel, not what I am.”1
In writing this article, it is my hope that by exploring and becoming more aware of the things that may contribute to gender confusion, we can be better equipped to respond to those who sincerely believe that they are trapped in the wrong body. We need to treat them with Christ-like compassion and grace. By identifying the causes of gender confusion, we identify the areas in our hearts where we need God’s help. We can seek His healing in those wounded areas of our hearts.
Many of the definitions used in the context of transgender issues have changed over time. I’ll list a few definitions to help this article be easier to understand. The term sex refers to a person’s physical body in terms of being male or female. Other terms for this are assigned sex and biological sex. Gender refers to the person’s emotional percept of being male or female. Thus, in today’s culture, a person’s sex may not be the same as a person’s gender. In other words, a person born with male anatomy who feels like he is trapped in the wrong body would identify his sex as male, and his gender as female. He would call himself a transwoman. A biological female who identifies as male would be called a transmale. The term transgender typically refers to a person who identifies as having a gender that differs from his or her sex. The terms gender confusion and gender dysphoria refer to the emotional distress someone has when his or her gender (the emotional perception of one’s maleness or femaleness) does not match his or her biological sex (anatomy). The terms gender confusion and gender dysphoria are used interchangeably in this article.
Aside from living in a fallen world, no one is certain what causes gender confusion. The American Psychological Association states in a recent article, “There is no single explanation for why some people are transgender. The diversity of transgender expression and experiences argues against any simple or unitary explanation. Many experts believe that biological factors such as genetic influences and prenatal hormone levels, early experiences, and experiences later in adolescence or adulthood may all contribute to the development of transgender identities.”2 The APA seems to have adopted the same “nature plus nurture”3 theory for transgender issues that they have for homosexuality. Even if scientist were to identify specific biological and genetic links to gender dysphoria, this does not mean that a person should automatically start taking steps to embrace a transman or transwoman identity. There are genetic links for such things as alcoholism and anger, yet most people would never think of encouraging someone to embrace alcoholism or anger as an identity.4 May we be those who are willing to walk alongside someone struggling with any life-defining challenge and help them embrace God’s will for their lives.
No one formula can adequately address the emotional factors that contribute to gender confusion. Everyone who struggles with gender confusion does not have the same life experiences. Needless to say, issues contributing to gender dysphoria are significant enough to cause the struggler to reject his or her birth gender. Many of the building blocks of transgender issues are similar to those of homosexuality, yet they go much deeper into the core of a struggler’s identity to fuel the desire to become another gender. Most of the time, these issues are running deep below the surface in the struggler’s heart. They may not be consciously aware of their own motivations until they begin the recovery process.
Many root issues of gender confusion are presented in testimony form in the DVD, Tranzformed: Finding Peace with your God-Given Gender, by Pure Passion Media.5 In this DVD, 16 men and women share their experiences from childhood and their journey into accepting a transgender identity. They also share their repentance, which lead to the acceptance of their true identity in Christ. Another good resource to identify causes of gender dysphoria is When Hope Seems Lost by Denise Shick6 founder of Help 4 Families. Both resources have contributed to this article
Many of those who struggle with transgender issues perceive their birth gender as less powerful and more vulnerable than the opposite gender. He or she may have been bullied and dominated by the other gender. He or she may have seen his or her parent of the same sex abused emotionally and/or physically by the other gender. A female who grows up in a family where the father is abusive and dangerous towards her and the mother, may reject her own femininity and seek to identify with the males who seem to be more powerful and less vulnerable. A boy who grows up with a domineering mother and has a female partner who is abusive, may give in to the desire to become what he perceives to be the more powerful gender. In these situations, victimization is a powerful incentive to embrace the opposite, “safer” gender.
Some struggling with gender dysphoria perceive that the other gender is celebrated much more than their own birth gender. They may have been told by their parents that they wished he or she were the opposite gender. A biological man being told by his mother and aunts that they knew he was supposed to be a girl when he was in the womb, may be brought up in a family that continues to communicate the message that he was supposed to be a girl. The message is made more powerful as broken family members continue to encourage him to embrace his female identity and may even dress him up in female clothes. He learns to embrace a female identity as a means of gaining affirmation and approval. A biological female growing up in a home where females are looked down upon while the males in the family are celebrated, may reject her femininity and embrace a male identity in an effort to gain approval.
Many struggling with transgender issues say that they have “felt different” than the others of their gender since they were a little kid. There can be many reasons for this, such as not being accepted by neighborhood kids because he or she isn’t good at, or interested in, activities usually enjoyed by other kids of his or her gender. A boy who doesn’t like sports but is skilled at dance and the arts, may be rejected by the other boys in the neighborhood. A girl who likes rough and tumble play may not get along well with the other girls in the neighborhood, but feels like she belongs with the boys. Rather than recognizing the diversity of interests that boys and girls have, this can lead to the idea that he or she is actually the opposite gender.
Some who struggle with gender dysphoria didn’t receive the nurturing that they needed from the same sex parent and have developed a deeper connection to the opposite sex parent. Simply by associating more with the opposite gender, he or she may develop similar interests and viewpoints to the opposite sex parents. If the opposite sex parent also feels disconnected from the child’s same sex parent, he or she may become enmeshed with the child in an attempt to fill up an emotional void in the parent’s own heart. This can lead the child to reject his or her birth gender and embrace the opposite gender.
A significant number of people struggling with gender dysphoria have experienced sexual abuse. Abuse breaks down sexual boundaries and confuses perceptions of sexual norms. Dr. Dan Allender, author of The Wounded Heart and Healing the Wounded Heart, notes that sexual abuse causes the victim to feel like his own body has betrayed him.7 Although the abuse may be unwanted and terrifying, the nerve endings in our private parts respond with pleasure. This often causes the victim to experience deep shame. Sometimes this causes the victim to reject her own gender in an attempt to make sense of the abuse, or protect herself from further abuse.
Denise Shick explains that sometimes emotional pain can be so extreme that a trauma victim seeks out a different identity in an attempt to leave his true identity behind.5 He may see his birth gender as a reminder of the trauma. If the trauma victim perceives that it was his gender that made him more vulnerable to the abuse, he may identify as a female in order to avoid future abuse.
Some people with gender dysphoria also suffer from mental health disorders that may be contributing to the desire to identify as another gender.6, 8 These may include depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and personality disorders. Very often, trans-affirming therapist are too quick to focus on helping the individual transition, rather than addressing the mental health issues that may be contributing to the gender dysphoria.
Teens face many challenges to their developing sexuality. Sometimes a young person may be confused if he experiences same-sex attraction and wonder if he is actually supposed to be the opposite gender. Sexual experiences and experimentation with dressing up in the opposite gender’s clothing may become enticing and may lead the person to further explore the thought of becoming the other gender altogether. When masturbation is added to the experimentation, the body releases hormones that actually encourage the behavior the person engaged in while masturbating. All of these factors can propel the teen further down the road of gender confusion.
