Introducing Our New Therapist...

We are pleased to announce that Pam Farlow-Wolgast will be joining Reconciliation Ministries as our new part-time licensed professional counselor. Pam is also the women's facilitator for our Mending the Soul abuse recovery program, and a valuable member of our Living Waters leadership team. She previously shared her testimony of overcoming childhood sexual abuse in our April 2017 newsletter. Pam recently attended the Living Waters leadership training offered by Desert Stream Ministries and shares her experiences from the training.

I always considered myself an emotional person. After all, I teach about feelings, and talk about feelings, and am careful to encourage others to express those feelings - joy, sorrow, grief, amazement.

Then I realized that I don't cry often. Well, there are those Hallmark ads and dead animals on the road - I find myself teary at those times.

I began to learn that it was easier to cry about an animal, than it was about me, or what was happening in my life. I considered this and found it quite curious; I still had no answers as to where the tears were.

Then I attended the Living Waters Leadership training in January, and at one point, someone handed me a box of tissues to hold on to, because my tears came and came. Before this training, I'd done a lot of healing from the brutality of my childhood. I didn't cry as the memories came, and sometimes I wondered about this.

I'd looked at the evil represented by my father and others, and the distance and coldness of my mother. I didn't cry as I felt the abandonment and loss of love, and I wondered about this.

Then I planned to attend the Living Waters training. God told me to let Him take charge and to enter wholeheartedly into this time. "But, I don't trust," I said. He said, "It's time to trust and feel."

And God met me at ministry time - and I cried.

And God met me in the small group - and I cried.

God met me, carried me and held me - as I cried.

He went to the deep desolate places of shame and pain with me. God showed me He is so much stronger than the pain. He showed me I was never alone in the darkness, the terror, the confusion.

He showed me how present He was - and how He cried for me when it wasn't safe for me to cry for myself.

God showed me the healing strength of tears, the power of grieving and how the loving presence of others brings light and healing.

He showed me I can trust another with the ugliness of the past, and they show me the beauty He created in me.

God showed me His face - through the faces of each person at the training. God showed me how powerful and intense His love is.

God showed me healing through each of the people I met, through their prayers, their presence and their love.

God showed me who He created me to be and encouraged me to continue allowing Him in; to never close Him out. He showed me His loving eyes, and His kind face. He showed me how love builds and encourages, and never destroys. He showed me the power of His love and taught me to receive and accept it.

God allowed me to see myself through His eyes, and I learned I can laugh with joy, embrace the beauty of His world with smiles, and cry for release, pain and grief. God showed me about the wholeness of life with Him.

I am changed, the same and yet oh, so different. I learned and experienced God in ways which are available for us all - we have only to ask Him. He is waiting for us; waiting with His kind eyes and gentle smile.

Blessings, Pam

Do You Want to be Made Well? There are Risks While Getting Off Your Matt.

One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?”
John 5:5-6 NLT

Dear Friend,

At first glance, that quote from Jesus at the Pool of Bethesda may sound like a ridiculous question. “The guy’s been waiting at the pool for 38 years hoping for an opportunity for healing; of course he wants to be made well!” It’s easy for us to answer that question when we’re talking about someone else. Sooner or later, all of us will face this same question in our own lives. Do we really want to be made well?

There is a lot more to that question when you go below the surface. In today’s terms, Jesus would be asking that man if he wanted to be made well, which would mean that he would lose his social security benefits and his bridge card. He would now be responsible to find a job, work faithfully, and provide for his own necessities. He can no longer rely on others to fulfill his needs. He will have to learn to receive empowerment from the Lord, take appropriate risks, and learn to perform skills that were previously impossible for him. That is scary.

It’s very similar in our recovery. Our addictions have kept us on some type of matt for years. We simultaneously hate it, and fear the day when the Lord calls us off our matt to walk away from our sinful addictions. We know how to be broken. We don’t know how to be whole. We’ve even received false comfort from our addiction. Will the Lord really give us something better? We know in our heads that He says He will. In our hearts we aren’t so sure.

If Jesus is calling you off your matt, you don’t have to do it alone. Reconciliation Ministries can help. We offer licensed professional counseling, prayer ministry, and support groups. Call 586.739.5114 and find out how we can assist you in your recovery.

In Christ,

Dan Hitz and your friends at Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.

P.S. You can read a related story in this month's newsletter. Those who have experienced the trauma of abuse also have to consider life off the matt of emotional devastation.

You Can Touch Thousands

 “I’m going to raise up two, or three, or four people in this room to touch thousands.”
God in Ubon, Thailand on Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Dear Friends,

The presence of the Lord was powerful among that small group of Thai Living Waters participants. Among them were several who had been delivered from a life of prostitution, a man who was overcoming transgender issues, someone who was HIV positive, and others who had committed serious offenses. Thailand is a stronghold of sexual sin, prostitution and transgender culture. Yet, it was among that group of Living Waters participants that the Lord said He would raise up two, three, or four people to touch thousands.

Sexual sin is rampant in the US as well. Homosexuality, transgenderism, and pornography addiction are on the rise. The prevalence of sexual abuse is alarming, both in popular culture and within the church. We are only now becoming aware of the depths of human trafficking.

Countless lives have been taken captive; yet, there is hope. You can be a part of the solution. You can touch thousands. Join the Reconciliation Ministries support team and help men, women and adolescents experience the transformational power of Jesus Christ in Metro Detroit, Thailand, and beyond.

During 2017, the Reconciliation Ministries support team establish our very first Mending the Soul program to bring healing to survivors of childhood sexual and physical abuse. We were able to reduce the tuition for the Living Waters program, and now have our largest group in years. Many others are receiving licensed professional counseling and prayer ministry to overcome sexual abuse, sexual addiction, unwanted homosexual attraction, gender dysphoria, and more. Marriages are being restored. Men and women are being set free.

More plans are underway for 2018. Your partnership will make it possible to run our second Mending the Soul group and further reduce the tuition for the Living Waters program. We’ll be adding a part-time counselor and making other improvements to foster our ministry in Metro Detroit. Dan Hitz, Director of Reconciliation Ministries, is making plans to minister in Ubon, Thailand from July through December of 2018. He will be helping to strengthen Living Waters Ubon, mentor male leaders, and present sexual and relational healing seminars in the surrounding villages.

You can touch lives in Metro Detroit and around the world. Reconciliation Ministries invites you to become a member of our monthly support team. We are praying for 30 new members to invest an average of $100 per month into the lives of broken people. You can help those who are hurting experience the healing power of Jesus Christ, and become the men and women that God created them to be. If you are already a member of our support team, please know that we truly appreciate you. If you aren’t a current member of our monthly support team, please join us. You can also make a special year-end donation to touch lives in Metro Detroit and Thailand. All donations are tax deductible. An investment of any amount can change someone’s life for all of eternity.

You can join the Reconciliation Ministries support team online through PayPal by clicking here.

Thank you for sharing this journey with us,

Dan Hitz, Director
Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
586.739.5114
dhitz@recmin.org
www.recmin.org

P.S. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions, or if you would like to meet for coffee and hear more about how your investment through Reconciliation Ministries can change lives.

Images used under license with www.shutterstock.com.

God Is Faithful!

I thank my God every time I remember you…  being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:3,6

Dear Friends,

God is always faithful and good. About eight or nine years ago our family was going through a horrible valley. I was at the point of giving up hope when the Lord spoke to me and said, "It’s not over yet." Since that day worse things have happened. Since that day better things have happened. I can honestly say that God has been faithful through it all. The situation from eight years ago remains unresolved; nevertheless, I can still say that God is faithful and good. No matter what you're going through today, He loves you very much and He will carry you. He will finish the good work He started in you.