With the acceptance of homosexuality being old news and the explosive advancement of accepting a transgender identity, many more teens are coming out as transgender than would be expected from traditional statistics. This is particularly the case for females. Researchers have identified a social contagion effect in teens and young adults whereby one person in a social group coming out as transgender prompts many more in that social group to come out as transgender.9 A substantial number of these teens have not previously expressed transgender thoughts as is the case in traditional transgender conditions. This is called rapid-onset gender dysphoria. Parents report that before their teens and young adults came out, there was a significant increase in Internet and social media use. Many of those newly identifying as transgender began following social media influencers who were documenting their own transition process. After they come out, their relationships with parents and non-LGBTQ people deteriorate, often to the point of open animosity.
Whatever the cause of gender dysphoria, multiple research studies indicate that anywhere from 70 to 80 percent of prepubescent children who identify as transgender will grow up to embrace their birth gender without counseling or direct intervention.10 This further illustrates the dangers of prescribing puberty blocking hormones to adolescents and pre-adolescents, and highlights the need to focus on the root issues of gender confusion rather than the symptoms.
Knowing some of the potential root issues contributing to gender confusion can help us know where to focus our prayer and recovery efforts. Remember, everyone is different and not everyone will fit into any specific pattern. The overcomer will have to be willing to take an honest look deep inside his or her heart, and be willing to surrender some longstanding defense mechanisms. He or she will need to acknowledge the fears and apprehensions associated with embracing his or her birth gender. It is important to embrace the small steps of change on the way to healing and celebrate the small victories throughout the journey. It is important to find a good Christian caregiver who is experienced in helping men and women explore the roots of their gender confusion, receive healing, and learn to embrace their God-given sex and gender. An experienced Christian caregiver can hear his or her heart and offer compassionate care without judgement.
Help is available…
Reconciliation Ministries www.recmin.org
Help 4 Families www.help4families.org
Walt Heyer Ministries www.sexchangeregret.com
Linda Seiler www.lindaseiler.com
References
1 Dallas, Joe. (2019, March 17). The Transgender Dilemma. Sermon preached at Calvary Chapel Rialto, California. Retrieved from https://vimeo.com/324879265?fbclid=IwAR2QiN776HjGZkroqPgLvAnET4wTiC72KdISAYZqUcwvTKP10HlIbkbUJ3U on 4/5/2019.
2 American Psychological Association. Answers to Your Questions: About Transgender People, Gender Identity and Gender Expression. Washington, DC. December, 2014. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender on 4/5/2019.
3 American Psychological Association. Answers to Your Questions: For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality. Washington, DC. 2008, p2. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/orientation.pdf on 1/11/2019.
4 Straight Answers: Exposing the Myths and Facts about Homosexuality, Love Won Out Series, Focus on the Family Publishing, Colorado Springs, CO. 2000, p. 10.
5 Foster, David Kyle Foster (Producer), & Sutton, Karl. (Director). (2017). Tranzformed: Finding Peace with your God-Given Gender. United States: Pure Passion Media & Mastering Life Ministries.
6 Shick, Denise. When Hope Seems Lost. Help 4 Families Press, Ashland, KY, 2011.
7 Allender, Dr. Dan. Effective Trauma Care. Allender Center training. Wheaton College, Wheaton, Illinois. March 14-16, 2019.
8 Heyer, Walter, Trans Life Survivors. Bowker Identifier Services, 2018.
9 Veissiere, Samuel, Ph.D. “Why Is Transgender Identity on the Rise Among Teens?” Psychology Today. Posted November 28, 2018. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culture-mind-and-brain/201811/why-is-transgender-identity-the-rise-among-teens on 4/5/2019.
10 Cantor, James. “How Many Transgender Kids Grow Up to Stay Trans?” PsyPost. Posted December 30, 2017. Retrieved from https://www.psypost.org/2017/12/many-transgender-kids-grow-stay-trans-50499 on 2/24/2019.
First three images used under license from www.shutterstock.com.
Forth image used with permission from www.unsplash.com.
© 2019 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
Transgender: What is it and how did we get here?
/This article is a brief explanation of transgender issues and how the American culture came to a place of acceptance and promotion of transgender ideology. Future newsletters will explore the roots of gender confusion, and the healing process. This article is a very simplified summary of a very complex issue. Two excellent resources for a deeper understanding of transgender issues are God and the Transgender Debate by Andrew T. Walker, and Understanding Gender Confusion edited by Denise Shick. Both books are a major resource for this article.
As we begin this newsletter article on transgender issues, it is important to remember Christ-like compassion. It’s easy to condemn things we don’t understand… things we don’t feel comfortable with. As a conservative, it’s even easier to condemn something when there is a whole group of people who get all up in our faces about things that we don’t agree with. Such is the case with LGBTQ issues, and such is the case with transgender issues in particular. However, just as we don’t want the LGBTQ community to focus on the small percentage of self-identified Christians who are truly hateful bigots and think that they represent all Christians, we shouldn’t look at the small percentage of the LGBTQ community and think that everyone in that community are mean spirited activists. In both communities, some are. Most aren’t. Most people just want to live a peaceful life and do their own thing. As we look at this issue, it is important to remember Paul’s encouragement in Ephesians 4:15 to speak the truth in love.
Both Denise Shick, editor of Understanding Gender Confusion, and Andrew T. Walker, author of God and the Transgender Debate, do an excellent job helping us understand the emotional and spiritual pain experienced by someone who truly believes they are a man or woman trapped in the wrong body. It is indeed a traumatic and painful experience. Both authors also do an excellent job helping the reader understand the turmoil that the family of a transgender individual experiences. I’ve seen this pain often as I’ve led the Healing Hearts group for parents of LGBTQ identified individuals. The goal of Healing Hearts is to love our LGBTQ identified sons and daughters without compromising our Christian convictions. I’ve seen godly parents who dearly love their kids, grieving deeply that the son or daughter they’ve known since birth is now embracing the identity of the opposite gender. He or she may even be in the process of transitioning physically to the opposite gender, and insisting that the parents start calling him or her by a new name. Parents are teary eyed as they explain that it isn’t only the appearance of their son or daughter that is transitioning. His or her personality is also changing. The pain is very real for the family. The pain is very real for the struggler.
How did we as a culture move from a place where divorce was rare and homosexuality – let alone transgender issues – were seldom talked about? Walker explains the cultural transition in Chapter Two of his book starting with relativism. Relativism means that there is no absolute truth. What is true for you in your experiences may not be true for me in mine. Christianity declares absolute truth; however, we are living in a post-Christian society that rejects absolute truth. Without absolute truth, we lose our moral foundation and our very ability to determine what is right and what is wrong. The sexual revolution of the 1960s brought further eroding as it celebrated an “if it feels good, do it” culture. Along came the introduction of the birth control pill to further separate the idea of sexual intimacy in the context of marriage and the potential of giving birth. Homosexuality, identifying as the opposite sex, declining marriage rates, rising divorce rates, and cohabitating are all symptoms of our individualistic, Post-Christian society rejecting absolute truth. Unfortunately, we find the same attitudes and actions in the hearts of many in the church today.
Walker explains that Gnosticism, an ancient belief that the physical realm is bad and that seeking spiritual fulfillment is key to personal flourishing, is of primary importance to transgender ideology. Gnosticism, even if it isn’t specifically named, is strong in our culture today. Walker writes, “Gnosticism emphasizes that a person’s self-awareness is different than and more important than their physical body.” (p. 25) Since there is a powerful tension between our physical bodies and our spiritual selves, Gnosticism supports the idea that we can transform our bodies to, and identify with, whatever gender identity we feel we are; regardless of what our bodies and chromosomes reveal. Joe Dallas, in his 2008 article “The Transsexual Dilemma”, explains the Gnostic belief that our human imperfections are the result of an imperfect creator. Therefore it is completely up to the individual to use his own intuition to form his “true identity” and determine the proper use of his body. Dallas quoted a transgender man who came to him seeking help who fervently declared, “I know I’m a man because I feel like one!” The biology of the imperfect physical world becomes irrelevant as someone embracing Gnosticism formulates her own identity based on her own human intuition. As Walker writes, “…there are two unforgivable sins in a postmodern, post-Christianized, individualistic world. The first is to judge someone else. The second is to fail to fulfill your desires.” (p. 26) In other words, not only are you very wrong to judge me and tell me that I’m wrong; I’m very wrong if I don’t obey my intuition and embrace whomever I feel like I am, even if my own body and my own chromosomes say otherwise. Gnosticism, combined with today’s entitlement culture, is an extremely powerful force.
This may help explain how someone struggling with his or her transgender identity can come to the conclusion that he or she is in the wrong body; yet the question remains, how did transgender ideology become so engrained in the rest of our culture that does not personally embrace an LGBTQ identity? The transgender community is following many of the steps taken by the homosexual community to make transgender issues not only mainstream within the rest of society, but also celebrated and protected. LGBTQ characters are common in movies, television series, and even children’s programming. Laughable homosexual and transgendered characters were first introduced in movies and TV shows to bypass our emotional resistance. Once we were familiarized with comic characters, others were introduced to portray that LGBTQ people were the same as heterosexual people. Rarely are the negative aspects of the LGBTQ community talked about. Those embracing an LGBTQ identity are also at risk for increased substance abuse and domestic violence, and a higher than average number of co-occurring mental health disorders compared to the heterosexual community. A few of the honest characters hinted at the emotional conflict that LGBTQ people experience as they wrestled with their sexual identity; however, that identity is framed in the inaccurate context of being inborn and unchangeable. Other LGBTQ characters were introduced to teach that many in that community were suffering great emotional pain because of discrimination from conservative Christians and downright hateful bigots. Most people, especially Millennials, love to help the disempowered and marginalized. Very often LGBTQ issues are framed in the context of a culture discriminated against and in need of the support from the non-LGBTQ community. That approach has gained the LGBTQ community a lot of support.
The terms used to describe transgender issues have changed quickly in the last few years. The words widely accepted in an article written by Joe Dallas in 2008 are different from the currently accepted words used by Walker in 2017. The American Psychiatric Association changed the official diagnosis of what most of us would call transgender from Gender Identity Disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV [DSM-IV] published in 2000, to Gender Dysphoria in the DSM V published in 2013. This article presents just a few of the most important, current definitions offered by Walker. Sex, refers to the biological sex we are born with as evidenced by our chromosomes and our sexual organs. Gender and gender identity is how we internally perceive ourselves as male or female, masculine or feminine. Thus, a person’s gender identity may be different from his or her sex. Gender dysphoria means that a person experiences emotional distress due to perceived differences between his or her biological sex and his or her self-identified gender identity.
Gender dysphoria is experienced on a continuum ranging from “mild” to “severe”. As Walker points out, not everyone who experiences dysphoria will identify as transgender (p.33). Some who experienced gender dysphoria will continue to live with the identity of their biological sex. A person who is transgender will live with some identification and outward expression of his or her gender identity which is different than his or her sex. This expression may be anything from dressing in the culturally accepted dress of the perceived gender, taking hormones to bring the body closer to alignment with the perceived gender, or undergoing sexual reassignment surgery. Other expressions of a transgender identity include gender fluid, which means that the person fluctuates between male and female identities; and non-binary or agender in which the person does not identify as male or female at all. A gay or lesbian identity is a completely separate from gender identity. A person can be transgender and straight, transgender and gay, or any combination the perception of a broken heart can assume. The LGBTQ community refers to individuals whose gender identity matches his or her biological sex as cisgender.
If all of these definitions seem confusing to you, imagine the inner turmoil of a person who genuinely feels like they are trapped in the wrong body. We don’t pick our struggles and temptations. They just happen. True, sometimes we humans put ourselves in long-term situations that can lead us into long-term struggles. Sometimes, life throws us into situations that can create long-term struggles through no fault of our own. No matter what the cause of a person’s struggles, we Christians must react with the compassion of Christ and speak the truth in love to those who are struggling with their identity. Remember the words of Jesus to the Pharisees who just couldn’t wait to throw stones at the woman caught in adultery? “Let Him who is without sin cast the first stone.” And to the woman caught in adultery, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” (John 8) A harsh judgmental response to members of the LGBTQ community isn’t the answer. Neither is false love in the guise of full acceptance of someone’s broken identity. We must show love, and we must call to repentance. We in the church must be willing to show those who are struggling with any life dominating issue that Jesus Christ can heal their broken heart and help them live according to their true identity in Christ.
Most of us in the Christian community don’t really realize what we are asking member of the LGBTQ community to give up when we call them to repentance. Do we really realize that the LGBTQ community has likely been far more loving to them than the typical Christian? Do we realize that the person’s very livelihood may be enmeshed in LGBTQ culture and is likely very difficult to walk away from? True, the pain of change if far less than the pain of an eternity in hell, but the pain of change can be excruciating. Are we willing to be inconvenienced and imposed upon by men and women who are in deep pain and need our help? Men and women we may not fully understand? I hope so. These precious souls desperately need the redemption and transformation that Jesus has to offer. These precious souls desperately need our support. Jesus calls us, His broken vessels, to walk alongside of other broken vessels and help them transition from the LGBTQ community, into the Body of Christ.
As I was researching this topic, I ran across an article by Joe Dallas that got my attention. He talked about one of the first transgender people who came to him for help many years ago. The question she asked him pierced my heart. It is the same type of question that many in the LGBTQ community would ask each one of us. I hope her question pierces your heart too… “You’ve got some pretty clear answers, Joe. But tell me honestly: if I go home and break up with my girlfriend, then put on a skirt and try to live as a woman, leaving behind everything about my life as I know it, will the church be there for me? Will they welcome me, even though I’ll look like a man wearing a dress? Can I be honest with fellow Christians about the surgery I had? Will I really be a sister in Christ, or will I be the resident freak?”
References
Dallas, Joe. The Transsexual Dilemma. Christian Research Journal, volume 31, number 01, 2008. Retrieved from https://www.equip.org/article/the-transsexual-dilemma/ on 2/27/2019.
Shick, Denise. Understanding Gender Confusion: A Faith Based Perspective, Help 4 Families Press, Ashland, KY, 2014.
Walker, Andrew T. God and the Transgender Debate: What Does the Bible Actually Say About Gender Identity? The Good Book Company. 2017.
Images of person with rainbow flag and person in green shirt obtained from www.unsplash.com.
All other images used under license from www.shutterstock.com.
© 2019 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
If you or someone you care about needs help, call Reconciliation Ministries at 586.739.5114. We offer compassionate, biblical, licensed professional counseling and prayer ministry.