Reconciliation Ministries is here to help. If you or someone you know is struggling, call us at 586.739.5114. We have multiple options available to care for you. There are currently openings for individual licensed professional counseling and prayer ministry. Walking Free, our open support group for men and women at any stage in their recovery, is held on the second and fourth Monday of each month. The Healing Hearts group for parents and family members of individuals dealing with LGBTQ issues meets on the second Sunday of each month. As we look ahead to the future, our next Living Waters program will be starting in October with a reduced tuition rate, while our Mending the Soul program will expand to fourteen weeks and is tentatively scheduled to begin next October.

We would like to thank you for helping us expand the ministry and touch more hearts. In our last newsletter, we asked for your help to add an additional office and give our entrance a much needed facelift. We are happy to report that we have received the finances we need for this project. The participants will soon be greeted with a warmer entrance. We will be adding another therapist soon and increasing our outreach. Thank you for making this all possible through your prayers and financial support.

Your brother in Christ,

Dan

The False Guilt of Abuse

One of the deepest and most painful effects of abuse is the profound sense of guilt that often afflicts survivors. Those who have never suffered the pain of abuse would loudly declare that the survivor was the innocent victim who did not cause the abuse and should not feel the least bit guilty. They are correct. Unfortunately, even though abuse survivors would loudly proclaim the freedom of guilt to others who have suffered abuse, they seldom apply this truth to themselves. This article will look at some of the root issues fueling the false guilt of abuse, and help those who are recovering from abuse learn how to overcome false guilt and walk in peace. The list is far from conclusive, but it covers some of the main causes of guilt I’ve seen through the years as I’ve counseled abuse survivors.

As a child, we want the world to make sense. We grow up hearing that the big people are in charge and we need to obey them. Everyone is born with a deep need to be loved and feel secure. We instinctively look to our parents and caregivers to fulfill those needs. Abuse from those who were supposed to protect us does not make sense. There is no way it can. As a child, our need to feel loved and secured is shattered as we are abused by those who were supposed to keep us safe and provide for our needs. After all, we were taught that Mom and Dad were in charge and we assumed that they were always right. In innocence, and in desperation to make sense of the world, children who are abused often assume that they must be the ones who were wrong, and therefore they deserve the harsh treatment they are receiving. This does not make logical sense when we step back from our emotions and evaluate the thoughts. No matter how badly a child behaves, no child deserves to be beaten physically or abused sexually. However, in the mind of an abused person, it seems to make all the puzzle pieces fall into place. “I am so bad that my daddy has no choice but to treat me like this.” Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.

Believing that the abuse was “my fault” also instills a false sense of hope and control. Admitting that the abuse is not my fault, and recognizing that there is nothing that I can do to prevent the abuse, brings the terrifying realization that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to stop the abuse or predict when it is going to happen. This realization is accompanied by terror and helplessness. If I unconsciously believe that the abuse is “my fault” and that “my horrible behavior” caused the abuse, I can hold onto a false hope that I can prevent the abuse by becoming “invisible” or by being a good boy or good girl. After all, we are taught that bad things don’t happen to good boys or girls. Our abusers may even tell us so. Healing comes at a deeper level as we acknowledge that the abuse was not our fault, confront our terror and helplessness, and seek healing from safe people.

“My body responded to the abuse. That ‘proves’ that I must have wanted the abuse to happen.” Our bodies are amoral. Our sexual organs were created with many nerve endings that respond to touch. Our bodies don’t know if that touch was wanted or unwanted. They don’t know if the touch was from the loving hands of our spouse, or from the tormenting hands of an abuser. Our bodies just know that the nerve endings are being stimulated and that the stimulation feels good. Males commonly experience an erection during unwanted sexual touch which adds to the false guilt. Both males and females experience orgasm during unwanted sexual abuse. This does not mean that the abuse survivor wanted the abuse. It simply means that the body’s nerve endings did what they were designed to do in a situation that was not supposed to happen. Recognizing this truth has helped many abuse survivors overcome years of false guilt.