This article contains many insights gained from the book, Your Brain on Porn, by Gary Wilson, Commonwealth Publishing, copyright 2017. Although this book contains an abundance of helpful scientific recovery insights, it does not uphold biblical sexual standards. Many of the personal testimonies and observations contain graphic details. This author felt that the benefits of the appropriate advice in this book outweighed the potential negative aspects. Your Brain on Porn provides a very easy to understand summary of the addictive chemical effects of pornography on the brain, and presents the steps one goes through to “rewire” the brain to engage in healthy sexual behavior.
Through the years, porn has promised many things… excitement… a sexual outlet… an education… You can fill in your own blanks __here__ and __here__. With the arrival of high speed internet, porn made two new promises. They were huge. Finally, porn could promised anonymity and freedom. No longer did you have to slink into a public store and hope that no one would notice you were buying pornography. Now, with a basic smartphone, you can get all the porn you want. Any variety. In the privacy of your own bedroom or bathroom. And with incognito browsers, no one else will ever know what you are looking at. At least, we hope not.
Unfortunately, many of us didn’t read the fine print. Long before we realized the hollowness of porn’s promises, we were trapped in an addictive haze. What used to give us a major buzz in the beginning of our addiction just doesn’t do it for us anymore. We’ve had to upgrade to harder porn. Many of us moved on to images that we’d never dreamed we’d look at in a million years. Images that used to greatly disturb us. Now we can’t get off without them. Images that even leave us questioning our own sexuality. We found out the hard way that the freedom and excitement porn promised us gave way to addiction, depression, fear, and hopelessness. How many times have you promised yourself that you’d never look at “that” again? Only to find yourself viewing even darker images…
Along with increases in depression, social anxiety, and the loss of interest and energy for everyday tasks; doctors have noticed another alarming effect of pornography. Dozens of otherwise healthy males in their twenties have sought medical help for sexual dysfunction. After growing up and feeding on a steady diet of internet porn, these young men were horrified to discover that they were experiencing erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation with their human partners. Surprisingly, many women have begun to have their own share of performance problems. What’s happening to these healthy men and women that keeps them from having fulfilling experiences with their sexual partners? High speed pornography use is messing up the neurochemical receptors in their brains. They’ve been conditioned to hard core internet porn, and lost their ability to relate to humans and respond to true, biblical emotional and sexual intimacy.
To understand porn’s devastation, let’s look at how our brain’s reward system is wired. Of course, this is a highly simplified explanation of how the chemical pathways and reward system in our brains works, but you’ll get the general idea. Dopamine is a pleasure chemical that tells your brain that it really, really enjoys something and that you should definitely do it again. It drives us to eat all four corner slices of a Jet’s pizza, or to seek and indulge in other very pleasurable experiences. Then, when we engage in those behaviors, our brains give us a rewarding dose of opioids which give us a sense of satisfaction. Another chemical creates an emotional bond to whatever gave us the pleasure in the first place, while another chemical tries to convince us that we’ve done enough for now. The problem is, we don’t tend to listen to the chemical that tells us we’ve done enough for now and we keep going. Soon we’ve wired our brains in such a way that the chemical drive to do “it” again is much stronger than the reward we get for actually doing “it”, and even stronger than the chemical that tells us we’ve had enough of “it” for now. Over time, we get desensitized to the original “it” and need to find a much stronger “it” to get the same level of rewards that we used to get way back when. That’s a perfect setup for an out of control pornography addiction.
Think of the feeling you might get as you constantly check your latest Facebook post to see the likes piling up. Dopamine gives you that sense of excitement as you open the app to bask in the accolades of your friends. Opioids give you that feeling of awesomeness as you see twenty more likes than you had five minutes ago. The problem is that the dopamine drive is much stronger than the opioid sense of satisfaction; therefore, we keep responding to the dopamine drive and continue to check our post for even more likes. After a while the likes stop piling up as fast as they did before. Even if they don’t, the same number of likes just doesn’t give us the same level of opioid enjoyment that we got before. It takes more and more likes to give us that same excitement that we got in the beginning. We start thinking about how to make our next Facebook post bigger and better than ever to get even more likes and comments. The cycle continues. Dopamine levels drop with familiarity, so we start craving something new. Something just a bit edgier than before… Substitute porn use for Facebook posts and you get the idea.
Dopamine has a few other neurochemical friends that work along with it. Anxiety and stress increase the effects of dopamine. Jet’s pizza and Facebook posts are mild compared to much of the porn freely available on the Internet. Porn addicts often frequent sites that violate their own conscience and convictions which produces anxiety, shock, and a haunting desire to see more. These emotions in turn release additional chemicals like norepinephrine, epinephrine, and cortisol which give a major boost to the already powerful dopamine. This in turn, drives the porn user to more and more outrageous sites in a continual search for a bigger and bigger chemical release.
Other things continue to happen in the brain that chemically wire our desire for the intense things that we view during and porn and masturbation sessions. This causes us to be less interested in the normal sexual intimacy that we could have with our spouse, which seems so mild and boring compared to the “thrills” of the internet. Even if we weren’t drawn to a particular fetish in the past, our desire for more and more excitement can make us crave forbidden areas that once made us nauseous. During times of sexual excitement and orgasm, another chemical called DeltaFosB begins to burn chemical pathways into our brain that work with dopamine to direct our desires in the specific direction of what brings us the most excitement. Dopamine and DeltaFosB drive the desire to do “it” again. And the desire for “it” can become compulsive.
Our brains do have a weak checks and balance system. Another chemical called CREB dampens our pleasure response in an attempt to tell us we’ve done enough and need to take a break. Unfortunately, the amount of stimulation available in our culture makes it easy for us to override the CREB and keep seeking more and more pleasure. Since our dopamine levels begin to decrease the more we become familiar with something and increase when we see something new and more exciting, our desire for more intensity drives us into deeper and deeper porn use. Another problem is that CREB not only dampens our desire for porn. CREB also dampens our pleasure responses to other activities like socializing, hobbies, and the rewards we feel from successfully accomplishing everyday activities. That helps to explain why porn addicts seem to develop tunnel vision for porn and allow so many other aspects of their lives fall to the wayside.
There are deeper consequences for teenagers who have started to use porn than guys in the previous generations could fathom. Chemicals in the teenage brain are working hard to establish pathways for desire, worldview, and behavior. The effects of the neurotransmitters active in porn addiction have a much deeper and longer lasting effect as the teen’s brain is developing, than they do on an older adult who started viewing pornography in their 30s or 40s. An overwhelming number of teens are taking their sexual cues from cyberspace instead of from human relationships. That means their brains are being chemically wired to the images and ideas they are learning from pornography. This makes it all the more critical for teens to stop using pornography and learn healthy relationship patterns.
There is good news for those who are addicted to pornography and for those who are suffering from the negative effects of porn addiction. God created our brains in a way that allows them to recover from addiction and restore healthy desire. It has to do with the characteristic of the brain called neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to chemically rewire itself and change the poor wiring caused by addiction. Of course, this process takes a lot of time and concentrated effort, but it can renew our minds and restore healthy sexual functioning.
In the last few years, researches and addicts have discovered the process of “rebooting the brain”. Not as easy as the way we reset our computers or smartphones when they become slow by just restarting them, but it does give us hope. This process has helped countless men and women who were experiencing sexual dysfunction and the emotional effects of pornography addiction. With perseverance, men and women have overcome their addictions and begin to experience healthy relationships and healthy sexuality. Rebooting our brains is really a simple concept. It means that we abstain from all forms of sexual arousal for a period of time to give our brains time to enact its “use it or lose it system” and rewire the chemical pathways in our brains. As we replace negative behavior patterns with healthy ones, the old chemical pathways that drive our desire for a given behavior become quieter. They are eventually overwritten by the new behavior patterns that we engage in. Anyone who has ever tried to eliminate a bad habit and establish a good one will recognize the challenge. The old chemical pathways in our brains are pretty strong and don’t like to be ignored. They will scream for attention. Eventually, those screams become quieter and quieter and can be replaced by new cheers that encourage good behavior. In time, the old chemical pathways weaken and healthy new pathways can appear.
Depending on the depth of porn use and the length of the addiction, it can take several weeks to a few months to reboot the brain. In the beginning, you will likely experience some emotional and physical signs of withdrawal. Your body has been used to getting its sexual release and will let you know that it is not happy that it is not getting its own way. Think of the little kid in the checkout line who just found out that he isn’t getting that candy bar today. He throws a fit. A smart mother will teach the child that he still isn’t getting his way even though he is throwing a fit, and that it is healthier to eat good fruit instead of candy. An unwise mother will give in to the child and give him the candy bar just to shut him up. Unfortunately, this just teaches the kid that if he throws a fit long enough he will get his candy bar. The fits get louder with each trip to the grocery store. The wise kid learns the benefits of the good fruit and learns that his tantrums don’t serve a useful purpose. The trips to the grocery store get easier over time. You may experience restlessness and aches in some sensitive body parts. Don’t give in to your body’s temper tantrums. As you teach your body to appreciate good fruit, it will realize the tantrums don’t serve a useful purpose and they’ll get quieter over time.
You’ll likely experience some emotional withdrawal. You’re used to the unnatural highs of sexual addiction, and even the best real life relationships will seem boring at first. You may experience depression, anxiety, irritability, restlessness, lethargy, brain fog, sleep disturbance, and a strong desire to return to porn. You may also feel a sense to isolate. This is why it is so important to seek qualified help as you go through recovery. Reach out to an experienced Christian counselor and the pastoral care department of your church. Support groups such as Living Waters and Celebrate Recovery can offer much needed strength. In the past you may have dealt with difficult life experiences by escaping to porn. Experienced caregivers can help you learn to resist the urge to return to porn. They can help you learn to navigate through life’s difficulties successfully, without self-medicating. Over time, you should find that your energy levels increase and you will begin to experience more enjoyment in the daily pleasures of life. Many people in recovery are delighted to find that they are enjoying their long lost hobbies and that their social anxiety is gone. Instead of relating to people through the fog of deviant sexual images, they are learning the joys of engaging in healthy friendships and appropriate emotional interaction. Of course, this is a process and it all takes time, but the process is very rewarding.
One more common withdrawal symptom that you will likely experience is called “flat lining”. Remember your body has been used to an unnatural level of arousal from neurotransmitters. After a few weeks, your body’s screams for sexual excitement can give way to a complete loss of sexual desire emotionally and physically. You may even become concerned that your sexual organs feel completely dead and worried that they will never function again. This is a common experience that almost everyone passes through as they reboot their brain. Don’t panic. At the end of your rebooting process, your sexual desire will return. With the support of mature Christians, you can learn to direct your reawakened sexual desires in the right direction. You can learn to embrace your sexuality within biblical parameters and deepen your healthy relationships.
How long to stay in the reboot process varies with the degree of porn use, frequency of masturbation, and the age of each individual. Those who flooded their brains with a high degree of porn use and heavy masturbation at an early age will need more time in the process. Those who began their porn use after experiencing some form of healthy sexuality will need less time. Recommendations vary from 40 days to three months or more. An experienced caregiver or therapist can help you determine how much time is best for you. You should remain in the process for a while after the urges to view porn subside or come at an easily manageable level. If you are married, it is best to talk with your spouse and explain to him or her that you are considering the rebooting process and that you will need to abstain from sexual activities for a period of time. Most spouses are happy to assist their spouse in the reboot process in the anticipation of purifying and deepening the relationship in the long run.
After the process, the Lord calls those who are unmarried to abstain from sexual fantasy and physical sexual expression until marriage. You will experience sexual temptations, but the Lord will provide the grace for sexual purity. Those who are married are also called to sexual purity in their thoughts and actions; however, they do have a sexual outlet with their spouse to engage in appropriate sexual activities once the rebooting process has been completed.
The thought of quitting porn cold turkey may seem like an exercise in futility to you. After all, you’ve tried to quite many times before and find yourself right back at your computer screen. The question to ask yourself is what can make things different this time? As you prayerfully consider your answer, also prayerfully consider what mature Christians and which counselors and support groups can help you in this journey. You should also prayerfully count the cost of your addiction, and the benefits of living a life free from the bondage of pornography. As you take notice of all that your pornography addiction has taken from you, and all of the good gifts that the Lord wants to restore to you in exchange, I pray that you will be motivated to take the steps necessary to walk into freedom. It may not seem like it in the beginning of your journey, but living a pure life for Jesus will give you far more peace and strength than you ever thought you could get from porn. Now is the time to change your life.
If you would like more information about Reconciliation Ministries, or any of the ministries we offer,
visit us on the internet at www.recmin.org, or call (586) 739-5114.
This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged
and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
© 2019 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
The Building Blocks of Homosexuality
/The debate continues about the cause of homosexuality – nature, nurture, choice? Dan Hitz, Director of Reconciliation Ministries, presents this brief overview of the building blocks of homosexuality. Each person’s life story is different, yet Jesus Christ has an answer for every man, woman, and adolescent that finds him/herself struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions. Understanding some of the potential roots of homosexuality helps us understand the steps to recovery. This article was originally published in a 2010 newsletter, and has been slightly updated for this 2019 edition.
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Those of us who have struggled with unwanted homosexual attractions know that we didn’t lie awake in bed one night trying to decide if we should be gay. Our attractions just happened. Many of us felt different than the other kids of our gender for as long as we can remember. Some of us were called faggots long before we even knew what the word meant. It can feel like we’re born this way. Especially when our personality is developed at a young age by life experiences that were completely out of our control – the majority of which we cannot even remember. This article will present a brief overview of the basic building blocks of homosexuality. Understanding what some of the foundational issues may be, helps us to know what areas of our hearts are most in need of the grace of Jesus Christ and His healing presence.