“There were times when I initiated the abuse. Surely this ‘proves beyond a shadow of a doubt’ that I wanted the abuse to happen.” There are many reasons why an abuse survivor may begin to initiate sexual activity with the abuser. The human heart is very complex and the wounds and voids of life can leave us starved for affection. Abusers know this and are expert manipulators. They seem to have a built in radar sensor to figure out which kids have emotional voids and are open to abuse. They can also figure out which kids are less likely to tell an adult that the abuse happened, and which kids are more likely to be shy and silent. They prey upon these vulnerabilities during the grooming process. The abuser grooms – or prepares – the potential victim by showering him with attention and making him feel like he has a special relationship with the abuser. The abuser may even buy special gifts for the child and/or let him do special things that others in his family are not allowed to do. Abusers often introduce abuse through non-sexual touch like hugging or massages. If the child is responsive to this touch, he then begins to make the touch more sensual. The child’s boundaries are eroded and he often suffers emotional confusion as this trusted friend begins to make unusual requests. Sometimes the victim complies because the abuser tapped into a vulnerable part of the child’s heart that craves attention. Sometimes the victim complies because he feels obligated to the abuser due to their special relationship. Manipulative abusers can make the victims feel like the abuse was their idea, and some even threaten the child or his family if he tells. This sets the victims up for further abuse.

Abuse fragments the victim’s heart. Sometimes abuse victims learn to “enjoy” the abuse out of desperation to avoid the emotional torment and terror of the abuse. Victims are usually conditioned to submit to their abusers and may not see any other options but to comply with the abuse. If children who are being abused were forced to live in the ongoing terror of the abuse, they would probably suffer a severe emotional breakdown. Often the child’s mind “splits” or dissociates. This means that a part of their mind stays to endure the abuse, and a part of their mind “goes away”. Think of the last time you had to perform a prolonged, mundane task. Your mind probably got so bored with the task that part of your mind began to daydream that you were off doing something exciting, while another part of your mind and body continued to perform the task. This is a very simple example of dissociation, and most of us experience this from time to time. Dissociation during abuse occurs on a far more severe level. The part of the mind that stays to endure the abuse is forced to “like” the abuse to avoid “going crazy”. Sometimes that part even learns to initiate the abuse to gain the favor of the abuser, or to protect younger siblings from the abuser. The victim initiating the abuse in no way justifies the actions of the abuser. No matter the situation, if a child makes sexual advances towards an adult, an older child, or a person in a perceived position of authority; it is the spiritual, moral, and ethical responsibility of that person to protect the child and to get help for that child as quickly as possible.

Sometimes abuse survivors feel a special bond with their abusers. Tracy, Tracy, and Garrison explain this in their book Mending the Soul Student Edition (Zondervan, 2011). Compounding the manipulation experienced during the grooming process, our bodies secrete special hormones during and after a sexual experience that bond our hearts to the object of our stimulation. God’s intent was that the bonds to our spouse continue to grow as we thrive in marital and sexual intimacy. Remember, our bodies are amoral and can’t tell if our sexual experience is within the boundaries of a godly marriage, or within the broken boundaries of abuse. Unfortunately, this works against abuse victims to deepen the strange emotional connection between the victim and the abuser. This also intensifies the confusion the victims face when they find themselves bonded to the one who causes so much pain. Fortunately, these strange connections can be broken through prayer and counseling to free the survivor from the emotional bondage that was forced upon him during the abuse.

“But I didn’t stop the abuse from happening, and I didn’t tell anybody about the abuse when I had the chance. Doesn’t this ‘prove’ I wanted the abuse to continue?”  There can be multiple reasons why victims don’t stop the abuse or report it to others. Remember that abusers are expert manipulators. They often trick the victims into thinking that the abuse was their idea. They may also threaten the victims that they or a member of their family will be harmed if they tell. Other times, the abusers exploit the bond that has been built with the victim. Abusers pressure the victim not to tell anyone or their “special relationship” will end and the abuser, himself, will be in trouble. Not wanting the “special relationship” to end may not make sense to one who hasn’t been abused. It helps to remember the issues of dissociation, whereby the victim’s mind – heart – is split into pieces. The piece of the heart that carries the terror of the abuse is separate from the piece of the heart that engages in a special relationship to avoid going crazy. As healing begins and the fragments of the heart are reunited, the survivor often feels relieved to recognize that a large part of their heart truly hated the abuse.