Why has the secular community historically presented the idea of a genetic link to homosexuality? Sharon Begley summed up the answer in her 2008 Newsweek Magazine article entitled “Does DNA Make Some Men Gay?” when she quoted Dr. Rosenberg. “By linking homosexuality to the genes, says New York psychiatrist Kenneth Paul Rosenberg, Hamer’s Study shows that being gay is not ‘a deviant choice and [the result of] a lack of will. It is at least partly a biological orientation, as important to one’s constitution as eye color.’”1 In the Love Won Out series, Focus on the Family explains the error of accepting behavior based on a biological predisposition. “A genetic link to some behaviors does not prove the idea of normalcy or rightness. Look at alcoholism or propensities towards anger. While these have been promoted as having a genetic linkage, there are few, if any, in our society who would promote these behaviors as OK just because they are linked genetically.”2 The truth is that a conclusive genetic link to homosexuality has not been found. In the latest position statement on homosexuality, The American Psychological Association writes, “Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors.”3 Simply stated, no concrete biological cause for homosexuality has ever been found. No matter what the cause of homosexuality, Scripture is clear that it is one of many sins that can be overcome. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 reads, “Don’t you know that those who do wrong will have no share in the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, who are idol worshipers, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, abusers, and swindlers – none of these will have a share in the Kingdom of God. There was a time when some of you were just like that, but now your sins have been washed away, and you have been set apart for God. You have been made right with God because of what the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of our God have done for you.” We may not have chosen to have same-sex attractions, but we can choose what to do with those attractions.
There are many theories concerning the roots of same-sex attraction. For years the most influential theory has been the Developmental Model, which looks at emotional and family of origin issues in the development of homosexuality. I want to clarify that not everyone who has same-sex attraction fits into the Developmental Model. While the majority of people struggling with same-sex attraction have come from dysfunctional families, others have not. Younger people in today’s culture may be more heavily influenced by their subculture’s promotion of homosexuality and transgender identities than those of us of older generations. Being LGBTQ identified in a performing arts high school or college actually gives and individual more accolades in this generation, while it formerly gave the individual a larger target for bullying in the 70’s and 80’s. As Joe Dallas points out in his book, Speaking of Homosexuality, there are plenty of heterosexual people who have experienced many of the ingredients in the Developmental Model, yet they do not have same-sex attractions.4 All of these insights can serve to help us recognize the complexity of homosexual development, and point us to the Lord for His insight in overcoming unwanted same-sex attraction. Through the years of counseling many people with unwanted LGBTQ issues, I have noticed that the vast majority of people do relate to the Developmental Model, which makes it important to understand.
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Before we look at some of the environmental building blocks of homosexuality, I want to talk to the parents who are reading this article. My wife and I have five kids. The youngest is 21. Raising teenagers was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. It was more difficult than growing up with a paranoid schizophrenic mother, and more difficult than walking away from homosexuality. We have all made mistakes when raising our children, and we have all done things we wish we could undo. The important thing is to admit our mistakes and repent to those we have wronged. Remember that your child’s perceptions were very influential in shaping his or her worldview, and may not reflect the actual reality of how he or she was raised. Please do not read this list as an indictment against you or your parenting style. It is simply intended to be a brief look into the heart of one struggling with homosexuality. If you made mistakes, put them on the cross and let the Lord work in your own heart as well as the heart of your son or daughter. He or she is responsible for his or her own decisions.
This list is intended as a brief overview of the most common environmental factors contributing to male homosexuality. We will also look at some additional factors common in the development of lesbianism. Each person has his own life experiences which may or may not be included in this list.
The emotional roots of homosexuality often begin in a breakdown in the relationship with a same-sex parent. For males, the father may be either extremely passive or demeaning. The boy feels disconnected from his father and fails to develop a sense of maleness as he grows up. This in turn hinders him from connecting to other male peers.
The mother may be overprotective and/or try to gain the emotional fulfillment from the son that she cannot get from her husband. Many of the men I’ve talked to through the years explain that their mothers seemed to place them in the role of being an emotional support or pseudo-husband. The boys feel uneasy about this unnatural relationship, but are often unable to express their own feelings and desires.
The boy may relate more to his mother, sisters, and other females in his life than other males. When the hormones hit at puberty, he is then drawn to the gender that holds the intrigue and mystique. Some boys are simply more creative and less athletic than the average boy. The reaction of parents and peers is critical here. If the neighborhood boys begin to tease him for expressing his creativity and/or demonstrating his lack of athletic ability he may feel less masculine than they. They may even label him as a gay based on his lack of athleticism. A wise father will recognize the specific giftings in his son and reaffirm his masculinity as expressed in the son’s own skill set.
Envy and jealousy are often key factors in homosexuality. Very often, males with same-sex attraction are drawn to other males with the qualities they feel are lacking in themselves. The boy in the locker room who feels physically weak and insecure may be drawn to the other boys who are more physically fit and more confident. Leanne Payne calls this concept “cannibal compulsion” noting that cannibals historically consumed the people whose attributes they desired.5 This is also demonstrated as older men may be drawn to the youthfulness and perceived innocence of a younger man, while the younger man may be drawn to the fatherly nature of the older male.
Occasionally, men with same-sex attraction may crave sexual encounters with other males out of anger and a desire to destroy in others those traits that they feel lacking in themselves. Multiple clients have explained their desire to have a sexual encounter with specific types of men with the intent of destroying the perceived attribute in the other male that they feel is lacking in themselves. One man confessed to having encounters with men whom he perceived had a perfect family, in order to wreak havoc on that man’s family.
A vast majority of clients who are struggling with unwanted homosexual attractions have also been the victim of childhood sexual abuse. When a child’s sexuality is awakened early, it has a devastating effect in the heart causing a confusing whirlwind of emotions with deep seated emotional scars. Not all gay-identified people have been abused, but an overwhelming percentage of them have.
The booklet The Truth Comes Out: The Roots and Causes of Male Homosexuality from Focus on the Family6 lists the following environmental factors in male homosexuality:
Sexual violation or experimentation with men or boys
Incest or molestation
Exposure to pornography
Negative spiritual influences
Media influences
Personality temperament
Negative body image
Peer labeling, harassment or alienation
Fear of – or an inability to relate to – the opposite sex
There are some differences between male homosexuality and female homosexuality. Males often feel inadequate in their masculinity and wish to connect with other males in a subconscious attempt to receive additional masculinity from them. Females on the other hand, tend to see their femininity as a liability or an inferior quality. A woman may have grown up seeing her mother as a victim of abuse by the father or she may have received mistreatment from significant males in own her life. She may perceive that being feminine is unsafe and detach from her femininity while simultaneously withdrawing from males whom she may perceive as predatory. Her desire for relationships leads her toward other women.
Females, more often than males, may develop same-sex attractions later in life. This may happen as a woman receives mistreatment from significant men in her life, cuts her heart off from men, and turns to another female for emotional support. If the other woman offering the support is unhealthy herself, a codependent relationship may form. Many women have been drawn into a lesbian relationship as the emotional attachment turns to codependency which then becomes eroticized.
Other building blocks of female homosexuality are similar to those in males including the breakdown in relationship with the same-sex parent, difficulty connecting to same-sex peers, personality and interests more commonly associated with the other gender, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse.