The process of “learned helplessness” keeps the victims silent. If the abuser uses aggression to force the victim to comply, the fear of being harmed can propel the victim to remain silent even after the abuser is gone. Small children may be fully dependent upon an abusive caregiver. They may fear abandonment and being helplessly left alone if they turn their abuser in. Children don’t have adult reasoning capabilities to figure out how to get help. They “learn” the message that they are helpless to stop the abuse. Even after they grow older and/or their abuser is gone, they continue to perceive that they are helpless. “Learned helplessness” explains why a child who is aggressively abused at home fails to tell a teacher or other caregiver about the abuse. During the healing process, survivors begin to learn their current coping abilities as they heal and grow stronger.

Abusers often refuse to acknowledge their guilt and push it off on their victims. The authors of Mending the Soul Student Edition explain that abusers should feel immense guilt for what they’ve done. This guilt should cause them to feel extreme conviction, leading to repentance and a full acceptance of responsibility for the harm they have caused. Instead of repenting, abusers commonly refuse to accept responsibility and harshly blame the victims. This manipulates the victims into carrying false guilt for what the abuser has done. One of the first steps to overcoming false guilt is to hand the guilt back to its rightful owner – the abuser.

Abuse survivors can take positive steps to overcome false guilt and the negative effects of abuse. The first important step that they must take is to come to Jesus. This step may sound obvious to anyone who hasn’t been abused, but victims struggling with false guilt often feel too dirty and disgusting to come to Jesus. Satan is right there screaming lies in the struggler’s ear. We can remind survivors that Jesus came for broken people. He forgave the repentant thief on the cross who was mocking Him just moments earlier (Matthew 27:44, Luke 23:39-43), and He forgave the woman caught in adultery (John 8:2-11). No matter how dirty we feel or how sinful we have been, Jesus came to heal people just like us. He loves us in a safe way and He can help us navigate through the healing process.

Abuse survivors will need the help of safe, godly people as they overcome false guilt. Yes, God touches our hearts individually through the Holy Spirit, but He also works through His people to heal our hearts. This can be a scary step for those who were abused by someone who was supposed to keep them safe. It can be especially frightening if that person was in the church. However, a principle in God seems to be to use healthy people to help us heal from the wounds inflicted by unhealthy people. A great first step in finding a safe person would be to talk to someone in the pastoral care department of your local church. You can also talk to a counselor who has experience in helping people overcome sexual abuse. As you heal, you can pray for God to send you one or two other safe people that you can share your story with. You don’t have to tell everyone about your abuse. God will show you who He wants you to tell. You will also need other safe friends just to enjoy life with. It will take some time to learn trust, but it is worth the effort.

Facing the pain of your past with safe others is essential in your healing process. You might feel like you just want to forget your abuse and move on, but it is important to acknowledge your wounds, take them to the cross, and find healing. One of the worst things about getting a physical wound that requires stitches is that the doctor has to wash out the wound before he stitches it up. That hurts. Sure, he could stich it up without washing it out, but that would leave contaminants in the wound that would cause much worse problems down the road. It is better to endure the short-term pain of cleaning out the wound thoroughly so that a deeper healing can take place. Your heart is just like this. It will be painful to talk about the abuse, but in doing so the Lord can bring a deeper and more thorough healing. As your healing progresses, you will find good parts of your heart coming back to life and you will have much more peace. The short-term pain of the healing process is worth it for the long-term peace the process brings.

Give yourself much patience during the healing journey. Healing is a process that usually takes much longer than we wish it did. Give yourself a lot of grace during this process, and take as much time as you need. I hope that your favorite part of the journey will be to learn about God’s safe heart of love for you. He is a safe caretaker that heals our hearts, strengthens us, and teaches us how to do life. You will learn some beautiful things about God along the way. You will learn some beautiful things about yourself too.

If you would like more information about Reconciliation Ministries, or any of the ministries we offer, visit us on the Web at www.recmin.org, or call (586) 739-5114.  You may also e-mail us at info@recmin.org.  All correspondence will be kept strictly confidential.  Reconciliation Ministries is an affiliate ministry of Restored Hope Network.

Images licensed through www.shutterstock.com.

 © 2016 Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as no fee is charged and credit is given.

Frequently Asked Questions About Living Waters

Living Waters is a Christ-centered discipleship and ministry program for men and women seeking healing in areas of sexual and relational brokenness including pornography addiction, codependency, sexual addiction, homosexuality, sexual ambivalence, childhood sexual abuse, transgender issues, and difficulty in establishing and sustaining healthy relationships.  Our next program is starting soon. 

Frequently asked questions about Living Waters…

I don’t struggle with same-sex attraction. Is Living Waters still for me? Yes! Everyone in the body of Christ can benefit from Living Waters. Living Waters is for a wide variety of sexual sin and relationship struggles. We hear many testimonies from men and women who have struggled with heterosexual issues such as pornography addiction, codependency, and promiscuity; who have found freedom through the program. Others have found freedom from struggles such as the effects of abuse, food addiction and self-hatred.

Is Living Waters group therapy? Living Waters is a peer ministry, discipleship program and not professional therapy. Our leaders have all overcome their own battles with sexual and relational brokenness and are free to share their journeys with the participants in a way that professional therapists do not. This helps us walk towards Jesus together in a way that personalizes our recovery and brings deep freedom.

What is the difference between Living Waters and Celebrate Recovery? Celebrate Recovery is a wonderful 12-step program that has helped many men and women begin their recovery journey. Many of our participants have told us how Living Waters has deepened the healing they have received in Celebrate Recovery. Living Waters small groups are interactive and the teachings go much deeper on the root issues of our sexual and relationship struggles through Biblical, in-depth studies of issues like the mother and father wound, the effects of abuse, the cross and confession, forgiveness, and an examination of God’s design for our genders. It helps us better understand who we are in Christ and live according to our God given calling in our local church and the greater body of Christ.

Why is Living Waters 24 weeks long? Living Waters is established as a safe place with enough time set aside to work on some very difficult, and sometimes painful, life issues. We know from our own experience that this time commitment is a necessary blessing that helps to bring many victories.

Why does Living Waters have a $495 tuition rate? Living Waters cost less than $21 per week. This is considerably less than counseling and therapy co-pays, and substantially less than many of us have spent on our addictions. We have found that people who make a financial investment in their recovery are far more committed to their recovery when things get tough. The tuition also helps filter out people who aren’t serious about their recovery or who have dishonorable intentions. Living Waters graduates will tell you that the benefits have far outweighed the costs.

Will I be completely “fixed” at the end of the 24 weeks? Recovery and transformation into the fullness of Christ is a life-long journey. No program of any length can bring the complete restoration that Jesus Christ desires to give. Our primary goal for each participant is that they gain a deeper understanding of who they are in Christ. This leads to deeper healing of the root issues of their struggle, and empowers them to live a holy life. Participants will also learn tools to help them in their recovery and deepen their connection to the Body of Christ.

How long has Reconciliation Ministries been offering Living Waters? Reconciliation Ministries has been partnering with faith communities to help men, women, and adolescents overcome sexual and relational brokenness since 1984. We have been offering the Living Waters program since 1995.

If you or someone you love is struggling with sexual or relational difficulties, there is hope and healing through the power of Jesus Christ.  Call us and ask about attending the next Living Waters program. (586) 739-5114

© Reconciliation Ministries 2016.  This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as credit is given and no fee is charged.