The booklet The Heart of the Matter: The Roots and Causes of Female Homosexuality from Focus on the Family7 provides the follow statistics from a study of responses from 265 women to look at some of the factors that may have contributed to their lesbian attractions:
55.7% received emotional trauma including sexual innuendoes and specific sexual remarks that made her feel violated
69.1% experienced emotional abuse
66.4% were victims of sexual abuse
53.2% were verbally abused
39.6% felt abandoned
32.5% were victims of physical abuse
20.0% felt utterly neglected
Regardless of the specific causes of homosexual attractions in a person’s life, an open and honest relationship with the Lord is the first step in overcoming unwanted same-sex attraction. Remember the words of 1 Corinthians 6:11 covered earlier in this article, “There was a time when some of you were just like that, but now your sins have been washed away, and you have been set apart for God. You have been made right with God because of what the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of our God have done for you.” For those who have been wounded by their earthly parents, Father God is able to provide what their earthly mother and father were unable to give. He can heal the wounds they have inflicted. Psalm 27:10 reads, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.”
Many people who are raised in the church keep their struggle to themselves out of fear and shame. We must be honest about our battle and share it with safe, mature Christians who will walk with us towards Christ. The church must be a safe place where we can open our hearts and receive the help and discipleship we need. 1 John 1:9 reads, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” The overcomer will need trained prayer ministers, pastors, and counselors who are familiar with the journey and can help the struggler bring the wounds and strongholds to Jesus at the cross. He or she will also need other safe Christians who will simply walk with him or her and show the love of Christ.
References
1 Begley, Sharon. Does DNA Make Some Men Gay?, Newsweek Magazine, Updated 2/20/08. Retrieved from http://www.newsweek.com/id/113943 on 9/3/2008.
2 Straight Answers: Exposing the Myths and Facts about Homosexuality, Love Won Out Series, Focus on the Family Publishing, Colorado Springs, CO. 2000, p. 10.
3 American Psychological Association. Answers to Your Questions: For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality. Washington, DC. 2008, p2. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/orientation.pdf on 1/11/2019.
4 Dallas, Joe. Speaking of Homosexuality: Discussing the Issues with Kindness and Clarity, Baker Books, Grand Rapids, MI. 2016.
5 Payne, Leanne. The Broken Image, Hamewith Books, Grand Rapids, MI. 1996.
6 The Truth Comes Out: The Roots and Causes of Male Homosexuality, Love Won Out Series, Focus on the Family Publishing, Colorado Springs, CO, 2002. pp. 10-11.
7 The Heart of the Matter: The Roots and Causes of Female Homosexuality, Love Won Out Series, Focus on the Family Publishing, citing Anne Paulk, A Study on the Roots, Causes and Treatment of Lesbianism, Colorado Springs, CO. 2001.
If you would like more information about Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, or any of the ministries we offer, visit us on the internet at www.recmin.org, or call (586) 739-5114.
This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given to Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. © 2010, 2019 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
Finding God in the Mess
/Dan Hitz has been the Executive Director of Reconciliation Ministries since 2003, and is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Michigan. More articles are available in the archives section of the Reconciliation Ministries website at http://www.recmin.org/newsletter-archives/.
I don’t know who created the meme on the left that made its way around Facebook a while ago, but I wish I knew. I would like to thank them for speaking truth. Truth that sets us free from false condemnation because we simply “can’t do it anymore”, and we were told somewhere along the line that “God will not give us more than we can handle.” There was even a Christian hit song some months back about that concept. Yes, I was one of those people who cringed every time I heard the singer tell me to remember what God said about not giving us more than we can handle. And yes… I am also one of those people who has at various times in my life, experienced more than I could handle. And also…, yes… I have to admit that there were times when I despaired of life itself. I’m going to guess that you’ve also experienced those times when you were overwhelmed and you just couldn’t do “it” anymore. Maybe you’ve even despaired of life itself. Turns out, we’re in good company. Even the Apostle Paul, who wrote those verses in 2 Corinthians about being in “great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure” was a member of this not so exclusive club. Like us, Paul also experienced more than he could endure.
But there’s actually good news in realizing that we weren’t meant to just suck it up and deal with it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 reads, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” If we misapply that verse to mean that we don’t ever experience anything in life that we can’t emotionally deal with, then we’re setting ourselves up for discouragement. To be fair, the Greek word for tempted and temptation can also mean trials and testing, but the entire context of 1 Corinthians 10 is sinful temptations – not trials and hardships that have nothing to do with temptations. So while it is true that God won’t let us be tempted to sin beyond our ability to withstand, God does sometimes allow us to pass through trials that we absolutely cannot make it through on our own. The good news is that 2 Corinthians 1:9 gives us the answer for the times of great darkness in our lives. It is during those times that we must learn that we cannot “rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” It is during those times that we must recognize our utter helplessness and fall on the mercy of Jesus Christ to bring us through the valley. Jesus is the only way we can endure some of the worse pain and suffering that life brings our way.
I’m no stranger to seasons of life that I don’t have the natural capacity to endure. I’m guessing you aren’t either. Years ago my wife and I experienced the loss of many dear friends and the hope of our ministry calling after we left a spiritually abusive church we had been a part of for more than 15 years. We’ve experienced the overwhelming despair of a parent with a prodigal son and daughter. Those seasons were definitely more than we could endure, but nothing prepared us for the overwhelming pain and sorrow we experienced from the death of our 17-year old son. I have to admit… During those seasons. Like the Apostle Paul. I despaired of life itself. Don’t worry. Neither my wife nor I are suicidal. However, I can speak for myself and say that I wouldn’t have minded if Jesus would have come back right then and there. As I heard one preacher say, “Sometimes it is easier to die for Christ than to live for Him.” He was right. [Incidentally, if you are feeling suicidal, or harmful to yourself or others, please get some help. Life is very worth living. It does get better. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number is 800.273.TALK. Help is available]
The good news is that I’m still here, and I’m in a pretty decent season of my life right now. I can truly attest that coming to the end of our human ability to endure and falling upon the mercy of God does provide all that we need to pass through the times of overwhelming darkness in our lives. It also equips us with more faith and power on the other side of the trial. If we can keep our hearts open to the Lord during the times of darkness, we’ll learn some pretty phenomenal things about God’s character and His love for us. We can’t learn these things any other way. We learn more about the Father’s incredible heart of love for us, in that He was willing to sacrifice His own Son to save us from our sin and despair. We learn of Jesus’ unconditional love for us and that He willingly suffered far more than we can ever realize to redeem us and carry us through our pain. We’ll also learn of the incredible power and strength of the Holy Spirit as we allow Him to flow through us and carry us in the darkness. These are some of the “treasures of darkness” that the prophet Isaiah talks about in Isaiah 45:3. The New International Version reads, “I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Many other versions, including Young’s Literal Translation show us that this verse is even more precious to those of us who are passing – or have passed – through the darkness. Young’s reads, “And have given to thee treasures of darkness, Even treasures of secret places, So that thou knowest that I, Jehovah, Who am calling on thy name -- [am] the God of Israel.” God promises us that if we stick with Him during the dark times… If we keep our hearts open to Him… If we admit that we just can’t do “this” anymore and ask Him to carry us… He will be faithful to carry us through the horrible times. He will be faithful to equip us to endure and keep going for another day… for a better season… We will learn more about God and about ourselves than we could ever imagine. And we will gain spiritual treasures that will shine brightly in our souls long after we’ve passed through the valley.
If you’re in a dark place right now, you’re probably thinking, “Dan, I don’t even know where to start.” I get it. Neither did I when I was in the darkness. I was in a very bad place when I walked into my first Sunday sermon at my home church about 18 years ago. For some reason the pastor had a long rope tied to a chandelier on the top end, and a knot tied on the bottom. He preached out of the book of Nehemiah, the man who was in charge of rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. Walls that were in heaps after Jerusalem was destroyed. About all I remember from that sermon is the pastor walking over to the knot at the end of the rope and saying something like, “When your life is in a big pile of rubble. Like the walls of Jerusalem. Dig through the rubble. Find the one thing that you still believe about Jesus. Hold onto that with all your might. Then cry out to Jesus for mercy.” Those words broke through the hopelessness in my heart and I sobbed. Loudly. Right in the middle of the sanctuary. Everyone heard me. It didn’t matter that everyone heard me. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have the strength to endure. It didn’t matter that I felt hopeless. What did matter was that Jesus was at the end of that rope. I knew that Jesus would carry me through this darkness when I was in way over my head. He did. Jesus met me when I was at the end of my rope and He carried me through the darkness. He will carry you too.
I have to be real and acknowledge that the darkness didn’t immediately disappear. That season lasted for a few years. But I also have to be honest and acknowledge that Jesus was faithful to carry me through the darkness when I had no clue how to go on. During that time I received many great “treasures of darkness”, riches of God’s presence and character, that still influence my walk to this day. God is faithful. He may allow you to go through more than you can endure. But God will carry you through the worst trials of your life if you cry out to Him for help. And if you don’t have the strength to cry out to Him aloud, He responds to the silent cries of our hearts too. God loves you. God will never leave you or forsake you. He really will carry you.
If you are in the middle of a dark valley right now, reach out to the pastoral care department of your church for help. Reconciliation Ministries is also here for you. Call us at 586.739.5114. We care.
Meme retrieved from www.facebook.com.
Photos of male and female courtesy of www.unsplash.com.
© 2018 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.
Caught in the Crossfire
/Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30 NLT
Maybe you’ve been as troubled as I have watching the confirmation process for the latest Supreme Court nominee. He has had multiple allegations brought against him for sexually abusive behavior during his high school and college years. The media has surely done its part to stir up the hype, and keep emotions triggered and their ratings high. At this point, all I can say is that God knows the truth and we will all stand before Him and give an account on Judgement Day. I have to admit that my own emotions have been triggered too, so I will now do my best to let the Lord sort this out. He knows if the accusations are true or false. He knows if the denials are true or false. May God’s will be done.
As much as my heart goes out to both of the main individuals involved in this debate, my heart goes out even more to two groups of people who are caught in the crossfire. I am very concerned about the impact of this media debacle on those who have been sexually abused themselves. I’m also concerned for those who have sexually offended. Through the years, Reconciliation Ministries has had the privilege of ministering to precious souls in both groups. No one is beyond the tender mercies of our God. No one. No one is beyond repentance, restoration, and healing. No one.
My main concern with those who have been sexually abused is that many in the media – and many in the general public – have given the clear message that if you come forward; you will not be believed, you will be interrogated; and unless you remember every single, specific detail of your abuse, you will become the suspect. How many of us remember every single detail of any of the milestone events in our lives? The reality is that many abuse survivors have learned to suppress memories of traumatic events to survive. They may start drinking, drugging, or living in deception to cope with the abuse. Some even put themselves in high risk situations to “reenact” their abuse. These are only a few of the unfortunate aftereffects of trauma that defense lawyers pounce on as they defend their guilty clients. Details such as the timeline leading up to the abuse doesn’t seem important when it is happening, so we don’t commit those details to our long-term memories. It is very common not to report the abuse for many years – if at all. We are seeing some of the reasons. Reports of abuse may be met with fierce anger, denial, or revenge. Being told things like, “You’re making it up!” or “That could never have happened!” by those we confide in is almost as traumatic as the abuse itself. To this group of wounded brothers and sisters I say, “You have safe, Christian men and women at Reconciliation Ministries who will hear you and walk with you as you receive healing in Christ.” We won’t judge you, or criticize you. We will listen to you and pray with you. Many of us have walked that painful road ourselves.
My heart also goes out to the men and women who do admit that they have offended, and are now trying to live a repentant, godly life. There are numerous men and women out there who realize they need help, but are fearful of the repercussions if they admit their offenses. Part of the concern is very real. All counselors and pastoral care personnel are required by law to report suspected acts of child abuse if there is an identifiable victim, and if the victim is still under 18 years of age; even if the alleged incident happened over ten years ago. This helps those affected by abuse get the help they desperately need, but it also makes it much harder for offenders to reach out for help. Through the years there have been a number of individuals who were repentant and brave enough to come forward even though they signed a form acknowledging the mandated reporting of suspected acts of child abuse. What I can tell you is that there are many more men and women who have committed a sexual offense well past the age requirements of reporting. They have confessed to God, but are walking around in bondage to shame and condemnation. They are truly remorseful and repentant. They admit their sin and make no excuses for their past behavior. However, they live in fear of being found out and being labeled as someone below plankton on the food chain. The media coverage of the confirmation proceedings bears this out. In the area of sexual offenses, not only is one often “guilty until proven innocent”; he or she is likely to be “guilty” in the minds of anyone who finds out that there was an allegation against him or her – even if it is dropped. Another unfortunately message of the latest media frenzy is that people can’t change. Even if the incident happened ten, twenty, or thirty years ago, there is no room for the transformation of Christ in the minds of many. Fortunately, the Holy Spirit truly can change any heart that is submitted to Him. If you are one of the many men and women who have sexually offended, or are tempted to offend, please get the help and healing that Jesus Christ willingly died to provide for you. Reconciliation Ministries is here for you too. We have had the honor of walking to the mercy seat of Jesus with many who were on the sex offender registry, others who have been in the legal system; and those who had not offended, but were struggling with the temptations. Help is available for anyone who opens their heart to Jesus. Help is available for you too.
Reconciliation Ministries also recognizes that it may be difficult for those who have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse to hear that we have grace and mercy on a group of people that represent others who have caused their pain. I am a pastoral caregiver and licensed therapist. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Some of my close family members are also abuse survivors. The Lord had to change my own heart when He first called me to work with those who have committed sexual abuse. I found out then that it is much easier for us Christians to say, “Without the grace of God, there go I,” than it is to live it. I have also seen the power of our loving Savior to forgive and transform anyone who is repentant and who surrenders their lives to Jesus. I have seen the power of Jesus transform many hearts that society was willing to throw away, and turn them into living examples of the power of the cross. No one is beyond the redemption and transformational power of Jesus Christ. No one.
So I say to those of you who have been sexually abused, “Reconciliation Ministries is here for you. We will walk with you to Jesus and help you get the healing and restoration that you need.” I say to those who have offended, or are tempted to offend, “Reconciliation Ministries is here for you as well. We will walk with you to Jesus and help you get the healing and transformation that you need.” Reconciliation Ministries provides a safe, confidential, Christian environment where you can share your heart, receive compassion, and talk with others who have had similar experiences.
If you or someone you know needs help, call Reconciliation Ministries at 586.739.5114. Our next session of Living Waters will be starting soon. We also have licensed professional counseling and prayer ministry available. We are here to help you.
In Christ, Dan Hitz, Director, Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
Photo of justice scale used under license from www.shutterstock.com.
All other photos from www.unsplash.com.
